I don't own JSRF…I DO own this fic so don't plagiarize.
(Corn, Cube, Clutch, Combo and Gum)
"You waste your time battlin' me,
I got mine happenin' see,
You should have thought G,
You should have thought sooner;
Instead of battlin' me you need to plan your longevity,
Before you die broke like Sammy Davis Jr.
The solar, followed by the lunar,
Followed by the solar,
Followed by McDonalds and Coke Cola;
The point is that
Whatever the outcome of the battle,
the day goes on with more french fries and soda.
So I Say…"
-"KRS-One Speech" by KRS-One
I spent a lot of time adding to this Chapter. Please read and review…don't let my efforts go to waste.
In this chapter the above mentioned GGs are at the above mentioned establishment in Shibuya Terminal. Odd conversations are started when a cashier cops an attitude. It's my first attempt at writing, so it pretty much goes nowhere…please don't let this be the fic by which you judge my later work. In fact skip this and go straight to the Halloween series…maybe No Jumper Cables.
It was a hot day in the middle of August.
No surprise there.
While everyone else was around Tokyo doing whatever it is they do when they're alone (to name a few: Garam was working on Roboy, Soda was picking up girls, and Yoyo was sitting in the GGs' newly acquired HQ, stuffing ice into his underwear…the heat really got to him) the four C's and Gum were at the McDonalds' in Shibuya Terminal.
More along the lines of humiliating than funny.
Clutch was quite sure of what he had ordered. He even checked the receipt…three times. Double Quarter-pounder, no cheese, no mayonnaise, with mustard, he ran this through his mind several times. However when he bit into his burger, lo and behold it had no mustard and extra mayonnaise. He took it back to the counter, and asked them to fix his order. The problem was, the chick behind the register. No matter what he said to her she wouldn't do anything to help him. Clutch just couldn't understand what her problem was. The conversation went as follows:
"Hey, this isn't what I ordered, can you fix it?"
The cashier looked at him.
"Hey, you heard me didn't you?"
The cashier stared at him.
"I'm just askin' you to fix my order."
The cashier stared at him.
Clutch waved at her, "Hello?"
She waved back, and said nothing.
Clutch was getting irritated.
Cube asked Combo, "Should we tell him?"
"No he'll figure it out," was Combo's response.
Gum and Corn looked on.
"Hey, are you listenin'?"
She stared at him.
"You better answer me or somethin'."
"…" she cocked her head to the side.
Clutch was mad.
Cube and Combo were grinning.
Corn and Gum were shaking there heads.
"Girl, I know you hear me. You better speak!"
"…" the cashier walked away.
Clutch was pissed.
Cube and Combo were giggling.
Corn and Gum started eating.
"Don't walk away from me bitch!"
"…" the cashier looked back at him and shrugged.
"Don't you understand English?"
The cashier looked at him and shook her head, "no." It appeared that she did, in fact, understand the phrase "Don't you understand English."
Clutch stopped for a second. His anger subsided. Oh shit…was I speaking English?
Embarrassed, Clutch cleared his throat… and politely, in Japanese, asked the cashier to change his order and forgive him which, eventually, she did (change his order).
Gum and Corn looked up at each other, and they finally accomplished, with a single thought something that they had attempted several times since they were five, they formed a psychic link. Of course this was only temporary and only one thought crossed their collective mind: We aren't taking his ass anywhere again.
Combo and Cube were laughing for about ten minutes after the incident. Their laughter eventually turned into gentle giggles at intervals but returned to full-blown laughter when Combo said "That language barrier's a bitch." It ended a few moments after Cube asked him a question: "How could you not know you were speaking English?"
The GG's tell a few jokes. I spent most of my time on their reactions to the jokes. The actual jokes are bold print. Just Plug in whomever you want for the other comments. I suggest you re-read the bold areas so you'll get the jokes.
A little while later the laughter had stopped and everyone in the restaurant had seemingly forgotten about the scene Clutch made. The GG's were still sitting at their table eating; there was no conversation of any kind. Corn decided that it was a little too quiet at the moment so he did what any normal person would do in that situation, he told a joke. He did what he usually does, he asked Gum if she had heard it before, she said no, and that opened the doors the first joke:
The Four-storied Building (Corn's Joke)
"Okay, so there's a four-storied building…"
"Where is it?"
"That's beside the point; the point is there's a four-storied building…"
"Is it an apartment building, a project, or an office building?"
"Apartment building, but listen there are four guys that live in this building…"
"Only four guys?"
"Dude, obviously there aren't just four people living there."
"Yeah what are you some kind of dumb ass?"
"…Anyway, there are four guys that live there. On the fourth floor there's a guy that likes to juggle knives and axes and shit…"
"Wait…he juggles knives, axes…and shit?"
"But you just said…"
"I meant similar items."
"Similar to what?"
"Dude just shut up."
(In unison) "Just shut up!"
"Okay, okay… (under breath) assholes."
"On the third floor there's a guy with a peeing problem."
"A peeing problem? What like a bladder infection or some shit like that?"
"The joke isn't that specific."
"Does he have the clap? Cause that really isn't necessarily a urinary problem."
"I doubt it's the clap. It really is more of more of a bladder infection type thing."
"I knew it."
"Shut up, on the second floor there's a guy that just paints things green all day…"
"Hold up, he paints things green? All day?"
"Yes all day, and on the bottom floor there's a guy that loves pickles."
"Yeah okay pickles, great, but back up…is the green dude retarded or something?"
"Nigga! That's messed up."
"You aint s'posed to call 'em that man, you s'posed to call 'em 'mentally challenged'."
"The fuck's the difference? They don't know what you callin' 'em."
"That's just mean."
"Getting' off topic here. Where was I?"
"Oh yeah… so anyway, one day…"
"I think I might have trouble keeping up with this joke."
"Well unless I put a face on the people in a joke like this, I won't be able to keep up."
"(sigh)…okay, Garam's on the top floor, Beat's on the third floor, Soda's on the second floor, and Yoyo's on the ground floor."
"So Garam juggles knives and shit, Beat has a peeing problem, Soda paints things green, and Yoyo eats pickles?"
"I think I see where this is going but I won't say anything."
"Good, anyway one day Garam's Juggling Knives. He gets a phone call and he looks at the phone. He isn't paying attention and, along with almost slicing his fingers off, he accidentally let's a knife go, and it flies out of his window…"
"Fuckin' Garam indeed…so said knife flies out of said window and drops down. Now as this is happening, Beat's throwing a party and there's a long ass line to the bathroom. He sees the window and just says 'fuck it' and starts pissin' out the window…"
"I was right…"
"That does sound like somethin' beat would do."
"Indeed, so as Beat's pissin', the knife's fallin' and it cuts off his dick…"
"How did it not miss such a small target?"
They all stared at Gum.
"What are you tryin' to say about Beat, Gum?"
"Y'know I always suspected that but I never said anything. I mean how many guys wear pants that tight?"
Everyone just grinned. How could Beats' girlfriend just betray his secret like that?"
"Back to the joke, the knife slices his tiny little needle-dick (he smiled at Gum when he said that) and his prick falls to the ground. Soda's paintin' somethin' green in his apartment, he stops payin' attention and sticks his paint brush out the window, and Beats' prick lands on it and rolls off, so now it's green."
"Wait…that doesn't make any sense."
"Well first: what would take Sodas' attention away from what he was painting?"
"Well, the guy doesn't exactly have the worlds' longest attention span."
"Granted, but I've seen him paint, when he's doing that he concentrates like a damn laser beam."
"Taggin' aint the same thing as paintin', but I'll give you that one."
"Cool, second: what would he be painting near a window?"
"A wall I guess."
"But if he loves green so much why hasn't he painted that wall already?"
"…Uh…can I just finish this joke please?"
"Go right ahead."
"Okay for this next part you have to assume Beats' dick is at least three inches long when flaccid (they all looked at Gum, who shook her head). Wow, well let's just say it is. It rolls off the brush and falls. Yoyo looks out the window and checks for rain…"
"OH GOD NO!"
"It lands in his hand and he says 'hey a pickle!'"
They all stared at him in disbelief.
"I'll let you take a wild guess at what happened next."
"Wait…how likely is it that they would all live right on top of each other?"
"Probably zero…anyone else got a joke?"
The Suppository (Clutch's Joke)
After about a minute of silent giggling
"Okay…I have one. This guy is constipated and his wife suggests that he goes to see his doctor about it. And let's say the guy is…Beat, his wife is Gum and the doctor is Hayashi."
"Why do I get a bad feeling about this joke?"
"Because you know me and you know what I like to do?"
"Why does it seem like every joke you guys tell involves Beat?"
"Because he's an easy target."
"Oh yeah…I guess you're right."
"Anyway the guy goes to see his doctor. The doctor checks him out and he says to him 'It's pretty serious. In fact it's the worst case of constipation I've seen in quite some time."
"You mean to tell me he's actually seen bad cases of constipation before?"
"Well he's a proctologist."
"A what now?"
"A proctologist…a doctor that specializes in your prostate."
He was answered with a blank stare.
"So this guy went to medical school to learn about problems people have with their asses?"
"No hang on…let me see if I can wrap my brain around this…He went to high school, graduated, went to college, did four years, came back for four more years, and graduated after eight years of college…so he could help people who have problems with their asses?"
"Uh…yeah, I guess…"
"What an asshole…"
"Look can I finish the joke?"
"So the guy…"
"You said the guy was Beat right?"
"Oh…oh yeah, right. Uh…Beat asks the doctor, Hayashi, if there's anything he can do for him and Hayashi says 'As a matter of fact I can…I have a suppository that can help you with your constipation…"
"It's a pill you shove up your ass."
"Oh right sorry…"
"Now Beat asked Hayashi if there was any other way and Hayashi told him that the only way that didn't involve a suppository or an enema was surgery. Beat agrees to take the suppository, Hayashi gives him one…if you catch my drift…and says to him 'I'm gonna need you to take one of these every twelve hours for a week.' He gives him thirteen more and sends him home."
"Just to clarify, he did put one in his ass right?"
Three people at different tables looked over towards them quite disgusted. Was this a conversation to have while eating?
"(sigh) Yes. Anyway it's twelve hours later and Beat has to use another suppository so he goes to Gum, his wife, and asks her to…you know (makes a circle with his index and thumb then passes his other index through the circle)."
"Gum, don't make a scene. Just put the suppository up Beats ass…(Giggles)"
The others got a good chuckle out of this also.
"How dare you!"
"Anyway she agrees…"
"The hell I do!"
"And she puts one hand on his shoulder and the suppository in his ass. Then Beat starts to freak out."
"Gum asks him what's wrong. So Beat says 'You know how you only had one hand on my shoulder?' She says yeah. Beat starts to cry."
"What a bitch."
"So anyway…Gum asks him again 'What's wrong?' 'When the doctor, whom I remind you is Hayashi…I can't stress that enough, when the doctor gave me the suppositories he put one in too…' So Gum looks at him and says 'Yeah so?' Now Beat looks her in the eyes and says 'When he gave it to me he had both of his hands on my shoulders!'"
"Oh my GOD!"
"That's so Fuckin' nasty!"
"Heh heh…right in the dookie-door."
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Beat got raped!"
Many other McDonald's customers gasped at the sudden outburst of "…Ha Ha! Beat got raped!"
The Black Guy, White Guy and Mexican Guy in Hell (Cube's Joke)
"Okay I know a joke..."
There were looks of shock and horror.
"You don't seem like the type to know a joke."
"…Fuck you. So the jokes about a Black guy, White guy and Mexican guy…but since we're kind of sticking with a theme here…Combo (she looks at Combo) you're the Black guy…"
" …Beat's the White guy…"
"I'm sticking with the theme so yes, and Corn you get to be the Mexican guy."
She looked at Corn blankly "…Whatever. Also I don't remember the joke that well, so please try not to interrupt me or I'll end up telling it wrong."
"(in unison) Okay."
"All right…There's a Black guy, a White guy and a Mexican guy. Now Beat, the White guy suspects his wife she points at Gum of cheating on him. Every night he comes home from work he hears what sounds like her having sex, but when he comes inside there's nobody there with her. However he does suspect a Black guy, Combo of fuckin' her because whenever he thinks she's had sex the window's open and he can see Combo on the fire escape below him."
Cube paused there. She was lost in thought.
"Nothing, just hang on…"
"You don't remember the joke, do you?"
"Come on, quit stallin' (snaps fingers)"
It was then that Cube Punched Clutch in the mouth.
"Ah! You bitch…"
"Okay I got it now…One day he decides to call home and tell Gum he's going to be working late. Instead of working late he leaves work two hours early. When Beat gets home he kicks the door in and he definitely hears her having sex. When he goes into his room the window's open and he sees Combo on the fire escape below him. Beat gets pissed."
"Where do I come in?"
"I'll get to you. Just shut up and let me finish…At the foot of their bed is a big trunk full of clothes, right."
"So Beat grabs the trunk and drags it over to the window and out onto the fire escape. Then he yells 'I'll kill you asshole!' at Combo. Combo leans over the railing on the fire escape so he can look up at Beat. When Combo looks up, Beat drops the trunk on him, but what he doesn't realize is that his shirt got caught on a nail. When he drops the trunk he falls too."
"Damn…hang on, let me drink in the irony…and there we go. Please continue."
"The trunk falls Beat goes over the rail and the trunk hits Combo sending him over the rail. They land in the street and Combo is crushed by the trunk and Beat lands on a car runs over the trunk."
"Jesús Cristo, that's fuckin' hilarious."
"Ten minutes later, Beat and Combo are standing at the gates of Hell."
"Why'd I go to Hell…he killed me!"
"Shut up…There's a demon at the gate signing people in. He looks at Beat and says 'What are you hear for?' to which Beat replies 'I came home early and caught this bastard fuckin' my wife but when I killed him I accidentally died in the process.'
The demon writes that down and looks at Combo and asks 'So he killed you right?' to which Combo replies 'Yeah, I was exercising on my fire escape minding my own business. This dude called out to me then dropped a trunk on me and killed me!'"
"'Sounds like a misunderstanding to me…How about you, how did you die?' The Demon points in between Beat and Combo, who turn to see Corn standing behind them bare ass naked…"
"Yes naked…Corn looks at both Combo and Beat then at the Demon and says 'I was having sex with this girl and some guy broke in. So she tells me to get into this trunk at the foot of the bed and stay there. I get in then I feel myself moving and I hear somebody yell something, then the next thing I know I'm here!'"
Clutch, Combo and Corn all laughed Gum just stared, mouth open, in complete shock.
Her only thought: Oh shit, does Cube know about that?
I hope you enjoyed that...if you ignored my request to skip it. Read and review.