A/N : I was terribly terribly boooooooored. And this plot bunny attacked me. So I had to get this done before my ankles were devoured.


Disclaimer: I own the 80 things... Everything else belongs to a wonderful Scottish woman.

80ThingsThat Harry Is Forbidden To Do

1. Just because I am the Boy-Who-Lived does not make me God, and I am not allowed to call myself such.

2. I may not scream that the First Years are midgets during the Sorting.

3. My name is Harry Potter, not He-Man, Master of the Universe.

4. I may not pin-up my teachers' pictures under the 'Wanted: Escaped From Azkaban' list.

5. I must not ask the teachers what they are smoking.

6. I must not ask Professor Snape whether he is trying to make a fashion statement by not washing his hair.

7. Hedwig cannot be held responsible for my actions.

8. I should not tell First Years that Hagrid is only taking them into the Forbidden Forest so that he can tie them onto branches and leave them to their doom.

9. Nor that Snape is planning to stew inept Potions students in one big cauldron for dinner at the end of the year.

10. I am not allowed to answer 'That's what you think', when professors ask me to arrive at their classrooms for detention.

11. I may not offer a breath mint to Snape when he hovers near me.

12. Professor Dumbledore's beard is real, and I am not allowed to pull it to prove otherwise.

13. Voldermort is not my father, no matter what Star Wars says.

14. I must not accuse Professor McGonagall of being Michael Jackson in a wig.

15. Nor accuse Gringott's goblins of being Seven Dwarf wannabes.

16. May not insist that everyone must call me 'Big Daddy'

17. May not throw spitballs at passer-bys as it is rude.

18. Should not laugh at Voldermort.

19. May not ask Voldermort whether he is a girl, no matter how high pitched his laugh might be.

20. I may not sashay into the Great Hall during dinner covered inonly whipped creamtopped with a cherryand yell, 'WHO WANTS DESERT?'

21. I cannot whistle or catcall if any professor bends down to pick up something.

22. I'm not allowed to walk into the Great Hall in a toga and insist that Yoda asked me to.

23. Not allowed to use Gryffindor's sword to disprove "The Pen is Mightier than the Sword".

24. I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore whether he met Jesus, even if he looks that old.

25. I musn't drug his lemon drops either.

26. I can't stick my telescope in his eye and claim to be doing an Astronomy project, no matter how much I'm convinced he has stars in his eyes.

27. I must not proclaim Remus as Sirius's bitch.

28. Or vice versa. Inferiority complex.

29. I must not ask Ron whether red is his original hair colour and then proceed to tear out his head to see whether he's telling the truth.

30. I must not throw Hermione's Hogwarts: A History out the window and then claim that it wanted freedom.

31. I will not arrange my food to resemble body parts.

32. Or Voldermort's head.

33. I may not wake Ron upby smashing a lamp on his head.

34. I will not tattoo 'Barbie Wannabe' on Draco's forehead while he's sleeping.

35. I'm not allowed to dress up Crabbe and Goyle in tutus and proceed to reenact the Nutcracker Suite either.

36. The Dalai Lama is not an imaginary voice in my head.

37. I am not allowed to allowed to run around naked screaming 'Voldermort has stolen my clothes!', no matter how much I know people want me to.

38. I have been forbidden to say 'But I'm Sirius!' to Snape ever again.

39. When the tailor asks me whether I can suck in, I am not allowed to reply with an 'I swallow too!'

40. I am not allowed to sing the chorus of 'Hit That' to any of the teachers when they walk by.

41. Neither can I sing 'Push the Button'

42. 'My broomstick' may not be referenced to any part of my body.

43. I cannot change the school song to 'Hot in Here'

44. Clothes are not a hindrance during flying, so I am not allowed to fly naked during Quidditch.

45. I must not charge into war naked either.

46. I cannot tell Voldermort that the only reason why he's so uptight is because he needs to get laid.

47. I can't say that to McGonagall or Filch either.

48. Add Snape to that list.

49. I am not allowed to threaten or bribe younger students into calling me 'Master Harry: Sex God'

50. Our Quidditch motto may not be changed to 'We will pound you in hard and deep'.

51. Neither will it be 'Our broomsticks are the longest and toughest'.

52. We may not have any motto until I can think of a non-sexual related one.

53. I may not try to arrange a communal shower or an orgy.

54. Animals may not play Quidditch, no matter how much Mrs. Norris looks like she wants to.

55. Clothing is not optional in school.

56. I may not bribe the announcer into singing 'Harry is Our King'.

57. I am not allowed to host karaoke contests fromthe announcer's bootheither.

58. I am not allowed to hug passing Quidditch playersduring the game as a 'divisionary tactic'.

59. I may not use the goal posts for pole dancing or any strip shows.

60. I must not instruct my team to 'drink the blood of your defeated enemies, as it gives you hidden powers and strength.'

61. I must not go around asking people what gender they are.

62. I am not allowed to wear a Superman cape, and lurk through the corridors and jump on unsuspecting victims, while singing the Batman theme song.

63. Flitwick will not melt if I throw water on him.

64. I am not allowed to sing 'If only I had a brain' whenever Neville walks into the room.

65. I am not allowed to scream 'IT IS ALIVE!' every time Filch walks past.

66. I am not allowed to speak to people in Morse code.

67. I must not blow my nose under a Sonorus charm every time Dumbledore opens his mouth to make an announcement.

68. I'm forbidden to answer my Professor's questions with an 'Only God knows'.

69. I must not arrange interviews for the 31st of February.

70. I must not tell people that they are as pretty as pictures and ask whether I can hang them.

71. I may not go around encouraging house elves that water is very precious and that we should replace it with Fire Whiskey.

72. I must not laugh and scoff at everything Lavender says.

73. I must not throw unsuspecting people off the Astronomy Tower to find out whether they can sprout wings.

74. I will not tell people that to avoid the Dark Lord, you have to take my mark, and proceed to 'mark' them by giving them a hickey.

75. I will not steal mascara and kohl from the girls' dormitories, no matter how much I want to look like the lead singer of Green Day.

76. I must not hide not hide under my Invisibility Cloak and make the First Years think they can hear voices.

77. I should not tell Hermione that I think the Ron has herpes.

78. I must not hold up my crucifix towards Snape and say 'Fiend! Desist!'

79. Must not stare out the window and smile at passing birds while a Professor is lecturing me.

80. I am not allowed to ask girls whether they want me to set their 'Goblets' on 'Fire' as it gets me punched.

A/N: Sooooooo? Whaddya think? Worth of a review! No flames please! And I'm sorry if I have offended anyone in the story.