Disclaimer: I own nothing. Saint Jimmy, his never ending bottle of Vodka, Aislaynn, and Jareth belong to Amanda, my friend who is a fan of Green Day. Ben belongs to Ben
AN: My school recently held a military ball for its ROTC students. So Fallen Archangel Ben and I went for laughs. This is partly based on our exploits partly based on what we brain stormed on after Ben demonstrated to my Commander how to properly do an airplane impression (It's Air Force JROTC or for those who've never heard of it, Air Force Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps). This also has references to Ben's 'Chaos Reigns Over All'
P.S this is part of my humor fic series. It won't make much sense if you haven't read the others yet
Rules of the Mess
-Remain standing until given permission to be seated
-While electing people to go to the grog stand and say "Mr./Ms. President. Point of order" then state the cadet and their infraction
-Non-military guests are exempt from going to the grog.
-Do not clap. Gently bang your spoon against the table if you agree with the charge against the accused cadet.
-When approaching the grog square all corners, report to the president, then salute the grog, pour a cup, do an about face and toast "To the Mess". Then drink the entire contents of the cup without removing it from your lips. Then hold the cup upside down over your head to prove that you did, indeed, drink it all. If you did not drink it all the leftovers will pour over your head and those in attendance will laugh at you
-Usually the first person to drink from the grog is the person who made it.
"Those little plastic stars aren't edible Ben. They're just decorations" Eris said irritated at her charges stupidity. They'd all been invited to the Autobots Military Ball but of course Ben had to mistake the plastic stars for the appetizer. Eris silently thanked whatever higher power there was that somebody had had the foresight to seat them very far away from the candles.
"How was I supposed to know? They looked very tasty" Ben said defensively.
"Maybe the fact that they're made of plastic and are most likely toxic" Hisao said dully.
"Maybe I should take a doom hammer to your--- agh" Ben choked and fell to the ground twitching.
"I told him they were most likely toxic," Hisao said. Eris sighed. This was going to be along night.
Five minutes later the President of the Mess, Optimus (big surprise) was ready to be seated along with his date. He had his arm wrapped around a soviet tank. At the sound of Megatron cranking her (he's a femme again… finally) knuckles Optimus quickly switched and put his arm around her.
Elita, who was sitting next Rad and Alexis, cracked her knuckles. "They'll pay," she hissed. Rad and Alexis stared at her and then scooted a little farther away.
"Everyone may now be seated" Optimus announced into a yellow microphone. Everyone looked at each other. They'd been sitting since right after they'd come through the reception line. So much for military etiquette.
"Ok, let's begin with the Grog history" Optimus said. The rolled their eyes. They didn't care about some old ship captain nickname 'Old Grog' who spiked his men's rations with some really messed up liquor.
"Ok. Any body recommend somebody to be first too the grog?" Optimus asked the Mess.
"Mr. President. Point of order. Sideburn is improperly attired for this occasion" Prowl said standing up.
"I am to properly attired" Sideburn said offended. Then he leaned over and asked Koji in a whisper "What does properly attired mean?"
Koji groaned. "It means dressed appropriately"
"Sideburn is not wearing the proper neck accessory"
"What does that mean?" Sideburn asked.
"You're not wearing a tie" Koji deadpanned.
"But T-Ai's your wife. Why would I be wearing her?" Sideburn asked.
"Am I allowed to make a point of order?" Koji asked Optimus.
"Normally no but considering what Sideburn just said I'll allow it" Optimus said.
"I say Sideburn should have to drink nightshade mixed with hemlock for sheer stupidity," Koji said. A round of spoon banging followed his statement.
"How did you know what was in the grog?" Optimus asked. Koji sweat dropped.
"Who the hell would put herbs that have been used for centuries as deadly poisons?" Koji asked. Optimus pointed at Ben who was still unconscious on the floor.
"You know there's probably a good reason behind the rule that who ever makes the grog drinks from it first" Koji sweat dropped.
"Yeah… Sideburn approach the grog," Optimus said into the yellow microphone. The microphone beeped. "Sparkplug?" He asked.
Yes… you… idiot the microphone wheezed.
"Ok… are there any other Minicons that Ben has turned into random pieces of machinery?" Optimus asked. Loud beeping followed his question.
A particularly loud beep came from a green and white space heater. The woman sitting next to it hit it soundly with her spoon. "Shut up. You're mine until Megatron gets Saint Jimmy back from that stupid space shuttle" she yelled. Her date is looking a little green. "What's wrong with you?" she asks him.
"I thought the grog was water" he said before falling out of his chair and starts to twitch. She laughs at him.
"Who are you?" Optimus asks her.
"I'm Aislaynn," she said standing up with a mocking bow.
"Why are you here?"
"Because your stupid vice-commander has my friend who was turned into a snail by his evil little brat. We hate babysitting so when we get him back we're going to make escargot" Aislaynn smirks.
"No you're not!" Saint Jimmy says turning back into a human.
"Jimmy!" Jetfire looks at him strangely. "I let you sleep in my bed!" he whined.
"I didn't want to! I don't find two robots getting- urp" Red Alert slaps Jimmy off Jetfire's shoulder.
"That was interesting" Koji commented. "Can we poison Sideburn now?"
"Hey, I thought you liked me," Sideburn whimpered doing the puppy dog lip thing.
"Usually yes. But your stupidity has pushed me over the edge tonight. Tomorrow, if you live, all will be forgotten. And, if you die, we'll miss you greatly" Koji said. Spoon tapping followed.
"I feel the love of my comrades and brothers at arms so much right now" Sideburn deadpanned.
Everyone stares at him. "Dude did you just say something witty?" Wedge (who is there for reasons unknown) asked.
"Um… yes?" Sideburn said.
"It's a sign of the apocalypse," somebody muttered.
"Oh never mind. Sideburn drink from the grog, everybody else socialize amongst yourselves" Optimus ordered exasperated.
The music stars up and couples start to dance while Sideburn downs a cup from the grog.
"This has been pretty interesting" Alexis commented as she slow danced with Rad.
"It's ok… Wanna get out of here?" Rad asked. Alexis looked around and shrugged. They grabbed their coats and headed for the parking lot.
"Should we stop them?" Hisao asked as he watched his grandson sneak out with his girlfriend.
"No. I've done my part to protect Koji from evil little harpies. Rad's T-Ai's responsibility" Eris said.
"Ok. Wanna get out of here?" Hisao asked.
"This is getting boring" Blurr said sitting back watching the dancers. "Couldn't something interesting happen for once?" he sighed.
"Oh by the way, Blurr, we sent an invitation to Sideswipe's older brother. He called a few minutes ago. He hits some traffic but he is just about here," Optimus said as he walked by with Megatron toward the dance floor.
"Oh shit!" Blurr hissed as he jumped to his feet and ran for the exit. It opened a second before he reached it.
"Hel-looo" the yellow version of Sideswipe cooed as he cracked his knuckles.
"Shi—" was all Blurr could say before the crazy Mech grabbed him and pulled him out of the room.
"Who was that weird little dude who just grabbed Blurr?" Hot Shot asked.
"That was Sunny. My crazy demented brother who thinks Blurr is an evil bastard who stole his baby brother's affection from him" Sideswipe said dully.
"So is he gonna kill Blurr?" Hot Shot asked.
"Probably" Sideswipe said dully.
"Isn't this where you get overly emotional and fly off the handle or something?" Hot Shot asked.
"Usually yes. But I think somebody spiked my drink" Sideswipe said examining his glass.
"Maybe we should get you back to the base before you start freaking people out" Hot Shot suggested.
"Who cares what you think. You're the crappy replacement for Sunny because the writers wouldn't put him in Armada" Sideswipe said.
"Not true" Hot Shot protested.
"Think about it. You're both yellow, vain, and I call you 'bro' "
"You're mean" Hot Shot said as he ran away crying.
Sideswipe smirked. He needed to drink spiked punch more often. It was fun.
Aislaynn poked her date, Jareth, with her foot. "You still alive?" she asked.
"Slightly" he moaned sitting up.
"Good, cause we've got Saint Jimmy back now so we need to get him to his demonic mistress and their devil spawn before said mistress causes 'bad things' to happen" Aislaynn said.
"Why the hell does an alcoholic, catholic priest have a demonic mistress anyway?" Jareth asked.
"How should I know? Just pick up Jimmy and let's go," she said headed out the door.
"Ok. Can I keep his never ending bottle of Vodka?" Jareth asked as they walked through the parking lot.
"Never ending bottle of vodka? I thought I hid that away for good," Eris said stepping out from behind a tree looking somewhat disheveled.
"Why did you have to hide it away?" Hisao asked following her, looking equally disheveled.
"Ben created it and gave it to Ivan the Terrible. Why do you think that guy was such a jerk all the time? He was an angry drunk," Eris said.
"What were you two doing in the woods?" Jareth asked.
Hisao and Eris glared at him.
"Never mind" he said.
"My Vodka!" Ben screeched diving out of the trees. He snatched the bottle and fluttered back up into the tree.
"Ben. What are you doing up there?" Eris asked barely keeping the annoyance out of her voice.
"I was going to maul Hisao but I followed the wrong couple out" Ben said.
"Which couple did you follow?"
"Let's just say there are some things about Rad and Alexis that I didn't need to know" Ben shuddered.
"Looks like the ball's over" Hisao commented as the group filed out of the building.
"Looks like Elita-1 lost the fight with Megatron" Eris said as the femme sulked off toward the base.
"Damnit! We missed the catfight," Hisao said. Eris glared at him. "Wanna go back into the woods?" he asked to change the subject.
"While our grandson is alone with his girlfriend in there?" Eris asked.
"What have we learned?" Sunstreaker asked the semi conscious Blurr.
"Don't mess with your baby brother" Blurr wheezed.
"Good" Sunstreaker said.
"Hey Sunny?" Sideswipe said opening the door to the storage closet Sunstreaker had dragged Blurr into.
"Yes little brother?" Sunstreaker said with uncharacteristic happiness.
"I think Jetfire spiked my drink" Sideswipe said.
"Really" Sunstreaker grabbed one of rocket launchers he borrowed from Ben and smirked. "This won't take long".
"Did Jetfire really spike your drink?" Blurr asked sitting up.
"Yeah" Sideswipe said.
"Ok. Hey Sunstreaker, save some for me" Blurr called out as he followed after Sunstreaker.
A dark chuckle came from behind Sideswipe. "That was easy enough" Red Alert said stepping out of the shadows. "Thank you for your assistance"
"No problem" Sideswipe said.
"Hehehe. This will teach Jetfire to call my action figures dolls" Red Alert cackled.
"Sure. Just don't spike my punch again," Sideswipe said in an 'out of it' voice. "I'm gonna have a major hangover tomorrow".