Title: Men Are Idiots
Summary: Konoha's finest ninjas are after Sakura! But why? And what does our favorite, lovable fifth Hokage have anything to do with it?
Length: 3,000 +
Genre: Comedy/Slight Romance...not really...
A/N: Don't worry, this is only an introduction. The real stories will be coming up in the next chapter. And trust me when I say, it's not as silly as the introduction. There will be drama, comedy, and hopefully much more. And if you have a problem with my grammar and spelling, then I am sorry to say that I have no talent when it comes to english. So please bear with it and enjoy!
Introduction: The True Fact: Men are Idiots
Being the apprentice of a Hokage isn't as easy as it looks. Sure you'll become stronger than ever, and have rights to do practically anything you want. But when it comes to errands, Sakura couldn't be any weaker.
" Sake again," she grumbled carrying four boxes of empty bottles of alcohol wasn't exactly the best thing to do when walking the streets of Konoha.
People were staring, thinking Sakura, SAKURA, was a crazy alcohal maniac! Sakura sighed. This happens every single day. If only they knew their precious Hokage was the drinking adict.
" SAKURA-CHYAAN!" she sighed again.
Naruto bounced up and down trying to get Sakura's attention. " What?" she moaned.
Naruto gave Sakura a look that wasn't exactly the happiest one. " Have you been drinking again?"
Sakura was in a rage, " It wasn't me!" she managed not to beat Naruto into a living pulp.
" Hehe," Naruto nervously backed away, " It's just, Tsunade baachan's been mentioning a lot lately about your bad drinking habits, and well...," he kept backing away while watching Sakura turn into a red crazy woman.
" Tsunade-sensei...," she growled holding a tight grip. " Are you seriously...taking...her...words...over...mine?" she bit out.
Naruto nervously laughed, " Okay, okay!" he put his hands up just incase...
Sakura kept walking towards him until Naruto felt the wall right behind him. " Now, why are you bothering me?" she eyed him.
Naruto gulped, " Y-You wanna go on a date?" he looked terrified.
Sakura quirked an eyebrow. " What about Hina-,"
" Okay! Meet me at Ichiraku's early in the morning! See ya!" he ran off.
Sakura was way beyond confused. " I am so not meeting him at that stupid ramen stand," she snorted and threw the boxes of empty bottles away.
That night, the weirdest thing happen.
Sakura was just about relaxed and she sighed, dozing off on her comfortable bed. She was just about out of it until something appeared next to her bedroom window. " AH!" she backed away clutching her sheets against her half naked body.
" Yo," a muffled voice from outside muttered.
Sakura gaped and slowly opened her window, " K-Kakashi-sensei," she gasped.
" Wanna go out?" he casually asked.
" NO!" Sakura shut her window down.
" NO!" she closed the window curtains.
A few minutes later, Sakura peeked through her curtains to see if Kakashi was still there. Sighing, she finally had her nights peace without any interuption.
" What was that all about?" she dozed into sleepland.
The next morning:
" Ohayo Sakura!" Kiba jogged his way towards Sakura.
" Mm...ohayo Kiba," she smiled.
Kiba had a flushed look on his face. Sakura noticed this and frowned.
" Are you feeling okay?" she asked.
Kiba nodded his head and nervously laughed. " Yeah! Of course!" and then he backed up and whispered in Akamaru's ear. " Don't ruin this for me," Akamaru barked.
" Kiba, is there something you wanted to say?" she tilted her head.
" YEA!" his hands started to sweat. " Ummm...do you want to spar?" he asked.
Sakura looked up at the clouds and thought, " Sure!"
Kiba smirked, " Yes, our first date," he muttered to himself.
But Sakura happened to hear and she had a panicked tone in her voice, " AH!" she looked at her watch. " I totally forgot! I have to...tie my shoes! Ja ne!" she quickly ran.
" W-WAIT!" Kiba shouted after her. He kicked the dirt scornfully, " This is all your fault, Akamaru!" he muttered at the dog which sat on Kiba's head.
' This is your own damn fault,' Akamaru thought in dog talk of course.
Sakura was found in the Hokage's personal training grounds working out, and building muscles for her petite body. Going on her four hundredth push up she had a strained look on her face.
" Four hundred and two!" she kept pushing herself.
This kept going until.
" Five hundred!" she fell on the ground but before she ever got a chance to fall on her perfectly shaped face, an enormous amount of sand caught her from falling. This could only mean one thing, " Gaara?" she turned around.
And there was the cold hearted Kazekage himself. But this time, his face had no hint of coldness at all. Instead, he wore a worried look.
Sakura's eyes thinned. 'That is the fakest worried look ever,' she thought as Gaara walked closer.
" You look tired," his voice was strained. Probably from nervousness.
" Umm...yeah," words weren't so common when you're around Gaara.
" You look good in sweat," his arms were crossed,
Sakura gaped, " Thanks...?" she gave Gaara a look.
" I like your...way of training," he paused for a while.
Sakura sweat dropped. Gaara wasn't the best on giving people compliments. " I...appreciate that?" she inwardly shrugged to herself. What's going on with men nowadays?
" So...," his eyes went back to normal...cold. " since I said that, do you want to go out?" Sakura blanked out.
" Go...out...," he bit out.
Sakura continued to gape. Since when was Gaara the one to...beg?
" I'm busy...," Sakura nervously backed away.
" So? Take a break,"
" I-I...I have to go!" she made a move to run for it! Then sand squeezed around Sakura's ankle to prevent her from running away. Sakura's mouth opened, " Oh no he didn't!" she made a fist.
Running up to Gaara, she lifted her fist, and with all her strength...
Sakura successfully got away. Gasping for air, she wandered off at Konoha's finest fields of green and sighed. She sprawled across of the grass and smiled.
" Finally, some peace and quiet," she turned to her side and gasped loudly, " Shikamaru?" her eyes popped out of her sockets.
Shikamaru gave her a bored look and laid on his arms. " What's up?" he looked boringly into Sakura's amazing green eyes.
Sakura kept herself as far away from Shikamaru as possible. 'Please let him be normal!' she constantly thought to herself. " H-Hi," she smiled nervously." what are you doing here?" she innocently asked.
Shikamaru shrugged, " Looking at the clouds," he simply responded.
Sakura sighed with relief. 'He's normal,' happily looking up at the clouds,
It was quiet for a while, until Shikamaru asked,
" You want to you out with me?"
" AH!" Sakura punched the lights out of the poor Nara boy.
The same afternoon:
Sakura stomped furiously down the streets of Konoha. What's gonig on? Why is everybody being so...weird? It has to be the evil work of Tsunade...probably not. She dropped to the ground and crossed her arms.
It was awkward for the pink-haired kunoichi to be sitting in the middle of the streets. People were looking at her and she couldn't care less.
She was about to scream with fury, but a certain raven haired boy walked up to her. " Sakura, what are you doing?" Sakura looked up and her eyes went into sparkle mode.
Now there was one guy who would never dream of going out with Sakura. " Sasuke-kun!" she had a look of relief. " I'm so glad," she sighed.
Sasuke gave her a weird look and crossed his arms, " How about I treat you to some ice cream, maybe that'll calm you down," he almost had a look of regret. Sakura mouth opened. " C'mon, I'll take you on a dat-,"
" NO!" Sakura snapped and ran away. When she was about a good twenty feet away from Sasuke she stuck out a tongue. " BAKA! I wouldn't go out with you if my life depended on it!" she continued to run.
Sasuke sweat dropped. " There goes my back rub," ?
Sakura really wondered what was going on now. This is getting really serious, was the whole town struck with love potion? Sakura nodded her head, that had to be it.
Walking her way up to the Konoha's public training grounds, she saw Lee running up to her with a hand full of beautiful flowers. " Sakura-san!" he had stars in his eyes.
Sakura sighed, " Well, this is normal...but isn't Lee dating-,"
" Sakura-san!" Lee finally reached her. " Flowers for you!" he handed Sakura the flowers.
" Umm...," Sakura hesitantly took it thinking it might be poisoned. " thanks...," she muttered.
Lee did a thumbs up. " And about our date! I was thinking-,"
" Idiot," Neji appeared from behind. " she's not going out with you,"
Sakura was about the mouth Neji a thank you, until...
" She's going out with me,"
Sakura's reaction? Let's just say she's been gaping a lot lately. " A-Are you guys crazy?" she mumbled.
" I knew it!" Lee made funny gestures with his body. " You betrayer!"
" Shut up," Neji's voice was emotionless.
" I can't believe you'd betray your best friend like that!" he pointed at Neji, his finger shaking. " The spring time of youth will never be on your side!"
By the time Neji finished throwing insults at Lee, Sakura had already been running, leaving the dust behind her.
Sakura wrapped a thin piece of towel around her body and sat on the edge of the bathtub. Sakura was having a real problem: dealing with the idiots in this town.
" Even Sasuke's acting a bit strange," she grumbled, drying her hair with the hair dryer that sat next to the sink.
Sakura was about to groan a loud groan until the bathroom door flew open.
" AH!" she clutched the towel that kept herself from revieling anything. " S-Shino!" she had a questioning look on her face.
Shino held a tiny smirk on his face, but that soon ended when he saw the half naked Sakura, shocked with horror. He turned around with a blush on his face and nervously coughed. " Umm...I see you're busy,"
" I'm naked for crying out loud!" Sakura shrieked.
" Do you want to go on a date with me?"
Sakura turned Shino towards the bathroom window and kicked him, sending him flying. " AND STAY OUT!" she waved a fist. And when she turned around...
" KANKURO!" she gasped in terror.
" You want to date me-AHHHH!"
Sakura grabbed him by the collar and threw him out the window. " ALL OF YOU!" she shouted from her window making sure the whole world could hear her. " LEAVE ME ALONE!" she shut the window.
Then ten desperate men of Konoha gathered in a circle and glared at eachother.
" So, I heard you guys were bothering Sakura-chan?" Naruto crossed his arms
" That goes for you too," Sasuke gave him a deadly look.
" She'll never date you!" Lee pointed his finger at Neji.
" Shut up," Neji was once again, held no emtion.
" Gaara, what happened to your face?" Kankuro gave Gaara a weird look.
" Shut up," It was Gaara's turn to be emtionless.
It was three in the afternoon and so far, everyone in Konoha were giving Sakura weird looks. Trying to ignore the stares people were giving her, she quietly walked herself down the empty streets of Konoha and found herself in the presence of ten desperate men.
" W-What are you guys doing here?" Sakura backed away.
Naruto, Kakashi, Kiba, Gaara, Shikamaru, Sasuke, Lee, Neji, Shino, and Kankuro stood right infront of her and crossed their arms. " Sakura, you have to pick one," Kakashi spoke.
" Which is it going to be?" Shikamaru spoke.
Sakura was totally confused. " What are you talking about?" she backed away until she stood leaning on a pole.
" Out of all ten of us, which one are you going to date!" Lee's fist tightened, in hope.
Sakura's mouth opened, preparing to say something, until something yelled, "SAKURA!" from the skies. Sakura along with the boys looked up and saw Chouji falling hundreds of feet into the sky. A parachute opened, spelled with the words...
But all of a sudden a plane came crashing towards Chouji, causing him to smash! And then a puff of white smoke appeared.
" A shadow clone," everyone muttered.
Chouji came from behind with his hands shoved in his pockets. " Figures that wouldn't work," he sighed.
Major Sweat drops.
" Now all of you! I want an explanation-," she happened to be leaning on something rough. A piece of paper?
Sakura turned around and tore the paper that was glued to the pole. She gasped, noticing a picture of her in a bikini. " Uh oh," the eleven menmuttered looking in different directions and whistled nervously.
" What the heck is this," a deadly growl escaped from her pink lips.
FREE PRIZE IF YOU WIN A DATE WITH SAKURA HARUNO!
The flier was written in big bold words. " Is this the reason why you wanted to go out with me!" she scowled at the pathetic bunch that stood nervously infront of her.
" Keep reading," they mumbled.
" YOU WENT THROUGH ALL THAT TROUBLE JUST TO WIN FIVE STINKIN' BUCKS?" she shouted with fury.
The guys looked down with shame, " Keep reading," the repeated.
Sakura gave them all a bitter look and continued to read...
PLUS! A HEALTHY MASSAGE FROM THE ALMIGHT, HIGH RANKING HOKAGE HERSELF!
A picture of a smirking Hokage at the bottom of the flier in bright colors stood out the most. Watching her peace sign really made Sakura frown. 'So, it was Tsunade-sensei's doing! Hell NO!' Inner Sakura waved a fist in the air.
" This is pure idiotic!" the men backed away from the crazy fiery kunoichi. " Five dollars, you could find on the streets!" she scolded the men. " Besides, when she hands you the five dollars, she'll probably expect you to buy her a glass of sake,"
She shook her head at the poor excuses for ninjas and said,
" I knew something was wrong, most of you are in relationships," she sighed, " Naruto, aren't you dating Hinata?" Naruto bowed his head with shame, " and Kakashi-sensei, you're married aren't you?" Kakashi flushed behind his mask, " Shikamaru, you have a good relationship with Temari, and Chouji, you're doing fine with Ino," Sakura told him. " Kankuro, you don't even like girls," Kankuro nodded his head,
" That's true,"
" Lee, you have a good thing going on with Tenten. Shino, you're having a long distance relationship with a girl from Suna, Kiba, so are you, right?" Shino and Kiba nodded their heads. " Neji, Sasuke, Gaara," she finally came across the three. " you three once told me you were too good for women," the three looked at eachother and shrugged.
" And about the massage," she muttered.
The eleven boys looked like they were about to go to heaven, a massage from the Hokage, they never experienced, but after long, hard, and tough missions, they wouldn't mind a relaxing massage.
" Kiba, isn't your sister a medic-nin?"
" Veterinarian," he corrected.
" Whatever," Sakura muttered. " get her to massage your back!"
Kiba laughed nervously.
" And Gaara," the red head gave her a look. " you're Kazekage for crying out loud! You're at the same rank as Hokage, massage your own damn self!"
Gaara looked away and crossed his arms.
" As for the rest of you," she walked closer to the crowd of terrified ninjas. " getting a massage from hokage," she warned them in a frightening voice. " means breaking your back,"
The eleven men looked at eachother and fell to their knees. " WE'VE BEEN TRICKED!" the cried.
Then...they heard something they didn't really want to hear and saw something they didn't really want to see. Sakura cracked her knuckles and gave the boys a deathly glare.
" Uh oh," Naruto knew that glare too well. " that look...," he choked,
" What?" Sasuke crossed his arms, " the look of pink?"
" The look of a girl wanting to get naked?" Kakashi.
" The look of murder?" Gaara
" The look of ten years of training?" Neji
" The look of a castle made of chips?" Chouji.
" The look of youth?" Lee
" The look of dogs sniffing other dogs butts?" Kiba
" The look of...nothing?" Shikamaru
" The look of ants crawling in your pants?" Shino
" The look of a water filled with sharks, wanting to rip the guts out of a bunny rabit? Or could it be a Neji, disco dancing with bell bottoms! Or how about Sasuke wearing a pink tutu. Ha! That would've been a funny sight," Kankuro laughed.
Everyone stared at the make up wearing loon with question marks above their heads, especially Neji and Sasuke.
" I...was...forget it," his head tilted down.
" No," Naruto looked at the pink Kunoichi with terror, " although Gaara was pretty close," Naruto grinned.
Sakura walked slowly towards the frightened boys. " I'm gonna...,"
" RUN!" Naruto yelled.
" AH!" the boys ran, ran as fast as their legs could possibly take them.
Kiba stumbled and hit the ground hard. " Go onwithout me!" he shouted.
" Gladly!" the ten terrifiedmen yelled.
" So much for team work," Kiba muttered.
Then he saw a shadow hovering over him and slowly turned his head. " AH!"
And this kept going, until Sakura took her revenge on every single boy who ever had the guts to ask her out. " Idiots!" she threw their unconsious bodies in the dumpsters.
A/N: Okay, that was a little weird for an introduction, but there it is! And please vote for a pairing for the next chapter! I was thinking of making four chapter stories about six pairings. And that would be, Sakura/Sasuke-Sakura/Naruto-Sakura/Neji-Sakura/Gaara-Sakura/Itachi-Sakura/Kakashi. Somultiply that with four and you get? That's right people, twenty-four chapters!
So when twenty four chapters come up, that means the end. I was actaully thinking of doing it in order from the most unpopular pairing, to the most popular pairing. So it wouldn't been in this order.
Sakura/Sasuke, Sakura/Naruto, Sakura/Kakashi, Sakura/Itachi, Sakura/Gaara, and Sakura/Neji.
But then I realized it would be much entertaining if the reviewers voted. So that's what I have finally decided. I want all of my reviewers to vote for the next pairing! So please choose wisely. And might I add, if you have a favorite pair, then save it for last.
VOTE: (in alphabetical order)