Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is copyright Arakawa Hiromu, Square Enix, Studio Bones and, in America, Funimation. No infringement or disrespect is intended by this non-profit work of fan fiction. This is a work of noncommercial amateur fan fiction; it is not published for profit or material gain. The author and the posters have no intent to infringe any intellectual property rights held by the owners of existing copyrights in Fullmetal Alchemist or its derivative works. The author retains copyright to this work.

Salad Fruits

The crash was loud enough to get the attention of most of the people in the building and, Roy Mustang thought with just a touch of annoyance, probably several people outside of the building, as well. Within minutes, Roy and a dozen other people stood tentatively outside of the room from which the sound had originated, the expression on their faces varying from outright fear and trepidation to annoyance and outright anger.

It took a few minutes for someone to muster the courage to open door, and Roy felt his annoyance melt into slight concern when they finally managed to pull it far enough to see inside, and to allow a large amount of unnaturally green colored smoke to billow from the room. A towering form loomed through the haze, although it became less frightful when it spoke.

"We're sorry. We must have made a calculation error. Could someone help us please?"

Alphonse Elric.

So, Roy realized, the other half of the "we" mentioned must be…he peered inside the room, through the slowly clearing smoke, and his anger suddenly faded completely, because the picture inside was chaotic, but entirely amusing.

He didn't even want to know what they'd been trying to do.

The Fullmetal Alchemist was practically tied in a knot in the center of the room, eyes ablaze in a manner that both amused Roy greatly and reassured him somewhat, since no one who was severely injured could look that pissed off. His head was tilted almost straight back, and something was stuck in his mouth. Roy couldn't quite place it and, as he took a step forward, his foot hit something that squished underneath it. Cautiously, he looked down.

An orange was oozing juice over his foot. He raised an eyebrow, and continued walking into the room, although with a bit more caution this time. The closer he got to Ed, the more defiant the young Alchemist looked, although Roy couldn't help but think that the boy was being somewhat foolish. In Ed's position, defiance just looked ridiculous.

More fruit was littered around the boy, and the clincher to the utter hilarity of the situation was the banana. It was the only one still intact in the room, and it looked as though whatever had gone wrong had made sure of that, since it seemed downright indestructible.

It was also buried quite deeply in Edward Elric's mouth, far enough that Roy had to raise an eyebrow at the apparent lack of gag reflex from the boy. Roy raised one gloved hand to his face in a gesture that he hoped came off as annoyance, but was really to hide the smirk that was begging to turn into outright laughter. Roy sighed.

"Get this cleaned up, and then come of my office, Fullmetal!" He snapped, turning and walking out of the room while other, more helpful people, came in, assisting the poor boy from getting untangled from the mess that had been created. Roy heard Ed's gag reflex finally kick in as someone pulled the banana from his throat.

Roy shook his head. He had a phone call to make.


Ed paused outside the Roy's door, waiting for a moment. He could hear Mustang's voice through the wood, and could hear the amusement dripping from the Flame Alchemist's voice.

"Yes…completely socketed. I'm telling you, he redefined the word!"

Ed growled, and knocked loudly on the door. He would have liked to simply barge in, but even he didn't have quite that little regard for manners. He heard Roy bid goodbye to whoever he was speaking too, and then he called Ed in, hanging up the phone as he did so.

Roy wasted no time in getting to the point. "What exactly happened in there?"

Ed shifted uncomfortably. "We misjudged something in our calculations."

Roy waved his hand. "Obviously. I want to know the details. You ruined a great deal of fruit in your little escapade and, well," He paused for a moment, "I'd say it doesn't grow on trees, but most of it did. But we don't have a lot of trees here!"

Edward sighed. This was quite possibly the stupidest botched transmutation he'd ever had the honor of explaining. Okay, not the stupidest by a long shot, but certainly the most inane.

"We wanted some peaches." He said lamely. It was the truth, after all. Winry had been talking about how she loved peaches and, since she was coming to visit, he'd thought that perhaps he could surprise her. But the fruit wasn't available right now, and making some had seemed the easiest way out.

"Peaches?" Roy echoed incredulously. He thought about demanding more information, but thought maybe he didn't want to know. He certainly wanted to know how such a transmutation could have ended in the disaster that it did, but he imagined that Ed would not be open to such an explanation. He stood, slowly. "You did clean the room up, didn't you?"

Ed nodded. "Yes sir. Only the fruit was ruined, and I purchased that myself."

"Good to hear." Roy replied. He sighed. "I suppose, as long as you've done that, then there is nothing else I can really say. You're dismissed."

Ed looked at him for a long moment, and the defiance began to grow in his eyes.

"Is there something else, Fullmetal?"

"What did you mean, when you said I gave a whole new definition to the word socket?"

Roy smirked. "You were listening in on my conversation? That's not very polite."

Ed looked at the older man levelly, "It's also not polite to talk about people behind their backs."

Now that was a response that could be appreciated. Roy stood, placing a hand on Ed's shoulder.

"I simply meant that your talents could be appreciated. Not many men have mouths that could accommodate such a length." Roy paused, looking at the defiance in Ed's gaze. It would be cruel. "Although you did seem stretched to your limit"

Ed's defenses spoke before the logic in his brain caught up. "That wasn't my limit. I could have held a lot more than that!"

No one had ever said that Roy Mustang was a kind man.

"Really?" The Flame Alchemist practically purred, waiting for the moment when Ed's brain would finally catch up to what was happening. "Care to demonstrate?"

"Of course I'll demonstrate." Ed said snappishly, and Roy could barely contain his laughter. This was too easy. He ran his fingers up Ed's neck to cup the boy's jaw in his hand, studying his mouth intently.

"I can't wait."

Ed paused. Roy could practically see the wheels turning in the boy's mind, the clarity, and then the utter rage in Ed's eyes when everything came together.




Ed snapped.

For the second time that day, concerned alchemists gathered outside a door in their office building. The picture that greeted them was a bit more disturbing than a botched fruit salad.