March 6, 2004

All right, so…I'm officially out of medication. And honestly, I don't want anymore. You know, the guys have been great through this whole thing…I just, I guess I just wish that things were…different.

I've thought a lot of about alternate realities recently. You know, if in some other reality Janet didn't die…

I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm numb…I don't feel anything anymore. Not sadness, not anger, nothing.

The flashbacks have subsided. And for that, I'll be eternally grateful, but I was talking to Daniel and something he said made me re-evaluate my thoughts about my relationship with…Jack.

He said he had regrets. With Sha're, he had regrets for not leaving the Gate buried. With Sarah, he wasn't sure what to think. But with Janet…

He started tearing up when he said her name. Then, he showed me the ring he had planned to give her when they got back from that mission. I'm crying just thinking about it. If I thought that Jack and I had bad luck…it's not half as bad as Daniel's.

Instead of asking her to marry him, Daniel buried her.

So, now I'm wondering what would have happened if she hadn't died. If by some miracle, someone had seen the Jaffa who shot at her. Would there be a wedding to be planned? Would Jack have…died?

I can't even think about that. It's still too fresh.

Maybe this is some…sign, for lack of a better term. I mean, maybe Jack and I are supposed to have a 'reality check.' I can't believe we left those feelings in that damn room! I mean, please…so many things have happened in that room- the za'tarc testing, I almost died in that room, Daniel did die in that room, all kinds of things…

I'll never be able to thank Janet for not putting me under that day. For not saying anything to General Hammond about…what Jack and I said that day. But she never gave up hoping. She was the one who helped me keep realizing that Jack loved me.

There…it's out. I love Jack O'Neill and he loves me. But now, I have to figure out what to do about it. Do I resign from the Air Force? Would it really change anything? Do I leave it up to him? No, if I leave it up to him, nothing will happen because he'll never ask me to leave, and the Pentagon won't let him leave.

Every now and then, there are images that flash into my mind- 'What-could-have-beens.' I'm a civilian scientist working in the labs…he's the gorgeous guy that I come home to…and Grace- well, she's playing outside.

Could I really give up going off-world? Even for Jack? Especially for Jack? Could he handle me giving up going off-world?

JANET! WHERE ARE YOU?

DAMN YOU, JANET!

I need you now, and you're not here to help me figure things out! And you're the one who brought this stuff to the surface!

I know this sounds bad, but that helped. It really helped.

Well, the guys are here. We're going to celebrate the fact that MacKenzie has begrudgingly sent me back to active duty. And we're going to save the world again tomorrow…and the day after that…and the day after that…

And we'll have to roll with the punches, 'cuz when you're in the field, you never know what's going to happen. I guess that's what makes our friendships- no, relationships- so special.