Shuddup Hill 4: The Retard Version
Chapter 1: What the Hell
It all began two years ago, when Henri TownShit moved into Room 302 of North AssFeeld Heights, a crappy apartment building located in a sickeningly little tiny-sized city, north of AssFeeld. Henri was very happy and was beginning to enjoy his new life living alone in this new apartment until five days ago, when something unexplainable had happened. Henri began to wet his bed each night. One other weird thing: He simply just couldn't get out of Room 302.
Two years ago...
"Um... Mister Sonnderland... what the hell do you think you are doing, looking through my suitcases?" Henri asked, as he stared at the Super suspiciously. "Are you trying to steal my stuff?"
"Huh? Who? Me? Ha-ha... um... well, I-I... I... um... I... nothing... ha-ha... I was just trying to see if I can help you to bring up some of your suitcases..." He replied nervously, with a cheesy smile.
"Oh, its okay actually... I can bring the rest of my stuff to the room myself, Mister Sonnderland..." Henri said, as he walked up the stairs clumsily with the five suitcases in his hands.
"Please, call me Crank..." The Super replied. "And its alright... I needed the exercise anyway..."
"But Mister Sonnder... um... I mean, Crank... you don't..."
"Nonsense... Now look Henri, just let the cute guy help you with your suitcases already... now, how many more suitcases do you have left?" Crank asked.
"Huh? Who's the cute guy?" Henri asked, looking around.
"Me, of course." Crank replied proudly.
"Well... in that case, you could help me to carry the remaining 128 suitcases at the bottom of the stairs..." Henri replied.
After huffing and puffing, carrying the 128 suitcases, up the many flights of stairs to the third floor, Crank was practically sweating out like a pig. The Super then throws the final few pieces of the suitcases into the living room of Room 302 before he collapses onto the floor on all four, like a cockroach, as he suffers from the involuntary twitching and cramps in his arms and limbs.
"HEY! Watch it, old freak! Dammit! Those are my stuff you are dealing with..." Henri scowled. He then looked at the pathetic old man lying on the floor. "Um... Crank? Are you alright? Crank?" He asked, when suddenly a look of fear plastered across his face. "OH NO! THE SUPER'S DEAD... HE IS DEAD... THE SUPER IS SO FUCKING DEAD..." Henri said. "This is all my fault..."
"Shut up, you fucking bastard..." Crank shouted. "I'm not yet dead..."
"What shall I do with the body? WHAT SHALL I DO WITH THE FUCKING BODY?" Henri screamed. "Wait! I could pour acid on him to get rid of the body... no... maybe I could chop the body into pieces and serve them as dinner for the everyone... tee-hee... that'll be so cool..."
Crank sweatdrop. "I SAID I'm NOT yet dead, asshole..." Crank shouted.
"Or... or maybe I could just burn this place down, together with the body..." He thinks aloud. "Or maybe..."
"Ouch!" Henri wailed.
"LISTEN TO ME AND SHUT YOUR BLOODY MOUTH UP, YOU IDIOT... I'M RIGHT HERE, ALIVE AND KICKING... I'M NOT YET DEAD, OKAY? YOU SICK BASTARD!" Crank retorted.
Henri gasped. "Oh my god! You are alive? CRANK, you are ALIVE! YOU ARE ALLIIIVVVVEEEEE!" He screamed madly as his arms swings wildly in the air.
Crank sweatdrop. "Stop it, you imbecile... you look stupid..." Crank muttered as he covers his face with his hand and shakes at his head.
"WHAT? What do you mean I LOOK stupid?" Henri scowled.
"Well... stupid as in 'idiot'... 'moron'... 'brainless'... 'retard'... and..." The Super replied.
"SHUT UP, OLD MAN! I'm not stupid! I'M NOT STUPIDDDDDD! Okay? Well, maybe for the retarded and brainless part... (looks over to see Crank staring hard at him)... alright, alright... fine, I'm also an idiot and a moron... but I'M NOT STUPID!" Henri screamed at the Super.
"Yes, you are!" The Super said sarcastically.
"No, I'm not... dammit!" Henri argued.
"Yes... yes... yes!"
"No... no... NO!"
"Oh yeah? Bring it on, old man..." Henri challenged the Super, as he bounces back and forth on the spot, clutching at his fists.
Crank laughed haughtily. "No go, Henri... the apartment lease contract clearly states that Super cannot be beaten up or abused in any way by any of the tenants..."
"Huh? What the-?"
"Ha-ha... I win and you LOSE!" Crank snickered.
"Damn..." Henri grumbled.
"Oh yeah... speaking of apartment lease, why is the rent for this apartment so bloody cheap?" Henri asks.
"Well... um..." The Super began to fluster.
"Oh god! Don't tell me its got something to do with that rumor..." Henri scampered.
"Um... ha-ha... w-what rumor? What the fuck are you talking about?" The Super stammered, as he looked around uneasily.
"You mean you don't know? How can you not know about such things?" Henri said.
"Ha-ha… um… w-what things?" Crank asked, staring stupidly at the ceiling as he played around at his fingers.
"You dumb or something? Haven't you heard? There's this rumor from one of the tenants here... um... wait, let's see... i-its... its something about a guy who used to live here... he suddenly disappeared a few months ago..." Henri asked the old man innocently. "So what's that all about? Is he a magician or something?"
Crank immediately turned pale in the face. "Huh? Um... w-what do you mean?" He choked at his own saliva, as he looked around and feigned ignorance. "Um... Henri, don't just believe in whatever gibberish things you hear from the other tenants here... ha-ha... (gulp) this... uh... this room... um... is p-perfectly perfect... eh, trust me..." He said, looking away nervously.
"Hmm… alright then..." Henri finally relented. "Well, for a moment there, I thought that this room was haunted by ghosts and that a serial killer is on the loose trying to murder the occupants of this apartment building or something..."
"Um... ha-ha... well..." Crank looked around and he acted as though someone was calling him from outside. "I... I-I... I think I hear someone calling me... um... ha-ha... I-I... I'll make my move now... ha-ha... um... BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Crank immediately ran out of the apartment in fright.
Henri stared at the Super as he leaves the room. "Weirdo..." He shrugged as he continues to unpack his stuff.
End of Flashback...
Joey Schrubber slowly got up from his bed as he looks around the bedroom. The walls of the bedroom were covered in vomits. "Huh? What's with this room anyway? The disgusting vomits, the smell, the slimy shit... eeeeeeeeew... I can still see the chunks of meat and vegetables splattered all over the wall? Now that's gross... geez, is the person sick or something? (snickers) HEY! Wait a minute... (looks around the room) this looks like my room..." He told himself.
Joey could no longer stand the disgusting sight in the bedroom any longer. He quickly made his way out of the bedroom and squirms his way down the smelly and slimy-looking, vomit-filled narrow hall to his living room.
The living room was in an even greater mess. Not only were there traces of freshly vomited food all over the entire apartment walls, the unearthly sight of foul smelling wet excretion seeping through the ceiling above him was beginning to make his stomach churn and his bladder burst.
"What the hell is WRONG with this apartment? I mean... it IS my apartment alright, b-but... but what the fuck has happened to it?" Joey grunted. "There's crap, crap and CRAP everywhere... damn fucking cheap apartments!"
Then, all of a sudden, the lights in the apartment started to flicker and a brownish wet stain suddenly appeared out of nowhere on the wall. The disgusting pungent of wet excretion was getting stronger every minute. The excretion stain on the wall soon evolved into a huge brown patch as thick slimy wet excretion begins to seep through its surface, and a big fat purple Teletubby was seen wriggling its tub-of-lard smelly ass through the stained wall. The Teletubby then stumbles and falls to the ground with a thud.
The giggling Teletubby slowly hopped towards Joey.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" He screamed like a girly punkass and fainted.
Henri jerked awake from his dream.
"Woah... what a fucking dream and (He looks down at his pants)... AAAAAAAH! I've wet my pants, again! Shit..." He groaned. Henri looked around his room. The room was back to its original state. No crap. No rubbish. Nothing. And most importantly, there was no freaky Teletubbies.
He immediately got out of his bed for a quick change of pants.
Henri cringes at the very thought of Teletubbies. In fact, he hated the Teletubbies, especially the purple one. Their stupid giggling sounds always make his head hurt bad. Henri always feels that there was something weird and seriously wrong going on behind those childish giggles and fake cheesy smiles of the Teletubbies. With all the information he had gathered through many years of research and confrontation, Henri finally concluded on one thing.
The Teletubbies were gay.
The telephone on his bedside table suddenly rang. Henrie stands limply by his bed, with his pants down, as he stared at the ringing telephone like a complete moron. It basically took a while for the reality to seep into his retarded tiny brain before he realized that his telephone was actually ringing. Henri immediately pulls up his new set of clean pants and buckles it before making a run over to the telephone.
"H-hello?" He answered.
"Hello." The voice replied.
"Yes?" Henri asked.
"Who is this?" The voice continued.
"Hey, you are the one calling, so I should be the one asking you that... so who the fuck are you?" Henri retorted.
"Why don't you tell me yours, and I'll tell you mine?"
"What the hell? Now, look here.. who are you trying to reach, anyway?"
"Oooh... what's that noise?"
"HUH? WHAT? WHAT NOISE? There's NO fucking noise around here... and stop changing the topic, you sick fuck! WHO are you trying to reach?" Henri shouted at the receiver.
"Its popcorn? Right?" The caller asked.
"Like hell, no! Look here buddy, I seriously think you've got the wrong number!" Henri said.
"What? No way..."
"Yeah, I think you do... no worries, dude... it happens ALLLLLL the time..." Henri comforted the caller.
"So, what's with the popcorn? You watching a scary movie?" The caller continued.
"What the-? I TOLD YOU BEFORE... THERE'S NO POPCORN, DAMMIT! NO POPCORN, YOU IDIOT! DON'T YOU EVEN BOTHER LISTENING TO WHAT I'VE SAID?" Henri yelled at the top of his voice.
"I see..." The mysterious caller finally said.
"There you go... now stop bothering me and-"
"So, what's your favorite scary movie?" The caller interrupted.
Henri sweatdrop. "WHAT?"
"Hello? Are you still there?" The bothersome caller asked.
"SHUT UP AND GET A LIFE, LOSER... DAMMIT! I'm gonna hang up..." Henri said.
"WAIT... WAIT... Don't hang up on me, yet!" The mysterious caller screamed.
Henri slammed the receiver back onto the phone.
"Great! Now what?" Henri thought. "Hello?"
"You haven't told me your name yet..." It was the mysterious jackass caller again.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO EAT YOUR OWN SHIT, YOU MORON..." Henri screamed at the receiver disappointingly. "I'm hanging up..."
"YOU HANG UP ON ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL MAKE SURE TO RIP YOUR GUTS OUT AND LET YOU BLEED TO DEATH!" The caller threatened.
"What? Is this a prank?" Henri asked. "Is that you, Crank? This IS so not funny..."
"No, you dimwit... I'm NOT Crank..."
"Okay, fine... have it your way... and since you are at it, I might as well just play along with you..." Henri answered annoyingly, as he rolls his eyes over. "So, why do you want to know my name anyway... Mister-Psychopath? I mean, I'm just a typical, handsome and sexy looking single white male with an attractive bum and..."
"SHUT UP! I just wanna know who I'm looking at..."
Henri gasped. "What did you just say?"
"I SAID, I wanna know who I'm looking at... Sidney..."
"What the hell? I'm not Sidney... dammit!"
"What? Wait, isn't this... the Prescot residence?"
"What the hell are you talking about?" Henri asked.
"Oops... sorry, got the wrong number! BYYEEE!"
The mysterious caller hung up.
"What the hell?"
Henri throws the receiver angrily down at the telephone. "THAT'S IT! NO MORE NUISANCE CALLS FOR ME!" He said to himself as he viciously rips the cord of the telephone out from its socket box. "Ha-ha... that'll teach you psycho-maniacs from calling to... Oh my god! Why didn't I think of that? THE telephone! That's it... I can use it to call out for help and... (glanced back at the telephone)... S-H-I-T! I've ripped the cord off already..." He groaned miserably. "Dammit..."
Henri then heads out into the living room where he still sees the front door tightly chained up from the inside.
(Weird moaning sound…)
"Five days ago... that was when I first wet my bed... Damn... since then, I haven't been able to get out of my apartment... My fucking world has been turned upside down, inside out, and round and round and round... The door's heavily chained up and all the windows are sealed shut... Strange enough, I can still breathe... I wonder where the supply of air is coming from..."
Suddenly, the words "Do Not Go Out, Wolter" appeared on the door.
"What the hell?" Henri exclaimed, as he places his hand on the writing. "Dammit! Its permanent ink! Now Crank's gonna beat the hell out of me for this..."
(Sounds coming from outside the door)
"Eh? What the-?" Henri said to himself as he moves forward to look through the peephole on the door. Outside, along the corridor, was a fairly attractive lady busily stuffing bottles of milk into her grocery bag.
"That's Elyne Craving from next door... and... and... damn, she's stealing my milk... AGAIN!" He fumed. "That bitch!"
Elyne nervously looked around to make sure that her there was nobody around before she stuff the last bottle of Henri's milk into her grocery bag. "Tee-hee... I sure hope that all these milk for my milkbath will change my luck before the party tonight..." She mumbled to herself before walking away to her own apartment.
(Henri bangs on the door)
"HEY! BITCH... LEMME OUT... CAN YOU FUCKING HEAR ME? LEMME OUT AND... WAIT! D-DID YOU JUST SAID SOMETHING ABOUT A PARTY? WHAT PARTY? IS IT FUN? KINKY? DAMN... WHY WASN'T I INVITED?" Henri screamed. "HEY BITCH! ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING? I SAY LEMME OUT, GODAMMIT!"
(Continues to bang at the door)
"Eh? What the fuck is that noise?" Eylne stopped at the last bottle of milk in her hands as she lifted her head up to look around.
"ITS ME... YOU DUMB BROAD... GET ME OUT OF HERE...!" Henri pleaded.
"Oh... ha-ha... its just my stomach growling..." She giggled as she continues to stuff the final bottle of milk into her grocery bag. "Meh... I am so hungry... Guess I'll just pop by UnHappy Burger for a quick bite..." She said as she walks down the corridor.
Just then, Henri felt something slipped under the door and he bends over to pick it up. It was a message with the words "Mommy-dearest... wake up already, dammit!" childishly written on a tiny piece of dirty paper in colorful crayons.
"Fuck... do I look like someone else's mommy?" He shouted angrily. "Damn kids nowadays... can't even differentiate between a man and a woman..."
Henri throws away the piece of paper in disgust as he walked towards the fridge for some snacks. But to his dismay, all that was left in the fridge was a bottle of expired chocolate milk and an empty wine bottle.
Henri slowly walks towards the windows at the far end of the living room, when he noticed some crappy old scrap book sticking out awkwardly from behind the bookcase. "Eh? What is this?" He said to himself as he bends over to pick it up to read at its contents.
"Through the silly Ritual of the Holy Exhumation, he built a wonderland. It exists in a fucking space isolated from the wonderland of our Management. To be more precise, it is either within or without the Management's wonderland and that sucks big time. Unlike the wonderland of our so-called capable Management, it is a funny place in extreme flapdoodle. Explicit broken doors or jagged walls, dancing floors, sexy-looking creatures, a fantasy wonderland only he can play with... any sucker being swallowed up by that wonderland will automatically be granted to migrate over there forever and ever and ever and ever... as an undead. The new immigrants will then gain their exclusive life-long realm membership, absolutely free-of-charge. But how can the wonderland Management allow such rules? I mean, it practically violates all the wonderland practices that we preach... not to mention the possible losses incurred through tax payments..."
"What the hell?" Henri mumbles. "Who the bloody idiot is the author anyway? Everything written in this piece of crap just doesn't make any logical sense... dammit... what a rip-off..."
Henri then disregards the stupid scrap book as he looks through the windows in the living room, staring at a slutty woman with big boobies doing some cheap erotic dancing along the subway entrance. The woman giggled like a retard as she dances provocatively along the stairs when suddenly, she loses her footing when her heels slipped off the edge of the stairs and she falls and rolls down the flight of stairs into the subway station. "What a bitch..." Henri snickered with a snort.
(Heavy loud crashing sound from the bathroom)
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" He shrieked, looking startled. "Shit... I nearly crap in my pants... Dammit! What the bloody hell was that?"
Henri swiftly made his way to the origin of the noise as he enters into the bathroom. To his shocking find, Henri saw a hole in the wall.
"What the hell?" Henri exclaimed. "Oh shit... the Super is so gonna kill me this time and... (his eyes suddenly brightens up)... hey! Maybe this could be my ticket outta this freaky room... WOO-HOO!"
Henri excitedly hopped towards the entrance of the hole to pull out a broken pipe, which was sticking out in an awkward position from the edge of the hole on the chipped off wall, before shoving his big head into the grimy-looking hole.
"Hello? Anybody there?" His voice echoed, as he continues to squeeze himself through the dark and smelly tunnel.
Henri began to crawl along the tunnel. "Meh, this tunnel is damn filthy... I mean, look at all this filthy rubbish in here..." He grumbled as he continues to push himself further into the tunnel when, not long after, he saw a beam of light at the other end of the tunnel.
"Ooh... goody... goody... THE EXIT!" Henri cheered. He could almost feel the taste of freedom. The moron giggled like a girl as he continues down the filthy tunnel towards the light.
"Yes... a little bit more... a little bit more..." He told himself. "Just a little... Huh? What the fuck?" He shouted in disbelieve.
(Making pig-like struggling sounds)
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Fuck! I'M STUCK!" He screamed as he started to hyperventilate.
He struggled hard in the tunnel. "Alright Henri... calm down... there's gotta be a way out of this situation... now, think thin... Henri... think THINNNNNNNNNNNN!" He reassured himself.
Henri kicked and struggled inside the tunnel when suddenly, the light at the end of the tunnel suddenly grew brighter and brighter, until he was totally swallowed by the whites of the light.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MY EYES... MY EYESSSSSSSSSSSSS!" He hissed, as he writhed in agony. "HELP... I'M STUCK IN A FUCKING TUNNEL AND I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE... AND NOW MY EYES HURTS... HEELLLPPPPPPPPP!"
Henri was screaming so much that he fainted from exhaustion.
Henri slowly opens his eyes. He looks around groggily, only to find himself sitting on the steps of a very slow-moving escalator. "What the hell?" He wondered. Henri attempts to stand up when he lost his balance and falls down the moving escalator.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" He cried painfully.
Henri slowly pulls himself up from the floor as he looks around the place. "Holy cow! What the fuck is this place anyway? It looks like the North AssFeeld Subway Station but... where the fuck is everyone?" Henri grumbled as he continues down the empty hall at when he chanced upon a scantily clad woman standing at the far end of the hall, back facing him.
"Helloooo, lady..." He called out. When the woman did not respond, Henri shouted out again. "HEY! YOU THERE... BITCH, I'M CALLING YOU!"
The woman turns around. Henri shrieked, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek..." He screamed before he puked all over himself. The woman was the most hideous-looking piece of crap Henri had ever seen in his life. She had thick bushy eyebrows with tiny sesame seed-sized eyes and she also has a goatee around her big and fat slimy lips.
The woman sweatdrop.
"Oh, stop squirming like a sissy!" She scolded him. "Anyway, who are you? What your name?" She asks.
"Um... H-henri..." He stammered. "And you?"
"What? This is my dream and you don't even know my fucking name?" She said sarcastically. "Its Sinthia."
"What the fuck are you talking about? What dream?" Henri scowled as he stares at her suspiciously. "Are you high on drugs?"
"Oh, shut up Henri..." She said. "Don't you know? This is just a dream... MY dream... and for your fucking information, I'm not a drug-y... asshole... (looks at him) Geez... guess you are not that smart after all, aren't you?"
"Oh yeah? So, you think this is your stupid fucking dream, huh? A dream, is it? A DREAM? A DREAMMMMM?" He rumbled madly as he pulls at his hair.
"Stop it, Henri... you are scaring me..." Sinthia chided. "Anyway, I really wanna get the hell out of this stupid place... but I just can't find the exit... Will you help me to find it?" Sinthia said, as she playfully fondles at his chin.
"Stop that... it tickles!" Henri scolded as he swipes her hand away.
"Alright, fine... so what do you say?" She prompted.
"What?" Henri asked annoyingly.
"Dammit, Henri... I said, will you help me to find the exit?"
"Hmmm..." Henri hummed.
Five minutes later...
"Well?" She asked impatiently.
"WHAT? After all this time, and all you could come out with is 'NO'?" She said angrily.
"You said this IS your dream... your little fantasy, right? So you go look for your fucking exit yourself, bitch..." He said, with his hand shooing her away.
"Arrggghhhh... alright... alright... here's the deal... I'll do a SPECIAL favor for you if you help me out here..." She said, as she runs her fingers suggestively along her sexy neckline.
"Oooh... kinky!" Henri purred.
"Yeah... this necklace of mine is indeed precious... its yours if you could help me out here..."
"What the hell?" Henri almost shouted.
"What do you mean 'what the hell'?" Sinthia asked, as she looks at the weird expression on his face. "DAMMIT HENRI... WERE YOU THINKING OF SOME SEX-EXPLICIT KIND OF REWARD? WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE TO YOU? A WHORE OR SOMETHING?" She said angrily.
"Well... um... ye... I-I... I mean, no... NO... of course not! Eh, trust me... ha-ha..." He faked a cheesy smile.
Sinthia continues to stare at him angrily.
"Alright... alright... let's just go find the exit and get you outta here..." He said, as he rolled his eyes over.
As soon as he had said that, Henri began to walk down the hall with Sinthia following up behind him. The duo continues down the poorly lit hall as they childishly pushed at one another, punching and pinching at each other while screaming and laughing out loudly.
The two hadn't walked far from where they had started when Sinthia suddenly groaned as she stopped abruptly while clutching tightly at her tummy in pain.
"Hey! What the hell is your fucking problem now, bitch?" Henri asked.
"Henri... wait... I-I... I don't feel so good..." She said.
Henri, who had finally sensed the seriousness of the situation, immediately walks over to Sinthia. "Are you alright, Sinthia? I swear that I did not kick you there... really... I swear!" He said.
"No Henri... its not that..." Sinthia replied. "W-wait a minute... Henri, I-I... I think I'm gonna puke..." She reaches for her mouth to cover it with her hand.
"Shut up, bitch... I know I've not been showering this past few days but... honestly, I don't think I smell... at least not that bad, that is... wait... you ARE gonna WHAT?" Henri scowled.
"Henri... I-I... I said... I... I am gonna puke... NOW!" She shouted through her retch as she rests herself onto him for support.
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew... get away from me, bitch... I don't want you to vomit all over me... um... (looks around)... go over to the restroom over there... go... Go... GO!" He screamed as he pointed in the direction of a nearby restroom. Sinthia quickly struggles past him, as she ran madly towards the restroom.
Three hours later...
Henri lazily stood by the wall opposite the restrooms, wondering what was keeping that fucking bitch so long in the restroom. He taps his foot impatiently at the cold cemented floor and whistles.
"Meh... what the hell is that self-obsessed vomiting bitch doing in there? Its been like three hours already..." He thought. "Even with the vomiting out of her guts and all her internal organs wouldn't take that long..." He thought.
(Sounds of door opening)
The door to the men's restroom slowly creaked opens.
"What the-?" He mumbles. Henri slowly walked towards the entrance of the men's restroom for a closer look.
"Sinthia? Is that you? Hurry up and come out now, you fucking bitch... this is SO not funny... you hear me?" Henri suddenly stopped as he stood frozen over his words. "WAIT! If Sinthia had gone into the ladies' restroom just now... then this can't be her..." He debated as he stared at the door with his bloody mouth wide open.
However, before Henri could even finish his conclusion, the door to the men's restroom suddenly swings ajar and something flew out.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Teletubbies, the Movie: Scream, and Silent Hill.
A/N: This parody is specially dedicated to Lack Thereof as a token of appreciation for being such a diehard fan of my previous parody titled 'Psycho Hill 4: The R-o-o-o-o-m'...