This idea got stuck in my head after my brother said "You know what happens when you assume thing." Some things shouldn't be said to me because look what happened. I wrote a fanfiction that cause my brother to spit orange juice all over his dinner when he read it. So I warn you not to have anything in your mouth when you read this and make your assumptions about what's happening.
Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes was calmly walking down the hallway toward his best friend's office, who he shared with his adjutant, intent on showing him new pictures of his darling daughter, Elicia. Not surprising the hallway was completely empty of personnel beside him. They rather not have to deal with a fanatic father at the moment since said man was cooing over a picture of his daughter. Usually Maes would burst into Roy's office without any warning but something in his stomach told him not to. So instead of slamming the door open and throwing pictures all over the place, Maes gently placed his hand on the doorknob and turned it a whole centimeter before completely stopping. There was movement in the office that wasn't synonymous with doing paperwork.
Curious, Maes released the doorknob from his grip and placed his ear against the door making sure not to make a sound. He really couldn't figure out what was going on in the room especially since he knew that there were only two people in it. One of them would be diligently working on her work while the other was most likely asleep. This was why Maes was completely confused to the sounds. It sounded like furniture was being moved, but that would be impossible. Riza found rearranging the office to be a waste of time since all that they'd be doing in it would be sitting at their desks working on paperwork, and she would have stopped Roy in his attempt to avoid his work. But the sounds continued and with Maes's keen sense of hearing, he heard what sounded like talking.
"Colonel, would you quit slacking?" he heard Riza say. "It was your idea to do this, so hurry up and help me move the couch."
"I still say that there's enough room with where the furniture is for us to move around," Roy said straining. He was most likely in the process of moving one of the couches in their office around. Maes heard a soft thud and another one a couple of minutes later indicating they were done moving what was in their hands at that moment. "That should be enough room for us. I'll get the floor ready while you get ready for our little exercise."
The only thought that was going through Maes's head during all of this would be deemed against the rule and would definitely be considered perverted. After a few moments of standing against the door in complete shock, his eyes focused on a hand being waved in front of his face. The hand belonged to that of Second Lieutenant Havoc. Before said man could say a word, he found his head pressed against the door. He tried protesting against the hand on his head but completely stilled when he heard Roy's voice.
"Riza, why do you always get to be on top?"
"Well, you've never been fast enough to pin me down. At this rate, I won't ever be on my back. Besides I think you like having me sit on you like this."
"And I don't think it's fair that you get to wear those while I have to take my gloves off," Roy said after a minute or two. "They might cause some problems for us."
"Your hands do not belong there and don't you even dare squeeze them," Riza said with a bit of anger. "Remove your hands and I'll take these problematic things off."
"But they feel nice and firm."
Havoc looked like he was frozen in time. His eyes had bulged out of their sockets as his mouth was totally unhinged. He didn't even notice the nosebleed he had. His uniform front was almost drenched in his blood. It was nothing but blue fabric with blotches of purple. Maes was almost exactly the same, minus the nosebleed.
"Are they doing what I think they are doing?" Havoc whispered after he finally became conscious.
"That's what it sounds like," Maes whispered back.
"Should we be listening to this?" Havoc stood there staring at Maes. It looked like Maes was actually thinking about it. Normally the man would instantly say something whenever Roy was involved, especially when it pertained to his relationships. He was more than likely contemplating if it was worth getting killed to listen in on the things that were going on. "Well?"
"I'll go get the popcorn," Maes excitedly said. It seems that he chose death, but at least he would go out extremely entertained. The same thought must have gone through Havoc's mind as well because he quickly agreed to listen with Maes. "You get the sodas."
The two of them dashed off to get their appointed items. They returned after about fifteen minutes with the things. Havoc had changed his uniform as well. Most would have thought it was a weird sight to find Maes and Havoc sitting Indian-style against the colonel's office door eating popcorn and drinking. Then again this sort of thing happens too often whenever Maes was involved.
"How long do you think they'll be at it?" Havoc said before stuffing his mouth full of popcorn.
"Probably a couple of hours with the amount of stamina they both have. We should have enough to last until they finish."
So the two of them sat there listening to all that was going on in the office. They had asked a passing alchemist to hollow out the door so that they wouldn't have to sit with their ears pushed against the door. It was already a funny sight with them sitting on the floor so they didn't need to make it worse if there was way to fix the problem. The sounds came through the door a whole lot clearer. They would hear the occasional grunt or moan seep through the door. Most of the time, they would hear a thud or crashing sort of sound. Other times they would hear Roy's foul mouth. As time passed, the two were soon joined by Breda and Falman. Fuery still hadn't made an appearance.
"Not so hard," Riza ordered. "And take your time. Take aim before you carry it through."
"But I thought the point of this wasn't to be soft and to end it as quickly as possible."
"You aren't really tactic, are you?"
Havoc had choked on his soda at their comments. He quickly covered his mouth to muffle any of his coughs so that Roy and Riza didn't hear them. Maes and Falman were gently patting his back to help him out a bit. After a few more coughs, Havoc finally got control over his body. Maes handed him a napkin to clean up his jacket a bit. Falman was blotting the carpet to get some of the soda out. Breda was sitting there contently eating his bowl of popcorn.
"I didn't think Roy was like that," Maes commented. "I would have thought all those women he's been with would have made him extremely experienced in that department."
"You forget that he's dealing with the lieutenant," Breda remarked. "She's not quite like other women."
"No kidding," Havoc added. "I'm surprised that she hasn't shot him yet."
"Not like she would anyway," Falman said. "She cares too much about him to actually pull out her gun on him."
"True," Maes said as he nodded his head in agreement. "But there are other ways that she could hurt him right now."
The four of them went back to listening to their show. Havoc had his cup refilled and the others continued to eat their popcorn. All of them were so engrossed in all that was going on, they didn't pay much attention to the person that squeezed in between Maes and Breda. They all probably thought that it was Fuery. They were all in for a rude awakening. It was Falman who took noticed of the man. He most definitely wasn't the young sergeant. Falman quickly rose to feet and snapped a sharp salute. The others looked at him weirdly until they finally laid eyes on their unexpected audience member. They immediately followed Falman's example.
"Enough of that," Fuhrer King Bradley said as he waved them back onto the ground. They sat down but it was a bit uncomfortable with the grinning fuehrer sitting with them. He seemed extremely happy about what they were doing. "So does anyone want to tell me what's going on with the four of you? And why you all are sitting in front of the colonel's office?"
"Well…we heard some weird noises from his office," Maes began after a few minutes of silence. "And the only ones in there are Colonel Mustang and Lieutenant Hawkeye so…"
"So those two have finally gotten together," Fuhrer Bradley interrupted Maes. "It took them long enough. I guess Grumman and I won the bet. The other higher-ups are going to be so upset about losing."
"Uhh…so the fact he's her superior doesn't bother you? It is against the fraternization rule."
"No, it doesn't bother me. I never really cared for that rule but it's still in place because the others felt that it should still be there. But Lieutenant General Grumman has found a loophole to that rule which was why we were willing to overlook their relationship and place bets."
"Oh," was said by all of them.
So the group now contained the highest ranking officer in the military. Fuhrer Bradley was given his own bowl of popcorn and cup of soda. This was an unexpected turn of events. Another twist was thrown in when Lieutenant General Grumman decided to join the group after a couple of minutes had passed. Now there were six people sitting in front of Colonel Mustang's office eating popcorn and drinking soda: Fuhrer Bradley, General Grumman, and four lower officers. No other officers dared to say something about it.
"Ha, now I've got you," Roy shouted.
"Looks like you've finally got me on my back, sir."
"Why do you insist on calling me that whenever we do this? I'd rather have "Roy" come out of your mouth."
"Sorry, force of habit. So what are you going to now that you've finally got me in this position?"
"I don't know. I can move around more in this position. Maybe I should do this."
"I am not made to bend that way, Colonel!"
"Come on, Riza, scream out my name instead of my rank."
"Maybe I shou-ahh! Hayate, let go!"
"Hayate, don't bite that! You don't know where it's been!"
Coincidently everyone was taking a sip of their drink at that moment. The hallway carpet, as well as every unfortunate passing officer, was now soaked with soda. Those officers would have said something if it wasn't for the fact that Fuhrer Bradley and Grumman were there. Most of the eavesdroppers were clearing their throats at the awkwardness that was settling between them. Mainly, it was because they were feeling a bit embarrassed at what they had just heard. Well, everyone but Havoc. He was having problems different from the others. Instead of spitting out the soda like the other, it had decided to come out of his nose. It left him with a burning sensation.
"Never thought that would happen," Havoc said after a couple of minutes. "I figured that Fuery was walking the dog."
"If Fuery isn't with Hayate, then where is he?" Falman said. "I haven't seen him since lunch."
"He's probably in the office doing his work like we all should be."
"But this is more entertaining."
"If it helps, I'll excuse all of you from today's work," Fuhrer Bradley said. "You'll just have to do it with tomorrow's work."
"Fine by me," they all said.
All of them went back to listening to Roy and Riza. Their drinks had been refilled but none of them were going to take the chance of drinking it in anticipation of what they might hear. During this time, the carpet was being cleaned by the janitors so there were more people to hear the antics of Roy and Riza.
"Does it still hurt?" Riza asked.
"Ow, don't hold it so tight!" Roy yelled back.
"Quit moving so much! I can't look at the injury properly if you keep fidgeting. You act like it's going to fall off."
"Fine!" Roy said, which was quickly accompanied with some muttering about Hayate.
"I can't find anything wrong with it so you can still use it," Riza replied about two minutes later. A soft sigh could be heard through the door. "What's with that look?"
"Aren't you going to give my boo-boo a kiss?"
"Fine. So do you want to continue?"
Maes and the others sat with their hands in their laps. The drinks and bowls of popcorn were sitting neatly on the floor. All of them sat there in silence. Everyone was sporting a nice shade of red on their cheeks. The one on Grumman was extremely bright, probably due to the fact that Riza was his granddaughter. The janitors were blushing as well. They quickly left after finishing their jobs. There weren't any doubts that there were going to be rumors spreading throughout the entire city by the end of the day if the other officers hadn't already done that.
"Ready for the rest of the lesson," Riza said. "Or would you like to go back to doing your paperwork."
"We could do both."
"Right, what are you going to do? Have me sit on your desk while you use one hand to sign them?"
"Yes. That sounds like a good idea."
"No, we'll continue with the lesson since I know you would never choose to do paperwork. Now get in front of me."
"Make sure you have a firm grip. Now slide it in nice and easy."
"Are you sure I should put it in this hole and not the other one?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
There was now a small crowd in the hallway. Armstrong, Ross, Brosh, Haruko, and other officers had joined in. It was sort of a little party. Well, it was actually more of a gathering than a party since there wasn't any music playing and everyone was sober. Maes, Fuhrer Bradley, and Grumman sat against the door. Breda was beside Fuhrer Bradley. Havoc was sitting next to Grumman. Falman was on his other side. The rest sat in front of them with the food and drinks between them. There was no way to get through so the working officers had to take a different route.
"This is so wrong," Grumman said as he shook his head. "To think that's my granddaughter in there."
"We both knew this was bound to happen," Fuhrer Bradley said as he gave Grumman a pat on the back to assure him. "Though I didn't think they would do it in the office."
"That doesn't help."
"Well…I guess you can take that Mustang is going to accept your offer after all."
"You're right. Hopefully, I'll get some great-grandchildren out of this."
The others had taken to being silent. Most likely they were in shock about how casual the two talked about Roy and Riza's love life. Then there was the fact that Riza was Grumman's granddaughter. No one, other than Maes, probably knew of that fact. The offer probably sparked some curiosity but not enough to warrant any of them to ask a question. And finally there was Grumman's comment about children. It shocked them to think of Riza getting pregnant by Roy.
"You're shaking, Roy. Here, let me at least help you get the tip in."
"You said my name."
"You wanted me to say it more often."
"Thanks for your help."
"See, that wasn't so hard."
"Umm…what do I do now?"
"You really are hopeless. Push this in."
"Let's try that again. Pull it all out and then put it back in."
Maes and Havoc were actually snickering. They were laughing at the fact Riza had to tell Roy what to do. Of course they didn't know what was really happening. They had perverted thoughts going through their minds. A different scene was playing in their heads. Sure the others were probably thinking the same thing but they just sat there with either a grin or red cheeks. It was a show that they couldn't tear themselves away from.
"Oh, this is too funny," Havoc said as tears threatened to fall from his eyes. "The great playboy is nervous about what to do with his equipment."
"I can't believe he needed help with it," Maes nearly laughed out. "He's used it enough times. It should be second-natured."
"I can't believe I'm actually here with all of you," Ross said.
"Oh, come on. You enjoy listening to all of this. It's not every day that Roy and Riza actually do anything that isn't paperwork."
"Well…you're right, but it's still inappropriate for us to listen."
"It's inappropriate for them to be doing what they're doing."
"He's got you there, Lieutenant," Brosh said rather loudly.
The next thing they knew, the door swung open. Because Maes, Grumman, and Fuhrer Bradley were sitting against the door, they fell backwards onto the ground. At that moment they had their drinks in their hands so their uniforms became drenched in them. The three of them looked up to find Riza staring down at them. Then she turned to look in the hallway. She saw the food and drinks on the floor. She also came across the others who were trying their best to hide behind Armstrong. He may have been a big man but it was doubtful that he could hide over eight people behind him.
"May I ask what all of you are doing outside our office?" Riza said as calmly as she could. It wouldn't do for her to lose her temper in front of the fuehrer and her grandfather. And it wouldn't do for her to kill everyone. She could probably get away with disposing of Maes but the fuehrer would be a different story. Everyone but Fuhrer Bradley and Grumman looked terrified. Grumman looked embarrassed since he was just caught eavesdropping by his granddaughter. And Fuhrer Bradley was just grinning up at her. He knew that she couldn't do anything to him and that she wouldn't. "By the look of things, it seems you all are having a party."
I see perverted thoughts going through your head. Yeah, I know. They're going through my head too. I still can't believe I wrote this, but it just wouldn't leave my head. You'll find out what really happened in the office in the chapter.