This was done as a collaboration between myself andOcelott in response to the January 2006 Mandalorian Dueling Circle Challenge at KOTOR Fan Media.
Mission burst into the cockpit, her headtails trailing behind her. "Revan! Revan! You gotta come quick!"
Revan and Carth both turned around. Revan stood up from the co-pilot's chair and laid a hand on the teenage twi'lek's shoulder. "Calm down, Mission. It's the middle of the night. You're going to wake everyone up. Now, what is it? What's happened?"
Mission fidgeted a little. "It's… You'll never believe me. You've gotta come see. Both of you."
Revan exchanged a puzzled look with Carth, then shrugged. "Okay. We're coming."
Mission led the way into the main hold of the Ebon Hawk, her movements swift and agitated. When Revan and Carth got there, the sight before them halted all motion.
HK-47 teetered precariously off-balance with one arm slung around Canderous's neck. A gizka was perched atop the mildly psychotic assassin droid, looking extremely put out.
"Statement: You Man'alor'ins aren't a bad sort, y'know that?" HK slurred.
"Confession: You are… m'favorite meatbag."
Revan stared at HK but directed her question to Mission. "What's going on?"
"I don't know," Mission answered. "I think something's corrupted his programming."
"You think?" Carth asked. "He's acting… acting…"
"Drunk," Revan finished.
Mission continued to stare at the droid, her eyes wide. "Ye-eah, I guess you could say that."
Carth frowned. "Why is there a gizka on his head?"
"Who the Force knows," Mission answered.
Their voices alerted HK to their presence. "Greeting: It's Master and the twi'l… twi—the blue meatbag! And the Republic meatbag! HIYA!" The droid waved his unoccupied hand wildly.
Nobody had an answer for HK.
"Explanation: Blue meatbag, this here is m'fav'rite meatbag." HK started to swagger a bit, the gizka almost falling off his head. HK raised a hand. "Now, I only known him for awhile, and he might be a meatbag, but he 'njoy carnage, scho as meatbags go, he's a fine schpecimen." HK turned back to Canderous. "Statement: I love ya, Cardona."
The Mandalorian cleared his throat. "My name is Canderous."
HK took a step backwards and threatened to fall over. The gizka squawked. "Query: Wha—?"
Revan turned to Mission. "How did this happen?" she hissed.
"I told you, I don't know!" Mission's whisper was bewildered.
"Someone should go find out," Revan whispered back.
"He's your droid," Carth pointed out.
Revan glared at him, but after a moment sighed and conceded. HK-47 was, after all, more likely to answer questions posed by his Master.
"Query: How 'bout a hug, Candy?"
Canderous pushed the droid away. "Get OFF me!"
HK staggered backwards. The gizka squawked.
Revan tried to intervene. "HK? HK, are you feeling okay?"
HK rocked back and forth. "Answer: Ne'er better!" He turned to the side and banged into the wall, knocking the gizka off his head "Apology: Sorry. Greeting: Hiya!" HK waved to the wall.
Revan tried again. "HK, what were you doing before you… declared your love for Canderous?"
Canderous sneered at Revan's choice of words.
HK continued to stare at the wall. "Answer: I was…" A strange noise came from HK's voice box.
Carth raised an eyebrow. "Is he… giggling?"
"I was on… on the holonet." HK started to mechanically laugh hysterically.
"Did you… did you download something, HK?" Revan asked cautiously.
"Statement: Downloading off the holonet is…" HK stopped short, staring at the gizka which had previously been on his head. "Exclamation: There are so many of you! Stop multiplying! STOP!" HK cocked his assault rifle. "Declaration: TARGET PRACTICE!"
"HK, NO!" Revan ran over to the droid.
"Statement: You are correct, Master. This would be a waste." HK dropped his rifle. Revan sighed in relief, picked up the rifle, and handed it to Canderous.
"Statement: I shall retrieve the flamethrower. Be right back, Master!"
Revan closed her eyes and put her hands to her head as if she had a headache. "No, HK! No flame-throwing the gizka!"
"Plea: But Master, they barbeque so nicely."
"NO! No, just… just no!"
"Angst: Master doesn't love me!"
"Master won't… lemme shoot meatbags… won't lemme shoot gizka…"
"Master wouldn't even go back and lemme kill Yuka Laka!" HK-47 stopped his foot. "Whining Statement: You promised, Master!"
Revan sighed heavily. At least HK wasn't slurring his words anymore. Maybe that was a good thing? Although, she would gladly take his slurring over his temper tantrum any day. "Mission, would you get T3 for me?"
Mission nodded and ran off.
HK stared at the passage where the twi'lek had disappeared. "Exclamation: Pink banthas! Headed for the cargo bay!"
"The cargo bay, is it?" Canderous stood up, backing away from HK. "I'll just… go check that out." He vanished nearly as soon as the words had escaped his mouth.
Revan took a deep breath. "HK, why don't you just sit down—"
"Query: Where would you like me to sit?" HK asked, spinning around.
Carth sighed. "Anywhere," he said. "Find a chair."
HK stopped spinning. "Greetings: Hello, Republic meatbag! You look terrific in orange!"
Carth blinked. "Uh… thanks."
"Master thinks so, too," HK nodded. He started to spin again. "Master talks about you in her sleep."
Carth turned to Revan. Revan turned three shades of red. "HK—"
HK moaned in a pitch-perfect reproduction of Revan's voice. "Imitation: Oh, Carth! Carth! Oh! Oh, you're so—"
"HK-47!" Revan screamed. "STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY!"
HK stopped spinning and crashed on the floor. He held his head in his hands, odd servo noises bursting forth like pitiful, mechanical sobs. "Depression: Master doesn't love me!"
To Revan's relief, Mission re-appeared with T3 in tow. "T3, I need your help," Revan said. "We think HK downloaded a virus off the holonet, and it corrupted his vocabulator and motor skills. Can you run a diagnostic so we can determine which anti-virus he needs? I need the program as quickly as possible."
"Wail: Master doesn't love her own droid! Oh, what a world, what a world."
T3 booped and beeped and began to make a whirring sound as he complied with Revan's request. He moved over to HK to link up to the droid.
Carth moved closer to where Revan stood. "So you talk about me in your sleep, do you?"
At this point, Revan's three shades of red multiplied, turning exceptionally deep and vibrant. "I really hate that droid," she muttered.
Carth grinned. "I'll take that as a yes."
"I, uh, think I'm gonna go check the holonet logs and see where HK went…"
Carth grinned. "No problem." Casually, Carth walked over to the copper droid sitting in the middle of the common area. "So HK, tell me what else Revan says about me in her sleep."
HK continued to sob. "Answer: Oh, Master says many—"
"On second thought," Revan interrupted, "maybe it's better if I stay here and help T3 with the diagnostic. We don't want two corrupted droids." She began to walk briskly across the room.
Carth leaned closer to HK. "As you were saying, she says what…?"
"Answer: Master moans your name in her—"
"One more word outta you, ya homicidal tin can, and I'm shoving you out an airlock!" Revan snapped.
"My audio receptors!" HK wailed.
Suddenly HK jerked, then fizzled as his eyes dimmed. He slumped forward. T3 beeped.
Carth took a step back from the droid, a smile playing across his lips as he glanced in Revan's direction.
Revan sighed. "Thank you, T3." She shot a look at Carth, who gave her a rakish grin. Revan took a deep breath and turned back to the astromech droid. "You got it, T3? And you can fix him, right?"
"Good. I'll leave you to it then." Revan sighed. "I think I'm gonna go lie down."
"Can I listen?" Carth asked.
Revan's eyes narrowed. "Shove it, spacer."