I cant take it anymore. Why am I such a burden? Why cant I just live a normal life? I wish I could go back, back before everything started. Back before Dally, Johnny, even before mommy and daddy died. I cant live knowing that they died because of my stupid problems. If I hadn't been such a baby about Darry hitting me, and ran off to get Johnny he wouldn't have killed that boy. And then Dallas would still be alive, and I wouldn't of dragged him into this whole mess, he wasn't even there when it happened! Why did I bring him into it! Its all my fault they all died because of me! They all died because of me..

I grabbed the razor blade that Darry had been using to cut strings off these boxes of mom and dads old stuff that we found in the garage. I held my hand over the sink, my arm was shaking I had never done this before. But I always hear about people cutting themselves and how much of a relief it is for them. I took a deep breath at pressed the razor blade against my arm and cut long and deep, from my elbow to my wrist. I watched as blood seeped out of my arm and down into the sink, I turned on the water and watched as the dark red turned into pink swirls. It felt great like all my worries, my fears, my problems were being lifted off my shoulders and going down the drain, as easy as that. It felt so good that I did it again on my other arm but this time I did short ones more toward my wrist. I smiled to myself, sure it hurt the pain was increasing, it was more of the after pain that hurt the most. When I was finally satisfied with my swirling redish-pink sink I took two towels and wrapped it around each arm. I took a quick look at the clock, shit, Soda would be home soon, very soon, I cant let him see my like this. I quickly rubbed the sink making the red go away faster, when all of the evidence was gone I ran into the bedroom I shared with Soda. I put on one of my school sweatshirts that I got from track and wrapped my arms with bandages so the blood wouldn't seep through my sweatshirt.

"Hey Pony im home!"Soda said as he lumped on the couch

"be right out Sodapop!"I yelled finishing the wrapping on my right arm, I was really no good with using my left arm.

"How was work?"I asked as I walked into the living room and sat next to him

"do I really have to answer that question?"he asked looking lazily at the bathroom

"you left the light on in there kido"he said pointing to the bathroom, when I didnt get up to turn it off he got up

"fine I'll go"Soda got up and walked into the bathroom

"what's this?"I heard him say from the bathroom

"Pony? Are you hurt?"his question shocked me

"why would you think that Soda?"I asked trying not to sound suspicious

"well maybe because there is blood on the floor!"he said a little nervous

"what?"I went over to the bathroom and saw just a few drops of blood on the floor

"oh it was nothing Sodapop"I said shrugging it off

"well what happen--"he was staring at my left arm I looked down and blood was seeping though my sweatshirt

oh god.

"Ponyboy what happened to you!"he said stepping closer but I took another step back

I stood there trying to think of something anything but nothing was coming to my mind.

"Um.. Well I was in the garage, and I was trying to get one of the boxes filled with mom and dads things back in the little storage space.. And I cut myself on something"boy that sounded lame.

"Cut yourself on what? When did this happen?"he asked looking a little calmer

"it happened while you two were out, and I got it stuck on.. Um... a saw"I stammered, then I looked at him nervously he would never buy it

"a saw?"he said looking at me

"y-yeah! Like those ones that Darry uses to cut the branches off the old tree when they get too long, you see I was pushing the box into the storage space and while I was pulling it out I cut it on the saw because it was sticking out, but don't worry I moved the saw so it wont happen again"I looked soda straight in the eye

"well okay ponyboy be more careful next time alright"he said looking at my arm again

"I will soda"phew that was close

"lemme see your arm pony"he said putting his hand out

I rolled up the sleeve on my left arm, and soda took it in his hand gently. He carefully unrolled the bleeding bandage and cringed when he saw my still bleeding cut. I was starting to feel a little light headed, I didnt think I would bleed so much.

"God Pony this is an awful cut"Soda said taking a towel and wrapping my cut then he took some peroxide and poured it over the long jagged line of blood.

"Ouch!"I closed my eyes as the burning increased

"I better go get some bandages for this cut, ill be right back pony you keep that rag on that cut you hear me?"he was on his way out the front door

"yeah I hear you"I said sitting down on the toilet bowl

When Soda was gone I let out a sigh of relief, man that was so damn close. I lifted up the sleeve on my other arm where the little cuts were, they had stopped bleeding. I cant let Soda find out about these or he'll know for sure that they were no accidents.