A/N: I'm not that motivated and this is my first fanfic, solely based on a half-baked promise I made to a friend a year ago. I don't own Evangelion, but if I did...I don't know. Maybe I'd supply some aspirin for people who didn't like the ending (I'm just lazy, so I gave up trying to understand it myself).

This starts in the third impact thingy, last episode of the series AND all the kids are a year older. That means Shinji is 15 and becomes 16 near the end of the series because I said so. Note to anyone concerned, chibi-kirby's don't work on this site.

Italics: Thought

Bold: Sounds

(. ) (.) (>.)> (. ) (.) (>..)>Begin Prologue (. ) (.) (>..)> (. ) (.) (>..)>

"Congratulations" "Congratulations" "Congratulations" Everyone...err...congratulated Shinji on finally figuring it (A/N: still have no clue) out inside his mindscape.

'From now on, I'll work to change myself. I have friends, they're almost family really...I don't need that Gendo-teme. There's no reason for me to be so depresse...#$&! My Eva's stuck inside of a giant Rei and everyone was killed by those evil Evas and soldiers. Why me...' Shinji's hopes were crushed as he re-entered pathetic mode and looked at the HUD..

'Shinji...' An angelic, ironic as it was, voice called out.


'Yes, listen closely. I need to fully access this body's control to escape the poor replica of myself...'

"What! You were a giant, albino rei/angel!"

'Good to see you're developing some confidence and wit, but don't interrupt again. I'll tell you later. Now quickly... knock yourself out or get pissed off!'


'I either need to be the dominant mind here, meaning yours is not conscious, or you need to sync up with me, and I'm royally PO'ed. GO!'

Working on pure instinct, Shinji thought of every wrong that was committed on him and focused on building his rage. Being God's personal hacky sack meant no lack of material and thousands of images flashed before his eyes. Down in Central Dogma, surrounded by pools of LCL and broken equipment, a flickering piece of electronics showed a bar graph instantaneously jump to 100 and still climbing. The servos in the evangelion could be heard straining as it tried to burst from captivity inside the "giant Rei's" forehead.

'Keep it up my son... the world depends on it'

Shinji was turning red as his face contorted into demonic visage (A/N: Thesauruses are fun! but too much work).



The Eva tore free and the resulting AT field split the rei/angel in half. Inside the plug of Unit 01 laid one Shinji Ikari, with a torn off piece of the butterfly controls in his hands, unconscious from the prodigious self-inflicted blow to the head. Yea...he took the easy way out.

sigh 'my little baka'

(. ) (.) (>..)>Later... (. ) (.) (>..)>

"Ugh...maybe I should have tried syncing up with mom," he pondered while rubbing the large discolored bump on his head. Checking the timer on his hand, he discovered only a few minutes had gone by.

'That would have been the wiser choice, but hey, at least you got the job done as fast as possible. Now I can answer your questions from before, but only a few because I don't have much time'

"Umm...sorry...but did you say that you were a giant rei/angel trying to control the fate of the world back...um...there?"

'First, lose the "um's" and "sorry's", you are too polite for your own good. Be respectful to those who deserve it, but don't you dare revert back to who you were. And no, I'm not. You see, your father created clones of myself composed of human and angel DNA. He called the clones Rei Ayanami and used them for the dummy plug protocol. So Rei was a genetic relation to you...'

Shinji blanched at the memories of his newfound naked sister/mother and started to beat himself to death with the broken controls.

'Stop that! It doesn't matter what you thought about her, she wasn't raised as your sister and it's not wrong at all to think of her that way. You should only feel a little guilty about what you did to Asuka, she deserved it for all the hurt she has caused you, but she wasn't even awake!' (A/N: If you haven't seen the movies, tough luck)

Shinji, who had stopped beating himself, started to ram his read against the walls of the LCL filled plug as he realized something...MY MOM KNOWS EVERYTHING I'VE DONE OR EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT! It wasn't as if Shinji had truly done anything horrible in his lifetime, but any teenage guy would freak out over knowing his mother knows his every thought. Shinji stopped as Yui began to speak again.

'Yes, I do and I'm disappointed Shinji... You should've asked Asuka to join you earlier! Two, maybe three or more girls were constantly trying to seduce you and you never even tried to hook up with any of them! Your worst dreams were of half-naked women! (A/N: I say he closed his eyes when he fell on Rei and has only seen the top half of any woman ever) I can do better than that! Here!'

Shinji was currently trying to wrap his head around the thought that his mother was perverted and disappointed her legacy wasn't passed onto him. It wasn't his fault that he was deprived as an early teen. Suddenly an image appeared in his head that might as well have been taken from an NC-17 ficlet. Maya, Ristuko, Misato, Rei, Hikari, Asuka, and Yui herself were abusingShinji in a way he wanted to become accustomed to and Kaji, the Stooges, and Gendo were crying in the background. For such an innocent boy, he lasted a whole two seconds before his nose propelled him into the chair at high speeds in a shower of blood.

"Stop that! You're my mother!"

'Fine, there.' The image disappeared from Shinji's mind. 'I know I'm your mother, but do you see why Gendo would destroy humanity to get me back? or do you need another example?'

"YES! no?...I MEAN NO, NOT YES PLEASE!...wait, to get you back?"

'Correct. Who wouldn't destroy humanity to get their sex-obsessed wife back? His entire manipulative scheme was to make Rei control third impact to kill everyone and bring me back to repopulate the world.'

Shinji was stressed beyond imagining, trying to stop the urge to vomit and kill himself while praying for a change in topic. Suddenly, a bright light appeared and an angelic chorus started to sing out.Yay.

'Kuso. Okay, there's not much time left, so I'm to rummage through your brain and answer all the questions you have...' Shinji felt comforted by a warm, soothing sensation of his mother holding him...which was instantly drowned out by the unbearable pain caused by someone raping your mind.

'Hmm, it turns out you did have some better ideas in your mind. Buy the karma sutra when you get back and study the 13th chapter. Ok, done' Just for your knowledge, Shinji was clutching his head and shaking violently, why did his mother have to be so evil?

'First, I'm not evil. I would have been gentle if I had the time. No, I do not love your father, he was just my favorite plaything. I would kill him right now for not properly taking care of you. I was absorbed into the Eva as a test pilot after being tricked by Gehrin, my body was disposed of because a lack of soul would have caused a psychotic breakdown of the shell. It happened to Asuka's mom, that's why she's so obsessed with being better. I've always been inside this Eva, Asuka's mom is in her's, and Unit 00 never talked, probably Dr. Akagi. No, not Ritsuko, her mom.'

'LCL is blood, angel blood to be precise. Nerv had the second angel crucified in the bowels of Nerv, her name's Lillith and this Eva is made from her legs. Adam was the first angel, he went boom boom in Antartica when Misato's father and Gendo stabbed him with the Lance of Longinus and caused 2nd impact. If you get the chance, cut off Gendo's right hand and pour Yebisu on it after that splitting angel. That shit's stronger than that pathetic pallet rifle you're forced to use. The chorus was on the third refrain and the light was dimming. Damn, there's barely any time left.'

'Idesignedtheideaofpenpen.Reineedstobeconvincedemotionsandherwillmatters.CreatinganATspikewillworkaswellasthelance. Askforasalaryforanyjobyouget,don'tgetbulliedintoanything.YoucouldprobablyuseATfieldsyourselfwithpractice.BuyaniPod. AND TRY TO HAVE SOME FUN, I'll always be there for you in someway or another. There's no time left. ByeBye!' The voice left, leaving many questions unanswered and Shinji disappeared.

(. ) (.) (>..)>Scene Change (. ) (.) (>..)>

Shinji's eyes fluttered and took in the site of half a giant Rei and the LCL ocean. The sky was a pure black night and somehow the beach was clearly visible. An image of normal Rei appeared and vanished into thin air.

'What the hell? Where am I? Did mother do this?' Shinji was seriously considering knocking himself out again, 'wait, maybe this is just too many head traumas in such a short time, yeah...', when a sound from beside him attracted his attention.


'Oh crap it's Asuka...wait, what's up with the eyes?' Then for some reason his body decided to move on its own and proceeded to choke Asuka to death. 'Well this is interesting, I'm feeling no remorse and she isn't dying.'


'Okaaaaaaaay. I have brain damage, that's it. I'll just start sobbing uncontrollably and sit back while I realize I'm stuck with half a giant Rei, a ghost Rei, and a half-dead Asuka.'

"Patheitic. You surely can do better."

'What? Her lips didn't move!'

"You suck! You rate as beepbeepbeep Social Excrement!"

The world around our confused protagonist dissolved and Shinji found himself in front of a very peculiar machine: Love Tester: To determine your prowess in the social scene, squeeze the handle as hard as possible. Costs: 100 Yen. The rest of his surroundings consisted of an out of date arcade and flickering fluorescent lighting. (For those confused, it was a game to test the strength of your grip and then somehow relate it to how good you are with women. It's like the machine in the Simpson's Moe's which I don't own as well.)

"Please play again," it said in a sing-song voice as Shinji finally looked around. He was first: alive, second: not surrounded by LCL, and third: confused as hell.

Wandering aimlessly, Shinji found the exit and looked back. 'Hm, this is the same station I met Misato at, wait...this place is abandoned. Where did everyone go? I must have dozed off at that game, but does that mean everything was my worst dream ever? I thought you couldn't read things in your dreams or feel pain? I'll make a phone call, maybe 911 or a local insane asylum' Shinji's thoughts wandered as he tested out his newfound sarcasm and wit. Maybe his newfound personality differences could be blamedon frontal lobe injuries.

"Sorry, but...loud explosions are heard in background...thankyou." click Shinji hanged up the payphone, disappointed on hearing nothing helpful over the sounds of destruction. 'what?' He turned around and saw the something that would screw over his life once again.


(. ) (.) (>..)> (. ) (.) (>..)>End Prologue (. ) (.) (>..)> (. ) (.) (>..)>

A/N: That's my explanation of the ending of the show and a little into the new story. Okay, review if you want.

Any ideas? I can always make an Omake if it's good but doesn't fit in.