Title: Wardrobe Malfunction
Author: Myriad
Rating: PG-13. Somebody needs to have their mouth washed out with soap…
Summary: Because Apophis has serious issues in Children of the Gods.
Spoilers:Children of the Gods, though if you haven't seen it by now…
Classification: Humor, Apophis
Disclaimer: If I owned Stargate: SG-1, would I really be writing this? But I do own the unfortunate Jar'yc, and the Godly Glare of Doom™…
Author's Note: My first fan fiction in about 18 months, and my first SG1, so be kind? Watching the reruns on Sci-Fi last week, I was amused to remember how goofy the Goa'uld were in the first episodes. And after watching Apophis' dramatic entrance into the cell with Amunet, I just had to write this…

Wardrobe Malfunction

"Jaffa!" my loyal First Prime shouts, and they set down the litter I share with my queen. I reach up to throw the silk hangings dramatically aside—

And trip on my voluminous sleeves, falling into the aforementioned hangings and tumbling onto the floor of the cell wrapped in bronze silk.

The humans are staring at me; so are many of my Jaffa. No, no, no! This is not good! It is not godly! Several Jaffa come to help me untangle myself; I swat them away and get to my feet with as much dignity as I can.

"We will do this again," I say, pitching my voice as deeply as I can in hopes of scaring away the laughter that is breaking out around me. I stalk back into the litter and take my seat next to Amunet as my Serpent Guards replace the hanging. I take a deep breath and try again.

This time, I do not fall, but the hanging has wrapped itself around my arms, pinning me to the litter. I flail wildly, trying to disentangle myself and the litter rocks precariously.

"My love?" Amunet asks. I can barely hear her over the laughter of those damn humans.

"All is well, my queen!" I say hastily, renewing my efforts. If I can just pull a little harder—

Well, shit.

The laughter is much louder now, and no wonder, as I am now flat on my back with my legs in the air. On the bright side, the hangings have released my arms. On the not-so-bright side, they have also released the litter. I scramble to my feet before my Jaffa—many of whom appear to be having difficulty holding back their laughter—can help me up. Unfortunately, in the process of this, my legs get tangled in the train of my tunic and down I go once more. Who the hell designed my wardrobe, anyway!

Oh yeah. That was me. Damn.

I don't even say anything this time, just glare and return to the litter. Amunet gives me a disapproving look as the Jaffa return the hangings to their proper place.

All right, Apophis. You can do this. You're a goddamn god. A goddamn god. Now that's an interesting expression…No! Bad Apophis! Stay on task—dramatic entrance! Dramatic entrance!

I get to my feet once more and push aside the hangings. Good, good…I start to step out of the litter…

…and collide with one of my Jaffa. Jar'yc? What the hell is he doing there? For the fourth time in as many minutes, I'm on the ground. Goddamnit! Even the Serpent Guards are laughing now. At least I am still possessed of my Godly Glare of Doom™, and one narrowed-eyed scan of the room shuts most of them up. I make a mental note to kill Jar'yc as soon as I have mastered this dramatic entrance and stalk once more into the litter.

Okay. Fourth time's the charm. You can do this—

My hat! Where is my hat! My lovely, mouse-eared hat with the gold flaps and the giant red stone! Noooooo!

"JAR'YC!" I roar. A mailed hand appears through the hangings, clutching my precious headgear. I snatch it away and the hand retreats. Here we go. The hangings part neatly before my imperious fingers. Finally—

Fuck. Just…fuck.

Once again, I am on the floor. My darling, beautiful, magnificent hat has joined the dark side and become tangled in the hangings. It hangs there, red stone mocking me…I'm too sexy for my hat…no, no…my hat's too sexy for me…

I don't even try to get up this time, just lay there and weep as the human slaves and my Jaffa clutch their sides and heave with laughter. Even my queen is giggling. I'm too exhausted to even attempt the Godly Glare of Doom, and even if I did, I know it wouldn't do any good. I have lost all shreds of goodly dignity.