Disclaimer: Apart from my own twisted imagination and weird sense of humour, I own nothing. Nichts. Niente. Nada. Zip. NOTHING.
Glad we've got that one clear.
Now, for those of you who aren't aware how the Great British Pub Quiz system usually works, here's a basic run-down. There are ten rounds of varying subjects (history, music, general knowledge etc) and each team is given the opportunity to play a Joker on a certain round. This Joker doubles any points you gain during that round, so it's best saved for a round the team knows it will do well in, and you're only allowed to play it once – once it's been played, it's gone. So choose wisely.
"Now, Doctor," Jack said quietly, "we need to consider this carefully. It's a very risky decision."
"Since when has a decision he's made not been risky?" Rose said, bored of the two men talking so seriously.
"I think we should wait for a while and see what our other options are before we dive into this head first," continued Jack, as if he hadn't heard Rose.
"Aww," moaned the Doctor. "Where's the fun in that? Snap decisions help the world go round! Anyway, I've got a good feeling about it this time."
"You said that last week, and we ended up losing our entire stash of beryllium nitrate to some Zestrofarnadivatonians."
"Jack, trust me on this one. We need to make a decision and we need to make it now."
"Doctor, are you sure?"
"Are you questioning my judgement?" the Doctor asked in a playful tone.
"Oh, just let him do it, Jack," Rose said impatiently. "We're running out of time and we need to decide on this now."
"Fine," huffed Jack, crossing his arms and leaning back into his seat with a face like thunder. The Doctor imitated him, but grinning instead of scowling, as Rose waved a piece of paper in the air.
"Over here!" she yelled to the barmaid. "We've got another Joker here!"
"I still say we should wait until the Universal Knowledge round," Jack scowled, still cross with the Doctor.
"Jack, how long have you been back with us?" Rose demanded, trying to keep her face straight.
"Lost track." The barmaid hurried over and took the Joker out of Rose's outstretched hand and the Doctor took another sip of his drink.
"Long enough to know that the Doctor's knowledge of 'Popular Culture On Earth, 1910 to 2010' is way bigger than his 'Universal Knowledge', surely," she continued, a smile breaking onto her mouth. Jack scowled some more and wriggled further down into his seat. Truth be told, he still hadn't quite adjusted to the new Doctor, suspicious of the idea of regeneration and wary of the Doctor's boundless enthusiasm for every little thing. At least his Doctor had known when to draw the line with important decisions. This lunatic seemed to have the same amount of energy – and a similar attention span – as a five-year-old at Christmas. Jack also felt resentful towards the Doctor when he reacted rather angrily to Jack's news that he had worked with Torchwood. How was Jack supposed to know that the Doctor hadn't wanted them to fire? He thought the reason they were told to fire was because the Doctor hadn't been there to help. Still, the Doctor had forgiven Jack more readily than he had forgiven the Doctor. Jack sipped his Screwdriver mutinously as Rose and the Doctor gave each other the thumbs-up.
"First question, ladies and gentlemen," the quizmaster said. He shook his long green dreadlocks out of his eyes and held up the question paper with a fur-covered hand. "From which popular Earth musical is the song 'You'll Never Walk Alone'?"
"Carousel," the Doctor said, not missing a beat. Rose scribbled it down as Jack frowned.
"I thought that was—"
"And for a bonus point," the quizmaster said, "which Earth football team uses that song as its anthem?"
"You don't even like football!"
"But I like Carousel," the Doctor said plainly, grinning. Jack huffed and resumed his previous position.
"Question two: who starred in the Earth film 'Churchill: The Hollywood Years' as the title character?"
"Question three is an audio question: name the song, the Earth band who wrote this song and the Earth year in which it was written."
"Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide, no esca—"
"Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen, 1975."
Scribble scribble scribble scribble.
Scratch scratch. Scribble scribble.
"Great band, Queen. Great song."
"Question four: Which Earth film star did Music Goddess Madonna famously copy in her video for 'Material Girl'?"
The round carried on like this, with the questions ranging from the mundane to the obscure, and the Doctor carried on getting the right answers to each question. He never made a mistake, never faltered – he gave the answer directly after the quizmaster finished the questions, occasionally adding a comment about the easiness of the questions.
"Question eleven: from which Earth film was the song 'Keep Young And Beautiful' taken from?"
"Roman Scandals. 1933. Ooh, now there's an early film. They still had blacked up minstrels in them days."
"Wouldn't be able to get away with that any more," Rose giggled. "They'd lock you up faster than you could say 'politically incorrect'."
"Question twelve: correct to two years either way, name the five Earth year period which epitomised the Punk movement."
"1976 to 1981."
"You're sure, Doctor?" Jack said, purposefully injecting disdain into his usually cheerful and flirtatious voice.
"Positive. Oh, back in the days … I told The Clash not to smash their instruments up, but did they listen? Noooo. Tch …"
"Question thirteen: which Earth film by His Supreme Eminency, the Lord Walt Disney, starred the voice talents of James Earl Jones, Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane?"
"Easy one for you, Doctor …" Rose said, grinning. The Doctor cackled and rubbed his hands together gleefully.
"The Lion King!" he exclaimed happily. "Aww, I LOVE that film …"
"Yes, Doctor, I know. So did the Sycorax. And Mickey. And Harriet Jones, Prime Minister."
"Hakuna Matata – the unofficial motto of the Time Lords."
"Well, seeing as I'm the last one left, I think I can choose an unofficial motto. Come to think of it, I think I can choose an official motto as well …"
Twenty questions were asked before the answer sheets were collected in by the barmaid, and the Doctor, Rose and a very sullen Jack played through two more rounds ('Name That Cocktail', a round which Jack unsurprisingly excelled in, and 'Universal Knowledge') before the answers were read out.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I can now reveal the answers to the 'Popular Culture On Earth, 1910 to 2010' round. Question one …"
With a wider grin after each correct answer, the Doctor stuck his tongue out at Jack in an 'I told you so' manner as Rose gave a whispered "Yes!" every time an answer was read out, knowing it was the right one.
"And finally, the answer to question twenty – what was the name of the third child of the Lord and Lady Beckham, Supreme Rulers of Europa? – was, of course, Cruz."
"What!" exclaimed the Doctor loudly, causing a nearby customer to drop the drink he was carrying and other people seated at tables to look round at them with bemused expressions on their faces. "That's not right! Their third child was Romeo, not Cruz!"
"Romeo was their second child, Doctor," Jack pointed out.
"Good job I wrote down Cruz then, wasn't it, Doctor?" Rose said, grinning and hitting him lightly on the arm. The Doctor looked shocked.
"I got it wrong?" he said incredulously. "But … but I never get Earth Popular Culture questions wrong! It was my specialist subject on Galactic Mastermind! I won the grand final three years running!"
"Look, what's the big deal?" Rose said, giggling. "I wrote down the right answer, we still got forty-two points because we played our Joker. And that puts us," she added as she nodded towards the board which displayed the team names and scores, "in first place. We've won!"
"That's not the point," the Doctor huffed, doing an uncanny impression of Jack. "I wanted to get all the answers right." He frowned and pouted furiously at Rose, looking as though he was going to throw a tantrum at any moment.
"Oh, stop your moaning," she chided. "Just because I got something right that you got wrong." Rose stuck her tongue out at the Doctor and high-fived Jack, who had made an incredibly quick transition from grumpy to happy, as they both got up to collect their prize.
"Excellent haul!" Jack exclaimed happily as they sat back down. "Two bottles of hyper-vodka, two bottles of Centaurean gin and four bottles of Moët et Chandon champagne! Boy, these Montipidonians sure appreciate their alcohol …" Jack examined the bottles carefully, an expression of great approval on his face.
"Either that or they think it's the alcoholic equivalent of sink cleaner," the Doctor said sourly. "Why else would they give it away so willingly?"
"Aww, is the Doctor becoming a bad loser?" cooed Rose condescendingly. Jack chuckled as he checked the percentage of the hyper-vodka. This was more like his Doctor.
"No," the Doctor replied bluntly, still sulking.
"Yes you are!"
"Come on, let's get you two home," Jack said, sensing a major argument. The Doctor stood up and yanked his coat on before marching out, with Rose following him at a safe distance. Jack scooped up all their prizes and rushed out after them, running to catch up to the Doctor, who was striding away towards the TARDIS without a backward glance at Rose, who was teasing him about his wrong answer.
"You got an answer wrong, you got an answer wrong …" she sang repeatedly in a babyish, sing-song voice. The Doctor's scowl intensified as he quickened his pace. As he reached the TARDIS door and unlocked it, Jack distinctly heard the Doctor mutter something as he strode inside and made for the console.
"There'll be no living with her after this …"