Disclaimer: Oh, go away.
Summary: The final chapter...you know, I really had no idea how long this was going to be...sorry for the wait. bleh. I'm bad at updates. Oh well. Enjoy!
"Flavor bean, Professor?"
"Yes, thank you very much," Professor Lupin took a red colored bean and popped it into his mouth. "Mm, cinnamon... Now let's get back to this engrossing film."
Fred grinned and used his wand to start up the movie again.
"Are they happy together? Could Draco Malfoy, Giantus Pratus of Hogwarts, have finally found true love?"
Malfoy stands casually next to Buckbeak, patting his beak disdainfully. "You're not dangerous at all, are you? Are you, you great ugly brute?"
"Well...perhaps not. Once again, we witness the ever present repulsive charms of the Giantus Pratus coming into effect."
Buckbeak reacts violently to Malfoy's question, rearing up on his hind legs and slashing viciously at Malfoy with his talons. Malfoy lets out a high pitched, girlish scream and falls to the ground.
Fred hissed through his teeth. "Every time we see that, it looks more painful. Don't you agree, George?"
George grinned and raised his wand. "Absolutley. Shall I?"
"Please don't!" Malfoy yelled from the back, grimacing as he rubbed his arm.
"What's wrong, Malfoy?" Ron called gleefully. "Still feeling the rejection?"
"Now, now, boys," Professor Lupin said calmly. "Let's not start another fight. I don't think any of you would like to have to be removed from the Hall."
Ron ducked his head and Malfoy fell silent. Harry grinned up at Professor Lupin and said, "Wow, sir. Things get a little less wild when you're around. Maybe we'll actually be able to watch the movie without these two howling at each other every other second!"
Professor Lupin nodded quickly and fixed his eyes resolutely on the screen. Hermione coughed slightly and covered a smile with her fist.
Malfoy writhes in pain on the ground, blood gushing from his arm as he moans, "I'm dying! I'm dying, look at me! It's killed me!"
"Fortune favors our young pratus, as his knight in shining...moleskin...rushes to his aid."
"Yer not dyin'!" Hagrid rushes over to Malfoy, scoops him up and carries him off to the castle.
"Aww... let's pause for a moment and watch the star crossed lovers ride off into the sunset..."
Hagrid carries Malfoy off to the school, framed against the bright sunlight as a large, bulky silhouette. Soft, romantic music plays in the background.
Harry was rolling on the floor, laughing helplessly.
Ron grinned broadly at his brothers. "Hagrid?" he exclaimed, "You two are shameless!"
"You know Hagrid can never see this," Fred stated unequivocally. "Or hear of this, or be in any way remotely aware that he was in this movie."
Harry was still gasping for breath on the floor.
"Boys," Professor Lupin said, trying to mask the twinkle in his eyes, "I think you should at least inform him that he is in the movie. You could be in serious trouble otherwise."
"Yes, sir. We'll try to tell him soon," George said, head down so the Professor wouldn't see his broad grin. Lupin's lips twitched.
"That's all I ask," he said, shaking his head almost fondly.
Harry finally sat up and, wiping the tears from his eyes, asked, "Why isn't Malfoy screaming at you right now?"
They all looked around at his chair. Crabbe was physically restraining a furiously struggling Malfoy while Goyle kept one hand clamped firmly over his mouth and Pansy whispered frantically at him. It didn't seem to be calming him any.
"Well, if he can't do anything, there's no reason to worry," Fred said reasonably, as Ron grinned and waved mockingly at Malfoy. The struggling increased. They could faintly hear enraged and muffled screams coming from between Goyle's fingers.
Hermione and Harry watched him incredulously for a moment, before Hermione shrugged and said, "Well, if it works..."
Harry nodded and they both turned back to watch the rest of the movie.
"There is a theory that suggests that the female of the Pratus' species is drawn to the injured, hurting male. It is as though they wish to 'nurse him back to health'. This theory is greatly romanticized in most dirty -er- romantic novels researched by the proprietors of this documentary. Perhaps, now that the Giantus Pratus has been injured, we can test this theory. Is he, in fact, more desirable with a shredded arm? Let's find out..."
Malfoy lays in a bed in the hospital wing, moaning and clutching his arm. Hagrid stands by anxiously as Madame Pomphrey checks him over and, after a few waves of her wand, pronounces him fine.
Malfoy continues to moan and groan in pain, and Pomphrey rolls her eyes and gives him a sling. Hagrid begins looking less anxious and more irritated.
"Well, well. It appears that no amount of pain and injury will keep potential mates from fleeing in disgust." George shook his head sadly. "Perhaps this Pratus will remain alone forever...perhaps he will go through life, repulsive and undesirable to woman, hippogriff and overlarge professor alike..."
Ron started snickering, but was stopped shortby a confusing development to his left.
"Awww!" Hermione and Ginny sighed in unison. "How sad!"
"Sad?" Ron asked incredulously. "Would one of you date him?"
Hermione's expression immediately switched from sappy to revolted. "Ugh, of course not! That's not right, Ron."
"Agreed," Ginny added helpfully. "But that doesn't mean we aren't allowed to feel bad for the bloke. You just have to pretend it isn't Malfoy."
Ron appeared completely stumped, and as though he was seconds away from throwing up his hands in confusion and stalking off. Harry blinked at them both, then furrowed his brow thoughtfully. "I suppose...if it wasn't Malfoy...that'd be a bit sad, yeah..."
Fred elbowed Harry and grinned at them all. "See! You three are drawn to the pathetic cripple!"
Harry bristled with indignation in a way that was so reminiscent of Hermione, it was a wonder she didn't sue for copyright infringement. "Excuse me?" he asked huffily. "I am not a girl!"
No one said anything. Harry looked around to see Ron and Hermione suppressing smiles and glancing at the twins, who were outright smirking.
"What?" he asked warily.
"Don't worry, Harry," Fred said reassuringly, still with that wickedly suspicious smirk on his face. "I promise you no one here will ever accuse you of being a girl."
"What? What do you mean? What- "
"And back to the movie!"
"Alas, it is true. The Giantus Pratus, by virtue of his kind, is repulsive to any and all potential mates, and will therefore be bitter and childless all his life. Take, for example, the alpha male Pratus of Hogwarts."
"No..." Hermione said, staring at the screen with wide eyes as something clicked in her head. "You didn't..."
Professor Lupin glanced at her, then up at the screen. He then turned around in his seat and scanned the back of the room for a moment. "He's not here," he said thoughtfully. "So I would estimate that, after showing this, you boys would have..." he checked his watch. "Half an hour to get somewhere safe and barricade yourselves in."
Fred and George nodded seriously and synchronized their watches.
Harry followed this conversation curiously as Ron craned his neck to see who wasn't standing at the back of the room.
"Who are they talking about?" he asked, snickering as he glanced over at Malfoy. "The git's still hog-tied by his cronies."
"Boys?" Professor Lupin asked as Fred and George finished their preparations.
"First of all, I think those three should hide as well," Professor Lupin said, waving his hand at Harry, Ron and Hermione. "And I wouldn't recommend Gryffindor Tower."
"Yes sir," Fred said solemnly. "We have other places we can go."
Professor Lupin smiled indulgently at him. "I'll bet you have."
"It sounds like they're about to go to war," Ron whispered to Harry.
"I think they might be," Hermione told them, picking up her bag and getting ready to run. "C'mon you guys."
Professor Snape appears on the screen in all his terrifying glory.
"Yes, the greatest Giantus Pratus of all, one Severus Snape. He is the goal to which all Prati aspire, the only Pratus with an entire Whomping Willow shoved up his...erm...posterior, and by far possessing the least facial expressions of any being that ever graced these hallowed halls."
Various snapshots of Professor Snape showed that, whether he was castigating a first year or having tea, his expression of disdainful scorn rarely changed.
"Well that's just weird," Harry muttered, staring up at the screen in open bewilderment and ignoring Hermione. "I never noticed it before, but he really does have only one or two facial expressions, doesn't he?"
"Yes, yes, it's all very mysterious. Harry, we have to get out of here!" Hermione grabbed him and Ron by the arms and started tugging them down the aisle toward the large doors at the end of the hall, through which Fred, George and several (presumably tattling) Slytherins had already dashed moments before.
"Why?" Ron asked unhappily. "We didn't do it! I want to see the rest!"
"If he can't find your brothers, you know he'll go after you next, and Harry and I by association!" Hermione was tugging harder now, and they were following mostly willingly. "He'll probably have us in detention for the rest of the year!"
"And we all know how much he loves picking on us..." Harry muttered irritably. "D'you think Fred and George'll give us free copies of the movie, you know, as we're apparently their unofficial scapegoats?"
"They'd better," Ron muttered crossly.
Harry caught the next few lines as he left the hall.
"It goes without saying that this is one Pratus who will never, ever procreate, to the immense relief of all those that are forced to endure his company. Now, unfortunately, this documentary has to be cut short, in order to give the directors time to flee the wrath of the most hostile (and hopefully sterile) Pratus they've ever come into contact with. As an offering to any disappointed viewers out there, the remainder of the movie will be gratuitous topless pictures of our favorite boy hero, with a slight twist.
Harry stopped dead at the doorway and turned to stare up at the screen.
"Harry! We have to GO!" Hermione cried desperately, tugging on his arm. "Hurry!"
"But! I! They! Bastards!" Harry seemed incoherent in his rage, and was not able to do much more than stare up at the screen. It was indeed topless pictures of Harry. But rather than just leave his body alone and leave it at that, Fred and George had somehow managed to turn it into the ending credits by pasting the indicated person's head onto Harry's shirtless body.
At the moment, the screen read, "Giantus Pratus - Draco Malfoy."
Harry, through his rage-induced haze, realized that the only other objection in the entire Hall was coming from Malfoy himself, who had been released and was complaining that he looked alot better than that topless, thank you very much. Everyone else seemed to be quite enjoying themselves, at least until the next person was introduced and pasted on.
"Alpha Pratus - Severus Snape."
It was at this point that Harry fled the (now revolted) Hall in terror and ran all the way to Fred and George's safehouse beneath the humpbacked witch. It wasn't until much, much later that he realized that the traumatized screams that allowed Professor Snape to find and punish the lot of them were his own.
The audience that remained in the Great Hall after that point was very small, and so it was only Professor Lupin and a few distressed Hufflepuffs that saw the very end of the movie:
A gruffly angelic dwarf marched down the corridor, singing 'His eyes are green as a fresh pickled toad…' at the top of his lungs. He supported one half of a large banner, three slashkilters carrying the other half and dancing gleefully. The banner flashed its message to the Hall: "This has been a production of WWP. WWP may be a sub-corporation of WWW. Some rights reserved. WWP is not responsible for any copyright infringement. The views represented in this film are not necessarily the beliefs of WWP. Any unauthorized distribution, copying, exhibition, replication, display, presentation, or reproduction of this film may be punishable by a small fine and/or life sentence to Azkaban. Donations always welcome."
A/N: And there you have it. Giantus Pratus. About the Snape's face thing. You understand if you've ever seen those slideshows about those two Hollywood...divas...for lack of a better word, who do the same thing. 'Tis truly disturbing...