A Will To Live?

I was trying to write a scene for Yume about Seishirou starting to feel emotions after Subaru's Eye incident, inspired by something Lilack said. After a very long conversation with Meia over ICQ, once again, I discover I've written a scene too long for Yume. *sighs*

So, here we go. This is slightly limey, so be warned. And any out-of-characterness Subaru displays can be blamed on the drugs he's on. Thanks go to Meia for some of the dialogue.

Spoilers for books 11/12 of X. That is, if you don't know about the Eye thing, you won't appreciate this.

A Will To Live?

"You did what to my Subaru-kun?"

"It was his Wish," shrugged Fuuma-Kamui.

Seishirou stared at him. Then he turned his back on him and swept out of the room. Inside, he was fuming. Fuuma didn't have any right to even touch his Subaru-kun, let alone seriously injure him.

It was easy enough to track Subaru. He was in the hospital. Of course. He paused for a second at the door, wondering exactly what he was doing here. Eventually, he simply opened it and went inside.

Visiting hours were long over, so he made his way in with the use of a few choice illusions and some memory games. It took him longer to find Subaru's room without being able to ask anyone - he began to suspect the hospital was designed by someone more used to building labyrinths - but he managed, trusting his instincts and the little pull in his mind telling him where Subaru was.

He paused again outside the door. Subaru was still awake.

Subaru looked up as he entered the room. His eye - singular, since the other was covered under a wrapping of bandages - was dark and slightly glassy, either from pain or drugs. It seemed that Fuuma had been telling the truth.

"Seishirou-san," breathed Subaru. He stared up at Seishirou rather like an injured bird would.

"You know, you really didn't have to do that," he said conversationally, indicating Subaru's bandaged eye. "It doesn't bother me."

"Seishirou-san, that's not the point."


Subaru was silent for a moment. "Seishirou-san, why are you even here?"

He shrugged. "I was told you'd been injured. I wanted to know if it was true."

"Well, now you know it was."

"Yes. So, you lost your eye. Do you feel better now?"

"No. Go away."

"Now, really, Subaru-kun--"

"You've avoided me for nine years. Why this sudden urge to talk to me now?"

"I was not 'avoiding' you. I just didn't think there was anything left that we needed to talk about. You aren't the centre of my universe, Subaru-kun."

Subaru stared at him brokenly. "And now we do have something to talk about?"



"Well, your obvious obsession with causing yourself pain to begin with..."

"Do you have some sort of monopoly on causing me pain now, Seishirou-san?"

He didn't bother replying to that one. Obviously Subaru wasn't in the mood for needling.

"Just go away, Seishirou-san. You're the last person I want to see right now."

"No," he said, not really knowing why

"Then..." a few tears slipped from beneath the lashes of his uninjured eye. "Then just hold me. Just for tonight. So I can dream..."

He stared at him. That was completely unexpected.

"Just let me have this moment. Then... you can kill me, if you like."

Now it began to make a little more sense. "No..." said Seishirou. "I don't think I will."

"What?" said Subaru, weakly.

Seishirou turned to walk away.


Seishirou raised an eyebrow at him.


"Why should I?"

"I lost my eye because of you! Doesn't that mean anything?"

"You lost your eye because of YOU. It had nothing to do with me."

Subaru sighed. "It had everything to do with you," he said in a small voice.

"You felt guilty. That's hardly my fault."


"Subaru, stop yelling. Someone is going to come in here," he said, calmly.

Subaru deflated. "Okay," he said, defeatedly. "You can go, then, if that's what you want." Seishirou stared at him. Subaru sounded so...

"Do you ever feel like it's just not worth going on for?"

He remained silent.

"I'm tired, Seishirou-san. Go away."

Tired. That was it. He sounded tired. Tired and fed up with life.

He was beginning to realise that if he left now, Subaru probably wouldn't last the night. He'd just roll under the pillow and allow himself to suffocate. "Subaru-kun, I..."

"I don't want to hear it."

Seishirou took a step forward. "You need a will to live in order to save the world, Subaru-kun."

Subaru didn't reply.

Seishirou gave in. He could do this now, and Subaru would live and he could choose to avoid him or harrass him as necessary. Or he could leave and never see Subaru again.

The choice was obvious.

He walked over to the bed and wrapped his arms around the Sumeragi. He held him tightly for the longest time, eventually feeling Subaru's struggles die down. The Sumeragi sighed, and closed his remaining eye.

Seishirou regarded the young man in his arms appreciatively. Regardless of whether he felt anything for the boy or not, Subaru had always been attractive. As a boy he'd been very cute, but as a young man he was almost devastatingly handsome. He leant over and kissed him. First on the forehead, then on the closed eyelid, then on the nose - and finally on the lips.

Subaru pulled away. "S-S-Seishirou-san..."

"Hush," he murmured, putting a finger over Subaru's lips. "You're dreaming, remember?"


Seishirou kissed him again. With a bit of skillful maneuvering, he managed to get Subaru's mouth to open, and he slipped his tongue between the Sumeragi's lips. Subaru moaned.

So, you really don't hate me, do you Subaru-kun? he thought, amused. He stood up and removed his trenchcoat, draping it over the visitor's chair. Then he moved back to sit on the bed - or, more accurately, on top of Subaru, one leg to either side of his hips, the sheets pushed off to the edge of the bed. Then he began to gently undo the buttons on Subaru's somewhat unflattering hospital nightgown.

"Seishirou-san! What are you..."

Seishirou kissed him to distract him, and continued doing what he was doing. When he finished with that, he quickly removed his own shirt and lay down on top of Subaru, kissing him passionately again.

While Subaru was distracted, he worked a small illusion, like a dreamscape. Now, if anyone came in here, they would only see the real world - Subaru, asleep on the bed. But inside the illusion, Seishirou was teaching Subaru the ways of making love.

~ * ~

Subaru woke the next morning, alone in the bed, tucked in snugly, with no knowledge of how it happened. He sifted through vague memories of the night before...

And sat straight up, blushing bright red.

Next to the bed he found a small bouquet of red roses, and a note. He picked the note up, and read it apprehensively.

// Good morning, Subaru-kun.
// I hope your dream was all you wanted it to be.
// I know you wanted me to kill you, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

"Liar," muttered Subaru.

// Are you ready to live again?
// Sorry I can't stay for the morning, but, you know, there's places to go, people to kill...
// We'll meet again some day. Promise.
// Love, your Seishirou-san.

Subaru screwed the note up and put it in the bin.

He thumped back against the pillows, just before Kamui burst into the room. "Are you okay, Subaru?"

He nodded. "Yes," he said, surprised at himself. "I think I am."

Gentle. That's what it had been. Gentle, and somehow beautiful. Not like the Sakurazukamori at all.

Maybe it had been a dream.

~ END ~

*innocent look*
That was the first thing I've ever written in which the characters do more than plain vanilla kissing. My reputation is ruined.