Disclaimer: As much as I would like to say they're mine, but they're not; I've learned to accept that.
A/N: To my anonymous reviewers:
Rambie: I will do a lost Sue chapter soon, but I haven't watched or read Inu Yasha; I'm sorry.
Dannielle: I'm glad you think the story rocks. It will get longer.
Legolas Girl 9: I'm glad you like it, but I'm not sure if I will chronicle how the KIB came to be; I might do that at the end.
Ashley woke up in an ethereally beautiful bedroom made of white marble; she immediately noticed that vines and tree branches had wound their way around the pillars and occasionally crept up the walls. Suddenly, a young stunning young maiden with glossy black hair, flawlessly fair skin, and sky-blue eyes enter the room; Ashley saw that this woman also had pointed ears and a familiar-looking necklace. The two females stared awkwardly at each other for a moment. Ashley broke the silence.
"Where am I?" she asked, bewildered.
"You are in Rivendell, in the House of Lord Elrond," the elleth stated gently but firmly.
"Wow! That's so totally cool! Can I go to the council?" the fangirl requested excitedly.
"Well—" the elf maiden began.
"Okay, let's go! You're Arwen, aren't you?"
"Yes, but how did you know that?"
Ashley discoursed on a tangent about the LOTR movies: how they were a million times better than the books (though she had never read them), how Orlando Bloom was the hottest guy on the planet, etc. By the time the two had reached the area where the council was being held, Arwen was sick to death of this strange guest.
When Ashley entered the Circle of Chairs everyone was struck with her captivating beauty from her fair skin to her white blonde hair to her stunning turquoise eyes (she outshone Arwen by at least 94,572 megawatts). Everyone was dumbstruck, except for one person: a green-skinned young woman (who sat next to Frodo, on his right) paid the newcomer no notice and continued reading her copy of People Magazine.
"I don't care about how Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are going to decorate their baby's nursery! Can't the magazine staff write about anything else!" the lady shrieked at the periodical; that's when she looked up and frantically glanced at everyone's entranced faces. "Huh? What are we staring at?" Then she noticed Ashley standing the opposite edge of the circle in all her radiant glory. "Oh, hello. Who are you?"
"I am Ashley. I come from Earth; that's a world that's really far away from here," the Fangirl Sue explained as if she were speaking to a group of three-year-olds.
"You're from another world? You sound just like the Wizard, Emperor of Oz. Have you come to be this world's tyrannical dictator, too?" the green woman asked bitterly, every word dripping with contempt as she turned her attention back to her magazine.
"No," Ashley replied, ignoring the woman's loathing tone, "I have come to save Middle-earth from the evil clutches of Sauron, for I already know the fate of the war."
"DON'T TELL US! DON'T TELL US!" Lord Elrond screamed, coming out of his trance. "On second thought, just tell Gandalf and me because we're the smartest people here. Anyway, Lady Ashley, you shall sit to the right of Lady Elphaba."
The Sue felt slighted, as she had hoped to be seated next to Legolas. Oh, well, she could seduce him later. Right now, she had to deal with the cranky gal on her left, who she thought was the ugliest person she'd ever seen (actually, anyone with half a brain would consider Elphaba pretty, despite her green skin, which shows how smart this fangirl is).
After that, there was a lot of talking. Ashley asked Elphie if she could borrow her issue of People, but the Witch rudely refused her, so all the girl could do was complain.
"Why is this taking so long?" she whined.
"Oh, they're just trying to annoy you. You're right; it really shouldn't take this long to decide the fate of an entire world," Elphaba snapped sarcastically.
Finally, the Council started talking about forming a Fellowship.
"I'll go! I'll go!" Ashley squealed excitedly.
"In that case, I'll go, too," Elphaba volunteered. The fangirl was startled.
"What! The maximum is ten members!" the Sue snapped, never having come across a fic that had Eleven Walkers (though they do exist).
"Well, actually, I heard somewhere that there should be Nine Walkers for Nine Riders, but since you've disregarded that fact, Eleven Walkers should work."
"Well, surely a gorgeous young maid such as Lady Ashley would be abducted, so maybe the Lady Elphaba should come along as her female escort and protect her from such harm," Boromir suggested in a pompous tone that hinted at the male chauvinism that he always possessed in Sue fics.
"Yes, I think that would suffice," Elrond agreed without letting Elphie get a word in edgewise. "This council is adjourned. Now, Lady Ashley, please come with Gandalf and me to my office so that we may discuss the outcome of the quest."
Later that afternoon, Ashley was sitting in a balcony above the archery course, spying on her beloved elf prince, of course. As she stared at him, she let out a long, loud sigh; it was then that Elphaba cleared her throat to declare her presence.
"He's beautiful, isn't he?" the Witch remarked, referring to Legolas.
"Yes, he's the hottest thing ever," the Sue agreed, never taking her eyes off him. "If only he would notice me."
"I can help you," Elphie offered.
"Oh, thank you! Thank—" then Ashley turned her head and realized who she was talking to. "Oh, it's you. Why would you help me?"
"Well, I thought we got off on the wrong foot earlier today and seeing as we'll be traveling as escort and ward…" Elphaba trailed off before her face could show her disgust.
"What can you do?"
"Well…I'm a witch; a little magic is all you need to ensnare your lust object." The fangirl was looking more and more excited with every word Elphie spoke, but the Sue was too dumb to notice that the Witch's kindness was extremely forced and not genuine at all. "Come with me."
Elphaba led Ashley to her room, where the only thing that was in the room other than the bed was a broom.
"Uh, why do you have a broom in your room?" Ashley asked, confused.
"I fly on it," Elphie stated briskly.
"Yes, you know, I use it to defy gravity."
"Uh, what will you use to help me?"
"Oh…my assistants have that stuff."
"Yes, my assistants." As Elphaba spoke those last two words, she said them to the door, which puzzled her fangirl companion. There was an eerie silence.
The silence was soon broken when Agents P and J rushed into the room, completely drenched and tripping over themselves.
"You---you're under arrest," Agent J panted as she fell over and paused to catch her breath.
"Who are you?" Ashley demanded as Agent P clumsily managed to clap the handcuffs on her.
"We're Kids in Black, the closest thing fanfiction has to a police force. You're under arrest for being a Mary Sue," P explained.
"Why are you two all wet?" Elphie inquired.
"We took a POTC mission at the last minute and after we got the Sue, the Royal Navy attacked," J told her. "When we tried to escape in the Kidmobile, they tried to drown us in it. We decided to use the brand-new teleporting system to get here, but when we arrived, we found a stowaway."
"That's interesting. That's very interesting," Captain Jack Sparrow remarked as two beautifully frightening Elven guards (with out bows and arrows pointed in his face) backed him into the room.
"Hey, leave him alone. He's with me," Elphaba lied. With that, the guards left.
"Thank, love---" Jack began, but when he turned towards the two women next the broom, all he could was stare. "Beautiful."
"Thank you," Ashley replied, thinking that he meant her.
"Not you. I meant the gorgeous green goddess next to you," the captain corrected her. Elphie blushed a deep, dark shade of forest green.
"Uh, well, we'll leave you two to get better acquainted," Agent P told them rather awkwardly.
"Come on, you," Agent J hissed to the Sue as she yanked to girl (who was still gazing wistfully at Captain Sparrow) out of the room by the arm.
A/N: Don't worry, my pretties; the Wrong Fandom Sue is coming soon to a computer screen near you. Please review.