So here it is, the story that won in the poll on what to post first in my last Naruto story. For the purposes of this story, everyone's three years older than what they were in the beginning, and Sasuke's back from Orochimaru, who will probably have no true role in this story unless I decide to bring him in for crack. This plotline came after brainstorming for a sequel for my Teen Titans story, Voice Problems. Check it out on my profile if you want, plenty of random humor in a steady (but short) plotline. After this story is done, I'll have to write up that Inuyasha/Naruto crossover that the other people wanted to read first instead of this one.
Team 7 was waiting in a small clearing inside the forest area of Konoha, waiting for their beloved Kakashi-sensei to arrive with one of his lame excuses to explain why he was late.
"Yo!" Kakashi said as he came into the clearing three hours past the appointed time. "Somehow my head got stuck in the toilet this morning-"
"LIAR!" Sakura and Naruto screamed out in unison as they pointed to him accusingly.
"Ah well," Kakashi shrugged. "For today's training-"
He was interrupted once more as a high-pitched voice shrilly yelled, "Ooooooh Kaka-chan!"
You could practically hear the sounds of a broken record player as Kakashi's visible eye widened in comical (but true) fear.
A blur sprang out of the trees and crashed right in Kakashi, knocking him to the ground. The blur turned out to be a woman, snuggling next to Kakashi in a way that Ino did to Sasuke whenever she got the chance. Not to mention that Kakashi looked absolutely terrified, as he managed to scoot himself from under her and back himself into a tree in a flash.
"Holy shit!" Kakashi nearly screamed in a very un-Kakashi-ishly way. "I thought I never had to see you ever again in my life!"
The woman giggled in an annoying fashion. "Ah Kaka-chan, I know you missed me."
"Ka-" Sasuke found himself smirking.
"Ka-" Sakura could barely stifle her giggles behind a hand while Inner Sakura was laughing her guts out.
"CHAN!" Naruto didn't even try to stop himself as he fell on his knees and began to beat the ground with his fists.
The woman had shoulder-length black hair that was pulled in a high ponytail. Her eyes were brown and glittered mischievously, and her tongue was almost seemed to be permanently stuck outside her mouth. She wore a sleeveless black kimono whose skirt barely reached her mid thigh with a narrow blue sash around her waist. Of course, she had the standard kunai holster, the pouch on her waist, and blue sandals. What quickly got everyone's attention though, was the scratch on the leaf insignia on the hitai-ate she wore around her forehead.
"You're a missing-nin!" Sakura was first to point out the obvious.
"Her name is Akuma Yumeko," Kakashi said as he shakily got to his feet, barely hiding the fear in his voice. "She abandoned Konoha when she was thirteen, fourteen years ago-"
"Because I got bored pranking up the same geezers every day!" the woman finished off for him, folding her arms. "I pretty much got all the Hidden Villages all ready, except one, so I decided to come here and visit my old boyfriend!"
"She was your girlfriend!" Sakura said as she pointed to her in disbelief.
"No, she was my stalker," Kakashi snapped back at her. "She'd always follow me around everywhere whenever she wasn't dropping stink bombs in the streets ever since she could walk."
"Wow, she's more obsessive over you than Sakura and Ino have over Sasuke," Naruto grinned, which promptly earned him a bop on the head from the pink-haired kunoichi.
"No kidding," Kakashi said. "She always scared me whenever she latched herself to me like another limb."
"Ah Kakashi, I know you still love me," Yumeko winked at him, who immediately shuddered. "Besides, I'm the only girl who you ever came on time for a date!"
"You actually came on time for a date with her," Sasuke said in shock.
"Only because she blackmailed me with pictures she somehow took of me without my mask," Kakashi said coldly.
"She's good," Naruto said, almost respectively.
"She's still a missing-nin, so we have to take her back to the village for sentencing," Sasuke said as he reached into his holster for a kunai.
"HA! Nobody every got me this whole time, so what makes you think that you can get me?" Yumeko said cheerfully as she put her hands together to form the seal of the rat.
Naruto was the first to charge in towards her, drawing a kunai out, ready to stab her. She quickly changed her seal from the rat to the ram then outstretched her right arm, pointing her two fingers at him. "Wedgie no Jutsu!" she cried as she swept her arm upwards. Naruto found himself yanked up by his underwear as if an invisible hand grabbed it and hung him in a tree.
"AAAH! AAAH! It hurts!" Naruto cried out as he wiggled his legs uselessly and tried to reach for his underwear.
Sasuke and Sakura shook their heads.
"Dobe," Sasuke said.
"Looks like she hasn't changed," Kakashi said seriously. "You better be careful, she always had the craziest attacks that you'd never expect."
Sasuke went in this time, but instead of Naruto, he kept zigzagging around so that he wouldn't suffer the same (humiliating) fate as him. Yumeko bit her tongue as she barely dodged the spinning kick Sasuke aimed for her head. Her eyes widened as she avoided Sasuke's punches and kicks. Sasuke wasn't even starting to get serious yet, but she looked like she was ready to succumb any second now.
Ha, so she is pretty terrible in taijutsu, Sasuke thought as he missed her chest by a centimeter. Won't be long now…
At that moment, Sasuke landed a powerful kick in her stomach, causing her to skid back several feet. Sasuke widened his stance while his opponent reached into her weapon pouch and pulled out a…
"Sasuke! Get out of there now!" Kakashi ordered him urgently. Sasuke turned his head to look back at him, raising an eyebrow as she blew into it.
"It's just a whoopee cushion, what's the big deal?" He didn't notice that the cushion was glowing with blue chakra…
At that moment, Yumeko turned around, positioning the cushion carefully on her bottom, and then promptly gave a small jump and landed on the cushion.
What resulted was a super-sonic explosion that was powerful enough to get everyone flying off and crashing into trees. Naruto's underwear came loose in the attack and he landed in front of Kakashi.
"What was that?" Sakura said, woozily getting to her feet while Inner Sakura screamed, "WHAT THE HELL! THAT AIN'T RIGHT, AND YOU DID THAT RIGHT IN FONT OF MY SASUKE-KUN! YOU LITTLE BITCH!"
"Damn, looks like she got stronger," Kakashi muttered as he got on one knee.
"I haven't had so much fun in so long!" Yumeko squealed as she put her clapped her hands.
"Well, let's see you handle this! Kage Buushin no Jutsu!" Naruto yelled. Half a dozen Narutos appeared, all ready to kick ass.
"Uh-oh," was all she could say as she frantically tried to blow into her whoopee cushion as fast as she could before five Narutos kicked her up and the last one kicked her to the ground. She was knocked out. Naruto Combo, never fails.
"That was easy," Naruto said grinning while his doppelgangers disappeared.
"Let's just drop her off so Tsunade-sama can decide her punishment," Sakura said.
"Why don't Naruto or Sasuke drag her off. I don't ever want to be near her ever again," Kakashi said, shaking.
"Wow, this girl really traumatized you that much, huh Kakashi-sensei," Naruto said as he went closer to the (not really) unconscious woman with Sasuke…
Just as the two were right next to her, her eyes quickly shot open and she performed lightning fast seals. Before the two could get over their initial shock, she screamed, "BUTT STICKING NO JUTSU!" as she grabbed both our heroes' asses.
They both had their eyes widened when their spot was violated, but nothing could prepare them when their bottoms seemed attracting one another (no you dirty people, not like THAT!) and before you knew it, their bottoms were firmly stuck to each other.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" Naruto ad as he tried to wiggle his ass free.
"HAHAHA!" Yumeko said in laughter as she got back to her feet and leaped into a tree. "Nothing can stop my best-" she was cut off as Sakura hurled a boulder at her. Swirly eyes was immediate. That's what you get for groping her crush's butt.
Naruto and Sasuke were trying to run off in opposite directions, trying to free themselves, but it was all in vain. You might have well have thought their seats were stuck with ultra-strong super glue.
"She did that to herself an me when we were younger. Only way out is to wait it out for a whole day," Kakashi said.
And just a quick note, this is not a KakOC pairing. He hates her guts.