Disclaimer: I do not nor will I ever own the Harry Potter story, characters, villains, heroes, and creatures. I also sadly do not make any money off this story. Trust me; my bank account cannot lie about that.
Summary: A one-shot parody. It makes fun of all those Severitus stories out there. I took canon behavior and threw it out of the window.
IS HE MY FATHER?
"I'm your father," he said with a smirk.
Harry blinked a moment, and then looked at him as if he had declared himself Ruler of the Underworld, which would explain a lot, he mused. "Excuse me?"
He sighed with irritation. "Do I have to use smaller words?" he asked with a sneer.
"Would you please? I'm just a little ole Gryffindor," Harry replied sweetly.
"Your mother and I had sex. She got pregnant with you. Therefore, I am your father," he snipped sarcastically.
Harry squinted his eyes and looked at him intently. He cocked his head and asked, "Could you say that while breathing heavily?"
Black beetle eyes looked at him scornfully. "Will I do what?" he asked, contempt lacing his voice.
"It's not a hard question to answer," Harry replied with a pout.
"No, I will not you, insipid little brat," Severus Snape snarled.
Harry grumbled aloud, "Luke Skywalker was told dramatically while in the midst of a battle. What do I get? A smirk in the middle of detention."
"What are you mumbling about, boy?" Snape demanded.
Harry shook his head. "Nothing, so what does this mean? Hey, can I call you dad?" Harry asked with some excitement.
Snape looked at him, horror filling his face. "Absolutely not! I forbid it," he snapped coldly.
Harry sniffed, and looked at him sadly. "All right, Daddy, I won't."
Snape took a step back, looking at him with a terrified expression. "Never call me that again," he hissed.
Harry grinned and took a step forward. "But, daddy, I need a hug," he whined, his arms outstretched.
Snape batted his hands away, his expression disgusted. "There will be no hugging, and no calling me daddy or dad. There will be no affection whatsoever," he snapped.
Harry stopped and looked at him with a pout. "Then why did you tell me that you were my father?" he asked, confused.
Snape huffed with irritation. "It was the interfering old coot. I never would have told you, but for some reason the Headmaster," he spat out, "thought we should…bond," Snape sneered with a look of disgust. "I would have never told you otherwise, but I promised him I would. Of course, the old man did bribe me with a bottle of his best scotch, so I at least got something out of it," he mused.
"Um," Harry hummed thoughtfully while giving Snape an intent look. He shook his head in denial. "Nope, don't see it. I'm good looking and popular while you aren't. There's no way that I could be your son. Not only that, but I don't look anything like you."
Snape smirked at him and took out his wand. "Your mother put a spell on you to hide your true looks. Since you're sixteen the spell should be wearing off soon. In fact, let me help you," he offered coldly. He pointed his wand at Harry and muttered, "Revealo."
Harry was encased in a bright pink light. It pulsated and whirled around the boy. Harry moaned as he felt some pain, but soon it was over and he leaned against one of the desks, panting. After a few minutes, he stood up and looked at the smirking teacher. "Well?" Harry demanded impatiently.
Snape smiled at him viciously. "There is a mirror on the wall over there," he replied while pointing at the wall.
Harry walked over to the mirror and looked into it. He gasped audibly. His hair was long and lanky and he swore he could feel the grease sliding down his hair. His nose was large, and hooked. His teeth were yellow and crooked. He backed up in horror; he looked exactly like Snape.
Harry heard a vicious laugh and Snape commented, "I guess you truly are my son."
Harry screamed, horror filling him. "NNNOOOOOOOOO!"
Harry sat up in the bed, his scream echoing off the wall. He looked around the room, gasping for air.
"Oi Harry, you all right?" Ron asked sleepily.
"Ron!" he squawked and got out of bed. He ran over to Ron's bed and dived in. "Ron, do I still look the same?" Harry asked urgently.
Ron looked at him, shocked. "What are you going on about?" he asked, his sleepy face filled with confusion.
"My face? Have I changed?" Harry asked, desperation filling his voice.
"Harry, mate. You look fine. Nothing's changed. What's the matter?" Ron asked, concerned.
"I dreamt that Snape was my real father, and I looked just like him," Harry answered, still panicking.
Ron looked at him, his expression horrorfied. "Oh, Merlin, what a nightmare. It's not true, Harry," Ron said, then paused. He looked at Harry closely and commented, "Hey, I thought your nose was straighter."
Harry jumped off the bed and ran out of the room. He was filled with terror. Oh Merlin, please don't let it be true, he thought to himself. He ran out of the common room and down the stairs. He made his way to the dungeon and to Snape's room. He pounded on the door, yelling for Snape to open up.
Harry was going to make sure that there was no way that Snape could ever be his father. The very idea horrified him.
The door he was banging on opened, and an irritated, sleepy looking Snape glared at him. "Potter? What the hell are you doing banging on my door at three o'clock in the morning?" he snarled angrily.
Harry swept past him and entered Snape's room. He whirled around and glared at Snape. "Is there anyway whatsoever that you could in anyway shape or form be my father?" he asked urgently.
"What?" Snape squawked, his face filled with shock.
"Answer the question, is there?" Harry demanded.
Snape drew himself up and glared at Harry. "I don't know where you got this idea, but it's ludicrous. There is no way that I am your father," he replied coldly.
"So, there isn't a chance by spell, curse, potion, transference, or osmosis that you could be my father?" Harry asked suspiciously.
"No bloody way in hell," Snape said with contempt.
"So, you never slept with my mother, and hid it to save her life, my life, your life, or because Dumbledore is a manipulative old coot who is only using you as a spy, and could care less about your life, so long as you do what he says?" Harry asked breathlessly.
Snape gave him a strange look. "No, I never slept with your mother," he answered slowly.
Harry breathed out a sigh of relief and relaxed. He was glad that, even if he had embarrassed himself, he knew there was no way that Snape was his father. The horror that had filled him receded.
Snape gazed at him with a smirk. "Your father on the other hand…" he said with a drawl.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH," Harry screamed as he sat up in his bed. He looked around, gasping for air. It was morning, and he could hear the other boys in the dorm getting ready for the day. He rubbed his hand over his face and took a deep breath. He knew he shouldn't have eaten that extra piece of chocolate cake last night, but no, he just had to have another piece. He fell back against his pillows and breathed out a huge sigh of relief. It had just been a dream. Too much chocolate cake gave him nightmares.
"Harry, you all right?" he heard Ron ask. Harry opened his eyes and looked at his best friend with a smile. He yawned widely and got out of bed, "Yeah, Ron, I'm fine. Stupid bloody nightmare. I ate too much cake last night."
Ron nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah, that'll do it to ya," he said knowingly. Ron turned towards Harry's bed and paused. He glanced at Harry and gave him an intense look. "Hey, Harry, did you know you look a little like Snape?"
The scream was heard throughout the castle.