1

Never leave an elf alone with an ice cream

Kurt was lying on his bed reading a comic. All was peaceful. His roomie was on a date, his stomach was full and the graphic novel was a work of art. But his mind wasn't really on the comic book in his hands. He was thinking about other things… namely, the girl who usually slept in the room above him.

Kitty was, at this moment, at the mall, with her boyfriend Lance, a.k.a. Avalanche of the Brotherhood. He made Kurt feel… well… uncomfortable. For Kurt to know that his best female friend was with a boy who could, and would, kill at times, was slightly unpleasant to say the least.

"Dammit," said Kurt under his breath. "I'm never going to finish this comic." He turned over to sit on the edge of his bed, throwing the comic onto the floor in frustration. Then he reached over and switched on his radio.

"I'd do anythingjust to hold you in my arms…" Kurt swore and switched stations.

"She doesn't know who I amAnd she doesn't give a damn about meCoz I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby…" Kurt swore again.

"Staring out, at the rain, with a heavy heart… it's the end, of the world, in my mind… then your voice pulls me back, like a wakeup call…" And again.

"I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world…"

"AARGH!" screamed Kurt. "Zhis is just TOO MUCH!" He bamfed to Rogue and Kitty's room and banged on the door.

"ROGUE!" he yelled, thumping the door with his fists. "OPEN UP! I NEED TO BORROW ONE OF YOUR CDs! Hang on a minute… I don't need you to open up…"

He teleported into the room, right on top of Rogue.

"AARGH! Get offa meh, fuzzball!"

"Ouch. Zhat hurt. Now can I borrow vone of your CDs? I'm bored of zhe Beatles."

"I thought the day would never come."

Kurt looked up from where he was flicking through Rogue's CD rack. "Uh huh. Got anyzhing ozher zhan Marilyn Manson and Eminem?"

"Ah didn't say that you could use one o' mah CDs, did ah?"

"No. But I'm sick of zhe Beatles, and all zhat is on zhe radio is lovesick boy bands and songs about Barbie."

"Well, boo hoo for you. Whah don'cha just go stuff yer face with ahce cream or whatever blue fuzzy brothers do?"

"Vell, okay, if you're sure… I vill tell whoever tells me off for eating too much zhat if vas your idea."

"Go away."

"Certainly." BAMF Kurt left Rogue sitting in a cloud of red smoke.

"So… I guess this means we're through," Kitty said quietly.

"Yeah… It's just… I can't go on like this."

"Like what?" said Kitty.

"Like this," Lance said, waving his arms about. "You're obviously fixated with Kurt and you're not… not happy with me. And I want to see you happy."

Kitty didn't say anything, just threw open the door of the car and slid out.

"It's really that obvious?" she asked, leaning back in through the window.

"It's more than obvious." Then Lance revved the engine and drove away, leaving Kitty standing in the middle of the driveway of Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters.

Kurt was sitting at the kitchen table with a huge tub of triple chocolate ice cream in front of him. He was in the process of digging his spoon into the carton when he heard a familiar 'fwoosh'ing sound behind him.

"Guten abend, Keety," Kurt said as his tail started swishing around behind him. "How vas your date?"

"Rubbish." Said Kitty. Kurt turned around, spoon still in mouth.

"So… you know my advice, ja?" His tail lazily reached out for the ice cream as he leaned back in his chair.

"Ja. But-"

"Break up vizh him." The spoon flipped from his mouth and into his hand, and he scooped out another blob of icey creamy goodness.

"But I don't need to."

"You don't need to… you don't need to… you don't- VAS?" Kurt spat the icecream out, spoon and all. It flew through the air and through Kitty's head before hitting the wall opposite and clattering to the floor. "You mean…"

"Yes. He, like, totally broke up with me!" And it's all because he knows that I like you better, she added silently in her head.

"YES!" cried Kurt, jumping onto the table and doing to moonwalk. (Which is a spectacular feat when your feet are covered in fur.) Kitty looked at him, one eyebrow raised. "I mean, uh, zhat's too bad," Kurt stammered. "Um, er… want some ice cream?"

11:45. A tired Scott in a pair of boxers and a singlet walked into the kitchen to get a last drink before bed. Then he stopped dead in his tracks.

Half-melted ice cream was running down the walls. 100s and 1000s covered the benches. The fridge door was open, and all sorts or food was tumbling out.

As he slowly walked through the center of the mess he saw more chaos. There was a smoosh that might have once been a tomato stuck to the back of a chair, and flour was all over the floor. It looked like the scene of a lunchtime foodfight at any normal school in the country. Times twenty.

He reached the fridge, and as he stood there, staring at the disorder, he heard a snore.

It seemed to come from the pantry, and as Scott approached it the snores got louder and louder, until it was obvious that the snores were definitely coming from the larder.

Scott threw open the doors to see… a blue fuzzy elf hanging from the top shelf, thumb in mouth. Curled up beneath him, sucking on a snickers bar, was Kitty, still wearing a miniskirt and jean jacket, chocolate smudged around her mouth.

Scott's first reaction was to stand there in shock. Kurt sucks his thumb? he thought, bewildered. His second reaction was to tell somebody. Like any normal person would, if they saw their friends squeezed in a cupboard, surround by boxes of open food.

Scott began to sprint up the stairs, only to be stopped by something resembling a wall in boxers.

"Logan!" gasped Scott. "Oh my GOD, you just HAVE to see this!"

"I doubt I want to, Cyke," Logan snarled. But he followed Scott down into the kitchen, anyway.

When he saw the mess he growled softly. "Why in the helluvit-" then he saw the pantry doors flung open. "Oh," Logan said. "I guess that pretty much explains it."

Kitty had turned over on her side; making little mewing noises whenever she breathed out. At least she wasn't snoring full on like Kurt. He would breath in, his left ear would flick, and then he snorted.

"No… you can't make me… I wanna do the tightrope…" Kurt murmured under his breath, causing Logan and Scott to look at each other with raised eyebrows.

Kurt started muttering in German. "Nein! Katzchen! Don't! You'll fall!"

"Sounds like he's having a… very interesting dream," Logan said, before yelling "WAKE UP FUZZBUTT!" at the top of his voice.

Kurt promptly fell face first onto Kitty, who sat up with a gasp. "What's goin' on?" she slurred. "Kurt? Wha- oh. Hey mister Logan…"

"WHAT do ya THINK ya were DOING?"

"Ve're sorry, Mister Logan, ve-"

"You better be… you're both grounded for two weeks!"

It was about 12:45 am and Kurt and Kitty were in BIG trouble. They were in the process of trying to explain their actions to an annoyed and tired Wolverine, who didn't like being awake so late unless it was ABSOLUTELY necessary.

"We're, like, soooo sorry, it was a total accident!"

"Good. Now you two CLEAN UP THAT MESS!"

"Yes mister Logan," both the teenagers said at once, nodding their heads nervously.

§

FLASHBACK BEGINS

"Here," said Kurt, "have anozher chocolate."

"Don't mind if I do," said Kitty, a huge chocolate stain already around her mouth. "Hey! I found another ice cream carton!"

10:37 p.m., and two teenage mutants were completely and utterly sugarfied. Empty wrappers littered the floor as the hyper mutants bounced around the room.

"Hey look," Kurt announced. "Zhe pantry door is open!"

They went to the oversized cupboard and starting pulling out chocolate bars and family-sized bags of potato chips.

"Goody!" Kitty cried, diving into the larder. "Food!"

"Oh mien Gott," said Kurt. "I never zhought zhat ve vould share zhe same perspective." He jumped to the top shelf and started to stuff his face with sugar.

FLASHBACK ENDS

§

"Mien Gott, Keety, I'm so sorry," said Kurt, mentally kicking himself. "If it vasn't for me you vouldn't be down here."

"Ewwww," was all Kitty said. "How many calories did I consume? Ick, I must be, like, fat," she muttered.

Kurt wiped the tabletop down, then threw the soaking cloth into the sink. "If you zhink you're fat, mien leibling, zhen you have a lot to learn. Have you ever met Fred?"

"Blob? Yeah. But all these calories can't be good for me!" Kitty was panicking now.

"Katzchen! Calm down! It's just a bit of sugar!"

"The most fattening thing of all," Kitty muttered. Then she sighed. "Oh well, I guess I'll just have to try extra-hard in the danger room tomorrow."

Kurt cringed. He'd forgotten all about that. Jean, Kitty, Scott, Evan and himself were having a date with the danger room the next morning. With Logan, who would be grumpy from being up at 1:00 in the morning, worse luck.

Kitty picked up yat another mars-bar wrapper. She totally wished she was Jamie right now. And to tell the truth, so did Kurt. It would be so much easier if they had duplicates of themselves to help them tidy.

Kurt and Kitty retired to their beds at about half past three that morning.

"Urg," Kurt muttered. "Ich vill nicht EVER offer you an ice-cream vhen you're depressed again."

Kitty was just worried about all the calories she had eaten. "I'm going to turn to a sack of lard," she moaned as she trudged up the stairs, too tired to phase.

"Or not," said Kurt, "If what you usually eat like has anything to do with it. Guten abend, Katzchen."

"Don't you mean guten morgen?" asked Kitty sarcastically.

"Ja, ja. Guten morgen, zhen."

As she lay down in bed, Kitty Pryde vowed never to touch another piece of calory-ridden food again.

Okay, danke for reading my story… I'm pretty sure it's rubbish, if you like it then… well… thankyou! Mien stories try hard to be serious but somehow they always turn out as comedies…