The Curse of L.L.

Summary: Ever notice how all of Lana's boyfriends end up dying? Clark and Jason discuss this fact… in the form of song!
Rating: T
Disclaimer: Sadly, I have no claims to any characters from Smallville, be they dead or alive. The song is not mine either but curtsey of the wonderful musical RENT. Enjoy!
Author's Note: Do not ask me what I was thinking when I came up with this idea. I have no freakin' clue! I'd blame the extreme lack of sleep but I know deep down, that its some inner crazy in me just coming out. I'm sure it didn't help that I was listening to the RENT CD late at night after a day of watching old episodes of Smallville. Still, it should bring a smile to your face if nothing else.


(Clark is outside, bouncing a basketball around, deep in thought. He is confused about Lana and doesn't know what to do, as usual. Suddenly, someone walks around the side of the barn.)

CLARK: Jason?

JASON: Hey

CLARK: What are you doing here?

JASON: We need to talk, about Lana and you

CLARK: Didn't the meteor shower kill you?

JASON: Fine, if you don't want my help…

(turns to leave)

CLARK: Wait!
What can you tell me?

(Jason smiles and nods.
Music begins to play.
Clark looks baffled and confused.)

CLARK: What's going on here?
The Music just…

JASON: Isn't it clear?
This is a music number.
Sing something -- anything.

CLARK: Do Re Me Do!

JASON: Anything but that…

(awkward pause)

CLARK: This is weird.

JASON: It's weird

CLARK: Very weird

JASON: Fucking weird

CLARK: This is strange even for a Smallville ep.
Singing about your ex
But you died in a crash
Not to mention, my voice is cracked.

JASON: Now Clark couldn't you guess
This is a fic, not an ep.
You know the author does whatever she wants.

CLARK: Damn! I hate these weird scenes!

JASON: Me too, but onto our theme
It's called, The Curse of L.L.!
The Curse of L.L.!
It's a scary, twisted, sordid path.
While she keeps you senseless

CLARK: No way…

JASON: You are left so defenseless!

CLARK: It's different this time.

JASON: And you toss and you squirm
As her doe eyes blur
While the world slowly fades to darkness

CLARK: I think I know what you mean…

BOTH: The Curse of L.L.!

JASON: Ever noticed how no boyfriend lasts through a – season?

CLARK: Kind of…

JASON: They're all killed in horrible 'accidents'.

CLARK: For a – reason.
But I'm meant to be with Lana…

JASON: Aren't we all!
Just be, cautious…

CLARK: You believe you died cause of her…

JASON: It makes sense

CLARK: I'm getting – nauseous.

(Music changes.
Jason & Clark begin to dance, Jason leads)

CLARK: What are we doing?

JASON: Dance break

(They change, Clark now leads)

JASON: Not bad for a farm boy Kent!

CLARK: You should see me, limbo.

(Clark dips Jason)

CLARK: She's cursed!

JASON: She's cursed!

CLARK: Lana's cursed!

JASON: Fucking cursed!

CLARK: It's over I should just end it now!

JASON: Well look on the bright side,
You had your time with her right?

CLARK: I thought it would end up different

BOTH: When you're stuck in her trance
You don't stand a chance
The curse in the end
Will kill all!

JASON: Still you think, screw the trend!

CLARK: See it through to the end.

BOTH: At least I'll have had her at all!
The Curse of L.L.!
Gotta keep, on your toes till the close!
You pretend you can break it!
But in the end you don't make it!
Even as your death comes
Still you have to play dumb
As you breath your last breath
And turn blue.

JASON: Why do we love such a curse?

CLARK: We'll all end up in a hearse!

JASON: Take it home, Clark!

CLARK: (belting) MY LANA!

JASON: Nice!

CLARK: Thanks!

JASON: You know, this was nice

CLARK: (glumly) Yeah, it was great.

(Clark cell rings.
He picks it up.)

CLARK: Hello? Lana! I was just…
The meteor pit, tonight?
I don't know… (gulp)

(He looks at Jason who smiles sympathetically)

BOTH: The Curse of…. L.L.!

(Music ends.
Applause)