Disclaimer: The "Owner's Guide and Manual" format/series of stories does not belong to me. I do, however, have Theresa Green's permission to use this format, so if you want to write your own manuals, you'll have to ask for her permission to use the said format.
Final Fantasy 7 belongs to Square Enix.
A/N: My own take on the infamous 'Manual' series. Special thanks to Wicked Enough, Hikari Hrair-rah, and all the other talented writers who inspired me to do manuals for Final Fantasy characters. If you want to do a Final Fantasy manual of your own, please ask permission from Theresa Green and give your sources proper credit in the author's notes. Thanks!
Congratulations! You now have your very own CLOUD STRIFE unit, the infamous ex-SOLDIER leader of the renegade team AVALANCHE! In order to get the most out of your money and out of your unit, we recommend that you read this manual before doing anything with your CLOUD STRIFE
Product Information and Specs:
Name: Cloud Strife (will also respond to "Cloud", "Cloudette", "Ms. Cloud", "Spiky", "Pokey", "Failed Sephiroth Clone", and "$$#0!") Feel free to call him "Cloudy-sama", "Dumbass", "Hunnybuns", or any other name you like.
Date of Manufacture: August 19
Place of Manufacture: Nibelheim Mountains Baby Factory
Height: 170 cm/ 5'7"
Weight: 60 kgs/130 lbs
Your CLOUD STRIFE should come with the following accessories:
One Dark Blue Sleeveless Turtleneck with Silver Shoulder Guard on left shoulder
One Pair of Baggy Dark Blue Pants
One Dark Brown SOLDIER Belt
Dark Brown Suspenders
One Pair of Black-Brown Gloves
Three Silver SOLDIER Cuffs
One Pair Dark Brown Boots
One Silver Stud Earring
One Overly Large Sword
"Wall Market Dress-Up Set", "Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Costume Set", and "Kingdom Hearts Stolen-from-Vincent Valentine- Cosplay Set" for yourCLOUD STRIFE unit are sold separately. Please consult your nearest Final Fantasy Collection© dealer for more information.
Removing your CLOUD STRIFE unit:
Note: Contents may have settled to the bottom of the box during shipping.
When you receive your CLOUD STRIFE unit fresh from shipping, you will notice that the box he came in is moving by its own and there are shuffling sounds coming from inside. This is perfectly normal. Your CLOUD STRIFE unit is just trying to find his way out of the box. But because of the industrial-strength tape and cardboard used to pack him in, it isn't going to be easy for both of you. Before 'releasing' your CLOUD STRIFE unit, you might want to step at least 50 meters away from the box as to not be beheaded by an absurdly large sword. After putting the said distance between you and the box, take a deep breath and shout any of the following phrases at the top of your lungs:
"SEPHIROTH IS COMING!"
"AERITH'S BEEN KIDNAPPED!"
"TIFA'S SKIRT FELL DOWN!"
"ESTUANS INTERIUS IRA VEHEMENTI… SEPHIROTH!"
Or, for more humorous purposes:
"HEEEERE'S DADDY CORNEO!"
You should then hear a manly scream coming from inside the box and more shuffling sounds, after which, a loud WOOSH sound should fill the air and you'll find the box in which your CLOUD STRIFE is in being hacked to pieces without any obvious effort from your CLOUD whatsoever. As a CID HIGHWIND unit would say, "Industrial-strength tape my ass."
You will then find your CLOUD STRIFE unit staring blankly at you for a few seconds after he got out of the box. Again, this is perfectly okay. Your CLOUD has been programmed to look confused all the time. He will then ask you, in his CLOUD STRIFE Voice of Serious Thinking©, "Where's Sephiroth/Aerith/Tifa/Corneo?", depending on what you shouted to get him out of the box. Give him a blank stare, shrug, and run like hell behind him and give him a good clout to the head. That should knock him off long enough for you to program him according to your needs.
Your CLOUD STRIFE unit has been programmed with several useful habits. He can be an effective worker in any of the following fields:
Mercenary: Your CLOUD STRIFE, of course, used to be a member of the elite organization SOLDIER. Of course, that's what he thinks, so don't expect him to be able to take down even a headless chicken with its wings cut off.
Bodyguard: With that big-ass sword of his, you'd expect him to be good for something, right? You've bought the right unit! As a member of AVALANCHE your CLOUD STRIFE will have no problem dealing with the toughest of stalkers and suitors. As long as the job doesn't involve any serious thinking, he'll be fine.
Stalker: With his excellent cloaking capabilities, your CLOUD STRIFE makes one heckuva good stalker. Wanna find out what that neighbor of yours has been doing all night with that CID HIGHWIND unit of hers? Just lend her your CLOUD STRIFE unit and he'll surely be back with juicy gossip.
Babe Magnet: Golden blonde hair, piercing Mako Blue ™ eyes, that oh-so-sexy blue turtleneck… no woman, living or otherwise, on the planet will be able to resist the charms of your CLOUD STRIFE! Just set up your CLOUD for a date with the neighbor's AERITH and in five seconds flat a TIFA unit will come bouncing by. Ah, the power of the CLOUD STRIFE…
Chocobo Bait: No need to explain this.
World Savior: Even if your CLOUD might make some bad choices later on, you will find out that he is almost always willing to correct his mistakes. Such as giving the Black Materia™ to a random SEPHIROTH. But don't worry, all it takes are 240, 976, 885.346 mortal lives to correct this. To prevent this, never ever show your CLOUD any materia, or anything shiny for that matter. Unless you want to prove that your CLOUD has high entertainment value, but I'm sure you can get that elsewhere and in other ways.
Your CLOUD STRIFE has been programmed with the following modes:
Psycho Stage 1
PSYCHO Stage 2
VERY Irked (locked)
Out of Character
Note: Some owners might find it difficult to distinguish between the Psycho Stage 1, PSYCHO Stage 2, Hostile, Irked, Kinda Irked, VERY Irked, Pissed Off, and Out of Character modes. We therefore advise all CLOUD STRIFE owners to see and observe all the modes programmed into their units so that they would have a basic idea of which mode is which.
Relations to other units
As you buy more units, you will find that some of them tend to be compatible or otherwise with your CLOUD. Below, we have listed some of the most basic:
AERITH GAINSBOROUGH: This sweet and caring Flower Girl from the Slums© will expose your CLOUD to high doses of love, gentleness, and the joy that is cross-dressing. In time you will find that your CLOUD and AERITH are spending more and more time together, but make sure that they don't get too close, unless you want your CLOUD to spend the rest of his life in Heartbreak Ville.
TIFA LOCKHEART: Beautiful and bouncy (heh) TIFA is your CLOUD's childhood friend. With her yeowza martial arts skills and drop-dead gorgeous looks, kicking monster ass together with your CLOUD will be a cinch. If, by any reason, your AERITH unit dies/is incapacitated, your CLOUD will start spending more and more time with the TIFA instead.
SEPHIROTH: Don't ever, ever leave your CLOUD alone with this unit, lest you want your dreams to be filled with carnage and screams of the living and the undead.
DOOMSDAYERS™ VALUE PACK: Do you have a hankering for mayhem? Want to see Midgar, Corel, and Rocket Town explode simultaneously? Does your CLOUD want to have more drinking buddies? Then look no more! For an introductory price of only 15000 gil, you can have your very own CLOUD with bosom buddies CID and BARRET! Known collectively as the DOOMSDAYERS™ because of their kick-ass limit breaks, these three will surely give you hours of fun and entertainment- that's more bang for your buck!
THE COMPLETE AVALANCHE SET: Wanna catch them all? For a very special price of 35000 gil, the whole of AVALANCHE units can be yours to keep! Set up a play with TIFA as the Sugarplum Fairy, AERITH as Maria, and CLOUD as the NUTCRACKER.See BARRET and CID chase CAIT SITH all over the place because he's a traitor. Watch RED XIII and VINCENT exchange inspired views as they watch the world news. They'll surely give you countless hours of clichéd fun!
Note: YUFFIE unit unavailable. Don't ask, and we won't tell.
As your CLOUD already has the mindset and thinking of a 21 year-old man, he will most likely clean himself without being told. However, it has been noted that there are particular CLOUD units who enjoy being lavished with loving attention during bath time. If you have such a unit, and you have time to spare, then go ahead and dunk your CLOUD in the bath or in the local swamp.
ShinRa Inc., is not liable for any marital disputes which may arise during the cleaning of a CLOUD unit.
We recommend that your CLOUD have at least 6 hours of sleep for fully efficient functioning. There have been cases wherein a CLOUD got only 2 or less hours of shuteye and that resulted in him going mentally unstable and ended up killing everyone, even the kitchen sink.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ):
Q: I want to unlock my CLOUD's 'locked' modes, but I don't wanna do anything difficult. Tell me how to cheat!
A: Tsk tsk. To cheat, simply do the following:
Have a SEPHIROTH kill an AERITH in front of your CLOUD to unlock his 'Mournful' and 'VERY Irked' modes.
For the 'Friendly' mode, leave your CLOUD with an AERITH or a TIFA in a room overnight. You'll find that your CLOUD is more than friendly towards the two female units the morning after. (wink wink)
Q: I adore my CLOUD, but he can't keep up with all the chores I've given him! Can I buy one more?
A: Due to the undying demand for CLOUD units and an international treaty banning the spread of brainless robots who unwittingly cause the death of their loved ones all over the planet, I'm sorry to tell you that only one CLOUD is allowed per household.
Q: Help! My CLOUD used to be a polite (maybe) unit, but now, when I tell him to do his chores he answers me back with curses and cussing! What should I do?
A: Did you leave your CLOUD with a CID and/or a BARRET unit for extended periods of time? If so, then that's the cause of your problem. Don't ever leave him for too long with those two. To fix your CLOUD's cussing problem, simply leave him with a VINCENT and/or RED XIII. Your CLOUD will sound like Edgar Allan Poe in no time.
Q: It said in your manual that my CLOUD would make a good bodyguard. Well, now we're being chased by Cloud fangirls and we can't get away! And there's a huge gap between where me and my CLOUD are standing and the path to our freedom! What should I do!
A: Ah! Now you have the chance to witness one of your CLOUD's special abilities: high-level jumping! Just reach down your CLOUD's right leg (not that far) and pull up his right pant leg (not that high). You should see a small panel on his calf labeled 'FROGGER'. Open it and press the red button inside. Now hold unto your CLOUD and get ready for the jump of your life! He'll cross that 40-foot chasm without breaking a sweat.
Q: My CLOUD wants a chocobo of his own. Should I just buy one or breed a chocobo for my CLOUD?
A: Each option has its ups and downs, but Chocobo Co. recommends breeding one. As a breeder you'll be able to control what qualities go into your chocobo, such as speed, intelligence, stamina, and juggling skills. Breeding a chocobo might be a bit pricey, but you'll be able to earn back all the money when your own hybrid chocobo blazes through the races. Sell some items to earn some funds. Like your CLOUD's clothes and accessories, for example.
Problem: My CLOUD keeps on shaking uncontrollably on his knees and goes on and on about this 'AERITH' chick.
Solution: Your CLOUD is suffering from the "Oh-no-I-caused-AERITH's-death-by-giving-SEPHIROTH-the-Black-Materia-and-now-I'm-screwed" glitch. Did he see any AERITH units impaled by a SEPHIROTH lately? Such an incident would have triggered the glitch. CLOUD STRIFE manufacturers are currently working on this problem. There have been a few cases like yours, though; as your CLOUD is normally an insensitive prick oblivious to the deaths of those around him. Send him to a CLOUD STRIFE technician immediately.
Problem: My CLOUD just bred with the neighbor's AERITH. Help!
Solution: You're asking for help… why? Pretty soon you'll have your very own SORA! The SORA unit fights with an overly large weapon just like his father, and his brown hair and over-the-top cuteness factor came from his mother. That's a limited edition you've got there! The SORA unit isn't even available for distribution yet! On the other hand, you might want to buy your neighbor's AERITH to avoid… legal complications.
Problem: A lot of people are crowding my yard together with their SEPHIROTH, CID, BARRET or RUFUS units! What the hell!
Solution: You've got quite a case of yaoi supporters there. To get rid of them, just shout that there's an AERITH/TIFA unit over at the next town. Those yaoi followers will immediately leave your yard to get rid of the female units. When they're gone, you might want to dig an underground shelter where you can stay with your CLOUD when the crowd comes back or until the mob subsides.
Problem: My CLOUD often disappears for long periods of time, and he won't tell me where he went.
Solution: Your CLOUD is most likely just keeping his Costa del Sol villa safe from thieves and fangirls. It's normal CLOUD behavior, or, at least for those CLOUD units whose owners were kind enough to buy a villa for their CLOUD.
Problem: My CLOUD doesn't want to do anything but play dress-up. He even stole my lip gloss and blush powder! Why!
Solution: Is your CLOUD set on 'Cross-dressing' mode? Turn it off immediately after the Wall Market quest! Or else you run the chance of other units (that includes the CID and the BARRET units) playing 'dress-up' too. You don't want that to happen, trust me.
With tender loving care and just the right amount of scolding and spanking (not that kind of spanking), your CLOUD will grow up to be a fine movie star, mercenary, or whatever career path you want him to take. And because he is a certified Bishounen©, rest assured that pretty soon you'll have lots of SORAs or CLOFAs running around the house, breaking your valuables and other whatnot. Be sure to designate in your will who among your children will inherit the CLOUD after you die, as the CLOUD has been known to be a bone of contention.