Oh it's heartache every moment,
From the start to the end.
Oh it's heartache every moment,
'Heartache Every Moment' - HIM
Ennis was near panic.
Jack had been gone all day. He had gone down to town to get some feed for the sheep nearly right after dawn. Now the sun was just barely peeking over the horizon before sinking into the ground and Ennis was terrified.
Ever since he and Jack had moved into the Wyoming wilderness he had been happier than ever. Until a couple weeks earlier when he had begun having nightmares.
In his dreams, he and Jack were out driving when the back tire on their truck blew out. They got out to change it when they were confronted by a group of men with tire irons and bats. Ennis was knocked down trying to push Jack out of the way. He couldn't move because he was held down by an unseen force. He couldn't will the strength into his legs to get up and his voice was gone as he tried to scream. Jack cried and begged Ennis to help him, but there was nothing he could do. And right before his eyes Jack was kicked and beat to death.
Without fail he awoke in a cold sweat, heart in his throat, near tears and frantic to feel Jack's body beside him.
Every time he awoke with a gasp and every time Jack was startled when Ennis grabbed him. He hardly had time to wake up before his body was being invaded by Ennis, who nearly sobbed with the need to be close to him.
It took Jack a few rough nights and a few sore mornings before he finally got the truth out of Ennis. He reckoned Ennis was feeling bad about seeing his limp one morning and came clean with the story.
Jack's heart broke for him. He stepped closer to Ennis with a wince and took his crying form into his arms. He was clutched violently against his lover's chest, but he really didn't mind.
"I'm fine, Ennis." He whispered, rubbing the other man's back and kissing his neck, "I'm gonna be fine."
And he thought he heard Ennis whisper, "I can't lose you."
So after the weeks of terrifying dreams and his stress level over thoughts of losing Jack, he was nearing the end of his sanity rope by the time the sky turned black.
Ennis wasn't a praying man, but he clutched his hat between his folded hands, closed his eyes to stop the sting of tears and begged with God to let Jack come home in one piece.
He had barely ended his plea when he heard the unfimilliar engine of a car pulling up the way. He rose and moved to the window and his heart sank.
It was a police car.
Ennis had to force himself to breathe and grasped the edge of the sill to keep his knees from buckling.
'Please God... please don't let him be dead...'
It wasn't until he saw another figure get out the passenger door and head in towards the house as the car began to back out, did he realize it was Jack.
It took Ennis about a quarter of a second to meet Jack halfway to the door, grabbing him in tightly and kissing the words off his lips. And he couldn't stop the tears from leaking down his cheeks as he held Jack's head tightly, fingers fisting in his hair.
"Where the fuck have you been?" He hissed brokenly when he pulled away, anger quickly flooding over his relief.
"The truck broke down. Took me damn near all day to walk to town and have it towed up there." He explained, reaching out to brush Ennis' cheeks dry, "What's wrong?" He asked softly.
Ennis knocked Jack's hand away, "What's wrong? What's wrong! You're gone all damn day, I don't hear a word from you and then you come back in a police car. That's what's wrong!"
"What did you want me to do? Leave the truck?" Jack asked, defensively.
"I don't think anyone was gonna steal it, Jack!" Ennis yelled turning and stepping a few paces off, hand over his mouth, trying to physically hold back his words.
Jack let out an exasperated noise, "I'm sorry."
"You couldn't call?"
"I didn't realize you wanted me to." He stated near indignantly.
Ennis spun on him and closed the distance between them so fast that Jack stumbled back a few steps out of reflex. His jacket was grabbed and his body was tugged flush against Ennis'.
"You better make damn sure you check in with me the next time you're gonna be late."
Anger finally boiled over in Jack and he smacked Ennis' hands off him, "I am not your wife." He spat.
Ennis' face cleared instantly and Jack was almost startled by the abrupt change it took on as his eyes began to swell with tears.
"Fuck you, Jack Twist. Just fuck you." He half-whispered as he turned and headed off.
Jack didn't try to stop him. He cursed himself in his head, pinching his eyes shut tight and rubbing his fingers over them, "Shit. Shit, stupid. Fuckin' great." He growled heading into the house.
It was nearly an hour later that Ennis finally came back inside. Jack hadn't moved from the chair by the hearth he had dropped into when he first came in. And even though he looked up and stood when Ennis walked past him, the other man didn't even spare a passing glance.
Jack followed him into the bed room and followed suit, silently, as Ennis stripped down and got into his pajamas. But Ennis just pushed past him and headed back out into the living room to sit in his favorite chair facing the fire. He leaned forward, brow creased, eyes red from crying and his elbows on his knees as he stared into the flames.
Jack sat down beside him, turned sideways to face him, "Ennis," he began softly, "Ennis, I'm sorry... I didn't think to call."
Ennis didn't respond.
Slowly, Jack reached out, afraid of rejection but receiving none as he took Ennis' hand in his own, "What's bothering you? You'd never have reacted like this a month ago. What's happened?" And nearly as soon as he had said it, he knew. The dream. Jack's stomach suddenly felt tight and his throat went dry, "Is it that dream?" He asked.
Ennis looked at him then, eyes ready to fill with another round of tears, but he said nothing.
"God, Ennis..." Jack said, slipping from his chair and to his knees in front of the other man, "I didn't even think about it. I... I'm sorry."
Ennis blinked back his tears and licked his dry lips before responding in a quiet voice, "You're not my wife... you don't have to-" But his words were cut off as Jack lifted himself up and pulled Ennis' head down to meet his own mouth in a kiss.
And this time it was Jack that was crying, rubbing his fingers along the stubble on Ennis' cheek, "Shut up." He breathed against his lips, "Just shut up."
It was only a matter of moments before Ennis had sunk to the floor with him and pulled Jack into his lap, kissing him just as fiercely as he was being kissed.
After they had fucked in front of the fire and then moved into the bedroom where they curled into each other's warmth under the covers, Ennis held Jack close.
"You're not going to lose me." He whispered after a yawn, "No one's gonna hurt me."
Ennis pressed a kiss to Jack's forehead and closed his eyes, resting his chin on the top of Jack's head.
Jack's fingers danced slow patterns across his back as Ennis drifted closer and closer to sleep, "...love you." he mumbled.
And it took Ennis a moment realize the words had even been spoken, but Jack was already asleep in his arms. Ennis took a long hard look at the man he was holding.
Jack had been with him and had stuck it out through everything. He'd finally given up on his family life and taken Jack up on the ranch out in the middle of nowhere. And they'd both done it without those words.
Was it love? Of course it was. But they had just never said it.
And after all that had happened, all of Ennis' fears and both of their sacrifcing to get to where they were now, he really had no other choice or want but to repeat the sentiment.
But he'd do it when Jack was awake to hear it.
Author's Note: I just wasn't happy with the way "Brokeback" ended. It wasn't fair and it wasn't right to make me cry like that. I was honestly disappointed in the lack of their spoken devotion to one another, so I just had to remedy that. Please review and thanks for reading.