Disclaimer: Dean and Sam Winchester do not belong to me.
Author's Note: I've gotten myself abnormally attached to the Winchester boys and in a very short-time span.The character of Dean especially kinda fascinates me (and not just 'cause he's hot, I swear!)
This takes place following "Scarecrow," it's a snapshot of what Dean might have been feeling.It is also my first attempt in this fandom, so I'm still testing the waters so to speak.
I hope you all enjoy it!
I don't know whether to be relieved about today or to mourn it.
The fact that now he's as tied to all this as I am; as Dad is. The fact that there's no hope for him anymore… that normal is becoming an illusion for him, just like for us.
I'm relieved, because I'm human… and I love my brother, I'd never tell the punk that, but I do. I'm selfish and I like having him around, knowing he has my back, knowing that I'm not alone in this.
But then there's Sammy… and what he wanted to be; what he deserved to be.
Someone who doesn't have to disappear in the morning, doesn't have to avoid cops, doesn't have to lie at every turn. Someone who can connect... some one real.
The Big Brother in me wanted that for him. I wanted him to have it all. Hell, why not? If I couldn't and Dad couldn't, let at least one Winchester get it, right? The career, the wife, the kids, the dog, the picket-fence, even a freakin… ugh, a freakin minivan or something, if he wanted— because I want him to be happy. He's Sammy – whether he likes it or not – the baby. That doesn't change just 'cause he happened to grow to Jolly-Green-Giant proportions.
Going to find Dad was just the first step. I could hear the wheels in his mind working—
Step 1) Find Dad…
Step 2) Get revenge…
Step 3) Get back to normal.
And I could feel myself being torn in half… wanting him to go, to be happy; wanting him stay, to be with me. Needing him go, so at least something of my family could live, needing him to stay so that I could live. The Big Brother in me won, though, it always has.
Big-Brother-Dean is practically a separate entity. A very strong one, one forged by fire and seared into my soul with heat.
The Big Brother in me let him go; released him with no strings attached… because he's Sammy and I want him to be happy. Because Sammy believes "Normal" will bring him happiness… because he'll never have "Normal" with me… which means he'll never be happy with me… so I let him go.
And then… he let go…
He realized, accepted… that "Normal" is for others—not for us, not for him; at least not now.
The Big Brother in me mourns his choice, because it signifies the fading of his dreams, the genuine evolution of Sammy to Sam—Sammy would never give up on "Normal." Sam is learning that you have to choose.
The Big Brother in me let him go.
But dammit, I'm not just a big brother—I'm a person too; a person who can't help but rejoice that he chose me, that this time… he came back.