Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, yada yada yada.


One Tuesday evening, the Minister of Magic and Supreme Mugwump were waiting at a table in the Leaky Cauldron for the Headmaster of Hogwarts for their weekly lunch. Five minutes late, Headmaster Harry Potter arrived.

"Sorry I'm late, fellas. Was working with Hermione for her press release this afternoon."

The Minister laughed it off. "Not at all, Harry. We both know how much you have been looking forward to this. You have spent most of the last fifty years helping Hermione with her little project. And I can certainly understand why. I have to tell you that it has been great to be the youngest minister in history. I think I am going to have to make sure that there is never another Minister of Magic over 50 years old."

The Mugwump was less than amused. "Oh, shut the fuck up, Tom. Being old sucks. Whats worse is that I know that I am the only one here who will always be old. You both suck."

Harry and Tom couldn't help but laugh at their old friend. Harry replied, "Sorry Richard. We know that you're sensitive. The Wizengamot rarely has any members under 70, much less their leader. But of the three of us, you are the one with the most free time. You could always look into developing new and exiting potions and methods to make old age more comfortable."

"Bah. I'm just glad that old crone, Marshbanks finally croaked. What was she? Four hundred?" complained Richard.

Minister Tom said, "Nearly. At least now you don't have to hear about our awesome N.E.W.T.s any more."

Harry remembered hearing Madam Marshbanks brag during his O.W.L.s that Dumbledore had done things with a wand during his N.E.W.T.s that she had never seen before. So naturally, when it came time for his N.E.W.T.s, he made sure to do things that she had never seen without a wand. She didn't stop bragging about that until she died.


"Alright, Mr. Potter, your turn," called Madam Marshbanks. When he arrived at the starting point, she explained, "This is your practical transfiguration exam. This year, we decided on an obstacle course. Make it from here to the finish line using nothing but transfiguration. Begin."

Harry immediately began to jog toward the goal. Marshbanks was confused when he didn't even pull out his wand, and more confused when he didn't appear to notice the pool of water that he was coming upon. She was astonished when, instantly upon contact with his foot, the water was transfigured into a floating wooden block. Harry made to the other side of the pool leaving seven wooden foot prints in the pool.

When Harry got to the next obstacle, a chasm, he transfigured some absolutely huge wings onto his back and flew right across.

Marshbanks was terrified when Harry got to the next obstacle and didn't do anything to stop the wall from coming together and smushing him. When the walls separated, she was awed to see a steel statue of Harry in his place, and the flabbergasted when the statue continues to jog toward the finish line with a chunk chunk chunk.

The final obstacle of the test was a simple chain length fence. Harry didn't even slow down. As soon as he smashed into it he splashed into about six liters of water on the other side, which rapidly reformed into a fully human Harry Potter, who stepped over the finish line.

Stunned and impressed, Madam Marshbanks could do no less than give him as high a score as has ever been received. And a standing ovation.


Fifty years later, Harry was ready to start to live seriously. Or as much as someone who never takes anything seriously can. He was ready to run for minister.

It was a short campaign, really. As soon as the people realized that he was in the running, he was voted into office.

He quit after one term.

To the public, he gave the reason that he was looking for something meaningful to do with his life, and that after a year in office, he realized that being Minister wasn't it.

The truth was that he had already accomplished what he had intended to do when he had taken the position. He had turned the Signate Ring of the Minister of Magic into a horcrux.

Five years later, he had done the same to the Ring of the Chief Warlock.

In the most recent fifty years, or so, several of the less reputable papers had commented on the conspiracy theory that the Ministry of Magic controlled a dragon that they used to take care of detractors. No one, of course, gave this theory the time of day. Which was a shame, since it was true.

Ever sinse Harry had flown to Malfoy Manor, taken a deep breath, and blew down the length of their chimney. He huffed and he puffed and he burned their house down.

As it stood now, Harry was Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (one of the cushiest jobs in Wizarding Britain) and he had two horcruxes (one of which was the Minister of Magic, the other the Supreme Mugwump). He ruled Britain. Hell yeah.

As he sat enjoying how things had turned out, he was rather rudely snapped out of his thoughts by the Chief Warlock. "Hey! Wake the hell up. It's time for Hermione's speech."

After thanking Chief Dick, Harry hurried out the back to Diagon Alley, and up next to his oldest friend on the raised stage.

Seeing that Harry had arrived, Hermione started, "Wizards and Witches of Britain! Today I come to you in celebration of one of the greatest achievements of all time! I, with the help of my good friend Harry Potter, have succeeded in creating a Philosopher's Stone!"

The crowd just went nuts. When it had calmed down enough, she started taking questions.

"Daily Prophet; how long did it take for you to accomplish this, Ms. Granger?"

Hermione, with a smile firmly in place for the cameras, replied, "Nearly sixty years. I have put most of my life so far into this, but I am vindicated with the knowledge that I will get all that time back. Plus as much as I want."

"Healers Quarterly; do you plan to share this achievement with St. Mungos'?"


And so the questions continued in this vein. Eventually Hermione stopped the questioning and said, "Now to commemorate my achievement, I will drink the first dose of the elixer of life from my stone."

The crowd watch excitedly as Hermione took a long drink from what appeared to be an over sized test tube. When it was three quarters of the way empty, she started coughing at the blood like taste.

Everyone watched as she seemed to lose eighty years of age. When she was done, she looked like she was in her twenties again.

Harry, seeing her still coughing, looked at the elixer that was now in his hand. He glanced at the crowd, glanced left, then right. Then he drank the rest of the elixer.

The audience laughed. They laughed some more when Hermione realized what Harry had done and chased him off the stage.


Hermione and Harry were relaxing back at Hogwarts, rehashing an old argument.

"I've told you Harry. I won't create a horcrux. I won't take a life. Besides, now that we have the stone, why would I need to?"

"Hermione, the stone can be stolen, or destroyed. I just think you'd be safer if you had a back up. Besides, I'm not asking you to kill someone. I've figured something else out."

"Really? Well, lets hear it."

"Well, it actually goes back to the process that horcruxes were derrived from. The Soul Jar. It is the process of anchoring your soul to an object. The original problems with this method were that you had to have the object on your person at all times. That seemed to actually make ones life more fragile. It also was unable to stop the body's aging, or death and deteriation, leading to what we would think of as liches."

"Harry, I'm not going to become a lich."

"I'm not asking you to. Look, I've got it all figured out. You shape the stone into the shape of a human heart and animate it to function as a prosthetic heart. Then you switch it out for your real heart. Then you turn it into a phylactery, or soul jar. It's your heart, so, you know, it can't be stolen (at least, not easily). And it will be pumping the elixer through your blood, so that will keep you from dying and becoming a lich!"

Hermione thought about it and decided that it couldn't hurt to check it out.

They made annother stone so that Harry could have Elixer of Life blood, too.

And Harry never married Ginny Weasley, and he lived forever, and ruled the world and was awesome.

The end.

A. N.: Okay, so here you go. Maybe this is a better ending than my previous "Rocks fall" one. Stop bitchin'.

P. S. I don't play D & D. I know I probably screwed that lich crap up. Fuck it. Also, the person who was elected Minsiter was not named Tom, and the person who was named Chief Warlock was not named Richard. Those are the names that the horcruxes go by with people in the know. Tom, Dick, and Harry.