Hello everyone. This is the first time I've actually posted anything on here, so I'm a little nervous if people will like my story or not!
I've always loved Mamoru, but I feel the animators did him a severe injustice when transforming him from the manga to the anime. The English dub's done him an even bigger injustice…he's truly 'lost in translation.' And I haven't read that many fanfics with him in the first-person (aside from Pandora Waldon, whose stories are legendary.) So I decided to write one in order to help him 'redeem' himself.
I'm a hopeless romantic and have loved the Usagi and Mamoru relationship for years. Still, while watching the episodes (in English when I was younger, Japanese now) there are some things that just never added up to me, in particular the whole King Endymion sending Mamoru nightmares idea. There's just got to be more to it. So that's what this story is based on, with heavy content from "The Shocking Future! Dimande's Dark Ambition" ("Legend of the Negamoon"). I've also added that great stare down between Tuxedo Kamen and King Endymion from "Wiseman's Evil Hand! Chibi-Usa Disappears." It's so moving! It really helps back up my story -
Send all comments, questions, etc. to If you didn't like it, please be gentle.
Standard disclaimers apply.
I'm still not quite sure why I did it.
I know, it seems like a ridiculous answer coming from me. After all, if you look at my background, the whole situation seems completely ridiculous. I was a highly driven and motivated student, always at the top of my class. I studied as an exchange student at Harvard for a year. My English is flawless. I took college level courses as a freshman in high school. On the battlefield, I was a strategist, arriving just in the nick of time to rescue the heroine or offer advice. I designed the state-of-the-art security system that protects the crystal palace. Hell, I should be able to tell you. But as I lay here with my beautiful wife in my arms, I am reminded that the mind is hopeless when it comes to my Usako.
Usako, Usako…God, how I missed you.
Perhaps I had gone mad. It sounds logical even to me. For months I roamed the desolate and dark corridors of our Crystal Palace, my body wounded but my mind refusing to let me stay in one place. Alone for months, my only comforts the Sailor Senshi who were constantly protecting our last line of defenses and the body of my sleeping wife encased in crystal. My Usako, locked away from me and my desperate hands Always looking, but never touching. Such torture is bound to drive anyone mad eventually. But I know that's not true.
Why the dreams? Why did I send my younger self images of the death of his new bride? "To test your love?" HA! Even I should have been able to come up with something better than that. Ours is a love of legend and lore. I have sacrificed my life more times than I can count for her safety. After we had first met I would spend countless hours of my life scheming to intentionally 'bump-into-her' or get her attention. I'd take anything, give anything to get her to notice me back in those days, even her annoyance. So no, our love had not needed testing. Mamoru loved her and protected her with every fiber of his being. Their…our power as a couple is unstoppable.
They seem so foolish now, those dreams...but I was not thinking clearly at the time. Now as I reflect, I realize just how absurd they really were. I could've put my Usako in unnecessary danger without his protection, but I was driven by emotion and not my finally-honed mind. So I'll tell you why I send those dreams of distraction.
Yes, the always calm and collected King of Crystal Tokyo does have his flaws. What could I possibly have to be jealous of? My beautiful wife and I jointly rule during the prosperous Crystal Millennium. We have a lovely young daughter and the deep friendship and loyalty of the powerful Sailor Senshi. Our reign was a peaceful one. Our love was finally united and our destinies fulfilled as they should have been eons ago. But paradise such as this does not last...
The Black Moon Family of Nemesis decimated our city and instantly my perfect world was shattered. My Usako, the powerful and benevolent Neo-Queen Serenity, was snatched from my grasp, my dear daughter sent to the past, and the Sailor Senshi consumed their energy round-the-clock to combat the enemy. I was alone. And in my loneliness I began to hate him. He had everything I wanted and so desperately needed: My daughter, the Sailor Senshi, peace. But most of all, he had her. A look, a few choice words would have her running into his arms. Her eyes, her smile, her laugh...and I HATED him for it. I HATED him.
Chiba Mamoru. My 20th Century self.
Now, before you condemn me, you must first consider my position. I have been around for a very very long time. The power of the ginzuisho endows the bearer, her family, and her subjects with an unnaturally long life. With this in mind, you must realize that there ha been only one time in my life where I had been without my Usako. It was a life of uncertainty, routine, and loneliness. My life was EMPTY. Until I had first laid eyes on her...
Legend tells of our meeting in this life over a crumpled test paper, but few know that I had known Usako long before this. The light to my darkness, absolutely everything I am not. As I sat in the Crown Cafe day after day with my cup of straight black coffee, I would watch her. Blonde hair to my black, petite frame to my tall one, enthusiasm to my monotony. Compassion and love to my aloofness. Her light brought me out of my world of shadows and her life has been entwined with mine ever since. I vowed I would never go back to that empty world alone.
Over the years, I had kept that vow. Countless times have I protected her, saved her from harm and destruction. In doing so I was a target to many of the Senshi's opposition. As a powerful warrior, I was desired by many. Several times had I been captured, frozen, turned 'into' the enemy. However, with each occurrences I was in a way 'blessed' to be in a state of semi-consciousness. I never truly felt the pain of separation from my Usako.
But the Black Moon Family snatched that comfort away from me and for the first time I was thrown back into a life without her. It was then that I could finally appreciate her heartbreak, fear, and anguish each time we were separated in the past. But I am not strong like her. My will is nothing compared to hers. So I brooded in the dark and desolate Crystal Palace. I was swamped with fear and anger. I needed to direct all of that malice at something or I would truly go mad. Of course, my thoughts immediately focused in on Demande, the prince of the Black Moon Family. He was the cause of the loss of my wife, my daughter, my very way of life. I remembered all too well his lustful eyes during his family's diplomatic meetings to our planet, the way his eyes stripped her of her gown each time he gazed upon her. I remember my breaking point as my fury unleashed, my fists clenched to my sides, as I jumped from my seat after I could take no more of his indecency and demanded he remove himself from our palace. I remember how those eyes would constantly fill my mind and I would unconsciously clench my fists and curse his name. But all of this channeling gave me no comfort or relief. I could do nothing to Dimande with this broken body of mine. So I tried to channel my rage elsewhere: The Black Moon Family, The Senshi for failing to protect the Queen, the then-unknown thief of the ginzuisho, Sailor Pluto for erasing the memories of our past, even Serenity for leaving me. Everything, anything...but nothing would satisfy me. So I tried to think of other things, of my daughter and her mission to find the past's ginzuisho. My poor daughter, who had been sheltered, pampered, and I'll have to admit a bit spoiled her entire short life, would be all alone in Tokyo with no one to turn to but my dear Usako and...
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea...
All of the pent-up anger, frustration, fear, and yes, the jealousy exploded in the pit of my stomach and coursed throughout my body. The weeks of helplessness, the anguish of losing my family, they all honed in on...myself as I had been during the 20th Century. My mind was racing. Why should HE have everything? Mamoru was a top college student with his entire life ahead of him. He was able to be with the friends who cared about him, the little pink-haired girl who had quickly bonded with him, and the girl who loved him unconditionally. And he took it all for granted. He would brush Usako off, convinced that she would ALWAYS be there for him. He'd scold her for her grades and tease her over her monstrous snack addiction. Didn't he KNOW that time with Usako is precious?
I was so angry I couldn't see straight. He could see her, touch her whenever he chose. And he chose NOT to. What I wouldn't give to touch my wife, hold her once more...and all of these thoughts and feelings gave me energy, such as I had not felt before or since. I'd show him to take Usako for granted! If I couldn't have her, then neither could he!
With that thought, my subconscious was sucked into what seemed almost like a black hole in my mind. In anguish I raced down a connection link that was quite old, but seemed very familiar. It seemed to transcend even time and space and for a moment I almost snapped out of my trance as I stood in awe of my ever-growing mental prowess.
I continued to speed down the trail, passing thoughts, memories, images, but I was moving much too quickly to clearly inspect them. They all seemed so familiar and comforting somehow, like I was returning home after a very long and difficult journey. Everything was so warm, so tangible, so inviting...
"Omedetou!" "Omedetou!" Congratulations
What was going on?
Guests, gifts, music, flowers...
No, our 'wedding.'
For a moment, I was speechless as a flood of emotions overwhelmed me. Had I finally managed to connect with my wife? Could it simply have been that after all of this time she was sleeping and...dreaming?
But wait. Usako had not looked so young on our wedding day. And her dress...I would never forget how she looked on that day...this was not the dress she had worn. And we had hardly had this large of a ceremony. As a matter of fact...
"Mamo-chan, watashitachi kekkon dekita node." Mamo-chan, we're married.
And suddenly, I remembered I had had this particular dream more times than I could count as a young man. I was in Chiba Mamoru's mind. MY mind. 1000 years in the past.
And there I was...as I had been so long ago. Standing next to her in a white tuxedo as we walked down the isle. The happy couple with the perfect life. How my life HAD been.
"Usako." He was so close, so close...
That uncontrollable anger swamped over me again. 'What did you do to deserve her?' I wanted to scream at him. 'All of this happiness? You don't understand how precious your time is with her! You just expect her to bounce into your arms as surely as the sun will rise tomorrow! CAN YOU POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND A WORLD WITHOUT HER!'
And then it happened. All of my fury and frustration tore the dream world apart and Usako was ripped from Mamoru's arms.
"Usakooo!" He screamed as he watched his bride fall in the abyss. He fell to his knees and pounded the ground with his fists. And a wave of satisfaction swept over me. 'Now you know, Mamoru. Now you truly know what it's like to be without her.'
But did he really? After all, this was only a dream. In a moment he would wake up from this nightmare, terrified to be sure, but in the back of his mind knowing that those awful images truly were dreams. Besides, it would be only a matter of time till he ran into her as she sprinted to school, late as usual.
'No! It's not the same. You will not know my pain until you cannot touch her.' And then the words formed in my mind.
"Chiba Mamoru," my voice boomed, surrounding the fallen man. "Omaewa Tsukino Usagi ni chi ga zuiteka moraun." You must stay away from Tsukino Usagi.
"Omae wa dare da?" he demanded. Who the hell are you?
I ignored his frantic questions. "Futari ni subareshiku sekai ga koukai, Tsukino Usagi, tsunawa Purinsessu Serenitei ni fuko ga okondearou." When you two are together, the world will crumble and Tsukino Usagi, in other words Princess Serenity, will suffer misfortune.
He narrowed his eyes and clenched his fists to his sides. "Sonnakoto shinjirareruka? Usou da!" You expect me to believe that? That's a lie!
With that the link was severed and I was immediately swept back to the 30th Century, my own nightmare. But I had planted the seeds of doubt in my younger self's mind. Still, it would not be enough, I knew that much. He would write this dream off and return to his normal life. A life with Usako. Suddenly, my life began to have purpose and meaning again. I would do everything in my power to keep my Usako away from him until he truly learned to appreciate her.
Yes, this hardly sounds very logical, I know. But you must remember that my emotions are irrational and run rampant when it comes to my wife. She is the most amazing woman I have ever met. Beautiful, loyal, powerful, and with the most upbeat personality imaginable…Only a fool would take someone such as her for granted. And if I couldn't hold her, touched her, kiss her, love her, then I would hardly stand by as someone else could...and wouldn't. Even if that someone else was, in a sense, me.
I knew the only way Mamoru would stay away from Usagi was if the dreams would plague his entire conscience. So I lurked like a shadow in the back of his mind, always waiting until he began to drop off to sleep to recreate the dream sequence.
He fought like hell against me, though, as I knew he would. He wouldn't sleep for days and always tried to take control of the dream. "Matta omaeka. Itte dare nanda?" You again? Who the hell are you? He'd yell, demanding I answer him. But he was no match for me. My mental powers had increased a hundred fold over the years. So I redoubled my efforts. I sent him images of my own personal hell, the decimation of Crystal Tokyo, the Queen incased in crystal, my anguish and despair…It finally was wearing on him, but he continued to fight me. I needed to branch into his world, remind him that I WOULD be taken seriously. I shattered picture frames that contained photos of the two of them as a couple. I played mind games with Mamoru, sending him visions that came to pass in the real world as they had in the dreams. After weeks of opposing me, he finally gave in and broke up with her.
I thought I had won. I had thought that after so much time and effort spent ripping Usako away from Mamoru as she had been ripped from me in this life that I would finally feel the ultimate satisfaction. After all, misery loves company.
Still, I could not relish in my victory. Though Mamoru refused to stay involved with Usagi, he wasn't truly without her. They would bump into each other constantly, see each other daily. Though I had made Mamoru's live miserable, he would never be able to truly feel my pain. They were still connected by that ancient link that would always let him know if she was alright. He could talk to her, gaze on her, rescue her. Love her from afar. I could do none of those things and in my rage, I made a mistake: I sent the dream to Usagi one night.
That made for some interesting turn of events. I thought surely my little guilty pleasure would end that night. After all, she confronted him, demanded to know what was really going on. Though he finally let her in on his motivations, the dreams still haunted him and he refused to jeopardize her safety until he knew exactly what they meant. I still had control. I could still keep them apart.
Still, it was not the same. After that night, Mamoru worked like a man possessed to discover the origin of the dreams. He slowly moved back into a relationship with Usagi. I sent the dreams less and less often because I was less and less satisfied with their results. I should have known I could never keep Mamoru and Usagi away from each other for long. After all, I had once been the young man receiving those nightmares. I knew exactly what drove him. However, I did not stop the dreams altogether. They began to serve a completely different purpose for me.
Being connected to my past in some strange sense gave me the strength for the future. Through Mamoru, I knew that my daughter was well and was constantly reminded of my dear Usako's persistance. She loved Mamoru and Mamoru loved Usagi. It was such a simple truth, but it gave me hope. In those two, I had a chance of happiness again. I should have known all along.
Still, my outlook was still quite bleak. Our kingdom was destroyed, the subjects asleep or dead, my daughter dodging attacks from the Black Moon Family, my queen…I continued to be plagued by this desolate aloneness. No one could understand my pain, not even my former self…
Ironically, it was he in whom I finally reached an understanding. However, I had nothing to do with what directly set those events in motion. After months of waiting, watching, brooding, my daughter finally returned to the 30th Century with the legendary Sailor Senshi, Sailor Moon, and…
Needless to say, my introductions were hardly welcomed warmly. The Senshi took on a classic battle stance. Tuxedo Kamen, in a midst of rage and confusion after recognizing my voice as the very one who had plagued his nightmares for months, charged me. I smiled and shook my head, laughing to myself at my own naivety as I began to remember a very similar situation that I had thought Pluto had taken from me forever. We stared at each other, him on the ground after his failed attempted to strike me, me tall and regal, sizing each other up. Then I smiled down at him. I had turned his very world upside down. The very least I could do was give him, give her, give them all an explanation as to what they were up against.
Of course they were apprehensive at first. But I told them everything I knew, anything that could possibly help them defeat the Black Moon Family: The second ice age, the great sleep, Neo Queen Serenity's awakening and the founding of Crystal Tokyo. The origin of the 10th planet Nemesis, the subsequent battles, and the family's eventual banishment. That the Sailor Senshi continued to protect the royal family, that crybaby Tsukino Usagi would one day rule as Neo Queen Serenity and that Chiba Mamoru would rule beside her as King Endymion, her husband. Our peaceful reign, the unexpected attack from Nemesis, the attack on the queen...And then I told them of our daughter, their daughter, Small Lady.
I gazed at the couple with a knowing smile as they stared in awe and then embarrassment as they cradled their future daughter. All the while, my eyes drifted over Sailor Moon, the former form of my wife. 'Oh, Usako,' I thought as she reddened in embarrassment once she realized just exactly what she would have to do to have a child. 'if you only knew how much I've missed you…'
Then, all hell broke loose.
The ominous presence of dark energy filled the room. In my weakened state, I could not hold the image of myself for the group and quickly vanished from view. However, I knew exactly what was going on. I quickly realized that as Tuxedo Kamen was experiencing something, I was rapidly remembering the same event at the same time.
Now, this all might come as a complete and total shock for you. I mean, it has been assumed that I had known exactly what would happen all along: The kidnapping of Sailor Moon, my daughter succumbing to darkness, their eventual triumph over the Death Phantom. But you must remember that the passage of time is a very sensitive and delicate thing. It is only tampered with when all other possibly options have failed. Sailor Pluto knew as well as I that I would not have been able to sit idly by if I knew exactly what was to transpire. I would have tried to change it. So you must understand, I knew no more of the outcome against the Black Moon Family than anyone.
It was Dimande. He had found our base, the shields receded so the Sailor Senshi of the past could enter the palace. I had been careless, so excited had I been able to see Usako, even if she truly wasn't truly my queen. No one stood in his way. I, who had thwarted his attempts time and time again to take my wife by force, was incapacitated and the Senshi were rendered powerless from his psychic powers. He could do as he pleased. Still, he could not really get to my wife now, so he would settle for the next best thing: Sailor Moon.
I returned to the group as soon as I was able. The Senshi stood there in shock. But Tuxedo Kamen…the fury, the anger that radiated from him was so thick you could cut through it with a knife. Those carefully controlled emotions exploded to the surface for all to see as our daughter lay almost forgotten in his arms. And the power…I could see the stirrings of the ancient power in him that would one day unleash forth as his birthright as ruler of Earth. But now was not the time to marvel. I was filled with his blinding rage at everything and everyone who had failed to keep our Usako safe. He WOULD get her back. There was no other possible outcome.
"Do not despair," I told them calmly, though fury too was burning inside of me. Still, I kept my emotions firmly in check. This was not my battle nor my true wife. Everything was up to my former self. However, I would help him anyway I could. "I may have some idea as to where they are headed."
With hardly a nod, Tuxedo Kamen handed Chibi Usa to Sailor Mars and we were off, our anger giving us unnatural speed and energy. We raced through the desolate halls, dark corridors, and pounded up the flights of crystal steps. Tuxedo Kamen hardly glanced at the palace's priceless décor and architecture. His mind was on one thing only.
We reached the highest room in the tallest tower of the palace in record-breaking time. The vast gardens that made up the greenhouse were all cold and dead, the fountain silent. But the height and wind would serve our purposes well.
I walked to the control panel near the door and pressed the large button in the center. Slowly, the top of the dome began to open, revealing the dark ominous sky above. I pressed another and the large shed housing various tools and equipment unlocked.
I pointed Northward. "Dimande has most likely taken Sailor Moon back to his own crystal palace," I mused as I slowly made my way towards Tuxedo Kamen. "The trek is not too far, but youma are everywhere and their own wards would surely deter you. We have preciously little time to spare for anything. The fastest and safest possibly way is by air." I nodded towards the shed. "Inside is a hanglider that should be able to carry you to his castle. You should be able to find her when you arrive." There was no need to mention the cord that connected us and Usako together.
Tuxedo Kamen stood rooted to his spot, his eyes gazing off towards the black crystal castle in the distance. He said nothing for a long moment and then all the anger and frustration that he must have kept inside him for so long exploded. He whirled around and nearly charged me again. "Why?" He yelled, standing toe to toe with me, our eyes locked in combat.
I could've taken his question any way I wanted. I could've answered anything. Why was she taken? Why does he want her? Why did this happen? Why? Why? Why? But I knew that was not what he asked.
"We have no time," I said moments later, the first to turn away. "You must rescue her."
"No," he yelled. "It's your fault, your fault for this whole mess in the first place. Do you have any idea what I've been through? The hurt and pain I had to cause her? The terror I felt every time she was near me? The confusion and self-doubt? The heart-break? None of this would have happened if it weren't for you." He raised his arms and tried to grasp my shoulders, forgetting for an instant that I was not really there. He yanked them back angrily. "You needed to test our love? You know how much I love her! I'd do anything to please her, I'd DIE to protect her. I HAVE died to protect her! Our love would be even stronger if you had not kept us apart." He was shaking now, his eyes ablaze with fury. "Why did you do it?" He nearly screamed. "Why!"
I gazed at him sadly and knew I had been a fool. But, as I had said before, reason does not influence my decisions where my wife is concerned. "I'm sorry," I said after a moment. I saw my eyes reflected in his matching set of piercing sapphire and they were…tired. "I'm sorry," I repeated, "I know you are angry with me. I know your pain. But you cannot know mine." I pointed to his chest. "You still feel her inside you. You know every little thing she is feeling and thinking. You know she is alive!"
My voice continued to rise as for the first time all of my fears spilled forward. "I cannot feel her. For the first time in a thousand years, I feel empty. She's locked away from me, frozen in time, and I don't know if I will ever gaze into her deep blue eyes or feel her body next to mine ever again. " I clenched my fists as I tried to keep my emotions in check, but I could keep nothing inside now. "Do you remember your life without her? Truly without her? You can't, it will drive you mad."
I was starting to yell now as the tears that had wet my eyes spilled forward. "I have, for months I have. But you have her! She adores you! You have only to smile, wave, say a few short words and there she is, barreling into your arms like a lineman." I also began to shake, but I hardly noticed it. "Every day, every moment with her should be cherished. It's a blessing. Her smile, her laugh, her warmth, they all brought meaning and a purpose to everything! You cannot take that selfless love for granted, not even for a moment because you cannot know if this day is your last!"
Tuxedo Kamen and I stared at each other for a long, long moment. It was as if time had stopped. And maybe it had, you never know in this universe. Then he nodded and ran off towards the shed, throwing open the doors and grabbing the hangglider.
I watched him as he made a running leap off the edge of the palace and sailed off towards Dimande and Usako. There was nothing more I could do. There was nothing more to say.
I stood in the middle of the barren greenhouse as the memories of Tuxedo Kamen's flight slowly came back to me piece by agonizing piece. After months of silence, I had finally bared my soul…to myself. A heavy weight felt lifted from my shoulders. I had confessed, had finally voiced my frustrations and loneliness. But most importantly, I had warned my former self to not make the same mistakes I had made. To never to take our darling Usako for granted.
The heaviness of my heart still burdened me, however. My wife was beyond my reach and lost to me. I was still alone in our ruined Crystal Palace, alone in desolate Crystal Tokyo. Bust as I remembered as Tuxedo Kamen's rapid-fire actions became my memories, I began to hope as I scarcely had hoped before. Dimande was overtaken. Usako was saved. Tuxedo Kamen had fought his separation from Sailor Moon and won. I remembered the relief, happiness, and love I felt as I too had rescued my Usako when placed in Tuxedo Kamen's shoes many years ago. It gave me hope. We had beaten the odds before. We could surely beat them again.
Their reunion was sweet. The Senshi all scrambled to be the first to hold her, hug her, and make sure she was alright. But Tuxedo Kamen held back from the scene. He smiled fondly and then shifted his gaze to mine. We both shared a long, hard look, the King of the future and the hero of the past. His stare said it all. Now he truly understood my loss. Now, he knew exactly what is was like to be without her. Now, through a heart-to-heart and not ominous dreams, he understood everything.
I should have known that my plea to Tuxedo Kamen would have been for naught. His memories would be erased as mine had been centuries ago. He would make the same mistakes as I had. He would take her for granted. He would not remember our conversation. He would not remember me.
But now, all is as it should be. Tuxedo Kamen and Sailor Moon are back together at last. There is peace in their time as there is with ours. And I have not forgotten. I have lived a life without my Usako and it is hardly a life worth living. I have been given another chance. My kingdom has been restored. My daughter is safely tucked away in her bed. My wife is in my arms.
From now on, I will take nothing for granted.