Okay, yeah I know I have other stories which I really should get round to updating/finishing but this is the promised slash competition dare that Falconwings14 made me do. She's done hers so I felt obligated to finally do it. So here it is people! Oh and by the way, if you want to flame, go right ahead, I still have many many marshmallows to toast on my camp fire. He he…Marshmallows.

Anyway, let's continue shall we?

Summary: Set during OotP, Sirius' death through the eyes of the person who loved him most.

Warnings: This is slash folks; don't bombard me with requests to stop being a sicko for I shall request you get a life.

Rating: I suppose because its slash it will have to be a K/T…nothing explicit here folks just angsty one-sided sadness.

Dedication: There are many people I wish to thank but the main person is Sam; my partner in all things slashy! Words cannot express how much I love your writing and how humbled and amazed I am that we are friends. Can you believe this girl; she says she won't see Brokeback Mountain without me hmmmm, -Plots-. Love ya Falcy! Oh, and Whitey…just for being there and being you.

I heard a crash and a cry of shock and terror. A blinding green light bombarded our small gathering and shook the floor as it collided with something solid. Ambushed by evil, we could only separate suddenly as the killing curse hit one of our number. And only a few moments later, when the haze was lifted from our minds, could I begin to comprehend the seriousness of the situation. One of our number, one of my beloved friends was dead. All the sense and truth in the world could not dissuade me from thinking this new found revelation; it was my fault.

I pulled myself up roughly from the floor, not caring that I hurt, that the cuts on my face and hands were oozing crimson life that was slowly draining from my grasp. The painful ache in my heart dulled the sting from the cuts and scrapes as my senses went into overdrive. I began to look for something that I knew I would not find. The sense of dread was suffocating; it held me steadfast and the iron fist around my chest tightened mercilessly, squeezing the breath from my body so I could not breathe for the pain I felt for the pure futility of my search.

But all that mattered to me was that I found Sirius. But nothing, nothing could have prepared me for the real harsh truth. I heard a voice in my ear; a level, calm and collected voice from behind me that I recognised to be Remus was whispering to me as I muttered wildly, my heart starting to bleed.

"He's dead, Harry. Sirius, he's gone." I froze. I could not think, could not feel. A numbness took hold that began to hold me close in its ghostly arms so I could hear the pounding of the rush of stolen life in my ears. I tried to run but then something was holding me back roughly, fighting against my dangerously flailing arms as I cried for the only man who had ever loved me as an equal; for what I was.

"Sirius" I heard myself cry but I was out of control and could not stop myself fighting hard against the strong, firm arms that held me back. The futility of it all slowly began to become more and clearer, as blinding as the curse that had…killed…Sirius…

My fighting subconsciously ceased and all that came from my hoarse and sore throat was a pitiful whisper.


I felt Remus pull me into what was meant to resemble a hug but I could not move. His arms shook as he held me and I put up no resistance, nor returned his hug. It felt too much like Sirius, the way he had held me when it had all got too much. Oh how I wished it were he that held me now. The love I felt for him was overwhelming and it was killing me. Torturing me…slowly.

I stared at the veil; the embodiment of my fear and my hatred and my anger…and my love. Remus stepped away as I heard, vaguely, a distant groan. One of my friends was injured, hurt in the course of helping me; yet another thing that was my fault. They awoke painfully and were tended to carefully but it does not pain me yet to say that I did not comprehend, nor remotely care at the time that my friends were still there, let alone hurt. I suspect I shall feel remorse for it sometime, but not now; now is solely for my grief. Reality is a cruel and callous force. I realise I seem heartless and cold for not caring about the welfare of my friends who would gladly give their lives for mine but that was how I felt. My heart was gone, lost behind the veil.

Images, flashes of the perfect secret had we had kept for such a short time. A cruelly short time until life was taken like the breath from my body. I loved him and the torturous thing, the sheer pain I was in sprang from one thing: I'm not sure, to this day, whether he even knew how much. I'm not sure he understood.

I fell to my knees in fear and cold and I tasted salt as the tears I hadn't noticed ran down my cheeks, cutting harsh tracks in my hot cheeks.

"I love you" I whispered, closing my eyes against the torrent of grief and misery. "I love you, Sirius."

No one came near me, no one understood. I knelt for an eternity, hoping for one last moment with the one who loved me but it did not come and in a sense, I'm still kneeling, still begging, still praying. He did not come.

I was cold, so cold. I was not there and I felt…empty…

Okay, that was my offering to the ridiculous dare from Falcy, hope you liked it. Interested? Fancy a challenge? Leave a review with your email address and I'll challenge you to an obscure pairing. And I go pretty obscure you know; Falcy has had Fred/Remus and Arthur/Lucius. Feel free to give me a bell! Oh and next up for me is Harry/Tom Riddle. Wish me luck. Have a look at Falcy's brilliant work: Falconwings14.

Please R&R, feedback is always welcome…

Much Love people,