A/N More of angstfest Garret. Every now and then he gets the urge to be a gothy emo kid who just wants to die. And today was one of those days. Don't own anything except the plot...
Coward. It's funny, I never really thought about the word much until now. But it's just sticking out in my head. I suppose I'm a coward for doing this, right? They keep saying that it's the cowardly thing to do, that all I'm doing is running from my problems, permanently. I suppose I am a coward then. Titleman was right, I am the cowardly lion. He wasn't the first one to say it, either. Lily said it too-remember? That night in the office-you said I was a coward and that I wouldn't know a risk if it jumped up and bit me on the ass.
Well, I suppose this is a risk. After all, things might not turn out the way I want them to and I might wind up living through this, which is not what I want. I don't want to live through this. I've gone through such painstaking methods to make sure that it works-I don't quite know which one will, but something will. I fucked up the heater; I'm sitting here with a pharmaceutical buffet in front of me and a nice bottle of scotch to wash it all down with. I don't quite know what the official cause of death will wind up being, but it'll be something.
Forgive me if this starts to ramble, I've already had one bottle to myself, and well, I'm just getting this all off my chest. Don't want to go without telling everyone just what I think, right? I am a coward. There, I admit it. I'm a coward for doing this. I'm running from my problems. I started running and ran into a bottle of scotch. Now even that isn't far enough, I'm leaving for good now, packing it all in and saying goodbye. Don't do anything like cry for me or anything, it's not worth it. Why cry for a coward? It's all I am.
But I'm doing this because it's the only thing left. I'm a coward, I can't take this anymore. What am I afraid of? Life in general, really. Not in that paranoid, never leave the house Louis Jefferies sort of way, but in that I really don't want to have to live it and I'm afraid of the pain that comes with each day. I'm afraid of what everyone thinks of me because of what I've become. I'm nothing any more.
I'm afraid of falling back on what I used to be, a good for nothing little kid who thought that they could be a rock star and thought that because I was going to be a rock star I could be an arrogant little shit. I'm still an arrogant little shit, just without the rock star dreams; I gave those up a long time ago. I think that's when my life started to suck, when I realized that I was never going to be anything, that I was never going to be a rock star, that I was going to be stuck in a job that I hated for the rest of my life.
I'm afraid of this job. I hate this job. I hate getting up every morning, sitting through another day of boring meetings, cutting a few people open, and then going home, drinking and starting the day all over again. That's all it is. The same damn thing every day. Lather rinse repeat. And I hate it. I hate this job, I hate my life, I'm afraid to live another day. Quite frankly, I'm afraid of what I'm going to do.
Better to get off with just my life then take someone down with me, and honestly, I'm afraid of doing that. I'm afraid to take risks because I know I'll get hurt, and I hurt enough as is. I hurt too much as is. I don't want to hurt, and this will take care of all of it. I'm going to just say goodbye and end it all. Get away from all the fear and all the risks that I'm missing out on. Just end it all now, before things can get any worse than they already are. I've hit rock bottom and started digging.
So I guess this is goodbye. My will is in order, I double-checked on that. I'll let the higher ups pick my successor-Jordan, as much as I love you, I don't think you'd be the best choice to replace me as chief. You hate paperwork and you hate meetings. Bug would be a good choice, he's good, he does his paperwork and he can play all the damned office politics without stepping on toes.
The one thing I'm afraid of is that you all-mostly you Jordan-are going to look down on me for this. And it's the only thing that made me think twice. But I can't stand it anymore, after all, I'll be dead, what does it matter what you think of me? It's just please don't think of this as a bad thing. After all, I'm getting away from all my problems-even if I am running from them, they're still gone and that makes me happy. I'm happy now, thinking about being away from all my problems.
Lily-don't blame yourself for not seeing this coming. Don't blame yourself at all, for anything, even though you're the one that first started to get me to think about how much of a coward I am. It's not your fault; it never was your fault.
Nigel, if ghosts are real, I promise to haunt you just so for once in your life you can gloat about believing in something that happens to be true. I doubt it though. Bug-I have a feeling you're going to take over, and if you do, good luck, you're going to need it.
Abby-at least now you don't have me in your life to keep bugging you, right? Go on and do something great. You have it in you, you're smart, you just keep doing all these stupid things, and well, go out there and make something of yourself. I love you, even though I may not have acted like it, you're still my daughter and I still love you-no matter what.
Rene-as screwed up as things are between us, well, I never meant to screw things up as badly as I did, but I guess it's too late for that now, right? Just don't ruin my morgue, don't work them to death, or I'll come back and haunt you too.
Is that everyone? If I missed you, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, it's just I'm drunk right now and I think the dying heater's starting to take effect, the room's starting to swim. Or that might be the bottle and a half of pills that's already been downed. Whatever it is, goodbye, remember me well. Remember the coward who just gave in to his fears, after all, that is all I am, isn't it?
Garret Daniel Macy