Hehehe. I love the title!
THE SAMURAIS, THE NINJA AND THE CABBAGE FARMER
Kakashi watched Genma lounging on the couch from his wooden stool, IchaIcha perched on his lap, his eye looming over the needle Genma was shifting to and fro his lips. It reminded him much of the brave samurai warrior in the new IchaIcha Heian Period Special series; Yamazuki Takamura. The samurai in the book, always chewed on some sort of hay-straw or a grass blade (even during battles, that straw or grass blade would remain undamaged and still perched between a pair of full lips no matter what happened). Takamura also had a pair of warm hazel eyes that danced with mischief, long locks of honey colored hair and fine sun-tanned skin. Although Genma's eyes were a darker shade of hazel, wasn't as tanned as Takamura (in Kakashi's humble opinion) and chewed a weapon instead of something produced by nature, Kakashi /couldn't stop/ looking at him. A modern version of Takamura was sitting across from him in the lounge and he was ...
Standing, Kakashi walked towards Genma, picked at a plant blade (that resembled a grass from one of the room's many plant pots) and held his hand out. "Give me that needle."
Genma blinked, unsure. "Hah?"
Kakashi rolled his eyes and pulled the needle away, offering the grass blade as a replacement. "Here."
Genma frowned, clearly unhappy and was ready to kick Kakashi's knee back if he didn't sober up and say what the hell is going on. "What?"
Kakashi looked serious. Really. "Chew on it."
Genma stared yet again. "Iwashi is going to kill you for picking at his plants again."
"Chew on it."
Frankly, Genma was too tired, so he humored the younger man and chewed on the grass blade. "Happy?"
Kakashi nodded, then reached out and pulled the bandana Genma was wearing, pushed the hair back behind his ears and stood back. "Yup. Just like him."
Genma sputtered, feeling rather ... violated at the moment.
"What crack are you on, and who's 'him'?" Genma seemed to remember something, then added irritably, "If you're taking about Mizuki, I'll skewer you like a shish kabob."
He was hungry, too. Hence the food reference, which went over Kakashi's head.
"Iie, iie," the scarecrow shook his head. Swiftly, he pulled out his dog-eared copy of Icha-Icha, humming to buy time as he searched for the right page. "Here!"
Genma felt one eyebrow rise without his control. Kakashi's finger pointed at a large paragraph, and the younger man offered no further explanation.
"At last, Yamazuki Takamura sheathed his katana, and turned back to the petite brunette he saved from the unruly bandits. She was captivated by the spirit in his hazel eyes, and how the sunlight behind him made his dirty blonde hair look golden. Oh, his lips... she wanted to pluck that blade of grass from between his luscious lips, and replace it with her cupid-bow mouth." Genma stared at Kakashi's mask, raised eyebrow twitching. "C-Cupid bow mouth?"
"Uh-hmm." Kakashi nodded, smile widening and eyes squinting even more.
Genma snapped the book shut and waved it at Kakashi. "This thing - this stupid book - is what's making you - ugh! Give me my needle! And my forehead protector!" Genma moved to fix his hair back properly but Kakashi stopped him by stepping on his toe. "Kakashi!" Genma bellowed in pain.
"Don't. You look better that way." Kakashi gestured to the side-locks that he previously pushed back behind Genma's ears.
"I look like some goddamn smut character. I'm tired, I'm hungry. Give me damn needle and forehead protector back! Now!" On normal circumstances, Kakashi would have listened. But Genma really did resemble the brave and dashing Takamura and personally, Kakashi had no intentions of not getting a fair good amount of eye candy when it was just sitting there and for free.
"Don't be a spoilsport. You look hot." Kakashi said, as if he were merely saying that the sky was blue.
Genma, subtly saying, was floored. Rarely did Kakashi praise anyone for their appearance. And really, Genma wasn't used to Kakashi calling him hot. "You're comparing me to a stupid book character!" He finally sputtered out, pissed.
"Uh, you're still hot." Kakashi said.
"Kakashi, I'm going to count to three, and if you don't give me back my belongings -"
"You don't like being called hot?" Kakashi blinked."
" - I will not hesitate in kicking your dick -"
"Okay. Forget hot. How about fuckably irresistible?" Kakashi smiled, meaning every word.
Genma flipped and was about to lunge for Kakashi's throat to strangle him (preferably to death so he will have no reminder of this rather embarrassing scene) when Raidou walked in to the door.
"Oi! Oi! Genma, what are you -" Raidou stopped mid-question and blinked at the sight of Kakashi leering.
"Doesn't Genma look like Takamura?" Kakashi asked in a manner that would make worldly-perverts proud.
"Do I even have a low ponytail like Takamura? And a ponytail that 'dances in the wind with the rhythm of broken hearts'? I was never even in a heartbreak, you idiot!" Genma shouted, annoyed, pissed and he was already starving so that just made him more hotheaded.
Raidou looked like he was just slapped with a wriggling squid. "What's going on?" He looked at Kakashi and Genma and back.
Kakashi bent and picked up the fallen book (Genma was very tempted to knee his jaw towards the sky as he did so) and flipped through the pages. "Here. Takamura looks like Genma. Right?"
Raidou slowly took the book, looking at Kakashi funny. A twenty-seven year old Jounin as deadly and well known as Kakashi should not have sounded so - Raidou cringed - perky. Genma was already scowling and anyone who did as much as walk through the lounge door scuttled back out twice as fast. Genma was emitting auras that he really shouldn't be emitting in a lounge room; they weren't on field duty or a mission anyway. Raidou sighed, shaking his head, pointedly ignoring Genma's scowl and Kakashi's rather p-perky masked-face.
A few minutes passed. Genma turned to glare at Raidou, wishing he'd sink to the cores of the earth. "Well? Do I look like I have a ponytail that 'dances in the wind with the rhythm of broken hearts'? Do I even have a ponytail?"
Raidou took longer than he normally would because he re-read the passage four times and was on his fifth round when Genma spat the question. Kakashi shifted his weight to another leg, beaming at Raidou. "He does, ne?"
Raidou looked at the book and continued sifting through the chapter. "He's got a point Genma. If you did manage to grow a ponytail, you'd look like Takamura very m -"
"You! What kind of a best friend are you?" Genma stood up, pointed a finger at Raidou and glared even more.
"A 'charmingly loyal and admirable young man who carries the sword of truth and would bravely sacrifice his own life for the benefit of the ones he carries close in his heart'."
There was a long moment of silence. Raidou and Genma were staring at Kakashi and digesting the words he just spewed.
"Excuse me?" Raidou blinked, frowning. "I'm a what?" The scowl that was on Genma's face melted in to a smug smirk. Raidou obviously did not appreciate the pleasure Genma was getting out of the words Kakashi just said.
"I said, you're a charmingly loyal and admirable -"
Raidou raised a hand to stop Kakashi's line of speech and sucked in a breath. "Who?"
If Kakashi's beaming smile could get any wider, it would have ripped his mask in half. "Ryoken Kantarou." Kakashi answered, taking the book from Raidou and flipping through the pages once more before holding out the passage to the other two Jounins.
Genma snatched the book, read through the passage, grinned and burst out laughing. "You fall off a cliff!"
Raidou was not happy. He eyes darkened and swirled with suppressed childish rage as he snatched the book off Genma's hands and read the passage twice before glaring at Kakashi. "Oh you think I'm swayed by the colors of nature and the blossoms of spring?" Kakashi nodded in reply. "Give me one damn reason why I shouldn't slit your throat open!"
Genma was still laughing as he fell back on the leather couch clutching his sides. "You admire flora! Flora! What the fuck, Raidou?"
"I do not admire flora!" Raidou said hotly, a tinge of red coloring his cheeks and eyebrows drawn too close one would think he had one long eyebrow instead of two. Raidou's reply did not stop Genma's laughter, who gradually calmed down and scowled again when he found Kakashi smiling at him. Raidou read through some of the chapters quickly, leaving Genma to spit insults at Kakashi's idiotic-way-of-thinking, while Kakashi merely flipped the answer 'I'm just applying the beauty of literature to reality' in to different phrase structures. It was after a few more minutes did Raidou frown and looked at the front cover of the book. "Since when did Jiraiya-sama write male-male sex themes?"
Genma stopped mid-insult and looked at Raidou. "What themes?" Genma could see Kakashi rub the back of his neck sheepishly, a tinge of pink on his pale cheeks.
"There's a very graphic sex scene on page one-hundred-seven between Takamura and a guy called Hiken." Raidou replied.
"Who the hell is Hiken?" Genma asked, grabbing for the book.
"The rogue ninja." Kakashi answered, taking the book once more and going back a few pages to a good description of the said rogue-ninja. "I'm like Hiken."
Raidou frowned. "Kakashi, there is no way any man can have a fourteen-inch dick. That's not normal."
Genma hit Kakashi over the head with the book. "You're Hiken?"
"Yes. The book says he wears a mask, has a mass of unruly dark hair, pale in complexion and has the strength of a thousand men." Kakashi stated, sniffing indignantly and taking the book.
"Strength of a thousand men? In what way?" Raidou snorted. "And it's dark hair, Kakashi. Not white or gray."
Kakashi looked at them and spoke in a very flat voice. "I have the Sharingan." Genma and Raidou both knew that Kakashi's answer meant that he had more than a thousand jutsus copied and tucked under his belt. That may very well be something that was more than 'the strength of a thousand men' combined. None of them pursued the matter.
"Fine. Fine. Can I have my forehead protector back now? And my needle!" Genma held his hand from his slouching position on the couch.
"No. Stay that way. I told you that you look fuckably irresistible." Kakashi pulled a stool and sat in front of Genma, leering at him.
Genma's temper flared again. He's had it with Kakashi. "Hey, just because Takamoro - "
"Takamura." Raidou corrected.
"Whatever! You! You're not supposed to be siding with him!" Genma pointed at Raidou.
Raidou rolled his eyes and leaned against the open window's ledge. "Oh give it up Genma." Raidou looked at Kakashi. "You didn't answer me. Since when did Jiraiya-sama write male-male books?"
Kakashi shrugged. "It's an old copy. Hard to find back issues. I got lucky in the Earth country last week. It was the only copy left. Small rundown shop. I hear it was sold out the first time it got published."
"So why do you have a male-male book with you?" Genma grumbled, idly wondering if he could manage to chew on the kunai handle but decided against it.
"It's Icha-Icha. I have to have them all. Besides, it's quite interesting. Emotion packed and quite tragic too." Kakashi said, approving very much of the book. It was all over his face - and reading a masked face was hard but it was so visible at just how much Kakashi approved of it. "The characters vary. You have the hot-tempered and irresistible Takamura. The fierce, silent and loyal Kantarou. The rogue Hiken and Haru the cabbage farmer." A long moment of silence passed but Kakashi was not fazed. "Every character has a role. For example, that female character with cupid-bow lips helped make Kantarou aware that he'd protect Takamura at the price of his own life. And body too."
Raidou and Genma didn't want to know but Kakashi's words seemed to trigger their curiosity.
"Body?" Raidou blinked.
"Yeah. When Hiken was going to assassinate them both, he took a liking towards Takamura and offered to spare his life at the price of his body. Understand the impact of how living in the field for years without contact might affect Hiken. He's a very complex character." Genma snorted at what Kakashi said, but this went unacknowledged the Copy-nin. "Basically, Kantarou offers his body and himself to Hiken in exchange for letting Takamura go."
Raidou scowled. "You think I'm a slut?"
"No. But you admire flora a lot." Kakashi replied.
"How does that justify anything?" Raidou demanded, blushing again. It seems that the stress gained from overworking was finally getting an outlet for both the elder Jounins.
"You were the one taken by the sight of cherry blossoms in last year's spring festival." Kakashi shrugged.
"That's what people do in Spring festivals, you poor excuse of a -"
Genma cut off Raidou mid-shout with his curiosity. "But didn't Kantarou fall off a cliff?"
"He did. And he was saved by Haru the cabbage farmer." Kakashi beamed. "Haru is sweet, feisty and kind-hearted young man, who gets by life with his cabbages. He lives in a little cottage and owns a cow, five chickens and a goat." When Kakashi got silence as a reply once more, he added, "He's very poor. But very nice. Quite eye turning judging by the description. Chocolate I believe is the best way to describe him. Can be sweet but can also be bitter."
Raidou was not impressed. "Why do you insist that I'm like Kantarou? For one thing, Kantarou has long hair 'that falls like a waterfall in summer' and cracks the lamest jokes. I don't crack jokes! Have you ever heard my crack a joke?"
Genma was rubbing a temple, getting a headache as Kakashi nodded in reply. "You said: once there was man who said a really, really old joke that dust came flying out of his mouth."
The result was immediate. Genma burst in to suppressed giggles while Raidou fumed. "That is a lie! I so did not crack that joke! That's something someone like Ebisu would say!"
"Nope. It was you." Kakashi insisted. "I remember it well. My Sharingan picked it up."
Raidou shut his mouth at Sharingan part and this just made Genma roll with laughter. "Lame! Lame!" Genma slapped his knee several times and continued to wheeze in laughter.
"Not funny, you jerk!" Raidou hit Genma upside the head. "Oh yeah! Takamura and his rogue ninja!" Raidou made a face, mocking Genma.
"Hey, that was low." Genma glared.
"You're laughing!" Raidou hissed.
"At least I ended up with a warrior. You end up with a cabbage farmer! And he owns five chickens. What kind of farmer becomes a farmer and only have five chickens? I bet his cow is underfed too. And one goat? Please!" Genma scrunched up his face and raised the pitch of his voice so that he sounded like a worrying female. "Oh, Kantarou-san! Our cabbage soup is ready!"
"It's actually Kantarou-sama." Kakashi corrected.
"Ha!" Genma motioned with a hand at what Kakashi just said to further emphasize his 'argument'.
"I do not see the problem with having only five chickens." Raidou huffed. "At least I'm decent! I protected you! You just went and slept with some idiotic rogue ninja who had a fourteen-inch dick!"
"You calling me a slut?" Genma stood up, pride not taking the jibe.
"I fell in love with a cabbage farmer! An honest young man who made an honest living! And it just so happened he was poor! If you were a farmer, you wouldn't even have cabbages. And the only chicken you'd have would be the starved dead one in your backyard! You wouldn't even know the difference between a pigeon and chicken even if it bit you the ass!"
"Take that back!" Genma demanded, grabbing Raidou by the collar.
"You guys ..." Kakashi was a bit uneasy. He knew a dangerous fight when he saw one.
"You're a slut!" Raidou spat. "All you care about -"
"That's it! You're going down!" Genma threw a punch that Raidou caught and countered.
Kakashi immediately removed himself from the fight perimeters. Every time he attempted to open his mouth to stop the two older Jounins from hurting each other, he merely ended up dodging thrown objects and weapons instead. He didn't see the point as to why they should go after each other's throats. It also didn't necessarily mean that it was true. In the end, Kakashi blamed everything on stress. But still, to actually (there was a loud crash as Kakashi ducked and missed the flying couch that flew out the window on the other side of the room) go for each other's throats over a few book characters was not justifiable.
It wasn't even fair.
Kakashi dodged one of Iwashi's flying potted ferns just as a loud cry rang out.
"Fuck!" Genma hissed, worry replacing his childish anger as he leaned over the window. "Raidou!"
"You threw him out the window!" Kakashi was shocked, staring at Genma with as much horror a masked face could portray.
"I - I didn't mean it!" Genma looked down to find Raidou slumped on his side, panting. "Shit! Raidou!"
Kakashi and Genma exchanged looks and watched the scene unfold below them just as series of stacked folders fell on the ground and a familiar Chuunin came and knelt beside Raidou, rolling him to his back.
Kakashi pushed Genma to one side, so that they were hidden on the sides of the window.
"Ugh. Son of a bitch. I'm going to kill him!" Raidou groaned out, wincing. He caught his fall but just barely. He was still hurting all over.
Iruka was looking him up and down, checking for broken bones and ligaments. "What happened?" He asked, worried, ponytail bobbing and cheeks flushed. "You - You just fell."
Kakashi mouthed the name 'Haru' at Genma, who snickered and slid down the wall, muffling his laughter with a clamped hand to his mouth.
Raidou winced, trying to sit up. "Yeah well, there was a fight. Nevermind. Iruka-sensei, can you help me up?"
Iruka did not need to be told twice. "Of course!" He helped Raidou to his feet, looping one of the Jounin's arm around his shoulder and supporting Raidou with his own arm around the Jounin's waist. "I'll take you the hospital. You better make sure nothing's broken."
Raidou looked at Iruka (while Kakashi continued spying from above with his Sharingan eye), saw the concern on the younger man's face and shyly looked away. "Thank you, Iruka-sensei."
"Not a worry. Come on. Slowly now." Iruka lead Raidou towards the Administration area gates and towards the hospital.
Then Genma rolled with laughter, tears streaming down his cheeks. "This is so freaky."
"Hey, at least it wasn't a cliff." Kakashi shrugged.
"Yeah." Genma wiped the tears off his eyes and slumped. "Ya' think Iruka owns a farm somewhere?"
"If he did, I doubt it'd be cabbages. Potatoes maybe. Or radishes." Kakashi shrugged.
Genma snorted then reached out for his needle that lay on the floor, forgotten. Kakashi obviously did not like this and kicked the needle away. He also took Genma's forehead protector and stuffed it in to his back pocket.
"Come on now! Give it back." Genma made to reach for Kakashi's back pocket. Kakashi caught his wrist and leered again. "Hey, just because 'Haru' and 'Kantarou' are together checking for broken bones in the hospital doesn't mean ..." Genma blinked, sentence fading and he just looked at Kakashi.
"Hmm?" Kakashi blinked, smiling too broadly under the mask.
"You absolutely think that we're like those people in the book?" Genma asked, eyes wide. Kakashi's infamous underneath-the-underneath came slapping at his face just then.
"Yep." Kakashi nodded a bit.
Genma was suddenly very aware of how close they were and Kakashi was not letting go of his wrist either. It was - in Kakashi's humble opinion - a very lovely wrist. Genma swallowed a bit, cheeks coloring just as Kakashi looked away rather shyly.
"You think they'll fool around? Raidou and Iruka?" Genma asked, meeting Kakashi's eye once again.
"Everything is possible." Kakashi shrugged.
It stretched on to a longer silence until Kakashi released Genma's wrist and handed him his forehead protector once more. A mock salute was given towards the older Jounin as Kakashi turned and headed for the door, tipping a plant pot back in place on his way out.
Until Genma came and pressed himself against Kakashi's backside, chin on Kakashi's shoulder, voice husky.
"So how long is your dick?" Genma asked, nose nuzzling in to Kakashi's neck.
Kakashi smiled under his mask, wide and excited while simultaneously blushing. "Why don't you find out?"
This time, it was Genma who did the leering.
Collab-ed with Kagaya. Half my whack comes from her. Hwaa!
Uh yeah, complete whack.
Don't ask from where.
Whack is good. Whack is always good.