AN: Truly. No offence meant. All in good humour and such…

AN the second: I am bored. I am reposting a rather old fic that was taken down because it apparently did not match the criteria of 'story'. I have altered said fic and, as you will probably observe, it is even more of a piss-take than it was previously.

Behold! Not only does a 'Guide to Dramione Romance' actually exist, but Hermione finds it!

Note. Parody.

Disclaimer: Hogwarts etc belongs to JKR. Ideas included are not all my own etc…

"Mya!" called a voice up the stairs.

Hermione Granger looked up from the mirror hanging on her lavender painted wall next to the window over looking her small suburban and typically British garden.

"Yes, Mommy?"

"Breakfast is ready and there's a package down here for you."

Hermione gasped, almost dropping her mascara as she raised a shocked hand to her strawberry glossed lips. "A package?" She thought out loud. "I wonder who it could be from."

Swiftly sweeping a brush through her newly straightened and highlighted hair she dashed through her door, leaping down the stairs two at a time to stand by the kitchen table expectantly.

Mrs Granger was a nice sort of lady. She had a kind face, pleasant smile and a deep aversion to anything with high sugar content. Her eyes were just like her daughters, though slightly darker and less like chocolate-coated cinnamon. On seeing her daughter appear she smiled her pleasant sort of smile and promptly served up breakfast.

"It's just there, darling. At first I thought it was another letter from that new boyfriend of yours," (Hermione, incidentally, had been going out with Draco Malfoy for a number of months. The whole thing had started when she slapped him back in third year leading him to realise his undying love, and had come into the public eye sometime around the end of sixth year in a loud and unfortunate incident on the Gryffindor table at lunch, when Ron Weasley (playing the part of the jealous ex) confronted her about being a Slytherin-loving slut.) "But then I noticed that it was lying on the door mat and there were no feathers around, so it must have come by normal post!" Her mother's smile grew.

"Hello Hermione, dear!" said a voice.

Hermione turned round to see her father, hugging him tightly by way greeting.

"Good morning, Daddy."

"Oh, excellent." Said Mr Granger. "Breakfast." He continued, smiling, before picking up a newspaper and vanishing from the story.

"Aren't you going to open you're post?" Asked Mrs Granger and - suitably reminded - Hermione reached for the mysterious package.

It sat innocently wrapped in brown paper, the edges secured with sticky tape and a stamp neatly placed in the top right hand corner. Just below and left of the stamp was written her name and address.

"How mysterious." Hermione mused out loud. "It looks so ordinary."

With great care and trepidation she ripped into the paper, her mouth forming a small 'O' as the package's contents fell into her lap.

It was a book!

"A Beginner's Guide to Dramione Romance." The title proudly proclaimed in ornate green and gold lettering. "All you need to know when constructing a beautiful love affair between sworn enemies."

"Goodness." Said Hermione. The book appeared to be written about her and Draco!

A final glance at her parents, she gathered up the book and dashed up to her bedroom, settling down on her bed to read.

A Beginner's Guide to Dramione Romance. (All you need to know when constructing a beautiful love affair between sworn enemies.)

When surfing the fandom you tend to come across a surprisingly large number of fics centring around the discovery of true love between two characters who simply Do Not go together (for any reason from the harbouring of homicidal thoughts to conflicting opinions/friends/complexions). In this short and simple guide we aim to give you the outlines for successful and widely used storylines etc. that can make the pairing (however controversial) work.

Dramione Romanticised:

Draco Malfoy is sworn enemy of the Gryffindor Golden Trio. He is the very embodiment of all things Slytherin and as such he is evil. His daddy is rich and he can have anything he asks for, but in all this fame and money and political power there has always been something missing… Yes, that's right. Draco Malfoy, pretty, spoilt, rich boy is lacking something. He lacks love.

Hermione Granger on the other hand is his exact antithesis. While Draco is hate, Hermione is love. His arch-nemesis is her best friend, but will this stop her? Of course not! Her warm heart will extend even to the evil devil spawn who made her childhood a living hell, and amidst their petty rivalries (so petty they are the basis of an entire war) they find LOVE.

The best stories usually follow very familiar patterns:

Sharing a common room. Essential in all fics where you wish to bring two people who hate each other together. Shutting them in a room will obviously make them see the good points of the other and eventually cause them fall in love. These fics tend to entirely avoid the subject of Voldemort and an upcoming war to favour teenage angst and grammarless fluff.

One is taken prisoner/hostage. Stockholm Syndrome commences. Or perhaps the reverse. Either way, they end up falling madly in love and help each other escape, going against their beliefs, friends or family to live happily ever after. The End.

Hogwarts holds a production of Romeo and Juliet. Guess who gets cast? Yup, and what? They don't happen to actually live the play as well as acting it? No! I never would have guessed it! The bad thing with these fics is the distinct lack of suicide at the end.

Lust. A character has a transformation that will either be described in painful detail or ignored entirely. The other character notices. They have mad hot sex. The End.

Identity Crisis. Perhaps she was adopted, maybe she was deposited on the doorstep late one September evening by a magic old gypsy woman… However the situation arose Hermione is in fact a pureblood. All those years of taunts and fights for nothing. She is now free to join the Dark Side, engage Narcissa Malfoy (lovely woman) in conversation and fall deeply in love with Draco Malfoy. (With luck she may also be Zabini's cousin!)

She is an undercover auror. She pretends to be a maid or dresses up as a house elf at Malfoy Manor. After several weeks of ironing his undies and eavesdropping on his conversations with himself (because walls do not have ears and his father has taught him absolutely nothing about suspecting everyone) she realises he isn't all that bad. She falls in love. In her affection she allows her cover to be blown. He freaks out. There is mass hysteria until Draco is hit by a wonderful flashback of all the times he should have noticed. During said flashback he discovers he loves her too. She stops being a maid (and seemingly an auror too) and they live happily ever after with no further complications.

He is horrifically maimed and she nurses him back to health (or vice verse). Where better to set a love story than a hospital bedside? He is grotesquely injured by either his father (a decision of the author's which will eventually lead to him changing sides of the war in revenge/realisation etc.) or the bad guys (in this case he has already made the noble sacrifice and it is her job to initiate the romance). Cue Florence Nightingale Syndrome. She realises he looks pretty when he's asleep and he got hurt for a noble cause. She falls in love. He wakes up. He realises she restored his former beauty when he was originally hideously disfigured and, as vain as his is, he decides he loves her too. Yay. Happily ever after.

She gets drunk and then pregnant. Much confusion and angst followed by confrontations and arguments and eventually the birth of a little girl with blonde ringlets and brown eyes (or a little boy with brown hair and grey eyes) (or both). The father has a change of heart and instead of killing the bastard child who is a shame on his name and blood he falls in love with the mother and they live happily ever after in his big-ass house which (in a display of deep paternal love) (probably stemmed from his inadequate father who made no such efforts for him) is transformed into any toddlers dream (with coloured rugs and Christmas trees).

Masquerade! Well. If they can't see each other they're bound to fall in love! (For proof see Romeo and Juliet by one Mr Will Shakespeare.)

The war is over and he is not in prison for various crimes against humanity. Usually based on the popular chick-flick of the moment. He is rich. She is overworked. They meet. He likes her. She doesn't like him. He chases her. She decides he has some redeeming qualities. They fall in love and live happily ever after.

Possible Draco Personalities:

Possible Draco personalities all stem from Bad Guy Draco, who may or may not be a Death Eater. He is very prejudiced and likes to make fun of Hermione's hair. No one likes him. From this basic start point it is possible for 'character development' to begin (Here author displays her unique understanding of the human mind and turns him good because he either fell in love, was betrayed or just generally felt guilty.). Bad Guy Draco is simply a product of his environment. Add Hermione and you will automatically unveil Witty Sarcastic Bad Boy with a Good Heart Draco (i.e. the author's ideal guy) (she may tend to get carried away in the descriptions of his quidditch honed body, but the thought's there.).

Bastard Draco. (As seen in books.) He is lean, he is mean, he is a full-blown insult machine. Likes to swear ever other word and idolises the muggle rapper Eminem (sometimes the name will be variated and claim to be a wizarding equivalent but generally not.) He likes to preach about his father and although bought up in a very appearance conscious society he has the manners of a pig.

Sex God Draco. (Generally coincides with Bastard.) By the age of 17 he has slept around with the majority of the female population of the school. Instead of this making him a slut it makes him majorly sexy. The girls love it but (shock horror) there is one he cannot get. Yup. Hermione the prude (because she doesn't launch herself at every opportunity at his 'perfectly chiselled' chest) (undoubtedly a product of quidditch practice, who'd have know playing for the losing team would do so much for your figure…) Whether by a manly game of truth or dare or a personal challenge because he has no friends (they're all jealous of his body and money) he makes her his conquest. After much defiance and many righteous lectures about morals only she seems to possess Hermione succumbs to his charms. (A favourite personality in Draco POV fics. Who knows what goes on within the mind of a teenage boy? Anyone? No? Ok, lets just assume its all lust and leave it at that.)

Playboy Draco. See Sex God Draco and add five years. (Widely used in post-Hogwarts fics). (Special friend of Employed Hermione.)

Tortured Soul Draco. His daddy is very nasty to him. He doesn't want to be a part of the Dark Side, all he wants is to settle down and live a normal life with his lovely wife and kids. He tells this to Hermione. Hermione's heart bleeds. They fall in love (and eventually get killed for their troubles, but this is rarely included.)

Reformed and Redeemed Draco. He's sorry, he truly is. You have to believe him Hermione! You have to help him escape his insane fanatic father! You have to take him to Dumbledore and make everything better by getting him and Harry to kiss and make up! You already have? Oh, excellent. :)

Sympathetic Draco. It's a trait nearly always acquired from his mother (a lovely woman who has been oppressed for years by her evilevilevil husband). Sympathetic Draco will mould to suit any of Hermione's problems and generally make them go away too. This personality is usually very good for angsty stories in Hermione's POV.

Bored Draco. Life's hard when you're the only Slytherin with two brain cells to rub together (bar the odd exception of Blaise Zabini if author feels Draco needs a best buddy). Draco is academically under-stimulated and in desperate need of intelligent conversation. Workaholic Hermione is all this Draco needs to break from his monotonous existence in a house where cunning is so greatly admired and yet they don't seem to be able to identify between their brains and their stomachs.

Possible Hermione Personalities:

Possible Hermione personalities will range from severely stressed to sexually confused. She can be a hopeless romantic or a tight lipped prude, either way these people can make her fall for the bad guy.

Workaholic Hermione. She has no time in her busy schedule, not even for the poor little house elves. She loves coffee and the library (and also Harry and Ron though they tend not to feature much). She works and she works until she snaps under the pressure, and who better to pick up the pieces than nice Sympathetic Draco or evil Sex God Draco? (Bored Draco is also very good of talking her out of her study addiction.)

Employed Hermione. (See Workaholic Hermione and add five years). All the brains in the world and what does she chose to do with her life? Ah yes… She becomes a journalist for that newspaper who so often humiliated her and her friends in their younger life! She writes a fashion/man advice column, utterly ignoring that it is a post far better suited to the likes of Lavender Brown. This job leads to many complications involving interviewing Playboy Draco. She is clumsy, stressed and stubborn but eventually they fall in love. (An alternative is where Bad Guy Draco needs defending in court and who better than Employed Lawyer Hermione? In her case she discoverers either his innocence or his prowess in bed and they fall in love.)

Bleeding Heart Hermione. She is very very adaptive. Her warm heart knows no bounds and she brings pleasant fluttery feelings wherever she goes. Tortured Soul Draco or Reformed and Redeemed Draco are particularly susceptible to her charms, though she will offer a shoulder to cry on to just about anyone.

Used and Abused Hermione. You know that nice, ordinary dentist father of Hermione's? Well he has a brother. A very evil brother. Harry and Ron have never picked up on it, but the reason Hermione is so into books is because they were her only escape from her drunken/mentally unstable uncle who abused her from a very young age. (And she's a witch for what? Surely not defending herself… No. Definitely not.) Either that or it was a boyfriend. Or maybe even Ron or Harry. Whichever it was she still needs comforting and who better than Sympathetic Draco?

Material Girl Hermione. Attack of the Mary Sues. This Hermione is very much in tune with the author's fashion taste (be it ripped jeans or white crop tops). With the help of her gorgeous, glamorous and popular American cousin (the author descended from on high in angel form… or so they seem to think) she is transformed from quiet yet righteous bookworm to a wild-child party animal, the more flesh on display the better. This change is particularly appreciated by Sex God Draco. They get on very very well

Some films/stories you may wish to refer to for inspiration:

Beauty and the Beast. (Belle likes books. Hermione likes books! Come on, the likeness is uncanny! Couple that with Hermione's array of loved ones all so willing to be kidnapped and you have the perfect recreation. Malfoy Manor is big and scary and Draco's personality does often appear almost beastlike… but who for Gaston? Harry? Ron? Justin Finch-Flechley? The choice is yours.)

Romeo and Juliet. (The idea of conflicting families lends itself very well to the situation, don't you think? Who knows, behind that icy exterior of Draco's there could be a true Shakespearean lover waiting in the wings…)

Pride and Prejudice. (With Hermione Granger standing in for our favourite heroine Elizabeth Bennet. Enter whichever boy you chose (perhaps that mean but gorgeous Slytherin, Blaise Zabini? He seems very good at betraying Draco) as Wickham and Draco Malfoy becomes your perfect Mr Darcy. With embarrassing aristocrats (Pansy would make a simply excellent Miss Bingly don't you think?) and humiliating family members, you have a magical interpretation of Jane Austen's best loved novel.)

Cinderella. (She is but a lowly Mudblood, he a Prince, but what happens when she discovers her true heritage and ascends to one of the great high society balls? You decide.)

Any other film can be used, most popular are the fluffy teenage romances (commonly known as chick-flicks) that plague our cinemas. Not to worry – if you set your fic five years in the future Voldie can be dead and Harry and Ron living in Australia with anyone else who may complicate your plot. (Best to keep Ginny around though, she's very good for fashion tips and girl talk.) Post War magical England can be anything you want it to be and Draco and Hermione should still be relatively good looking…

Another favourite seems to be reality TV (a craze that so recently invaded our television sets, why not the fandom too?)

Look out for wizarding Big Brother, Survivor, I'm a Celebrity…Get me out of Here, any of the many blind date style programs and of course American Idol! (not Pop Idol? No? Oh yes, with the appearance of that mysterious American cousin Hermione has suddenly decided that it would be best she starts talking with an American accent and taking part in muggle reality TV shows on the other side of the Atlantic… Draco is there too. Also americanised and void of certain prejudices.). (An alternative is of course to make a sterling effort to be 'British', consisting of many a 'Cor Blimey!' And 'Bloody Hell!' Who ever would have guessed 'prat' and 'git' were Britain's worst possible insults… worse even than the infamous 'Mudblood' it would seem…)

The Head Boy Head Girl Scenario:

Ok. Well. Basically it's 7th year and lo and behold – Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy are Head Boy and Girl. Obviously they share a common room and have a shared bathroom linked to both their private bedrooms. (Colour scheme: an artful blend of red, green, gold and silver which does in no way resemble Santa's Grotto.) Despite the fact that they are at school (and the rest of the building has wards to prevent boys entering the girl's dorms) they both have free access to each other's bedrooms and one day:

a) Hermione finds Draco's diary.

Requirements: Tortured Soul Draco. Bleeding Heart Hermione.

And then she reads it.

And then she realises that he is in fact abused by his father and really a good boy at heart.

And then she falls in love. (Cue Draco's entry and many a proclamation of love (returned by him because she has gotten hot over the summer/ is his only hope for redemption/ his best bet at getting back at Potter for beating him in quidditch,)

b) Hermione has… (wait for it)… (just feel that suspense building)… (tension mounts)… (drum roll)…Got 'HOT' over the summer!

Requirements: Sex God Draco. Material Girl Hermione.

Yay! The perfect opportunity for author to describe their ideal of what they want-but-sadly-cant be. This could consist of straightened hair with gorgeous blonde highlights, complete with a low cut top (plus magical breast enhancement) and tight fitting jeans, or Hermione-goes-punk with 'artistically ripped clothing' and 'tamed hair, flowing in dark curls down her back'. This transformation could be born from one of many reasons, the most popular being a relative from some far flung corner of America (or wherever the author was born) deciding that their little cousin was simply not 'displaying what she's got'. (NB. Sometimes Ginny has a say in the transformation, or Lavender and Parvarti, and sometimes Hermione even does it herself, waking up one day to realise she hates how she looks and the best course of action would be a painfully over described trip to a muggle 'mall' where she will find the 'new her'.)

She gets to the train and Harry and Ron don't notice. :( (Cue author's rant about how pathetic the stars of the books are, and how insensitive the male population are to the importance of looking good.) And then she reaches the head carriage (where Draco Malfoy has undergone a similar transformation (though his is due to quidditch)) and Draco realises 'the mudblood looks hot'.

They get to school and discover (with very fleeting mortification) that they will be sharing rooms. The year commences with minimal lesson time and maximum time spent hanging around supposed enemies. (Cue author's attempt at sexual tension.)

Story culminates with mad snogging on the Head Room couch (after either passionate professions of love, a huge shouting match or a possible Death Eater attack in which Draco defies his father and saves Hermione's life).

c) Hermione is depressed/abused by a family member/sick of being used for homework (delete applicable).

Requirements: Sympathetic Draco. Used and Abused Hermione.

Draco finds out because they share rooms and he happens to walk in on her slitting her wrists/reading a traumatic letter/sobbing uncontrollably about her inconsiderate friends (delete applicable).

He is deeply sympathetic.

He comforts her and she realises he is not an evil little boy or potentially dangerous and he really 'cares' and 'understands her' (this either due to Lucius beating him/Lucius abusing his mother/Lucius forcing him into an evil future of money and power and killing people).

After many a secret conversation (Harry and Ron don't know because they are insensitive/too protective to find out/inconvenient to the development of the author's plot) Draco and Hermione realise they love each other. Yay!

They share a beautiful moonlit kiss (in which Draco (unfeeling Slytherin bastard) convinces Hermione that guys aren't all that bad so she should risk the wrath of her (insensitive/protective/inconvenient) friends and his (rich/powerful/evilevilevil) father to live happily ever after.)

All problems that bought them together are officially forgotten (Hermione's depression evaporates/the abusive family member spontaneously combusts) to be replaced with issues of a deeply unaccepting society (i.e. Angry well-wishers.)

d) Draco is depressed/abused by father/sick of being forced into joining the Dark Side.

Requirements: Tortured Soul Draco or Reformed and Redeemed Draco. Bleeding Heart Hermione.

See c) and switch Hermione with Draco.

e) Draco wants to reform.

Requirements: Reformed and Redeemed Draco.

He is sick of his evil father and his money and fame – he wants to be a good guy. (There are a number of reasons this could come about though him being secretly in love with Gryffindor's Golden Girl is a firm favourite.)

Here follows a traumatic account of betrayal of blood and confessions from the heart. Hermione laps it up and they snog passionately on their shared Head Student couch.

e) Hermione wants to be a bad girl.

Requirements: Sex God Draco or Bastard Draco (Sympathetic Draco will suffice, though it would defy the point of making Hermione bad). Material Girl Hermione or Used and Abused Hermione (depending on why she decides to change).

She decides the best course of action would be to become Draco Malfoy's whore.

Harry and Ron disown her (cant think why…) but Draco (ever loving, sex god at 17) takes it upon himself to talk them round.

All live happily ever after. (Other than Pansy Parkinson who was Draco's original whore and does not take well to being replaced by 'the mudblood')

(Sequel may include Pansy's Revenge (often funded by Lucius Malfoy).)

Alternative Plot Bunnies (the retarded ones with bent ears and bulgy eyes) (do with them what you will):

A. Instead of Hermione dressing as a maid to infiltrate the Death Eater inner circle why not have Draco become a house elf for the Order? Set in Draco's POV the fic would consist of many traumatising and enlightening experiences (i.e. Harry or Ron in the shower, Snape being a 'good guy', provocative tangoing with Lupin and McGonagall.) Hermione would be the only one treating him as a human being and eventually he would begin to appreciate her. (She may also use him as her one confidante and he would realise her loved her while she sobs out her life story to him.)

B. Hermione dies. (No, she isn't resurrected by a distraught and super powerful Harry.) She dies and remains dead. And then Draco develops necrophilia. Mwauhaha.

C. They are Head Boy and Girl. (Oh the originality!) However, Dumbledore doesn't make them marry for the good of inter-house unity, he makes them spend Christmas at each other's houses. (Lucius Malfoy objects but whilst in Azkaban can do nothing.) Draco realises he likes Mr and Mrs Granger and is transformed from evil devil spawn to Oliver Twist. Then they spend New Year at the Malfoy's and fall in love while dancing at the big New Year's ball. And then they are brutally killed by angry Death Eaters. :)

D. Hermione kills Lucius Malfoy like a good little auror. Draco finds out. Draco hunts her down and extracts his revenge. Slowly, Painfully and with relish. She is bled dry and he does not regret it. The do NOT fall in love. :)

E. She has her eyes brutally skewered out during the war. He takes advantage of this.

F. Draco decides that instead of turning punk/goth and developing an odd addiction to Sex Pistols/Slipknot he will turn hippy. Make love not war is precisely what they do. Meet long haired, tie-dye Draco. :)

G. She rapes HIM. (Expand and explore the causes and effects.)

H. He is an insomniac and they share rooms. (Yay!) She notices and tries to help (notices he's an insomniac… not that they share rooms…). Eventually he is bored to sleep with her theories behind the causes of it and decides he loves her because she has 'bought him peace'.

I. Ginny plays matchmaker. Problems occur when Blaise Zabini turns out to be gay and in love with her brother. Subsequently Hermione ends up falling for Draco Malfoy. Bummer.

J. He saves her life and kills himself with the shame. Draco Malfoy Commemoration Day is announced. (Spin off from Romeo and Juliet.)

Alternative Sources of Inspiration:

Star Wars (There's a Dark Lord isn't there?)

The Phantom of the Opera (It's Beauty and the Beast minus the happy ending. I personally think Draco would look great with that cool semi mask thing and the songs are so pretty...)

Pulp Fiction (Who needs teen comedies? Guns, drugs and violence is all you need for true love. (Also, twisty turny plots are fun to read.))

The Lord of the Rings (See reasons alongside Star Wars.)

Hannibal (He likes eating people. That's cool.)

Thank you for reading and Good Luck with your future Dramione fics. :)

Hermione stared at the closing words of the mysterious book with the red cover and silver spine.

"Good Luck with your future Dramione fics…" What on Earth could it possibly mean? Were there people out there who could control these sorts of things? Was that why her and Draco's relationship had had so many unexpected and contradictory dramatic events? Was this why Draco's personality had morphed over night? Why her hair had changed colour and style and makeup became a regular morning ritual?

Were people out there watching?

Eyes wide and horrified she spun to face the window, birds whistling innocently in the suspiciously-too-bright-for-English-July sun.

Something was very wrong with this situation.

To Be Continued…

AN: Who wants to be a darling and review despite the fact they've read it all before? I lost almost 50 reviews when they deleted this fic and I would love so much to get even a quarter of that back. Go on… you know you want to! (And the fun continues in An Intermediate Guide… too!)

AN II: Also from the series:
- An Intermediate Guide To Dramione Romance
- A Beginner's Guide to Marauder's Adventures

- A Beginner's Guide to Lily-James Romance (title subject to change)