It's Not the Pizza Boy
Summary: Sam & Dean face the most horrible creatures on the earth…. a mob of Mary Sues.
Disclaimer: Nope, not mine but oh how I wish….
Author's Note: I know I should be writing the next chapter of 'Watch Your Heads' but I just couldn't help taking a break from it to write this new idea that came into my head. It's a short, humorous piece that came to me in one of my many random thoughts one day. I never do think that my comedies come out as funny as they could be. Please review me and let me know what you think. I'm considering doing a sequel, but am not sure yet. We'll see how it goes…
Chapter 1: Meat Cleavers & Baseball Bats
"I don't know about this Dean. It could be dangerous!"
"You don't really expect me to take you seriously when you're holding that thing, do you?" Dean asked, pointing toward Sam's weapon of choice.
Sam and Dean Winchester stood in the front entry of the Victorian home. Sam was holding a meat cleaver in his hands while Dean leaned against a metal bat he had chosen.
"You can't tell me it doesn't look menacing!"
"Of course I can!" Said Dean with a snort. "Sam, your meat cleaver does not look menacing. In fact, you look like a five year old holding their teddy bear!"
Sam hit Dean with the meat cleaver, causing him to cry out in pain. He smirked.
"I told you it was menacing!"
Dean glared at his younger brother. "Can we get back to what we came here to do?"
Dean chuckled as he watched his younger brother clutch the meat cleaver tighter at the reminder of why they were here.
"You are such a wimp!"
"I am not!" Sam said, pouting.
Dean sighed. He was getting frustrated with Sam's behavior. "Snap out of it Sammy! We've fought vengeful spirits and demons before."
"This is different." Sam shuddered at the thought of what lay before them.
"Oh, stop being such a whiney brat! We're going to summon this thing, beat its demonic ass, and get the hell out of here!"
"It's not that simple," Sam protested.
"The hell it isn't!" Dean replied, the damn cocky smile that read 'I can do anything' plastered on his face. "Now, I'm summoning it with or without your help."
Sam looked around nervously before sagging his shoulders in defeat. "Fine…"
Dean nodded his head in approval. Slowly, the boys walked down the hall toward the mirror hung on the wall at the end. They stopped about five feet away from it. Sam turned toward Dean, the terror apparent on his face.
"Do you want me to go and grab your blankie from the car before we start?" Dean said mockingly.
Sam glared at him before walking the final few feet towards the mirror. "Let's just get this over with."
Dean nodded and went to stand next to his brother in front of the mirror. Gripping their weapons a little tighter, they took a deep breath and said:
"Mary Sue… Mary Sue… Mary Sue…"
A cold wind seemed to rush down the hallway as their voices died away. Sam shivered.
The boys waited in silence for what was to come…
The doorbell rang. Slowly, the boys turned around, glancing at the huge front door.
Dean strode toward the door, still clutching the baseball bat in his hand.
"Don't!" Sam hissed, grabbing his brother's arm.
Dean shrugged him off. "Dude! Chill out! It's just the delivery guy!"
"That's just what they want you to think!" Sam insisted.
Dean sighed. He pulled Sam over to the window, pushing back the curtain. A pizza delivery truck was parked outside.
"See? Everything's fine." He drew the curtain closed again. "The only thing supernatural out there is the astronomical price they charged me for five pizzas!"
"You ordered pizza while on a hunt?" Sam asked in disbelief, yet his shoulders relaxed a little at the sight of the delivery truck none-the-less.
"I was hungry!"
"REALLY hungry okay?"
Sam shook his head.
"Now, can I please get my pizza and dig in or do we need to perform an exorcism on the food first?"
Dean moved back to the door, he leaned the bat he had been holding up against the wall so as not to scare the delivery boy away before he got his pizza. Reaching into his back pocket for his wallet, Dean opened the door.
"Did somebody order a pizza?" A silky smooth voice rang out.
"What the…" Dean looked up in surprise, his eyes meeting two sapphire blue ones. Before him stood the most unbelievably gorgeous girl he had ever set his eyes on. She was a petite girl with a tee shirt and jeans that clung perfectly to her flawless, milky white skin. She smiled, flashing him a set of perfectly straight and white teeth between those soft, voluminous lips.
With that one smile, Dean melted. "Hey there beautiful! Where've you been all my life?"
"Mourning the deaths of my loved ones and hunting demons while I waited for you," she said, a finger trailing up his chest.
"Mmmm, well I'm here now."
They leaned in closer to each other, their face mere inches apart.
Dean was roughly thrown to the floor by a frantic Sam, who then proceeded to beat the beautiful, young girl with an umbrella from the nearby coat rack.
"Die you tantalizing temptress! Die! Die!"
Sam proceeded to beat the girl unconscious before kicking her body out the door and slamming it shut, making sure to dead bolt it.
"Dude! What the hell do you think you're doing?" Dean demanded, getting up from the floor. "That was the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with!"
"Um… Can you say, 'Mary Sue'?"
Dean blinked a few times. "What? Her? No way!"
Sam nodded. "Think about it. She was perfect. Too perfect, no human is like that."
"I am!" Dean said, still pouting. "And I had finally a woman as perfect as I am! Well, I had until you beat her to a bloody pulp!"
Sam resisted the urge to suddenly slap his brother. "Dean! Snap out of it! Stop and think for one second and you'll realize I'm right!"
Dean glared at him yet his shoulders sagged in defeat. "Man… I don't want to stop and think… Even if she was a Mary Sue… Couldn't we have killed her in the morning?"
Sam sighed. He grabbed his brother and pushed him towards the back door. There was no use arguing with Dean when it came to women, evil or otherwise. "Come on! We've got to get out of here!"
Dean mumbled something about spinster young brothers who needed to get laid but he yielded in the end.
Halfway out the back door and to the Impala that was parked in the driveway, Sam halted. All around, stunning girls stepped out of the shadows, advancing towards them.
"We've been waiting for you," they said seductively.
Sam swore as their path to the Impala disappeared amid the mass of girls. "Shit! There was only supposed to be one Mary Sue, but there are hundreds!"
"It's my damn sexiness!" Muttered Dean. "Oh, how I curse it to the grave right now!"
Sam shot a glare at his brother. Only Dean could be cocky at a time like this.
Before he had a chance to reply however, Sam was knocked to the ground by the first wave of Mary Sues.
"Poor Sammy!" a large chested, red head crooned from on top of him. "Let me ease your pain away."
Sam tried to squirm away, but the girl held on tight. Desperately, Sam looked around for his brother. Where was Dean? Hopefully fairing better than he was.
Sam caught sight of Dean with five to ten girls surrounding him and his heart sank.
"Easy ladies," Dean said, smirking happily as the girls advanced. "There's enough of the Dean man to go around!"
Dean was in complete bliss. It was his dream come true. One look at Dean's face told Sam that they were doomed.
Dean's smile promptly faded, however, when one of the Mary Sue's lunged towards him, latching onto his neck in a ferocious grip that would have given a cobra a run for its money.
"Whoa! Easy there!" Dean said, a worried look on his face. He pried the girl off of him, backing up the whole while in hopes of getting away from the crazies.
"I love you Dean," the Mary Sue's called out. "We were meant to be together."
Dean smiled, more worriedly this time but a smile nevertheless. Sure they might have been evil Mary Sues from the far reaches of hell but they were hot evil chicks all the same and Dean Winchester never turned down a hot chick.
By now, a huge pile of Mary Sues had begun to grow on top of Sam's immobilized body. He tried to fight them off but there were just far too many of them. Already Sam was beginning to feel their power working its magic on him. Especially that attractive red head who was still straddling him…
Wait! What was he saying? This wasn't right! He had to fight it!
Dean, on the other hand, had no qualms what so ever at proclaiming his undying love to the nearest Mary Sue at hand. He belted out love songs, reciting the lines from the most romantic things he knew (which just so happened to be 'The Notebook'). Sam didn't know which was worse, the mass of Mary Sues attacking or Dean's singing.
It was over. Sam knew it. Even with Dean in his right state of mind, fighting off all these Mary Sues would have been a challenge. Alone, well it was damn near impossible.
Suddenly, Sam had an idea! With his last remaining breath he rasped out the words.
"You're not beautiful…."
The Mary Sues who had been pawing at him, paused for a moment, confused at what they had just heard.
"You're ugly! You will never be loved! Not by me! Not by anyone! Get the hell away from me!"
The Mary Sues all shrieked in horror. They had never been rejected before. It was impossible! No man could resist their charm!
Sam struggled to his feet as the Mary Sues writhed in agony on the ground. He quickly made his way through the yard toward Dean, the whole while shouting out curses to any Mary Sue that came near him.
"What happened to your face!"
"Is that spinach in your teeth?"
Finally Sam reached his brother who was still surrounded by a group of girls all swooning under Dean's words.
"Come on Don Juan!" Sam shouted, grabbing his brother by the jacket. "We're leaving! Now!"
"But I was just going to recite 'How Do I Love Thee'!" Dean protested.
Sam growled in frustration as he shouted off a few more insults at oncoming Mary Sues.
Slowly, they made their way through the mass of Mary Sues, to the Impala. Sam successfully managed to toss a group of sextuplets out of the car with a few choice words. He shoved Dean into the passenger seat jumped over the car to the driver's side. The Mary Sues lunged at the car, digging their perfect nails across the roof.
"What the fuck!" Dean yelled. "Get the hell off my car you psychopaths!"
Despite the circumstances, Sam couldn't help but smile at the realization that even the Mary Sues power could not win over Dean's love for his car.
After a brief struggle with the crazed Mary Sues, Sam finally managed to shut the car door. He quickly stepped on the gas, ramming a few the Mary Sues with the car along the way. They peeled out of the driveway with Dean yelling obscenities out the window as they went.
After a while, Dean's voice grew hoarse. They lapsed into silence for a while, neither knowing quite what to say.
Finally, Sam couldn't bear the silence any longer. "So…" he said cautiously. "That was pretty freaky. Even for us."
Dean gave no indication that he had heard.
"Man! You're not still upset that you couldn't do one of those hot chicks are you?"
Dean didn't reply.
"Come on Dean! They were Mary Sues! They would have turned you into a love sick slave!"
"I know…" Dean said, but he still looked upset.
Sam stared at Dean for a minute, baffled by his behavior. "Then what are you so upset about?"
Dean frowned. "I never got my pizza."