So the three fairies had a strong cup of black coffee to wake them up, and then they ran back to the cottage in the woods.
"Why there?"
Because Jack is there… What happened to trusting me?
"Sorry."
So you should be. Anyway, meanwhile at the cottage Jack arrived.
"Knock, knock, anyone home?"
"Come in..."
"Should I really? I mean, I just know this is a bad idea."
Just go in, will ya? Thank you so much. Gosh, it's Anise! What a surprise. Didn't see that coming at all…
"Aha! I've caught you! Well, well, I set my trap for a peasant, and I caught myself a Jack! Can I keep him? Pretty please?"
No! He's central to the plot line, I'm sorry. Actually I'm not sorry, but there you go.
"Can I have Daniel then? He does look kind of cute in a dress."
Ew! No way! He is also central to the plot line. Look, I tell you what. Why don't you have Pete?
"Who's Pete?"
He's one of your evil minions!
"Oh. Well, I guess he'll do then."
Good! Now, get back to the story, will ya?
"OK, OK! Well, I guess you're only coming with me temporarily then Jack, but never mind. I still get you for a couple of pages."
So they leave, exit stage left, not pursued by a bear. Then the fairies arrive, nothing like timing guys, and find Jack's baseball cap which fell off as Anise caught him.
"Aha! It's a plot element!"
"How can you tell?"
"It's sort of… brighter than everything else."
"Right."
"Well, it's not just often you find a hat in the middle of the room that wasn't there when you left."
"You are correct, Fairy Daniel."
"You know, I think Teal'c is enjoying this."
"Scary."
"You're telling me."
Ahem. Excuse me?
"What now?"
You're supposed to be rescuing Jack, remember?
"Oh right, yes. Well, it's obvious that Anise has him."
"Oh no, not in her lab! We can't go in there!"
"I believe we must."
"Damn."
Well, I'm afraid Teal'c is right, so off you go, all of you. And hurry up, you're taking forever!
"Well how exactly to you suggest we go any faster? We're running already!"
You could use those fairy wings and fly…
"We have fairy wings?"
You're fairies aren't you?
"Wow! Fairy wings!"
Grief… Stop gushing and start flying! Better. So the three fairies flew off to Anise's lab, and peered into the window.
"Wow, look at all the stuff she's got in here..."
Ahem. You're supposed to be listening to what the evil Anise has to say to Jack.
"Oh, right. Sorry."
Better. Right, Anise? That's your cue dear.
"Erm, right. OK. Well, prince Jack, how do you like your not-very-private corner of my lab?"
"It's lovely. Not sure I like the colour though."
Jack…
"What? It's pink. I hate pink."
You're supposed to be a prisoner, not an interior decorator! Play along, will you?
"She did ask."
I'll remember to punish her for it later, OK? Now get on with the story please?
"Alright, alright… So Anise, what's going on?"
"Hahahahaha! Poor little Sammy electrocuted herself on her reactor, and she's going to be asleep for the next 100 years. Only you can wake her up, so I'm going to keep you here in this ridiculously unguarded corner of my lab so you can escape, and then I'll come after you! Hahahahaha!"
Erm, right, yeah. I think you've got a little carried away with the laugh, dear. So anyway, Anise left to practise her evil laugh some more, and the fairies flew into the room.
"Daniel, Teal'c, Janet! Wow! Fancy seeing you here! Oh my… you've got wings!"
"Erm, yeah."
"They match your dresses, ya know."
Erm, excuse me, but aren't you supposed to be escaping?
"Oh right, sorry."
So you should be. So Fairy Janet got some special medical fluid with a long and complicated name and dissolved the chains holding Jack.
"Wow, what is that stuff Janet?"
"It's what will be involved in your next physical if you don't get moving!"
"OK, OK… I think you've been listening to that narrator too much."
Ahem. Watch what you say, Jack. There's a lot of really evil stuff to come that I might choose not to save you from, you know.
"Like what?"
Like the evil minions running after you!
"Arrrgggghhhhhhh!"
Quite.
"It's Maybourne!"
But he's not alone…
"He's got that Jenny Haley girl with him! And some other bloke I don't know."
Oh, that's just Joe. Don't worry about him, he's not important.
"Hey! Carry on like that and I'll get a complex or something!"
Well, serves you right for stealing Sam.
"He stole Sam? When?"
Does it matter?
"Good point. I'll kill him anyway!"
OK Jack, I think he's dead now. Besides, don't you think it was a bit mean shoving him into the wrong side of the event horizon?
"Erm, no."
I see your point. Don't get complacent though, here comes Miss Super-brat 2001!
"Ha, take that!"
"What have you given her?"
"It's a follow up report from the mission on the plan- I mean moon, with those glowing creatures. It proves that Sam was right and she wasn't."
"Noooo! It can't be!"
"Fraid it is."
"Noooo! Arrggghhhhhh!"
Way to go Jack! I don't think she'll be back anytime soon. Now there's only Maybourne left. Watcha gonna do?
"Danny, shove him in the conveniently positioned freezer, will ya?"
"The freezer?"
"Yeah… don't worry, he's used to it. It'll be a welcome break from the heat of the beaches I'm sure."
Yeah, so am I. Anyway, with the evil minions out of the way hadn't you better start escaping now?
"Erm, OK."
Hurry now, Anise has just discovered that you've escaped!
"You'll never get to Sam! I've set a trap around the castle – you'll never get through it!"
"What is it?"
"I'm not going to tell you! That would spoil the surprise!"
Fine, I'll tell you then. It's vines – but watch out! Those thorns are actually quite sharp!
"Oh no – what shall we do?"
May I suggest the funny greenish weed-killer of virtue?
"Good idea! Wow, that stuff is good!"
"It's specially formulated to kill lawn moss – it's got to be tough."
"Gosh."
Yeah, it is amazing, but that's the idea. Watch out though – Anise hasn't given up yet!
"Right! I'll deal with you personally!"
Here she comes!
"Hahahahaha! You may have killed my poor little vine plant, but you will never cope with this! Jack – I love you! Kiss me!"
"Arrgghhhhhhh! What shall I do?"
Use the 'let-down' of truth.
"Oh… right. No, Anise, no! I hate you, and not even your low-cut almost-non-existent outfits can change that. I love Sam, and I always will. So ha!"
"No! This can't be happening to me… I'm losing a man to a woman in trousers!"
Erm… yeah. So are you going to curl up and die?
"I must! The embarrassment is too much!"
Right. So go Jack! Go wake up Sam!
"Erm, if you don't mind me asking… is she really dead this time?"
Unless there is a sequel, yes! Now go boy!
"OK, OK… stroppy narrator..."
I can still ressurect her, you know.
"Erm, sorry. Didn't mean that. Nice, lovely, wonderful narrator."
Hmm. OK, well, Jack ran up to Sam's room. Right. Then he kissed her to wake up the whole kingdom!
"What, I have to do it now?"
Yes, that is the idea.
"What about King George?"
Oh for cryin' out loud… he's asleep!
"Isn't that a bit… erm… against the rules, then?"
Give me a break! Just kiss her, will you?
"OK, OK..."
Lovely. That's much better. OK Jack, you can stop now. She's awake. Erm, hello? Either of you? Ahem. Excuse me? Never mind… So eventually they stopped kissing and went downstairs together and saw King George and King Jacob.
"Hello, son. There's something you ought to- actually, never mind. You knew anyway. Just get on with it."
"Erm, King Jacob?"
"Yes, Jack?"
"Can I marry Sam?"
"Erm, yes?"
"Hooray! Now, can I really marry her?"
"What? Oh well… I guess… What do you think, George?"
"Why not? Go ahead, have fun."
You know… I'm sure that wasn't in the script.
"So?"
Erm, OK. Never mind. I'll alter the ending… hang on. Does anyone have a biro? Thanks. OK… So now you get married, and have kids.
"How many?"
I dunno. That's up to you, as long as it's plural.
"Cool."
Yeppy. So, erm, they all lived happily ever after. Except for Anise and Joe who were dead. The End. Can I go and get a drink now? Thank you so much…