Authoress' Notes: This was originally done for an LJ community, namely Naruto Wishlist. The concept of the community is to write a gift fic for a random someone (chosen by the moderator for you)--and guess what, I GOT WICKED ENOUGH!!! -SQUEES- I love her! (I wonder if she knows that I got her? XDXDXD) Basically, this is my gift fic to her. Merry Christas, Wicked-san! (Yes very late, urm, but you know.) XD Hope you enjoyed this!

Disclaimer: "Dis" -- means sort of "to deny". "Claimer" - means to claim. Put it together and what do you get? Ho-hum.


Twisted and Bend
by psychedelic aya
For Wicked Enough.

There were just some things pregnant women couldn't do.

A little more…

A primary reason would be because they were pregnant—now wouldn't that be the blatantly obvious? Having another life squeezed inside them—a growing and nurturing infant (which will soon become a baby then a toddler then a child then a teen AKA a big pain in the ass—but hey, anyway, childbirth comes first)—one (or maybe two or three or four) lifeform/s which needed full attention, care and love.

Just a little more…

Being pregnant was—and still is—no joke. At the nine (oh those horrendous months) moon cycle wait, women have to go through stressful stages—from their figure change to their mood swings and their instant (and not to mention out of the blue) food cravings.

Go go go!

(Although the husbands claim it is they who get most of the whipping—er, stress—anyway…)

UGH, I can do this…

But it was understandable that a father-to-be would be ordered around by his better half.

SHANNARO, a little more!


"Sakura, what are you doing?"

And so what if you used to be Konoha's number one rookie? So what if you're still currently that heartthrob, drop-dead gorgeous guy that every girl (and guy) fawned over? Does the fact that you're the Hokage's best friend matter? Or maybe your ANBU captain status?

"I'm trying to pick up the remote control of the television…"

No. It doesn't matter.

"Why don't you just stand up and change the channels yourself?"

Not even the fact that you're from a prestigious clan who (strangely) likes wearing red and white paper fans as a somewhat insignia on their backs.

(Well tough luck—)

"But that's too troublesome…"

(—because your wife is in the same clan you're in, right?)

Uchiha Sasuke arched a thin eyebrow, giving his wife the look he usually gave Naruto—no no no! He's Hokage-sama now!—when the dobe—the Sixth!—usually asked really out-of-this-world and not to mention utterly downright stupid questions. While, of course, also choking on ramen.

—And troublesome? Did his wife just use the word troublesome? Sasuke wanted to rub his temples to prevent an upcoming headache. That annoying word… "Has Shikamaru been here lately?"

"In fact, yes. We played some Go." –I kicked his ass!, she wanted to add, but bit her lip before she could let her pent up feelings get the better of her. It wasn't wise to release frustration when you are pregnant, her shishou told her—(but in fact she was having too hard a time holding it in. Inner Sakura was flaming shouts full of "SHANNARO!"s and what-not ever since she had changed her name from Haruno to Uchiha.

Hell yeah!

Which was… about a year ago?)

Sasuke sighed, seeing the look of mischievousness flash across his wife's face. Whenever that girl got this look (her eyes would slant and her lips would pout—and oh! She looked just adorable!—but no matter the cuteness the Uchiha survivor knew better—especially when she started smiling that lopsided smile—) he just knew that he would be meeting that infamous alter-ego of hers soon, scheming (something not good, he supposed) a plan for his utter demise (or embarrassment).

(Remember that last time during the hospital check-up? Now there's the reason for the Godaime to know abour your sex lives…)

But thankfully, it was the just the Godaime. (If it had been the Rokudaime the Hokage tower would probably have been ashes and smoke right now. Katon! Housenka no jutsu was—and still is—the Uchiha's favorite, after all.) Sure Tsunade had laughed at his expense and had given him that other Sannin's book for some so-called "advice"—stupid perverse orange book Kakashi-sensei always brings around—but no thank you, he had said; after all, he had enough of that damn Icha Icha Paradise manga in Sound. Who ever knew Orochimaru was as disturbed—and more—as everyone thought?

Probably Kakashi-sensei. Yes, that man probably knew all along. As the motto of the "Icha Icha Fan Club" stated: "Giggly boys, with high-pitched voice, united plays with Icha toys."

(Oh, so that's what those meaningful glances meant when they last met each other!)

He considered telling Jiraiya that one of the reasons his book was a best-seller was because of that snake-sannin psycho; the Otokage apparently had two copies of each book (hardbound and softbound) and demanded everyone under him to own a copy too—

(He vaguely remembered Kabuto being ordered to steal the "limited edition" copy from a local bookstore—)

Of course that was the last thing he remembered about the "Icha Icha" issues is Sound—because not even a few weeks had passed and already Sakura and Naruto with some guys named Sai and Yamato had barged in the snake's stronghold, demanding for him and kicking his ass (Sakura had landed the first punch—he remembered being taken off-guard by that because damn it hurt like hell—); and they beat him up then (pretty good too, but he won't be admitting that any time soon) and dragged him back to Leaf bloody and wounded.

Maybe someday he'd thank them for it. (Even though he didn't like Sai much—how dare he call Sakura an ugly cow?) But only maybe, because he was Uchiha Sasuke and in his whole lifetime he only said thank you to one person alone—


And speaking of that person, she was currently looking very pitiful (and not to mention cutely tempting) with that pout of hers—completely matched with those teary puppy-dog eyes she so loved to make when she needed something and knew it was something only he could do—(but not always willingly, of course.)

He tried to remain impassive in his stare. "What?"

She gave a lopsided (but impish—that Inner Sakura, obviously) smile. "Please pick up the remote for me?"

Her tone was half-begging and half-demanding—which, as Sasuke knew from experience, was not a very good mix; considering who he was talking to, after all, was the strongest kunoichi in the village. (And one mess up from him can create an earthquake in the Uchiha lands—)

My ancestors would be rolling around in their graves.

She made her eyes blink numerous times for effect. And then, while slowly biting her finger like a lost little child, "Please?"


(And he picked it up for her because he was, despite what Sai and the rest of the world thought, a good husband—really!—and he did quite understand that her suffering was partly his fault to begin with anyways—)

Still, Sasuke knew only hell could come after this encounter.

"Oh my! I'm sorry Sasuke-kun, my hand slipped! Could you pick it up again…?"

His guess wasn't far-off.


As expected,

(The dead are turning in their graves—)

Sakura made him pick-up (or fetch) things whenever she had the chance.

(—but at least not yet… well, literally.)

"Sasuke-kun, I dropped my pen!"

His clan members were probably laughing their asses off at the state he was currently in.

"Oh no, the plates are too high! Reach them for me, Sasuke-kun?"

How could he, a member of the respectable and renowned Uchihas—the current head of the clan, no less—how could he have sunken this low?

"Gasp! My earring fell in the garden!"

Doing deeds (and not just any deeds; it was merely picking up slash fetching stuff—oh, like a dog?) for his so-called wife, the woman bearing his child (soon to be children).

"Sasuke-kun, could you please be a dear and get that magazine on the living room floor?"

(Then again, maybe he did owe her something—and did he daresay that it was also because he loved her? But that's not the point, still—)


She was abusing his already extremely thinning patience.

He grunted and bent his lower torso to make a reach for the magazine. Why complain when you're still going to follow her anyway, a voice at the back of his mind said. Besides, complaining would only be a waste of breath. (And not to mention the fact that he really really didn't want her to cause an earthquake with that inhuman strength of hers which only got stronger when she was upset; he believed the dead corpses six feet under the Uchiha's soil deserved their rest. After all, he didn't avenge them for nothing—)

"Please hurry, Sasuke-kun! I need it!" Sakura's voice called out again; and her shout was mixed with the crisp sound of something sizzling in the kitchen. "The cooking magazine!"

Cooking magazine? Onyx eyes glanced at the magazine he was holding—and his eyes nearly gouged out at the sight of the title, glaring at him in big bold letters. It was definitely not for cooking. What the hell? Did Kakashi leave this here?, he thought, staring at the reading material for a few more seconds before unceremoniously tossing it into the trash bin. Hn. Wrong magazine…


He managed to find the right periodical ("Konoha Kitchen" special issue! – The best cooking tips of the year! Also featuring: shinobi Hyuuga Neji! ANBU captain, head of clan and also master chef?) before Sakura shouted his name for the fifth time.

Sasuke casually walked to their home's kitchen, his face holding its usual stoicism as he held out the magazine to his wife, who was busy fussing over something heating in a pan. "Here." He said simply, slightly thrusting the magazine towards her.

(She looks really pretty in that pink apron—it matches her hair—)

"Thanks," She muttered, grabbing the said reading material and frantically opening it to a page where, according to what Sasuke could see in his peripheral vision, said, "Hyuuga Neji's cooking tips!"

"Neji?" The name came out of his mouth (slightly venomously and if not incredulously) even before he could stop himself. "In a cooking magazine?"

His wife nodded, not even sparing him a second glance as she browsed through that-white-eyed-freak's so-called cooking tips. Sasuke crossed his arms. "You made me bend again for the umpth time today to get a cooking magazine… just to see a feature article on Hyuuga Neji?"

Sakura grabbed what seemed to be the sachet for spicy seasoning and started mixing it with whatever she was making in the pan. "He's actually pretty good," She defended, still not looking at her husband as she cooked. "Besides, Hinata-chan told me Neji-san was the one who taught her how to cook. And you know how Naruto—er, Rokudaime-sama always says Hinata-chan makes the best ramen—"

Sasuke scoffed. "Any ramen is the best ramen for that idiot—"

"Sasuke-kun! It's Rokudaime-sama! And Hinata-chan's ramen is really quite good, actually—"

"But technically," And the Uchiha mistress didn't even have to look at her spouse to know that he had his eyebrow raised and his arms crossed while he was speaking, "It's Neji who makes the best ramen since he's Hinata's mentor, right? Is that what you're trying to say?" Sasuke was kind of amused. Kind of. (Because he was also annoyed that he bent his already sore back again just to give that arrogant Hyuuga even more glory. From his wife, no less!)

"Urm, yeah, technically."

There was a look of contemplating from the Uchiha survivor, and then, "…I knew it."


"Hyuuga Neji is gay."

"Don't be mean! Just because he knows how to cook better than women? It doesn't make him any less manly, if you ask me!"

There was a short pause after Sakura said this (Sasuke was unable to reply but indeed it made him even more annoyed with that Hyuuga—how dare he have Sakura defend him!), with only the humming of the fire and the sizzling of the oil filling the gap of silence left. Sasuke sighed as Sakura continued to ignore him for the better part of her cooking escapade—(but it was okay since she usually really did that and the food always ended up delicious to boot—) but what irked him now was the fact that she was actually following cooking tips from a magazine. And that wouldn't have been so bad, really. Except for the fact that it was cooking tips from a magazine featuring Hyuuga Neji.

And he actually helped her do this. Yes, it was a small thing and he was overreacting, he knew—but he bent for that magazine. And his back was sore from all the bending he'd been doing for her all day, and yet he still bent for that magazine. That magazine with Neji.

(People might be wondering why he was so upset with the guy. Well, there is that story of him proposing to Sakura, you see—)

Oh why oh why didn't he notice the features earlier?

(Then he could've used Katon! Housenka no jutsu on it instead—damn, such a good chance missed—)

"I can't believe you made me bend for that book."

Obviously, he still couldn't let it go.

"I thought the earring was the last straw, it was hell to find amongst all the grass—but no. You made me bend again. For Neji."

Sakura giggled. When Sasuke was being like this (slightly immature and pouty about small things), she found him awfully cute. (Even though he could be kind of pissed.) "Oh Sasuke-kun! It wasn't for Neji, it was for the cooking tips!"

"Hn. The cooking tips that Neji gave."

"But they're good cooking tips!"

"You still made me bend for them."


And Sakura's surprised squeal was what followed her exclamation of her husband's name; for Sasuke had positioned himself behind her, and proceeded to snake his arms around her waist (or rather, above her waist because her stomach was getting pretty big—it was kind of exciting, actually—she was already on her seventh month!) before finally pulling her tighter towards his body. He leaned his head on her shoulder and murmured, "My back hurts already and it's your entire fault."

"But Sasuke-kun…"

(I wonder if I should tell him to pick up the mixing spoon?—It fell when he hugged her, so it was his fault…)

"Hn. Don't move."

(Damn I need that mixing spoon—)

Still, she didn't argue when he nuzzled his nose into her neck. Nor when he pressed his lips on her shoulder. Nor when the slightest flicker of his tongue heated her skin.

"Mm, Sasuke-kun… I'm cooking."

He didn't stop what he was doing. "So?"

Sakura was getting distracted. B-but! A-and! The mixing spoon! Moaning a little, "Sasuke-kun… it's going to burn…"

He scoffed. "That just means Neji doesn't give good advice."

His wife laughed at this, and finally turned around in his arms so that she could face him. She got as comfortable as she could in his embrace (the bulge in her stomach made it harder than usual, see.) "Hmm… I thought your back hurt?" She asked, while wrapping her arms around Sasuke's neck, flushing as she felt him press their foreheads together. Their faces were so close that their breaths mingled and Inner Sakura was cheering the same way she did during their wedding night.

"It does."

(But he wasn't mad nor annoyed at her—just at Neji—and she was left wondering if she could still order him around after this—)

"…Want me to heal it?"

"Does healing involve bending?"

Sakura felt herself smiling. "Maybe."

"Hmm." And at the end, he was smirking. "Okay."

The strings of her apron went loose.

(Yes, she could definitely still order him around after this.)

After all, there were things pregnant women couldn't do and Sasuke was a very caring (and accommodating) husband.

(Contrary to popular belief—kind of like the Neji and cooking issue—now isn't that weird?)

…The Uchiha clan rested underneath their graves, and they rested well.

(No earthquake occurred because Sakura was happy.)

—Maybe she'd mention about the mixing spoon later—

(…And Sasuke would like to keep it that way.)

.//FINI - 121405


Authoress' Notes: This is the first time I've ever wrote SasuSaku crack. XP Sort of crack-ish and non-serious, at least. It was fun. I hope you had fun reading it as much as I had fun writing it. Thank you for reaching up to this point, as well. (Must be boring to read author's notes, ne?) Ahwell. Take care.

Smile, someone up there loves you!