Till death do us part
A RahXephon: Pluraritas Concentio fanfiction by regie27
Standard Disclaimers apply
"Seal with a righteous kiss
A dateless bargain to engrossing death!"
Romeo and Juliet, Act 5, Scene 3
I can sense his breathing becoming more shallow and irregular as the minutes go by. He still stares at me with glassy eyes through half closed lids. The tight grip he held over my left shoulder just a moment ago has loosened as I watch his arm fall limp beside his body. I gather his head closer to my chest as I move in a soothing rocking motion. Soon it will be all over love. We will be soon in a place where you don't have to forget about me or where I don't have to see you whisked away from my side all over again. We will be at last together, for eternity.
His eyelids finally give up on him and close, his befuddled, accusatory glance no longer talking to me in silence. I'm glad. It hurt me so to see his beautiful blue eyes looking at me that way, peering deep into my soul. I remember so well how much it hurt me to witness that same confused glance when I brought him out of Tokyo Jupiter against his will. A tear manages to make its way out and I bend my head to dry it with a kiss. His skin feels cool against my lips. My own tears fall over his face, already paling with the mask of death. His life support unit beeps in alarm. I can't allow TERRA to get a hold of what I've done, so I remove the white vest that monitors his vital signs, but even if they knew, I doubt they would be able to help him. I have made sure I've used the right dose to make this as quickly and painless as possible to him.
"You're a...horrible person..." he managed to mumble that day before passing out after I had no other choice but to sink the needle into his arm. Yes, I know. I know I can be an awful, selfish person but that same selfishness is what has propelled me back to him because in the end, what is love but a derivate of selfishness?
I put a hand over his chest and I can't barely feel the beating of his heart and the rise and fall that denotes breathing is slowing to a crawl. The drug has almost taken it's toll over him. I close my eyes as I touch the hard steel of the pistol that rests in my waist. One shot has been already fired but there's plenty ammunition in the magazine for what it will be required to do. I click the safety off and wait, wait for him to draw his last breath.
What has driven me to make this decision, to push me to do this awful thing? I knew well that my work at TERRA would mean putting aside my scruples for the sake of the mission, to lie and fight and sneak my way forward until I had fulfilled my orders. Isn't that after all what an Intel agent must do, to deceive and lie to gather information, to use people as mere tools for an objective? Yes, and I was willing to become that and worse just for the chance to see him again. When this mission had first arrived to the Intelligence Division, I volunteered without hesitation, knowing that it would entail making decisions that would put others into the line of fire, but that didn't mattered to me. I was coming back to Tokyo and that was all I cared for. I know that if I hadn't volunteered, the mission would had been handed over to me anyway. I'm very much aware that they allowed me to carry the mission because they knew all too well the ties that bound me to Tokyo and to the Instrumentalist, to Ayato. They were willing to use me and my feelings to further their plans to foil the Mu's strategy, to strip them of their priced weapon. It seems that I am not the only awful person here after all. My commanding officers were willing to use anything they had at hand to further their cause and couldn't care less about my feelings. All that it mattered to them was the objective, amd just as I was willing to do anything to get back to him, they were willing to do anything if that meant defeating the Mu. It was for the good of mankind, I rationalized as well I know the others did in order to alleviate the burden of their actions. But deep in my heart, all I wanted was to see him again.
I can still hear Commander Kunugi's voice as he made his position crystal clear in case my resolve faltered:
"Those whose blood turn blue lose their memories of the past and they get erased and rewritten to those of a Mulian. If an instrumentalist who has become Mulian tunes the world, it will lead to the denial of our world. It will mean the obliteration of the human race." Something unhinged inside me when the meaning sank in. My reply was emphatic:
"Then I'll do it. If it comes to that I'll kill Kamina myself!"
Perhaps Kunugi and the others thought I was willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of humanity, but if they knew the true reason, perhaps they wouldn't think so highly of me. The truth is that I don't care about humanity. I've been hurt and betrayed too much to believe in the good of mankind any longer. I just can't stand the fact that after all I had gone through, after all the searching and waiting, my existence and my love were to be erased from his memory just like I had never existed at all. That enraged me. The Mu were not only content in building the barrier that pushed us apart in more ways than just physically. They forced me to grow into this older woman while he remained forever young inside the protective cover of the Absolute Barrier. I had to endure everyday go by with the anguish of not knowing what had happened to him, whether he had survived or not. From the day I witnessed the reddish barrier arise over the city I had called my home, love eluded me because it had remained trapped inside, with him. Now with his blood turned blue, the final blow was to be dealt and that I could not take idly. How I could ever allow to make my existence to him meaningless, a mere footnote in his life? Now that I had finally found him after waiting for so long, after I finally held him, made love to him, was I to let him go in this cruelest of ways?
My reverie is interrupted by the loud wails of TERRA's alert sirens going off. My cell phone rings incessantly but I ignore its annoying chirps. I can imagine HQ must be sunk into utter chaos because the RahXephon hasn't left the launching pad as expected and they can't trace Ayato's signal, that of course also being my doing. The worse enemy indeed is the enemy within.
I hear the doors that give way to the Abacus open and quick, frantic steps break the silence. A figure clad in a white lab coat rushes in, running over the platform were I sit. Visibly worried, Dr. Kisaragi Itsuki scans the room for the RahXephon's instrumentalist.
"Haruka!" he screams. "Where is Ayato? What's going on here?"
I offer him a grim smile. I see his pupils constrict and his face become ashen as his eyes find Ayato's limp body with me. An empty syringe lies at his feet. Itsuki's mouth opens yet the words fail to make their way out for a moment until he forces them out. I can see he' still trying to come to terms with what his eyes are seeing.
"What in heavens have you done to Ayato Captain Shitow?" His voice is cracking up. His hands tremble as his mind begins to add up the details until it all comes clear to him.
"I'm sorry Dr. Kisaragi..." I whisper.
"Do you realize what you have done...you've condemned Quon to death! You've condemned humanity to oblivion! Why...why Haruka?"
"Because I love him and I can't stand to have him lose his memories of me! Because I prefer him dead than have him forget about me. He's...he's not a red-blooded human anymore and I can't stand the fact that the man I love will give way to a stranger when his memories get stripped and replaced by anothers."
"And now doctor, I will once again do what I've been doing all my life. I will search for him until I find him. I swear I will make my way through heaven and hell just to be with him."
I raise the pistol from where I had kept it with steady pulse. The cold, polished surface of the barrel graces the skin where my neck and head connect. The tip of my index finger comes to rest slightly over the sensitive trigger. Itsuki's eyes widen in utter horror. I gather a deep breath as I realize my lover has ceased breathing. My cue has arrived and it's time for me to leave the stage of this tragedy. "Wait for me love, I'm coming!" I murmur to myself.
"For the love of God Haruka, don't do it!"
Itsuki begins to run but it's too late already. No one will stop me from joining Kamina again, even if it has to be in the afterlife. I kiss Ayato's inanimate lips one last time. I catch his soothing voice talk to me in my mind as he guides me and I allow his spirit to lead the way.
"Stop it, damn it, stop!" Itsuki is now at mere paces from me. His arms flail desperately in front of him, trying to reach me, hoping to snap the pistol from my grip. I stare at Itsuki with a smile as I let my finger slowly squeeze the trigger. As I sense Kamina's presence commanding me to hurry, I allow one last word to escape my lips before the curtain of my life falls forever:
I guess that summarizes the expression you must be having right now. Believe it or not, I had the same expression after I wrote "Fin." I had always thought that the scene when she's about to stop Ayato from piloting the RahXephon had been very dramatic and that the pendulum could have easily swayed the other way had she been in a more desperate and hopeless state. Of course the fact that I love Sokudo Ningyou and blue's dark takes on the Sailor Moon universe kinda propelled me to try something similar and here's the end result. Well, I'm sure glad this is out of my system. Writing this stuff is hard!
Hope you have enjoyed this journey into the dark and angst filled depths of RX.