Disclaimer: Anything that belongs to anyone is not mine, including (but not limited to): Resident Evil 4, iPod, and any other copyrighted object I may decide to use in this fic. I am making no money off of this so if you sue me, you'll spend about $4050 on a lawyer to gain the $7.82 that I own. It's not really worth it.
Okay, I think that covers any and all bases, so I should be in the legal clear of things.
Now that my uber disclaimer is out of the way, let me just say real quick that I'm not giving up on How To, I just wanted to do something different, so I did a parody because I've never done one before, and I'm always up for trying new things. And plus, my sense of humor is twisted enough to really f-up the game. I've decided to make this a self-insert is shot, but trust me when I say, I won't be a Mary-Sue in any way, shape, or form. There's nothing I believe in more than my own imperfections. They're what make me cool, why correct them? Don't worry about a romantic relationship between me and Leon, either. Are you kidding? Eww! Anyway… START FIC!
Waiter, There's a Finger in My Soup
'1998…' Leon Scott Kennedy (but for the sake of space, we'll call him Leon from now on) thought with a sigh. 'I'll never forget it…'
Leon sat in a fancy looking restaurant with a bowl of soup in front of him. A human finger floated to the surface of the broth, and Leon grimaced at the severed appendage. "Waiter?" he asked looking around quizzically. A greenish skinned zombie wearing a waiter's outfit walked over to Leon's table. "Waiter, there's a finger in my soup." With a horrible groan, the zombie-waiter picked the finger out of the soup and re-attached it to his hand. The zombie-waiter then proceeded to gnaw on Leon's ear. "Whoa, buddy. I don't swing that way," the ever-oblivious Leon said, not realizing that the waiter was a zombie and thus had a taste for human flesh. He wasn't gay; he was just hungry.
'…For all intents and purposes, Umbrella was finished… Six years have passed since that horrendous incident.'
Leon sat in the backseat of a very old and very run-down cop car. He was bobbing his head slightly as he listened to his iPod. "Yo, amigo!" Cop one (who's real name was Roger), said, hitting Leon on the knee, considering the American wasn't paying attention.
"Whoa, buddy. I don't swing that way," Leon said taking his headphones out of his ears.
"…I don't either…" Roger said raising an eyebrow.
"Then stop feeling me up you sicko!" Leon shouted at the poor, confused obviously Spanish (but Capcom doesn't want us to know that so shhhhhh…) cop.
"So, Americano. Who are you, really?" The second cop (named Billy-Bob-Joe) said.
"The muffin-man," Leon said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
"Oh, ha, ha," Billy-Bob-Joe said. "Look you might think you're all cool because you're saving the President's daughter and you know a hot girl who likes red, but you are so not."
"What the fuck ever!" Leon said crossing his arms and pouting like a five-year-old.
"Hey Roger," Billy-Bob-Joe said to the other cop. "Pull over, I've got to take 'The Wiz'."
"Omigod!" Roger said, his voice suddenly much higher. "You are so gay!"
"I know, right?"
For the first time this entire trip, Leon got a good look at the two cops who were escorting him. They were both wearing a lot of make-up and dresses. "Ahhhhhhh!" Leon screamed. "I thought you said you didn't swing that way!"
"I don't," Roger said turning around. "I'm a girl. I'm a pretty, pretty girl."
"Oh, God!" Leon said running out of the car as fast as he could.
After running across a long wooden bridge, Leon turns around, panting for breath. 'Thank God. Those transvestites won't get me here! Ha!' Leon, however, thought too soon, as the cop car started driving across the bridge, its headlights shining right in Leon's face. The car drove right at Leon, who started running again. The car stopped and Leon hid behind a tree as the pair of transvestites stepped out of the car. "Aw… Roger… He got away…" Billy-Bob-Joe said.
"That's okay. We can just make out in the car instead!" Roger said, both he and Billy-Bob-Joe then stepped back into the car.
As Leon walked down the path, the heard his radio screech its familiar and somehow soothing cry. "Leon, I hope you can hear me. I'm Ingrid Hunnigan. I'll be your support on this mission," Leon's new support agent said. Leon was rarely ever thankful for things, but in this rare occasion, he was thankful that he had just been given a GRVT Visual Radio. The woman on the other end couldn't have been much older than 20, with dark brown hair tied back in a neat bun and deep grey eyes hidden behind thin red-framed eye-glasses.
"Loud and clear, sweetheart," Leon said, flashing his best smile. "Somehow I thought you'd be a little older, but I'm really glad you're not. So, when I come back from this mission, you wanna go out for some fusion Tai food?"
"That would be a very big negative, Leon," Hunnigan said. "I don't date men."
"So what? We can get together with your girlfriend and have a nice little threesome," Leon said, raising his eyebrows suggestively.
"Touch me and die." With that, Hunnigan turned off the radio, leaving Leon to fend for himself. For now, at least.
'She so digs me…' Leon thought as he walked up to an old, run down house.
Inside the house, three very frightening looking men watched Leon through a partially boarded up window.
"Shit!" the shortest of the three said. He couldn't have been much taller than three feet in height, as he was straining to see out of the window. He was wearing 18th century-esque clothing in a royal blue and gold color. His pale skin completely clashed with the white hair he had tied back with a blue ribbon. To be perfectly frank, he looked like Napoleon and Chucky's lovechild.
"We need to get the hell out of here," the tallest said. He stood at over seven feet tall and was currently wearing a large leather jacket accentuating his gargantuan size. He had a long, tangled beard but was bald on the top of his head. One of his eyes had a yellowish color to it and a red iris, and it bulged from his skull slightly, obviously fake. More or less, he looked like Rasputin ran with scissors as a child and his parents were too cheep to get a good looking glass eye.
The two that had just spoken looked to the third and obviously the leader of this small group. The leader had brown hair, and he was starting to bald a little. He wore a long purple robe with a large gold decoration accenting the front of it. He held an odd looking staff that seemed organic, as it wiggled and twitched a little bit. How old this man was, it was hard to determine. But it is assumed that he's somewhere in the 'I thought all you dinosaurs died' range. "You're both absolutely right. Knuckles," he said looking at the tallest, "get the girl. Chuckles," he looked at the shorter, "get the car-keys, we're moving out!"
"Saddler," 'Chuckles' said. "What the fuck are you talking about? We don't have a car!"
"And," 'Knuckles' said, "the girl's at the church."
But this Saddler character wasn't going to let something as pointless as these petty little details ruin his grand speech. "Just shut up and come on!" he shouted pushing his two companions through the back door. "Morons," he mumbled as the trio quickly stumbled through the forest to get away from the American agent currently walking into the house.
Leon walked into the house, finding a poor man doing something with his fireplace. "Excuse me, sir?" The man turned to face Leon and slowly walked toward him. "I was wondering if you've seen the girl in this photograph." Leon pulled out a naked picture of Ada. "Whoops!" Leon said blushing, quickly putting the picture of Ada away. "Wrong picture. I was wondering if you've seen the girl in this photograph." This time, Leon successfully pulled out Ashley's picture.
The man looked at the photo and said, "Oh, yes, I have seen her before. Here let me take you to her." Of course, the man was speaking Spanish and even though Leon actually took Spanish in college, he never really paid attention in that class.
"Hola," a busty blond teacher wearing a low -cut shirt said to her class, made up of mostly male students, "means 'hello' in Spanish." Leon looked at his Spanish teacher. Because he was sitting in a high seat, he could see right down her shirt. 'Thank you, Jesus.'
"Infected scum!" Leon shouted as he shot the man in the chest multiple times. The 'infected scum' fell to the ground, dissolving into a bubbly mess.
"Eww!" Leon cried. "It's everywhere!"
Leon walked to the near-by village, killing any locals that he saw along the way. Walking through a gate, he got another call from Hunnigan. "Are you dead yet?" she said harshly.
"Not yet. But one of the two transvestite cops that brought me here is impaled and being burned in the center of the village," Leon said completely normally.
"Sucks to be him," she said, shrugging.
"Yeah. It sure does," Leon said. "Anyway. I've got to go and shoot more people now, so I'll see you later gorgeous."
"Men…" Hunnigan mumbled as she hung up with considerably less force than before.
Leon had fought his way through the village valiantly so far, if you don't count the scratches he had from pitchforks, knives, axes, sickles, and chickens that were apparently on the villagers side. Figuring it was a good idea to hide inside of a house, Leon ran into the biggest house in the village, as the unmistakable sound of a chainsaw starting up sounded in the background. "Great. A chainsaw," Leon said stoically. He then proceeded to fall on the ground crying like a baby screaming, "I don't like these people! They're worse than the French!"
Dr. Salvador, broke the door to his house with his chainsaw but upon seeing the pathetic little American crying on the floor, he felt something change within him. And what happened then...? Well...in Pueblo they say that Dr. Salvador's small heart grew three sizes that day!
And then Leon shot him in the chest with a shotgun he had found upstairs. Repeating this measure every time the good doctor tried to say that he had changed, Leon soon killed him and moved on to the regular villagers. Because, c'mon, who's going to argue with a guy who has a shotgun? Suddenly, the bell from the church on the hill started ringing and all the villagers forgot all about trying to murder Leon.
Leon scoffed as he said to himself, "Where's everyone going? Bingo?"
"No! You, jackass!" a disembodied voice shouted to the agent. "They're going to church!'
"Who the hell are you? And where the hell are you?"
"I am the almighty and ever-powerful Snow Puff!" The disembodied voice shouted. "And I'm right behind you." Leon turned around, ready to shoot this Snow Puff chick, but he soon saw that she was virtually harmless. She looked like she was 16 years old. She had dark brown hair tied back in a messy-pony tail and dark brown eyes that had a mischievous glint to them. She wore a simple black tank-top with a pair of dark jeans that seemed a little too big on her. In her hand, she held a single pen.
"How the hell did you do that?" Leon said raising an eyebrow.
"I'm the authoress. I can do whatever I want," Snow Puff said with a shrug.
"You mean as long as you've got that pen," Leon reached out and grabbed the pen from her hand, and before she had a chance to react, Leon snapped the pen in half.
"Are you insane?" she shouted, terror rising on her face.
"Are you? Better yet, are your parents? I mean, who names their kid that…" Leon said smugly.
"It's a nickname, you dork!" she said rolling her eyes. "My real name's Katrina. I'd prefer if you called me that, anyway…"
"What are you doing in a place like this?" Leon said simply.
"I was writing this story to make sure you came out of it alive, but you kinda fucked that up. (Good job, by the way.) Now, I guess I'm along for the ride," Katrina said with a sigh.
"Do you know how to use a gun?" Leon asked.
"Is the Space Pope reptilian?" Katrina said with a smirk.
Luckily for the both of them, Leon had brought an extra handgun along with him "just in case". The duo had made their way through a farm, killing off any villagers that got in their way.
Katrina might have known how to use a gun, but apparently she had missed the lesson on how to aim it. Nearly every shot she fired, she missed, and the few that did hit, didn't do much, so Leon ended up doing most of the killing and Katrina only shot (at) people when Leon was reloading his guns. The rest of the time, she stayed well out of his way, lest she get shot.
They had just re-enacted a particular scene from Indiana Jones, and they found out that in life or death situations, they were both very, very fast.
Currently, they two of them were fighting off a group of villagers who seemed to have learned the art of throwing dynamite at people they didn't like. And damn, they were good. "Holy shit!" Katrina shouted as a stick of dynamite exploded a little too close for comfort. She was in the fetal position hiding behind a tree, as Leon stood over her, shooting at the villagers wielding dynamite. As Leon had killed the last villager, Katrina buried her head in her hands and started shaking.
"What's wrong with you?" Leon the amazingly tactful said.
"I wish I was home… I hate it here… I want to go home…" Katrina mumbled, shivering slightly.
"Don't worry about it; you'll be home soon enough, I swear. All I need to do is rescue Ashley, then a helicopter will come to pick us up and everything will be fine," Leon said giving the young girl a reassuring smile, helping her off the ground. Leon's smile was so reassuring and so convincing, that Katrina completely forgot that she had beaten the game three times and that it simply wasn't that simple.
The pair walked into the only locked house in the clearing they were in. Leon kicked the lock off the door and Katrina kicked the door open, brandishing her handgun, just in case there was a villager in the house. Seeing no one, she put the gun down and walked into the house. Leon walked into the second and seemingly only other room in the house. "Seems like nothing else is here," he said. "C'mon Kat, let's move on."
"First off," Katrina said firmly, "don't, under any circumstances, call me 'Kat'. Secondly, there's something behind this book shelf; help me move it out of the way."
"You're crazy, but fine. Whatever," Leon said pushing on the wooden structure, revealing another hallway.
"Told you," Katrina said smugly. The two of them walked down the hall, constantly hearing a banging sound that, quite honestly, scared Katrina to all hell. They reached another room that only contained a cabinet, and someone, or something, was banging on it from the inside.
"Let's see what that is," Leon said walking towards the cabinet.
"Be my guest," Katrina said with a sarcastic chuckle.
Leon stood next to the cabinet, with Katrina cowering behind him, as he opened one of the doors. A man with his arms and legs tied and his mouth bound with tape fell out of the newly opened door. Leon knelt down next to the man (that Katrina immediately recognized as Luis Sera) and took the tape off his mouth. "A little rough don't you think?" Luis said sarcastically. As Leon turned him over, starting to untie his arms, Luis asked very seriously, "You're… not like them?"
"No," Leon said starting on his legs. "You?"
"No. How 'bout her?" Luis said gesturing to Katrina who was still cowering.
"Na. I'm clean," Katrina said, relaxing slightly.
"Okay. I have only one, very important question. You got a smoke?" Luis said with a small smirk.
"Got gum," said Leon, shrugging. Luis turned his attention to Katrina.
"Don't look at me!"
A pair of villagers followed by a seven foot tall man entered the room.
"Perfect," Luis said. "The big cheese."
"What?" Leon said before throwing a spinning back kick at the chief's chest. The chief caught Leon's foot before it made contact and threw him onto Luis, destroying the cabinet, and knocking both of the men out.
The chief walked towards Katrina who was trying her hardest to melt into the wall, although at the moment she was failing and miserably. "Stay back!" She shouted, pointing her gun at the chief. "Don't make me shoot! Cuz I so will! I'm crazy!" The chief merely grabbed a pressure point on her shoulder, making her fall unconscious.
Okay, I really like the writing style I chose for this, so I'm definitely going to continue with it. I think I'm going to have a lot of fun with this fic. I can't believe that this chapter is a little over 3000 words. It's mind boggling. Anywho… As usual, drop me a review.