Mommy Itachi
By: EvilPyroKitty17
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Naruto is turned into a three year old, and thinks Itachi is his mom. How will the homicidal criminal handle motherhood?
Pairing: None


Naruto spun around, laughing as his new dress billowed around him. "Mommy, Mommy! Look at Naru-chan!!" Naruto tottered up to Itachi and proudly showed off his new look. "Is Naru-chan cute?"

"Cute." Itachi replied, reaching over to fix a bow on Naruto's dress. "Isn't he, Uncle Fishy?"

"Yeah, real cute, Mommy."

Naruto, ignoring the fact that his beloved family was glaring at each other like they wanted to rip each other's throats out, went over to the plastic bags whose contents still remained a secret. "Mommy, what in dis bag?" he asked, poking said bag.

Rather than answering verbally, Itachi decided to just show him (and Kisame who was, unsuccessfully, trying to act uninterested.) He grabbed the nearest bag and looked in. "Well, in here there are diapers, some eating supplies, and bath supplies." He picked up the next bag, and looked inside. "Ah. Naruto, I got you a present."

Naruto jumped up, and ran over to Itachi. "Present?! Where? I wanna see!" squealed the fox boy, jumping up and down.

Itachi pulled out a bright orange teddy bear. "Here." He thrust it at the hyper-active boy.

Naruto looked at the bear, his eyes wide. He reached for the bear, looking upon it as though it were a holy relic, and as his shaking fingers touched the soft fur of the stuffed toy, a smile lit up his face so bright it could've put even Gai-sensei to shame. Naruto held his new bear up into the air, as if to say, 'World! This bear shall be your king! Bow before it!' So powerful was the scene, you could practically hear the dramatic and entirely random explosives going off in the back ground.

"What the hell?" said Kisame, gaping at the child who stood holding a stuffed, day-glow orange teddy bear in the air. 'Why does it seem like there should be roaring waves behind him?' he wondered, and then suddenly he feared for his own sanity. 'This kid's not safe for long term exposure!'

Itachi shrugged. "I guess he likes it."

Naruto turned around suddenly, and held his bear before them proudly. "Honey-bear!"

Itachi and Kisame sat there blankly, wondering what he was smoking, and where they could get some – er – wondering what he was talking about! Yeah. . .that's it. . .

"Ho-ney-be-ar!" Naruto said more slowly, and then smiled at them encouragingly.

"Wha?" replied Kisame

"Honey-bear! Honey-bear!!"

"Shit! What's this kid going on about?" the shark man asked his partner.

"I think. . .Honey-bear is the bear's name. . . "

"Honey-bear!" shouted Naruto happily, cuddling his new best friend to his chest, and giving it lots of kisses.

Kisame and Itachi looked at each other, and shrugged. "Whatever makes him shut-up, I guess." Kisame said, in a tone which suggested that even he was unable to fully believe Naruto was capable of being quite for more than 20 seconds.

Itachi nodded in agreement, and began to rummage through the various bags once more. Naruto, meanwhile, was having a long conversation with Honey-bear. (Later, Kisame and Itachi would be disturbed to notice that the conversation was seemingly two sided – though only Naruto could hear the other side. Of course, this comes later.)

Kisame, growing bored with watching Naruto and Itachi off in their own little worlds, finally decided to break the silence. "So, what do we do now?"

"I suppose we should go into a near-by town and find a place to stay. From there we can contact the rest of the Akatsuki, and plan our next move.

"Naru-chan is hungry!!"

Kisame and Itachi both jumped, as Naruto popped up between them. (Not that they would ever admit it.) "I want food!" he yelled, stomping his feet down. "Uncle Fishy said Mommy would bring Naru-chan foodses!!"

Kisame looked at Itachi, who was looking at Naruto, who was glaring at Uncle Fishy. The Uchiha sighed, and told Naruto, "Uncle Fishy lied."

Naruto's eyes filled with tears, and he gave the shark man a look of pure betrayal. "Uncle Fishy. . .lied to meee?!! "

"Wha-what?!! I did no-!" Kisame's denial was cut short as a kunai embedded itself in the ground right between his legs. He suddenly felt it would be a good idea to be quiet.

"Hai. Uncle Fishy lied."

Naruto, turned to his once beloved Uncle Fishy, and kicked him in the shin. Then he sat down and promptly began to sob. "Uwaaaaa!!!!!"

"Great, now he's wailing. Why did you tell him I lied?!" Kisame whined.

"Because," Itachi shouted over the increasingly loud crying, "it made him forget he was hungry!"

Naruto was at this point rolling around on the ground and kicking, and flailing his arms about.

"How do we make him stop?"

". . . . . "

"Ha. Didn't think of that did you?"

Thud

"Owww."

Itachi looked at Kisame who was lying on the ground and holding his head, and smirked. "Watch it, or Naruto will be having sushi for dinner.

". . . that's just mean, Itachi-san."

"It seems. . . quiet."

Kisame realized Itachi was right. He glanced at Naruto, only to see the kid laying passed out in the dirt, snoring quietly. "I guess," he said walking over to the sleeping child, "he wore himself out." Itachi came over to, and poked Naruto with a stick. Naruto mumbled, and rolled over, having happy dreams of day-glow orange bears, and homicidal psychopaths in aprons.

Itachi pulled out a blanket from a bag, wrapped Naruto up, and began to walk east, towards a town he knew to be about half-an-hour's walking distance away. "Let's go Kisame."

"Whatever you say, Mommy." replied Kisame grinning.

x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x

About ten minuets later, a very bruised Kisame caught up with Itachi and the sleeping Naruto. "Did you get all the bags?" Itachi asked him.

"Got 'em. And you didn't have to hit me so hard. . . " he began, but stopped when Itachi turned to glare at him, his eyes red. ". . .But I sure did deserve it. Ha. . . ha. . . ha. . ."

Naruto snuggled his head on his mommy's shoulder, and sighed in his sleep. Then he began to giggle. "Honey-bear, Mommy can't fly. . . ."

"Do we even want to know?"

"Probably not."

"Right."

Itachi and Kisame looked to the sky, as the earth shook from thunder, and a brilliant flash lit up the sky. "do you think we can make it to town before the rain starts?" the taller man asked.

"No." replied Itachi, as rain began to pour down.

"Damn it."

". . . . I blame you for this."

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Twenty minuets later, a soaking wet pair of men carrying a sleeping, and equally soaked three year walked into an inn at the edge of a large village. The man who was in charge of the counter that night was sadly unaware of how fragile a thing life could be. He smiled happily, and shouted, "Good evening, travelers!!"

Instantly, the small child woke up, and feeling very uncomfortable, began to cry. "Mommy!" was about all the man working at the counter could make out, the rest of the kids words sounding like some weird mix of babbling, sobbing, and made-up words.

Itachi calmly handed Naruto to Kisame, much to both Kisame and Naruto's displeasure, and walked over to the man at the counter, the sharigan wheels spinning. "He slept, all the way here. Through the rain. No complaints. And then you wake him up." Itachi grabbed the front of the man's shirt, and pulled him across the counter. "I am going to kill you." he spit out, furious.

The poor inn man tried to hide in his own shirt. "F-f-forgive me, sir. I-I'll do anything t-t-to make it u-up to y-y-you."

Itachi dropped him, disgusted. "A room. Now. And bring up food, and drinks."

The man hurried to comply, and Itachi turned to see Naruto bite Kisame's hand.

"Owwww!!!! He bit me!!" screamed the shark man, dropping the blond child.

"He does that."

Naruto ran to his Mommy, and grabbing his Mommy's cloak, blew his nose.

". . . . " twitch

"Y-your key, sir." said a timid voice behind them.

Itachi turned, grabbed the key, picked up Naruto, and stormed off to the room.

"Feh, drama queen." muttered Kisame, following them.

The inn worker, watched them walk off, and then, snapping out of his daze, realized he'd better find a meal for the guests. Quickly.

x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x

In the room, Itachi and Kisame were locked into an epic battle.

"Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!"

"Paper beats rock. I win." said Itachi, triumphantly. "You get to give him a bath."

"Shit. How about best two out of three?"

"No."

"Fine! But you get to put him to bed."

Kisame turned to Naruto, who was once again talking to that bear. The bear, which just for a second, looked like it was glaring at him. . .

Kisame shook his head. 'Man, I'm losing it. Stuffed animals don't glare at people. . .right?'

"Bath time, Naru-chan!" he told the boy, with fake enthusiasm.

"Yay!! Bubbles?! Pleasssse!!"

"Yeaah, sure. Whatever kid."

Picking up Naruto, he walked past Itachi who was sitting at a table reading a pink magazine called CosmoBoy! and opened the door to the bathroom. Inside, he sat Naruto down on the ground, and took down the black cloaks, with red clouds, which they had hung in the bath room to dry. "Ok, you go potty, while I take these out there, and get your bath stuff."

"Ok Uncle Fishy!"

"Do you have to call me that?"

". . . Yes." Naruto smiled at him, "I love you Uncle Fishy!"

"You're. . .kinda creepy kid."

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Kisame walked back into the main room, and threw the cloaks over a chair. "Hey, where's the bath stuff?" he asked Itachi.

"Over there." his partner replied, without even looking up from his magazine, where he was now taking a quiz on his 'Smex Appeal'. "Don't forget his pajamas"

"Right. The cat suit."

"Got a problem with it?" Itachi asked him in a mild tone. Too mild, Kisame decided.

"Nope. No problem. I love it in fact. Yes, very. . . uh, cat like. . .and stuff. . ." Kisame turned and ran to the bathroom.

x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x

He entered, only to find the floor covered with toilet paper. Naruto was nowhere to be seen. "Naruto?! Where'd you go?!" he whispered, trying not to let Itachi find out he'd lost the brat again.

"Hai!" shouted Naruto, popping up from under a pile of toilet paper.

"You. . .!" Kisame began angrily, but then he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and asked the little boy in a calm voice, "Why is the toilet paper everywhere?"

"I dunno."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON"T KNOW?!!"

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Itachi glared at the magazine. Who did it think it was, telling him he had a smex appeal of only 8 out of 10?! Someone would pay for this.

Kisame finally got Naruto into the bath, after cleaning up them mess Naruto made, then the mess Naruto made while he was cleaning up the first mess, and then arguing over whether or not he could have bubbles and toys (a bite mark on Kisame's other hand said he could). Naruto was splashing happily in the tub, and throwing bubble everywhere, when he got a brilliant idea. Uncle Fishy, he was sure, was only looking that depressed because he wanted to play in the bubbles to!

x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x

Itachi was not sure which to choose. Sure, the burgundy was a nice color, but wouldn't it clash with his eyes? He flipped a page, and continued reading, stopping only briefly to look up when an horrible scream and loud splash came from the bath room. He stared at the door for a moment, then went back to reading. Kisame probably wouldn't drown. Probably.

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A long while later, Kisame and Naruto emerged from the bathroom, one looking like a drowned rat, the other like a very satisfied kitten. The kitten ran towards his mommy. "Looky, looky! Naruto is kitty!"

Itachi set down his sword and a bloody cloth next to the table which now had a large meal on it, and turned to Naruto.

Naruto had on his new kitty pj's, which was a one piece suit, complete with paw footsies, a tail, and a cat ear hood. It was a little big on the blond, but all in all, it was very cute. Itachi pulled out a camera and took a picture, then quickly stuffed the camera back in his shirt.

"Did you just pull a camera out of your shirt and take a picture?"

"No."

". . . .sure you didn't. . . ."

Naruto climbed onto his mommy's lap, and pointed at the food. "Eat now!"

"Ah." Itachi, smiling, pulled Naruto off him and sat him down in the chair next to him. "Eat."

Kisame sat down in the third chair, the fourth having their cloaks hanging on it. "You look happier, Itachi-san. Normally, you only get this cheerful after killing someone."

". . . . . "

"You killed someone didn't you?"

". . . . ."

"Did they at least have it coming?"

". . . .8 out of 10."

"What?"

"Naru-chan wants that!" Naruto interrupted, pointing to a bottle of sake.

"Sorry, kid, you're way to young for that." his Uncle Fishy replied, laughing.

Naruto, was not amused. "Gimmie! Gimmie! Or I'm gonna bill you!!"

"Bill me?"

". . . .I think he means kill. . . "

"Damn. Now he's picking up your habits."

"Damn!" Naruto parroted joyously.

"Whose habits?" Itachi shot back at Kisame.

"Damn it! Don't you start f-ing cussing!" Kisame told Naruto, who watched him with wide eyes.

"Shut up and eat."

"Right."

x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x..pancakes..x

Itachi sat on the side of the bed, tucking the blond boy into bed. "Ok, now go to sleep."

"Tell me a story?"

"No."

Naruto pouted. "Then Naru-chan won't sleep."

". . .fine. One story." Itachi said, knowing it would be pointless to resist. "Once upon a time, there was a wicked witch, named Maruchioro. Maruchioro was ugly, and her daughters Tobuka and Kesusa were really weak. So Maruchioro decided to capture the princess Toruna, and steal her beauty and strength. Maruchiru dressed up as a snake, and went to Toruna's grandfathers' house, where she knocked the old man out, and put on his pimp outfit. When Toruna showed up she knew something was up, as her grandfather was not that ugly! So, she turned and ran, only just that morning she had bought these new glass shoes, so all she could really do was hobble. Maruchioro quickly caught her, and locked her in a sugar cookie tower. She then made Toruna sew oriental rugs in her sleep, while her very weak, pathetic, and lacking in hate daughters went to shop for a new over, big enough for the princess. Meanwhile, a prince who was ridding by on his horse, heard the princess's snores, and instantly feel in love. Prince Chitai ate a maaaagical mushroom, and grew really big. Then, just as he was about to pull the sleeping princess from the sugar cookie tower, the evil ugly witch Maruchioro appeared, and turned him into an ugly monster. Then, she took the princess and trapped her in a bed side lamp. Prince Chitai was thrown into the ocean, and would've drown, if it were not for the help of a mermaid Mesaki. To be continued. Now go to sleep."

Naruto yawned. "Kiss, Mommy?" he asked, his arms cuddling Honey-bear.

Itachi twitched. "No." Naruto latched onto his arm, and began to cry – again.

"Fine!" Itachi vent down, kissed the little bugg-er-darling child on the head, and then jumped away the second Naruto's grip loosened.

"Nice story."

"I hate you."

Next time: Sick, New Mission, a Fox's Complaints, and Bear-ly Sane.


AN: Anyone else hate school? x , x

Please tell me if you see any mistakes, etc. And I love all of your comments, so thank you! I'm amused, because some of you have guessed certain events which will happen later in the story.

Watashi wa mina-san ga daisuki desu!!