Perhaps It Was The Caffeine

By Shyro Foxfeather

……

As far as Kaito knew it was only a phase. The cobalt eyes of the magician were locked firmly on the chalkboard. It vexed him so that Hakuba had probably installed a security camera behind it and replace the board with some type of one-sided window. It seemed that a caffeine-hyped/paranoid Hakuba was not a good thing in the least bit.

And, ironically, it was Kaito that had cleverly placed that caffeine chewable in Hakuba's coffee. (The color was unmatchable for just replacing the coffee with something more caffeinated so Kaito decided to be…creative.)

The paranoia part was half Kaito's fault and three quarters Akako's fault. Aoko may have had a hand in it too but it was highly unlikely and seemed a dead end for any detectives in the area…

Hakuba was paranoid because of one simple thing. Yesterday…

Apparently someone had the wonderfully undeclared idea to declare it 'Make Haku-chan Miserable' day. Hakuba should have figured this out when he discovered that the tree in his front yard had been tastelessly toilet papered by some random pranksters…

Which, of course, was after he found out his hair was a temporarily permanent shade of electric blue.

And strangely enough his toothpaste decided to be green that day although Hakuba really didn't think that was anyone's fault. His toothpaste just did that sometimes…

Sure, the squirrel plushie in his desk that proudly wielded a British flag may have been a hint but Hakuba wasn't taking the bait.

After a trip to the restroom he found that his hair now had purple patches growing out from the roots. It seemed odd Kuroba could get away with it in class without anyone noticing…and that was all he thought about it.

Lunch resulted in many a perverted innuendo, which shalt not be shared here for sake of the rating.

…Most involved Hakuba and a pointy sword. Compensation was the main theme.

Class after lunch was rather dull aside from the doves that fluttered their downy wings out of Kuroba's pants pocket and into Hakuba's coat. People stared, blinked, and went back to not paying attention.

Once Hakuba arrived home he realized—happily enough—that the toilet paper was gone from his tree…albeit it was covered in blank post-it notes.

Insert random funny thing here.

The toothpaste was red now. Akako was what it reminded him of.

Then he went to bed…

…and had a dream involving Kuroba in women's clothing, Akako who killed said boy-in-drag off, and Aoko who accidentally got a mop super-glued to Hakuba's left leg. So in the end he was trying to save Kaito-in-drag from homicidal Akako but he tripped over the mop on his leg and Kaito died.

…and Hakuba cried in his sleep.

After finding the tear streaks on his cheeks the next morning—his hair was blond again—and remembering the dream, he decided there was only one thing he could do.

Keep that from happening At. All. Cost.

Aoko was kept under careful surveillance. Akako was shooed away with a crucifix and a holy water gun, and Kaito was the victim of a deep, entrancing stare that ensured he did not dress in drag under Hakuba's gaze.

…Hakuba had a bad habit of taking his dreams too seriously. Although the severity of this one may have been due to the substantial amount of caffeine still rolling around in his system.

The poor Brit could handle any type of mishap…but not THAT type.

And thus people were promptly locked in closets because he loved his friends too much. (Hint hint.)

…Hey, just because he's a detective doesn't mean he's not a strange and/or crazy, too.

Hakuba's in loff!

"I am not!"

…Yes you are.

…Owari…

Disclaimer: Gosho Aoyama owns them…my cactus died so I'm pretty sure that owning anymore living things would be a BAD thing. How do you KILL a cactus?

This is a crack-fic…definitely a crack-fic. Do I even want to read it? Eh…

One line of dialogue! Wooot! (You all hate me now, huh?)