I have no idea what possessed me to do this, but hey, I'll take inspiration wherever I can get it from. I guess this is what happens when you send me into Starbucks and they're playing Christina Aguilera. Enjoy, bitches.

Disclaimer: I own the lyrics to "Tweekie in a Bottle" and that's all, folks. Everything else belongs to Trey and Matt. Oh, and I also don't own Starbucks.

Dedication: I dedicate this first to my roommate/beta reader Tygrressatheart as always, and also to my friend Twitchable Wiz, because he is the finest example of a Tweek fan that ever was and ever will be. This one's for you, Twitch, hope you like it!

Tweekie in a Bottle

"C'mon, Tweek, it's the last round! Kick his ass!"

"GAH! I can't handle this!"

"Yes, you can! You're doing great, now just use one of Kazuya's special moves to finish him off and you win the game!"

Tweek Tweak grunted and pressed the buttons on his controller in rapid sequence. His best friend (and boyfriend as of two months, one week, and six days ago), Craig Tyler, sat beside him and cheered him on, occasionally taking a swig of his soda. A few moments later, the words "YOU WIN" flashed across the screen in bold glowing letters.

"YES!" Craig jumped up and thrust his fist into the air before swooping down and tackling a surprised Tweek to the floor.

Tweek looked up to find Craig straddling his hips and holding his wrists gently above his head. His trademark hat had fallen off in the excitement, leaving his black hair free to hang down around his face. Tweek's nervous expression soon melted into a dreamy half-smile when Craig leaned down to give him a congratulatory kiss on the sensitive spot on his neck.

"Didn't think you were the Tekken type, but you're pretty damn good," he mumbled against the blonde boy's skin, moving slowly up toward his ear.

Tweek bit back a moan. "Mm-hmm…"

"So…what would you have done if I had you in this position when we fought back in 3rd grade?" Craig leaned back to admire his handiwork.

"Back then? Dunno, probably would've st-started screaming or something." A rare smirk curved Tweek's lips. "As far as now though…" He arched himself upward teasingly.

Craig gasped at the unexpected contact and narrowed his dark eyes. "Bastard."


"You do realize, of course, that now I'm gonna have to punish you."

Tweek's left eye twitched. "Huh?"

Instead of clarifying, Craig released one of Tweek's wrists and ghosted his hand down the boy's body until it settled on his waist. Tweek raised an eyebrow in confusion. "…Craig?"

A healthy dose of impending doom settled in the blonde's stomach as he felt his boyfriend let go of his other wrist and cup the side of his face with his hand. Craig planted a quick kiss on Tweek's forehead and grinned wickedly, sliding the hem of his forever-incorrectly buttoned shirt up a few inches to reveal his bellybutton.

"C-Craig?" Tweek repeated, biting his lip. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing." Craig eyed the area of exposed skin and moved both hands closer.

Tweek's eyes flew open when realization hit him. "You wouldn't…"

"Wouldn't what, Tweekie?"

"Don't! You know that's my…w-why are your hands still moving? Don't you dare—oh Jesus, no!"

"Too late!" Craig's smile threatened to split his face in half. The merciless tickling had begun, making Tweek screech loudly when he felt the other boy's fingers all over his sensitive stomach. He took advantage of his newly-freed arms to push Craig's chest in order to gain the upper hand. The two seventeen-year-olds rolled around on the floor for a good two minutes or so, Tweek squealing all the way.

"P-please, Craig—HA HA—I can't t-take it!" The poor boy attempted to catch his breath between fits of laughter. "AUGH! Not the bellybutton!"

"Say the magic words and I'll stop."

"Ah-hah, oh God, HA HA! Craig!"

"Say it!"

"Ngh! O-okay, fine! Craig Tyler is the pinnacle of masculinity! His smoldering hotness is matched only by his superior intellect, and we're all unworthy to have him grace our lowly planet with his sextacular presence!"

Satisfied, Craig kept his promise and ended the tickle war. Tweek sighed weakly, his sides aching from laughing so much. He glared up at the dark-haired boy, who had him pinned again. "Bastard," he panted.

Craig grinned and pecked him on the nose. "You love it."

"Never said I didn't." Tweek returned his smile and moved a few stray bangs out of his warm brown eyes. Craig's eyes reminded him of a mocha frappé. Staring into them, however, made Tweek remember his latest predicament and he frowned.

"What's wrong?" asked Craig, immediately concerned.

Tweek sighed again. "It's nothing, don't worry about it."

"Come on, tell me."

"You'll just think it's stupid."

"Tweek." Craig gave him a sincere look before sitting upright. "If it makes you unhappy, it's not stupid, okay?"

"…I haven't had any coffee for three days."

The other boy blinked twice. "Are you serious?"


"Damn…so that's why you've been so tired lately…"

Tweek nodded.

Craig had noticed the slight change in Tweek's behavior over the past few days, but he figured the occasional lack of energy and blank face were results of studying for their upcoming history exam. "Wait a minute, how the hell is that even possible? Your parents are like the coffee king and queen of South Park." He stood up and extended a helping hand to Tweek.

"I know, but that's the problem. Dad started experimenting with new brewing techniques, so he took all the coffee we have down to the store last Tuesday. He even took the special reserves from the attic…there isn't a single bean or ground in the whole house."

Craig wrapped his arms comfortingly around his boyfriend's waist. "That sucks. So when d'you think he's gonna be done?"

"Dunno, could be days. Weeks even." His left eye twitched again while Craig's expression shifted from sympathetic to thoughtful. His gaze wandered to Tweek's bedroom window, spotting his car parked out front.



"Isn't there a Starbucks that just opened in Middle Park?"

Tweek lifted his head from its resting place on Craig's shoulder and glanced down at him warily. "…Yeah."

Craig smirked. "You up for a little road trip?"

"W-what? No! I can't!"

"Aww, come on! I'm surprised you didn't think of it sooner! Plus Middle Park's only like ten minutes away by car."

"No, you don't understand! Every coffee-related businessperson in the county knows my family!" The frantic boy grabbed Craig's shirt collar. "If they see me in one of their stores buying their product, they're gonna tell my dad and then he'll get mad and call me a traitor to the Tweek family name and ship me off to boarding school in Romania!"

"You're so cute when you're paranoid."


"Okay, okay! Damn…no Starbucks then, I guess."

Tweek groaned and ran a hand through his messy hair. "If only there was a way that I could buy coffee without anyone in the industry knowing it was me…"

"Yeah, but it's not like you could just get somebody to drive to Starbucks and get it for you, right?"

The light bulb turned on in Tweek's brain. "Craig…you're a genius…"

"Tell me something I don't know." He smiled arrogantly. "Wait, why am I a genius again?"

"You can drive down to Starbucks for me! It's perfect, nobody knows you!"

"Gee, thanks babe," Craig deadpanned.

The blonde rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean. Come on, please?"

"Man, I don't know about—" Craig protested, but stopped when he saw the look on Tweek's face. "Dammit, not the puppy dog eyes! What'd I tell you about doing that?"


Craig sighed in defeat. He knew it was useless trying to resist those big hazel eyes and pouty lips, especially when Tweek was in such close range. "Ugh…all right, I'll go! Just quit it with the face already."

"Coffee! Sweet Jesus, yes!"

"So what do you want?"

"French-Vanilla latté, Venti size, extra shot, whipped cream, and a couple of the little stirrer things cause I like those." Tweek rambled.

Craig raised an eyebrow. "Dude, you are so gay."

Tweek scoffed. "Look who's talking."

"Whatever. I'll be back in like half an hour, okay?" Craig grabbed his hat and dug his car keys out of his jeans pocket. Tweek stopped him at the door and snaked his arms around his shoulders.

"Y'know," he began in a low voice. "The sooner I get my coffee, the sooner we can play again." He started playing with the hair at the back of Craig's neck.

The dark-haired boy blushed and cleared his throat. "Make that fifteen minutes."

"Good." Tweek smiled and kissed him deeply (furthering the blush) before stepping back to let him go. Craig turned away to hide the grin threatening to take over his face and headed down the stairs.

Twenty-one minutes and forty-four seconds later found a rather anxious Tweek Tweak sitting Indian-style on the floor of his bedroom, rocking back and forth ever so slightly. His pattern as of late was to dash to his window every thirty seconds and scan the street for any sign of Craig's black Thunderbird.

The tall boy flopped onto his bed face-first after his sixth disappointing search. "Need…c-coffee…" he mumbled into his pillow. His fingers brushed against something caught between the mattress and the headboard, making him raise his head for a better look. Pulling it out, Tweek turned it over in his hands and saw that it was one of the mix CDs he'd made a while back.

"I wonder which one this is," he thought aloud, noticing that the disc was unmarked. He walked over to his computer and popped it into the correct drive, glad for the temporary distraction.

The familiar opening notes of a certain Christina Aguilera song blasting from the speakers startled him. "What the hell?" Tweek stared bewilderedly at his computer screen for a moment before remembering. "Oh yeah…I made this back in freshman year when I was going through my bubblegum pop phase." He blushed at the embarrassing memory and looked around out of habit even though he knew he was alone.

Having shut his bedroom door, he turned his lamp down to its lowest setting and closed the blinds on his window. "God only knows when Craig'll be back, and it's not like there's anything better to do, right?" he asked no one in particular.

He started the song over and found himself mumbling his own version of the lyrics.

Woo woo woo wooooooah yeah

I feel like I've been locked up tight

Without coffee for three damn nights

Waiting for Craig to…come from Starbucks…

I'm lickin' my lips

He's comin' back my way

And he better have my Venti-size latté

Craig, Craig, Craig…

"Wow, I'm pretty good at this…" Tweek mused. His body swayed back and forth in time with the beat.

Caaaaaaapuccinooooooooo…(my body needs some caffeine)

Espreeeeeeeessoooooooooo…(cause my heart rate is too low…GAH!)

Involuntary twitching aside, the caffeine-deficient boy was starting to really get into it and have fun.

If you wanna be with me

I will need that damn latté

I'm a Tweekie in a bottle

You gotta get me that coffee…

If you wanna be with me

Craig, please make my wish come true

Extra French-vanilla flavor (Jesus!)

And I'll sleep with you

(I'm a Tweekie in a bottle, baby, gotta give me the caffeine, honey)

(I'm a Tweekie in a bottle, baby, come-come-come on and hurry up!)

By the end of the chorus, Tweek danced as if no one was watching. He jumped on his bed and bounced around, then leapt off and slid on his knees across the floor.

My music's playin' and the lights are low

And dammit, I could use a cup of joe

Waiting for Craig to…relieve me…

I'll be racin' at the speed of light

Folgers positive is my blood type

Craig, Craig, Craig…

Moooooooooochaaaaaaaaa…(my body needs some caffeine)

Jaaaaaaavaaaaaaaaa…(cause my heart rate is too low…URGH!)

The chorus came around a second time and Tweek had a ball. He continued gyrating around the room wildly, shaking his skinny ass for all it was worth.

If you wanna be with me

Baby, there's only one way

Because Tweekie in the bottle

Needs his gotdamn latté

If you wanna be with me

Craig, please make my wish come true

Just give me that caffeine, baby

And I'll sleep with you

(I'm a Tweekie in a bottle, baby, gotta get me the coffee, honey)

(I'm a Tweekie in a bottle, baby, don't-for-get-the-little stirrer things)

(I'm a Tweekie in a bottle, baby, gotta get me the coffee, honey)

(I'm a Tweekie in a bottle, baby, come-come-come on and hurry up!)

Fraaaaaaapuccinooooooooo…(my body needs some caffeine)

Maaaaaaachiattooooooooo…(cause my heart rate is too low…OH GOD!)

If you wanna be with me

Baby, there's only one way

I'm a Tweekie in a bottle

And I need that sweet coffee

If you wanna be with me

Craig, please make my wish come true

Double-shot with extra flavor

And I'll sleep with you

If you wanna be with me

I will need my damn latté

I'm a Tweekie in a bottle

Gotta have me some coffee

If you wanna be with me

Craig, please make my wish come true

Just give me that caffeine, baby

And I'll sleep with you

I'm a Tweekie in a bottle, Craig, come-come-come on and take me NOW!

He ended by dropping down to his knees again and striking a final pose. The sound of slow clapping brought him out of his dance-induced haze and he looked up in horror. Craig stood there by his now-open door, grinning like a madman.

"How…how long have you been standing there?"

"I'd say about since 'I'll be racin' at the speed of light, Folgers positive is my blood type', I think."

Tweek stood up quickly, face flushed from both embarrassment and his little boogie-session. "Oh…w-well, um…"

Craig chuckled and picked up the two lattés he'd set on the other boy's dresser. "Maybe you should dance with your eyes open from now on." He handed the stuttering blonde his drink.

All humiliation flew out the window as soon as the first drops hit Tweek's tongue. "Oh God…so good…" Craig smiled, relieved that his boyfriend could be happy again.

Tweek turned to him after a moment, clutching his cup with both hands and smiling shyly. "Thanks."

"Anytime. Hell, you should send me out for stuff more often. That little show was pretty hot." The dark-haired boy slung an arm around Tweek's waist, causing him to blush again.

"You're not gonna tell anybody about that, are you?" He fiddled with the little stirrer things.

"Me? Of course not…"


"Okay, okay! I promise I won't tell anyone that you're a closet Christina Aguilera fanboy."

Tweek narrowed his hazel eyes and bumped Craig's hip with his own.

"So what do you wanna do after you finish your latté?" He kissed the taller boy's cheek and walked over to the door.

"That depends. What are you up for?"

"Hmm, I remember something about 'the sooner I get my coffee, the sooner we can play'. Ring any bells?"

"Maybe…" Tweek took another long sip. "I think you might have to refresh my memory."

Craig closed the door quietly and leaned against it. "No problem. Might take a while though."

Tweek slid over to him and set his half-empty drink on the dresser. "Well, it's not like you're going anywhere anytime soon." He slipped his hands into the back pockets of Craig's jeans.

"True. I see the coffee is working its magic." He smirked.

The blonde rolled his eyes and kissed the other boy feverishly. They somehow made their way to the bed, Tweek gaining the upper hand for a change and pinning Craig on top of the sheets. Their lips finally parted after air became a necessity and the two lay there, panting.

"Damn…I am definitely driving to Starbucks more often."

Tweek grinned and turned off the light.

Hope you liked that one. Reviews and constructive criticism would be appreciated, as always!