Summary: "I am not making a porno video with Renji for you to sell off to the highest bidder!"
Disclaimer: Ichigo, Renji, Rukia and the Shinigami Women's Association belong to Kubo Tite, who hasn't put them in the following situation. Yet.
Notes: For Eve, who has no soul.
What Ichigo said
"I am not making a porno video with Renji for you to sell off to the highest bidder!"
"Don't be ridiculous," said Rukia austerely. "I would never participate in an auction. That would hardly befit the dignity of a Kuchiki."
Like anyone who'd seen the shit from eBay Japan littering Ichigo's bedroom would believe that -- but there were more important issues to tackle at the moment.
"And forcing your friends to have sex with each other befits the dignity of a Kuchiki?"
Rukia looked horribly pleased.
"Ah, we're friends now, are we?"
"No -- no, on second thought, I shoulda said victims -- "
"Madarame is right, your Japanese needs work," observed Rukia.
"Look, why are you even -- "
Ichigo found himself abruptly Rukialess. There was, however, an extremely uncomfortable pressure on his forearm. Which was currently located somewhere in the small of his back.
"Listen," said Rukia in his ear, "I owe Vice-Captain Kusajishi a favour and I am not going to have my internal organs decorating the front of the 11th division headquarters just because you're a repressed idiot with more inhibitions than -- "
"Than my brother -- don't bring Brother into this!"
"Ow! The fuck, Rukia?"
"So you're going to deal with your suppressed lust for Renji in colour or you will regret it!" She paused for reflection, then added conscientiously, "That is, you will regret it more than if you did not deal with it in the manner I have specified."
"I don't have any suppressed lust for Renji!"
"Then," said Rukia, "I suggest you start finding some."
What Renji said
Renji scratched the back of his head and thought about it.
"Yeah, okay," he said. "Why not?"