Yes another story from yours truly! -grins- It took me months to write this baby out but I think all the time was worth it! I wrote this for a friend here, Ultra Rodimus, who brought it to attention that there isn't any Optimus/Rodimus stories here! This is for you, thank you for all your prods and making sure I update things! Of course with this out of the way I'm able to really work on Dark Storms too! I've went over this story from start to end and tried to correct all the problems I found but there's probably still some mistakes. There could also be some odd worded sentences- I wrote someof the story while under some heavy stress- so I'll go ahead and apologize for that while I got you! O.o
If you're new to my work you should know that this is YAOI: Meaning MALExMALE pairings. If you don't like this kind of thing I encourage you to hit your back button. Now. Otherwise, please enjoy the fic and leave a review! Thanks and keep an eye out for my other stuff in the next upcoming weeks! Oh and if anything looks off format wise..blame I've already had to edit somethings.. grr..
Colors of the Twilight
Twilight: The diffused light from the sky during the early evening or early morning when the sun is below the horizon and its light is refracted by the earth's atmosphere.
At first Rodimus Prime didn't know where he was, everything was completely enclosed in darkness. Then it hit him like a ton of energon cubes. With a half groan the young leader grabbed the edge of his recharge booth and hosted himself up off the floor. As many times as this had happened he would have thought that he at least knew where he was. With a sigh that made him sound way older then he was Rodimus made his way outside and onto the balcony where he looked out on a silent Autobot City.
It was all practically a routine for Rodimus now. It wouldn't matter how tedious or stressful his day had been, he would still wake up in the middle of the night, always on the floor after being forced to relive those last few moments of Optimus' life. It didn't help to think of anything else before going into his recharge cycle, the nightmares always recurred. Afterwards he always found himself outside gazing at his statue, his mind catching on all the 'what ifs', the stars his only companion. He normally wouldn't go back into recharge either, making his day even longer.
Rodimus leaned against the ledge, his mind in a state of confusion. When Optimus had died and the long months after it, sure he had those nightmares, but they'd pass and he'd have some nights where they passed without an incident. Even then he could understand why he was having that dream to some extent. However now that Optimus was back there hadn't been a night since where he wasn't waking up in the middle of the night. There was something more complex issues lying underneath everything, but for the life of him Rodimus couldn't figure anything out. 'It was also very frustrating' Rodimus thought with a slight grimace. It wasn't like he was upset over the fact that Optimus was back with them, it was the exact opposite in more ways then one.
The more Rodimus thought about it, he had been a lot happier with the elder Prime being back then he had let on. It lightened his workload sure, but more importantly there was someone who he could talk too and have them actually relate to his whole ordeal of having such a role. At least that's what he told himself when he found that he really looked forward to being able to talk with Optimus. That was the reason why he had become so relived to have his presence around once more. However this didn't help him figure out why he was having those dreams like he was. He was supposed to be happy right? Silent as always the stars gave no answer either, leave Rodimus Prime quite alone. He stayed out there for a few more hours trying to sort his mind out only to head back inside with more questions then he had started with.
Optimus opened his optics to the pre dawn's light reaching in his room. It was almost around the time he normally got up, perhaps just a bit earlier then usual, yet something felt odd and not right. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed Optimus pushed himself up and made his way across the familiar quarters and towards the window. He knew there wasn't anything wrong that would have concerned the Decepticons, he would have already been quite aware of the fact. Despite this, there still wasn't something right, he could sense it. That in itself worried Optimus and made him a bit uneasy. It also made him more aware of his surroundings, his optics on the look out trying to spot something, anything, out of place this early in the morning. Just then he caught sight of Rodimus walking back inside.
That certainly wasn't something that Optimus would personally call normal, especially with Rodimus. Both of them had experienced a pretty long day yesterday and he was surprised he was up at all, let alone outside. So, that left the question of why he was up. There was no overlooking the look of frustration and confusion on Rodimus' face so Optimus knew that it wasn't exactly a light matter with the younger Prime. They had known one another long enough now that Optimus could pick up on his body language pretty well. There was also something about the slow, down beat was Rodimus carried himself made Optimus worry a bit more. It also made him wonder just how much sleep he had gotten as well.
Optimus shook his head a bit at all the concern and worriment he was currently feeling. It had been like that for awhile now, however it had only been recently that Optimus had finally admitted, at least to himself, that he carried feelings for Rodimus that went well beyond that of a friend. Of course, Optimus was a pretty private mech and kept that little bit of information to himself, unsure if Rodimus felt the same way. However in the same token there wasn't anything to prove him wrong either. That was how things went sometimes he supposed, however that didn't mean he had to like it. He would just have to wait on Rodimus.
The sound of the door snapping open quickly brought Optimus back down to Earth so to speak. He was only a bit startled to notice that his musings had led him to his desk. There was no need for concern as to who had just waltzed in without any warning, there was only one Autobot who did that, and even worse in the early morning. Indeed when his City Commander walked fully into the room he wasn't surprised.
Setting aside his concerns for Rodimus for the moment, Optimus fixed Ultra Magnus with a suspicious look. Generally he wasn't up and moving around for another hour from now. Even then, Magnus wasn't what Optimus would call an early morning mech. Yet here he was, standing in front of him and he didn't look that annoyed or grumpy as he usually would have been.
"Don't worry, Grimlock got the worst of it." Magnus replied with a slight smile as he answered Optimus' unasked question. He didn't look too guilty either.
"I see. So what brings you in here?" Optimus slightly shook his head and felt a bit of sympathetic for the poor Dinobot just then.
"Just delivering that incident report you wanted from the other day." Magnus replied as he dropped a folder full of countless papers onto the desk.
Optimus' optics narrowed as he looked through Magnus' papers. The Predicons had attacked some of the Middle East's oil fields while the rest of the Decepticons had gone on a destructive spree in the United States. It was a surprising move for them, especially seeing who they had for a leader. Currently the Protecto bots were in the US while the Airelbots kept a quite eye on the Middle East. It was bad enough Galvatron insisted on this reckless war but the humans had never had a say in being pulled into the middle of it all, of having their fragile lives being put into jeopardy of being crushed due to their fighting. However things like this were expected of any way, it was what war was all about. Still the Autobots did all they could to keep the humans protected.
"Keep an optic out for any more odd stuff from the Decepticons, no doubt they'll be up to something else again soon." Optimus finally said after putting the papers back down. He didn't like this, not a bit.
"We're on it, don't worry." Magnus replied firmly as he left Optimus' office.
Optimus sighed a bit as he shifted papers around on his desk to attempt to put them in some sort of order. Metroplex, it seemed, was forever being upgraded or repaired now a days. Most of it was still recovery work from the last battle in the Great War. However he felt glad though that everyone was making sure that everything that needed to be done was indeed getting done. Optimus stifled a slight groan as he came upon yet another one of Magnus' detailed looking reports. Picking it up he allowed just one more sigh to over take him before starting to read. It was just going to be one of those days.
Magnus made his way down the empty hallway. Like Rodimus and Optimus, he too had a busy schedule that required one to be up pretty early. Lucky for him he was quite used to the hours now and he didn't complain much. However that still didn't make him a morning mech at all and the others knew it. It was all part of the job that both the Primes had entrusted with though; it wasn't like the solider was going to start complaining about it now. He knew he had a job to do and he did it well. It was as simple as that.
Magnus broke away from his rambled thoughts when he reached Rodimus' quarters. He needed to see the report as well, however Magnus knew of his recharge pattern better then just about everyone else and knew that more then likely he wouldn't be looking forward to seeing him walk through that door. There was also that little fact that Rodimus was as much as a morning mech as he was and the leader's aversion to lengthy reports wasn't going to make it any better.
Knowing that the door was unlocked Magnus pushed the chime and waited for the door to slide open; when it did so he tossed in a data pad of the report. The startled yelp of protest told him that Rodimus was indeed up and at least some where near his desk. Picking up his pace ever so slightly, in case the younger leader decided to give him a piece of his mind, Magnus allowed himself a slight smile. Even though he knew Rodimus would probably have his head for this later it didn't bother him too much at the moment. 'At least', Magnus thought, 'Autobot City was never too dull or quite anymore.' Besides, the rest of the day was going to be flat out routine after routine so Magnus wasn't about to simply over look a chance to hassle Rodimus, if only a little.
Optimus raised an optic as he heard a Rodimus yelp. No doubt Magnus had done something or another to the younger Prime. He shook his head a little and tried to go back to the report only to find that he couldn't. More then likely it was nothing...but then again there was no telling. Deciding he needed a break anyways Optimus stood up and made his way out into the hall. Rodimus' quarters were only a few doors down from his own; he had bluntly refused even the slightest notion of using Optimus' quarters. He supposed it was in some ways a sort of twisted flattery; yet sometimes he got the impression that Rodimus had difficulties accepting the past. Any more dwellings on that subject were quickly interrupted with Rodimus' door snapping open just then.
"Magnus if that's another report you'd better come in here or I swear to Primus..." Rodimus' voice sounded quite annoyed and in the undertones Optimus picked up on the tiredness.
However he really didn't have much time to ponder that motion as an object came flying at his head. Thankful for the quick reflexes that had been toned with years of experience Optimus ducked and looked behind him. Upon closer inspection he saw that it was a data pad for something. Feeling one of his optics twitch slightly as he picked it up he could only wonder just what in the world Magnus had managed to do this time to annoy Rodimus to get him to the point of throwing things.
Then again...perhaps it was better if he didn't know.
Cautiously Optimus walked into Rodimus' quarters, wary of anymore flying objects. The dim lights told him that Rodimus hadn't really gotten down to any real work just yet. More then likely he had been getting in a few more minutes to himself before officially beginning the day. Optimus couldn't really blame him for that; the minute they walked out of their offices things were just about non stop. He held up the data pad in the air a bit.
"Lose anything by any chance?" He couldn't mask any of the amusement out of his voice.
Rodimus looked surprised and startled as Optimus had walked in and for a second he was speechless. Then he grinned and chuckled a bit for a moment.
"I thought you were Magnus, sorry about that Optimus."
"I probably don't want to know." Optimus replied humorously as he sat the small data pad on the desk.
"Hey! He threw first!" Came the quick retort.
Optimus smiled a bit behind his face plate though it didn't stay there very well. Even though he was sitting there with a playful grin on his face, Optimus could still pick up on the tiredness in his voice. He could see it as well, but he knew what to look for so it might not have been that obvious to others. One thing was clear though, Rodimus was under some heavy strain at the moment.
"Are you alright Rodimus?" It might have been one of the more blunter ways to phrase the question but Optimus knew that neither of them would really appreciate playing 'beat around the bush'.
"W-what me? I'm fine, really. My sleep cycle is just going through some...changes. Nothing to get worried about Optimus." The question had seemed to catch him a bit off guard and the critical look Optimus was giving him just then wasn't exactly helping matters any.
Optimus wasn't buying it, that much Rodimus could tell. Thankfully though, the elder Prime wasn't going to push him on it. At least, not for now at any rate. He leaned heavily against his chair after Optimus had left feeling even more exhausted. Placing a hand over his optics he let out a groan, his mind nothing but a shamble of emotions. It was ironic that it was Optimus who was concerned and worried for him, when he was the very source of a lot of it.
That didn't really make much sense either. Rodimus, as of yet, hadn't even begun to figure out why he was still so bent out of shape over him. There was no real reason for it all; Optimus was back and quite well. Despite that, it still didn't keep him out of his thoughts during the day and in his dreams at night. Really, if he was honest with himself that part he didn't mind. The frustrating part was not understanding why.
Rodimus dwelt on it for a few more minutes. Was it normal not to understand one's feelings? Maybe it was just him being under way too much pressure to do too many things, however he kind of doubted it'd be something that simple. There was something he just wasn't seeing and it had to do with Optimus. He realized that he held feelings for Optimus that were stronger then that of a friend. However he was also pretty sure that Optimus wasn't interested, he had accepted that little fact awhile back. So it all lead him back to the question of why.
Rodimus' optics fell upon the data pad that Magnus had kindly thrown at him earlier. No doubt it'd be lengthy as he knew that City Commander was pretty detailed when it came to his reports. Dwelling on dreams and other personal matters weren't going to help him get through it either. With a grimace he picked up the pad and started to read. He hadn't gotten very far when sirens started to blare out through out Metroplex.
Grumbling to himself all the way, Rodimus quickly was up and moving out of his office to see what antics the Decepticons were up to this go around.
Three hours later the Autobots made their way back inside the city after successfully stopping Galvatron from completely destroying a city and making off with any resources that could possibly be converted into Energon. Optimus hated to even think just what the Decepticons would have done with the extra resources, especially when he knew that the main chain of command had been born of Unicorn. His attention was quickly deterred as he caught sight of Rodimus. If he had thought that the young leader looked tired earlier this morning then he was flat out drained this afternoon. Whatever was wrong with Rodimus it needed to solved soon before he got hurt- or worse. While he was holding own against whatever it was, Optimus knew that he couldn't last much longer. After all, there was only so much one could handle alone.
The elder Prime was quickly brought out of his thoughts as he noticed that Rodimus and Magnus were in yet another fight. No doubt it had to do with Magnus' stunt this morning with the data pad, there was no way Rodimus would have let that one slip his attention, no matter what was on his mind. The two went into Magnus' office then, still trading words that if Optimus hadn't known them both so well he would have been surprised. Of course, their antics didn't go unnoticed by the others either but they were amused so there was no harm done so to speak.
"Primus they act like Spike and Carley sometimes." Springer said with a smirk.
"At least they keep it all in there; those two almost have the worst tempers of us all." Jazz replied with a laugh.
"I swear we'll be seeing wedding invites for those two, just wait!"
Springer and Jazz were practically howling with laughter as the continued down the hallway. However for Optimus, he just stood there, his mind thinking over that 'innocent' comment. Was there something between Rodimus and Magnus? He had forgotten how close the two were, he knew that Rodimus had depended greatly on Magnus when he first started as a leader so it wouldn't have been too surprising if somehow feelings had managed to grow between the two. He slightly grimaced, as if he needed anymore reminders of how little he knew about Rodimus. Of course there was nothing he could do if Rodimus was happy with someone else, Optimus wasn't about to ruin anyone's relationship. That was the thing though, Rodimus didn't seem that happy or anything otherwise, leaving Optimus back at being very concerned and not knowing what was up with the other. Not exactly being a mech who liked to be left in the dark Optimus resolved to speak with Magnus when it was possible. At least then he would then hopefully get some answers.
Magnus watched as Rodimus practically collapsed into the chair across his desk. Despite the fact that the younger Prime had just been giving him hell over this morning, he could tell that Rodimus looked pretty drained, even for someone of his rank.
"You look like hell Rodimus." Magnus said bluntly, giving his leader a concerned look.
"Thanks for the compliment Mags." Rodimus retorted with more then a bit of sarcasm in his voice.
"Least you're easy to please. So what's up? It's not like you to get like this and you know it." Magnus replied patiently.
"...I've been trying figure myself out I guess. So I can't really say I know what's up really." Rodimus sighed and leaned back in his chair.
"You're not sleeping well again either." Magnus pointed out but it was also an unasked question.
"Nothing's changed at all Magnus! I keep having the same dreams and have the same questions and I still don't understand a damn thing!" It had all came out in a rush but Rodimus felt somewhat better now that he had gotten it out to someone.
Magnus sat there and thought a minute. Some how he really wasn't surprised over what was upsetting Rodimus. He always did seem to have a bit of an issue with accepting the past. Although Magnus also knew that this concerned the present as well for not only Rodimus but Optimus as well. While there wasn't much he could do himself the least he could do was listen to Rodimus. Primus knew he needed at least that.
"So what has Optimus said over this?" Magnus inquired.
"Don't you think it might be a bit helpful if you did?" Magnus fought against the urge to shake his head, sometimes Rodimus could be so stubborn it wasn't even funny.
"And just what am I supposed to say? That I've been seeing him in my dreams non-stop and that I can't stop thinking about him? Some how I don't think he'd really want to hear something like that Magnus." Rodimus snapped irritably.
"You'd be surprised Rodimus. At any rate, he deserves to know about you're feelings for him anyways." Magnus replied in an even tone, understanding that Rodimus had only snapped at him due to being tired and stressed.
"...I didn't say anything about having feelings for him..."
"No but it's pretty damn obvious."
Rodimus mulled over that as an option. It seemed simple in theory true but in actual reality? There of course would be that fear of rejection, that much was for everyone when it concerned feelings and emotions. He didn't really have much faith that Optimus would even want to hear anything like that coming from him either. In all it was a pretty nerve racking move that he wasn't up to making. Usually he of all mechs had no problem speaking his mind, however this time it was different, it concerned his inner feelings; something he wasn't keen on sharing with many people. The turmoil he was feeling must have been expressed on his face quite plainly for Magnus gave a slight chuckle.
"Optimus is a pretty patient guy Roddi; you should give it a try. What have you got to lose besides a blow to the ego?"
"Thanks...I think." Rodimus gave Magnus a slight look before standing up.
Rodimus frowned slightly as he left Magnus' office. While he felt better having being able to speak of his problems he still didn't really know what to do. Magnus did have a point though, he should at least talk with Optimus, after all he was worried over him already. However he didn't really know how to talk with him over it. He sighed as he practically dragged himself into his quarters. It seemed like all his problems had all of a sudden multiplied and he wasn't really sure he could handle them all on his own anymore.
For the third time in an hour's worth of time Optimus found his mind else where instead of on the report in front of him and for the third time had to scroll back up to the page's beginning. It wouldn't have been that bad had it not been for the fact that he was only on the first page. Needless to say he wasn't exactly getting much done at the moment. It wasn't like he was doing this on purpose however it just seemed that his mind refused to switch gears from the whole Rodimus/Magnus issue to his work. He would have dropped the subject completely; however that apparently wasn't an option either. After all he was just that kind of mech that at times needed to know just what was going on. He couldn't tell if this was an instincts thing or just many years of leadership. At any rate, he mildly grumbled to himself, it was quite clear that he wasn't going to get anything done until he at least talked with Magnus or Rodimus.
Recalling how Rodimus has been like earlier, Magnus looked like his best bet to get any straight answers from. Provided, of course, that the City Commander didn't throttle him for his lack of work for the day. Then again none of this was really any of his business what went on between the two; he respected everyone's personal boundaries. However his concern for Rodimus overrode everything else. Glancing at the digital clock he knew that Magnus was still in his office. He'd be in there for another hour still, either reading or writing a report. Sometimes it really paid off to know the others' schedule. Finally coming to a decision Optimus got up to his feet and made his way out of the office.
Magnus felt one of his optics twitch as he watched Optimus walk in. He could tell the leader wanted to talk about something important and he wouldn't be too surprised if it turned out to be about Rodimus either. It wasn't like he minded the distraction either, seeing how he was supposed to be reading the extremely lengthy report sent in from Preceptor. He just found it amusing that both Primes had come to him in a time frame of thirty minutes. He shook his head a little as Optimus sat down and raised an optic at him.
"You missed Roddi by about thirty minutes Prime." Magnus said as a way to explain himself.
Something flashed for a second in Optimus' optics, causing Magnus to frown slightly. While Optimus was fair and a wonderful leader he didn't usually let others see exactly how he was feeling; he always looked composed and ready for anything. Of course, Magnus had known him for a long time and knew that something just wasn't setting right with the elder Prime. Whatever it was, Magnus knew that it had to of happened recently as Optimus hadn't been like this earlier in the morning.
"Something wrong?" Magnus inquired, a puzzled frown on his face.
"...Is there something between you and Rodimus?" It was blunter then what he normally was but he knew that either of them wouldn't appreciate dragging it out, they both had known each other too long for that. It still didn't help him feeling vaguely uncomfortable though.
Which was why he become genuinely concerned when Magnus burst out laughing.
"Is that why you're acting so serious? Of course I'm not with Rodimus." Magnus felt his optic twitch again all the same though.
Optimus couldn't help but feel slightly relived with that bit of news. Magnus would probably never let him live this down but it had been one of those need to know issues for him. Still, he could strangle Springer for leading him on such a wild goose chase in the first place.
"Though you might want to talk to him yourself Optimus, you never know what might come from it." Magnus replied with a slight smirk.
"I'll keep that in mind." Optimus raised an optic yet again at his City Commander. Sometimes he really worried him.
"While you do that, mind telling me what in the name of Primus made you think there was something going on between Rodimus and me? That kid just isn't my type."
"He's not that young Magnus. It was just something that Springer had mentioned earlier." Optimus gave Magnus a bit of a look.
"Is that a fact? I'll have to have a word with him then."
By the look on Magnus' face at the moment Optimus doubted that it was just going to be talking going on between them. He stood up, knowing that he should talk things over with Rodimus now. If anything he'd be able to find out just what was upsetting him so badly. Or everything could backfire and blow up in his face. Either way, Optimus was willing to take a chance. After all, he was never one to enjoy those 'what if' games.
"Thanks for the help Magnus." Optimus replied before leaving the City Commander's office.
Magnus shook his head for a moment. Sometimes those two made him wonder just how in the world they became Primes in the first place. He figured sooner or later he'd have to put in a couch for them if this kept up. Despite that, he wished Optimus the best of luck. Hopefully he'd be able to help Rodimus through his problems where no one else could. The Autobots needed both of their leaders in top shape after all. On that note Magnus himself left his office. Reports or no reports he needed to set a certain triple changer right before he caused anymore problems.
Rodimus had retired to his quarters after his talk with Magnus. While talking with him had helped, at the same time it brought up more confusion. He knew that it was best to talk with Optimus. However it was just one of those rare occasions that he didn't know how to breach a subject. He wanted to tell Optimus how he felt, however certain past events made him feel like he had no right to. His conflicted and deeply buried secretes were probably the main reason why he was having those dreams again. During his musings a familiar voice broke into his jumbled thoughts. Finally registering the intrusion Rodimus glanced up from where he had perched on his desk. He was somewhat annoyed that someone had managed to walk into his office without his realization. Of course this also killed whatever balance he had, seeing how Rodimus wasn't exactly the most graceful of the Autobots. Already he was tilting and was starting to fall when he was suddenly caught into a strong embrace of sorts. Rodimus didn't think it could have gotten any worse, that is, until he noticed just who was currently holding him.
"Ah...Optimus, anything I can, uh, help you with?" The elder Prime had yet to release his hold on him and it was leaving Rodimus just a bit flustered.
Optimus raised an optic as he looked down at Rodimus. He could feel just how tense he was in his arms. Stepping back Optimus made sure Rodimus was firmly on the ground before he let go. Though he wasn't trying to invade Rodimus' personal space he had been reluctant to watch Rodimus 'face plant', as Daniel would say, to the ground. He also ignored the reluctance he had felt on releasing Rodimus and tried to get to the task at hand.
"Actually, I wanted to talk with you." Optimus replied.
"Again? I already told you, I'm fine." He waved a hand as if he was waving off the matter; trying to act as if nothing was wrong.
He didn't expect Optimus to buy it and one look at the other plainly told him that he hadn't. Rodimus doubted that Optimus even realized just how bad he had flustered him just now. Primus, it was going to take him forever to forget the feeling of his arms embracing him and the way he had felt so safe and completed. Not wanting his mind to linger anymore on the matter, he turned away and walked outside onto the small balcony. During all this he also somehow managed to forget about Optimus being there as well. However he was quickly reminded when he felt himself being turned around and had to meet Optimus' optics.
"No you're not Rodimus; I can't help you if you won't let me." He said the last part gently; however he hadn't released his grip on Rodimus' arms.
There wasn't going to be any running away this time.
That much at least was clear. However that was it, everything else was complex and Rodimus just didn't know where to start. He knew that Optimus wasn't about to leave, not until he got some answers. It was too difficult enough to find answers for himself, even more so to tell them to Optimus. So much involved the other however he wasn't sure he wanted to leave everything suddenly out in the open. Out of habit he felt his optics glance over to the left where the statue of a certain Autobot stood. He wasn't sure why but he always did so when he dwelled over important matters.
Optimus frowned behind his face plate. Due to the bond they shared with the Matrix he could easily pick up on Rodimus' frustration and conflicted feelings. Noticing that Rodimus seemed to be glancing at something he let his own optics follow only to find that he was looking at himself, only in a different form. Turning back to Rodimus, certain things finally clicked. Having dealt with it himself, Optimus knew how difficult it was to deal with the death of a dear one, let alone move on. Having suddenly being placed in a leadership role and having to learn it as he went, Optimus doubted that Rodimus has been able to completely accept his death and truly move on. It didn't matter he was back, the emotions were still there and more then likely they had become conflicted, an ever going cycle of pain, grief and confusion.
Throwing any caution that he had left to the wind, Optimus brought up one of his hands and gently caressed Rodimus' face. He watched as surprise and shock flashed in the other's optics. Optimus slightly frowned as he felt Rodimus' body stiffen and he could see that he was quite tense. Had he made a mistake? Or perhaps he was just moving things too fast for Rodimus? He couldn't be sure; Rodimus wasn't saying anything and wasn't looking him in the optic.
"It's alright Rodimus, you can trust me." Optimus said softly, trying to get him to relax.
"It has nothing to do with trust!" Rodimus snapped quickly.
He looked away as Optimus gave him a slightly startled look. Up until now he had been silent, mostly due to the shock. 'At least I'm not freaking out yet 'Rodimus thought. His stress level, however, was another story entirely. He had never really been intimate with anyone, so the whole experience of being in Optimus' arms was leaving him numb and quite startled. He also should have been annoyed right now as well, seeing how Optimus not only wouldn't be deterred but he was well beyond Rodimus' personal space. Oddly though there was nothing of the sort. If the circumstances were different he might have possibly enjoyed the embrace.
Truth be told, he wanted to tell Optimus everything. The words seemed to be on the tip of his tongue, so to speak, but he couldn't say anything. He wasn't sure what level Optimus was coming from on this. A friend? Or perhaps as a concerned leader? The situation was bad enough without him making it worse by misunderstanding everything. Then again, Optimus was the one who had his arms around him and not vice versa. That alone seemed to go beyond anything a leader was expected to do. He wanted to tell himself that Optimus was just doing this as a friend but he knew it was impossible. The feelings, hell even the atmosphere, around them seemed to be different.
He was happy with this moment however it was short lived. Suddenly he felt as though his plaguing nightmares had finally returned to long forgotten reality and started a harsh assault on his mind. If he..if he had been stronger then maybe..maybe things would have been different! He might have been able to hold off Megatron. Optimus would have stayed alive and the Matrix wouldn't have been passed. Optimus could have taken care of Unicron, probably a lot better then he did. The Autobots wouldn't have been thrown into adjusting to him… Rodimus had caused everyone, particularly Optimus and Magnus, a lot of grief.
He didn't deserve Optimus in any shape or form, not after that.
Optimus almost didn't catch it, Rodimus' voice was very low and he was mumbling, but he still managed to catch some words. The words that mattered anyways. He could feel his spark twist up as the final piece of the puzzle clicked into place. Rodimus had placed himself under enormous guilt and pressure due to his own feelings. He didn't say anything to him or Magnus to keep from worrying them and Optimus suspected that Rodimus wasn't getting the best of it trying to understand his own feelings. It was too much for one to bear alone and now that he finally understood Optimus could feel the depth of Rodimus' feelings through the Matrix, for the first time, clearly.
Words failed Optimus just then, though there was so much he wanted to say. Instead he gently pulled Rodimus into a strong embrace and just held him. It was all he could do until he opened up to him; everything was up to Rodimus now. Optimus couldn't risk going any further without risking doing damage. Gently, and with a slight bit of caution, he rubbed the back of Rodimus' shoulders and felt him start to relax against his touch. Optimus wasn't aware of how much time had passed but it didn't matter at the moment. It didn't matter how long it took, he would wait for Rodimus.
Realizing then though that he was probably moving things too fast again Optimus let go of his embrace of Rodimus and took a step back, giving the other a bit of space. Catching the younger Prime's gaze Optimus could tell that he was trying to sort everything out still. This was the most important step for Rodimus if he ever wanted to truly recover, no matter how difficult it was. Despite the fact that he was known to rush head long into things, this time was going to be different. It was too important, too precious to them both for it to be any other way.
"You know, that day wouldn't have been any different, even if you hadn't of been there." Optimus started quietly, deciding to start from the very beginning of it all.
"If I hadn't have been there you would have a clear shot and wouldn't have gotten shot like you did! It was my fault damn it!" Rodimus sputtered and finally started to lose his temper.
"No, it wasn't. If anything you merely changed how the events took place. Megatron would have still shot and I would have still died from the wounds of that day." Optimus replied firmly.
Rodimus frowned and was about to argue that when he recalled something from that day.
Optimus had finally disarmed Megatron and was about to put an end to the tyrant when the pile of slag begged for mercy. Megatron of all transformers. It wouldn't have mattered though; Optimus would have never shot a being begging for mercy. Of course then Megatron had started for his own weapon without letting on to what the Decepticon was doing. He probably would have gotten away with it but then he had jumped it…
Optimus was right, he realized with a jolt. If anything, he helped make sure that Megatron was finally defeated. Rodimus felt stunned and realized that Optimus was watching his reaction.
"They say that when someone witnesses something very traumatic that they forget the moment before the fact and sometimes afterwards. It's an instinctive way of the mind protecting itself." Optimus said after a moment.
Rodimus found that he couldn't say anything to this. He tried to think back to that day and saw that what Optimus was saying was true. He could vividly recall seeing Optimus fall but then it was a haze in his mind. The next thing he could clearly remember was the passing of the Matrix to Ultra Magnus. He realized that there was a lot of that day he couldn't recall, though he had thought, had been so sure, that he would have never been able to forget even a second of it.
"Even though you feel responsible for those events, you still have to let go Rodimus. While it's true we handle things differently, you are still a true leader of the Autobots. That is why you could open the Matrix, that is why things have come this far. If you hadn't of been there, if you hadn't fought for your fellow Autobots, then who knows what could have happened." Optimus said in a firm yet gentle tone. Hearing those words seemed to lift an invisible weight off Rodimus' chest just then.
He could finally and honestly accept who he was.
"Thanks Optimus. I guess you're right, I need to cut back more." For the first time in weeks he had that mischief grin on his face and his optics seemed brighter.
Feeling bold Rodimus closed the space between him and Optimus once more. Reaching up gently he removed Optimus' facemask and pulled him into a spark flying kiss. The electricity that he felt was unreal but at the same time he couldn't get enough of it. 'Slag this playing cat and mouse game' Rodimus thought. He had spent far too long keeping emotions to himself. By this time Optimus had gotten over his own shock and was kissing back with a fierceness that he thought was only there when fighting. The intensity of it all was almost overwhelming. When they parted Rodimus gave his lover a grin as he let his hand explore Optimus' face a little.
"Well you did want me to express myself more." Rodimus tried to look innocent but failed as he let out a snicker.
"Indeed I did." Optimus chuckled and caught Rodimus' hand, gently kissing it.
Rodimus raised an optic in suspicion as Optimus suddenly got a mischief look of his own on his face. Without warning he easily swept Rodimus into his arms and headed back inside. For the most part, Rodimus seemed amused by this and set to trying to distract by nipping his neck in certain places, enjoying the reaction he got from the other. He then laughed as his new lover tried to give him a stern look As they laid down on Rodimus recharge 'bed' Rodimus pulled Optimus into one of many kisses that the two were sure to share that night and through out life. Somehow he didn't expect any nightmares to come his way anymore. He felt complete now with Optimus and his feelings had finally been put into its proper place.
The cycle was finally broken.