Kids in Black
Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR or Men in Black. It all belongs to other people.
Summary: When Mary Sues invade fandom, who restores canon? The Kids in Black do, of course. Based on Men in Black, but not technically a crossover. It maybe a one-shot, but maybe not; it all depends on the quantity and quality of the response it gets.
All in a Day's Work
Angelina Christina Serena Melina Starjewel Yellowstone Watergem ran her thin, fair, dainty fingers though Aragorn's dark, wavy tresses as he trailed kisses down her neck, lowering her on to the bed. How she'd dreamed of this since she'd seen the first movie, and finally, her wish was coming true. She slowly unbuttoned his shirt, caressing his chest every time; he slowly began to slip her pale pink dress off her shoulders, as he whispered sweet nothings to her and placed himself on top of her.
"Angelina, when I first saw you, I strayed into a dream," he whispered between kisses. "I love you more than I have ever loved anything."
I've done it, she thought triumphantly, as she pulled his shirt off.
That's when a dark-haired boy in his early teens, clad in a black suit with black sunglasses, burst into the room.
"I've found the Sue, Agent J," the boy reported to someone in the hallway. "This one's gotten pretty far. Are you getting all of this?"
"Yes, Agent P," a higher, younger, female voice answered. A few moments later, a golden-brown-haired girl aged between 6 and9, wearing a smaller, but identical outfit, who appeared to be the boy's sister, entered the bedroom, taking down information on a clipboard. The couple stopped embracing immediately.
"Aren't you two a little young to be cops?" Angelina sneered, wrinkling her perfect button nose.
"We're not cops, ma'am," Agent P informed her flatly, taking out his badge. "We're KIB: Kids in Black. KIB is dedicated to negotiating with OCs and thwarting Mary Sues in all fandoms prone to receiving major amounts of the aforementioned persons."
"Angelina Christina Serena Melina Starjewel Yellowstone Watergem," Agent J began, "you are under arrest for the violation of Statute 31, by entering Middle-earth without notify the Valar or KIB, and Statute 148B, which states 'OCs may not tamper with the union of Aragorn Elessar and Arwen Undomiel.'"
"Yeah, right, like you kids can arrest me," the Sue retorted, her sapphire eyes changing to a formidable ice blue. "I have the right to be with any character I want."
"Tell that to the Valar," Agent P shot back, walking towards her with a pair of handcuffs. "They make the rules; we just enforce 'em."
"What're the Valar? Oh, it doesn't matter anyway. Nothing's coming between me and my ranger boy." She pulled her dress back up and sent a blast of ice towards both agents, who promptly ducked while the ice formed a solid block in the doorway. The terrible OC then sent a wave of water at the KIB, soaking them both.
"Mark this as a Class 5 Sue," P ordered his sister while he took a small blaster out of his pocket. He shot a blast of some purple substance, which hit the Sue in the heart, temporarily knocking her unconscious. Aragorn quickly returned to his canon self.
"What happened? The last thing I remember is walking in the woods and finding her," he told the kids honestly. "Who is she?"
"This is a Class 5 Mary Sue. She turned herself into a great beauty in order to lure you away from Arwen Undomiel and thoroughly seduce you," P replied matter-of-factly.
"Where is Arwen?" the King of Gondor inquired.
"She has just entered the palace after finishing her mournful walk around Minas Tirith, which she has done daily since the Sue ensnared her," J told him bluntly.
"May I see her?" Elessar asked worriedly.
"Of course," Agent P answered crossing over to the threshold and calling out, "Ms. Undomiel! Your husband is back!"
"Estel, darling!" the Evenstar cried happily as she ran into the room and embraced him passionately.
"Thank you, both of you," she told the agents.
"All in a days work, ma'am, all in a day's work," Agent P replied calmly while brandishing a small silver tube; he then turned to J and whispered rather loudly, "get the Mary Sue out to the car; I'll handle them." He pointed to the happy couple. J then dragged the Sue out of the room; P turned back to Aragorn and Arwen and held the silver tube in front of their faces.
"Now look at the red light," the boy instructed. "I'm just a figment of your imagination." He pressed the button the side of the tube, which then emitted a large flash and caused the two lovers to freeze; he left the room as though nothing had ever happened.
P met his sister back at the car (which is interesting, as neither of them is old enough to drive), but J was talking on her regulation cell phone.
"Yes, sir, we'll be right there," she assured the person on the other line.
"What is it?" her brother asked.
"There's trouble in POTC; somebody killed Elizabeth in order to get to Will, and two 'female pirates' are going after Capt. Jack as we speak," she informed P.
"Whoever decided to cast Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom in the same movie must've been clinically insane," P remarked.
"That would be the French," J teased.
"No, it wouldn't."
"Yes, it would."
On that note, they got into the car and rode off into the sunset, with the Fellowship's musical theme playing in the back, which quickly transitioned into the POTC soundtrack.