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Something About Those Pants
Harry Potter sighed frustrated at both himself and his snowy white owl Hedwig. Her continuous screeching made it too hard for Harry to continue. He switched off the torch, pulled up his pants and climbed out from under the sheets. He walked over to her cage and started to stroke her head.
"Now Hedwig, you know I'm not allowed to let you out. If Uncle Vernon ever caught us at it again…" She screeched her reply and moved to the other side of the cage to sulk.
Fed up, Harry decided to go downstairs. As he walked in to the kitchen his rather obese cousin, Dudley gave him a shove in the back. Harry noticed his Aunt Petunia frantically cooking food and icing a four-layer sponge cake. Harry moved through into the living room where Uncle Vernon was fixing his tie.
"Everyone! Come here!" he yelled in his deep tone. Aunt Petunia and Dudley came running in also adjusting their clothes.
"Now," said Uncle Vernon looking around at them all. "We are having some very important visitors about my new and improved multi-function 'drills'." He raised his hands and made quotation mark gestures with his fingers on the word drills.
"Now, lets go through this again. Petunia-"
"I'll be in the living room waiting to welcome them graciously to our home."
Uncle Vernon smiled at his wife, "and Dudley?"
"I will be at the door waiting to take their coats."
"Excellent," Uncle Vernon turned, his eyes narrowing and placed one hand on his hip. "And you?" he asked coldly.
"I'll be in my room making no noise at all and pretending I don't exist." Harry glared back at Uncle Vernon and noticed that his right eye was twitching. In fact, the whole right side of his body was. Harry followed the movement down, past the bulging stomach. His eyes rested upon his uncle's hand, which seemed to be scratching rather vigorously at his crotch.
Harry's eyes widened, it was almost mesmerizing.
"What are you looking at boy?" Vernon barked, absent mindedly still scratching. "Well what are you waiting for, get in your room, they'll be here any second!"
Sure enough as Harry trudged up the stairs the doorbell rang.
When Harry pushed open the door of his tiny bedroom he tried not to scream. There on his bed was a little creature with bat like ears and green eyes the size of tennis balls.
"Harry Potter! I have been ever so excited of meeting you!"
Harry was startled, how did this thing know his name? He moved forward and asked, "Who are you and what are you doing in my bedroom?" Harry could hear the Dursleys' voices coming up the stairs and down the hall, he was sure they would hear the creature's loud high-pitched voice.
"I am Dobby sir, Dobby the house-elf! I am here to warn you" Dobby climbed off the bed.
"Warn me of what?" Harry was still getting over his initial shock but before he could fully recover Dobby threw himself at Harry's legs. Before Harry knew what was going on, his pants were around his ankles and he felt a weird sensation down below. He looked down and was horrified to see Dobby's head between his legs. Harry quickly decided that whatever Dobby was doing was wrong. He grasped the house-elf and dragged him off.
"What are you doing?"
Dobby raised a hand and wiped his mouth, "I am sorry sir, it's just that Dobby thought that Harry would enjoy that. All of Dobby's masters do"
"Well, don't! Anyway what do you have to warn me about?" asked Harry quickly changing the subject and blushing, slightly embarrassed.
"Hang on…" Dobby picked up the lampshade and began to beat the shit out of it in a certain area of his body. "There. I'm sorry sir; Dobby almost spoke ill of his family sir. But anyway Dobby has to warn Harry Potter; Dobby must protect Harry Potter. Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry this year. There is a plot, a plot to make the most terribly things happen-"
"What terrible things? Who's plotting them?
"Can't say…" Dobby screwed up his face. He looked almost constipated. He began to have a fit. The constipation was too much!
"Alright, alright, I understand you can't say!"
Dobby reached for the lampshade and started pleasuring himself again. As you should know- causing one's self pleasure as a house-elf is the most severe form of punishment.
A sudden silence fell downstairs. Two seconds later Harry, heart thudding madly, heard Uncle Vernon coming into the hall calling, "Dudley must have his television on again, little tyke!"
"Quick in the wardrobe," hissed Harry stuffing Dobby in, shutting the door and flinging himself onto the bed just as the door handle turned.
Uncle Vernon entered the room to discover Harry lying on his bed in a rather familiar position. Harry was laying side on with one leg bent and a hand raised supporting his head. His other hand was clutching loosely at his crotch. There was a provocative twinkle in his eyes…
"What the devil are you doing up here?" Uncle Vernon said through gritted teeth. "You've just ruined the punch-line of my Japanese golfer joke!"
"Sorry," Harry got to his feet, his pants still around his ankles.
"One more sound and you'll wish you'd never been born, boy! And do something about those pants!" continued Uncle Vernon, glancing down at Harry.
"Yes sir, sorry sir."
Uncle Vernon stomped flat-footed from the room.
Shaking, Harry pulled his pants up and let Dobby out of the cupboard.
"See what it's like here?"
"Oh Dobby knows how Harry Potter feels!"
"I don't understand, why can't I go back to Hogwarts? Has Dumbledore sent you?" Harry was so confused.
"Oh no Harry Potter! I came on my own accord sir."
"Well you can't stop me Dobby! I am going back to Hogwarts- it's my home! I'd rather go there than stay here!"
"No Harry Potter! You must listen to me! You will be in grave danger if you return!"
"NO Dobby, I will board the train on the 1st of September and you can't stop me- Faggot!" Harry was going red in the face, he was trying hard not to yell.
"I'm afraid you've left me no choice sir!" Dobby ran to Harry's door and reached up and opened it. He scampered down the stairs and into the hall. Harry followed him as quickly and quietly as he could, his heart racing.
Harry reached the bottom of the stairs and turned the corner to see Dobby turn left into the kitchen. His stomach did a back flip, Uncle Vernon! Harry snuck through to the kitchen. On the bench was the huge iced four-layer sponge cake Aunt Petunia had baked for the guests, and Dobby was crouched behind the oven raising his gnarly hands and looking intently at the cake.
He realized what was happening too late. Dobby muttered a spell under his breath and the giant cake lifted into the air. It hovered and started moving around the corner and into the lounge. Harry rushed forward to grab the cake and almost had it before his arm started having a spasm. It went through his arm, down through his body and down to his legs. He collapsed on the floor in a full-blown seizure. His back down went stiff and his eyes were glazed over- his whole body was shaking violently and he started frothing at the mouth.
The sponge dropped on top of Mrs Mason's head. She shrieked at the top of her voice! Everyone turned and looked at Harry convulsing on the floor. He started to grab at his crotch and mutter under his breath. The convulsions subsided and Harry sat up. He curled his legs in and sat on the carpet rocking back and forth muttering, "Fuck me, hard, soft, fuck me…" Still foaming at the mouth. His eyes now had red pupils and green glowing rings around them.
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, it's my nephew he's terribly disturbed, meeting new people makes him anxious. He goes to St Brutus's School for the Criminally Insane. Ah…oh well, get this cake off…"
Harry started to come to. He shook his head and simply got up and walked upstairs. Dobby snapped his fingers and disappeared…