This is an Artemis Fowl one shot. It's all humour, and it's all silliness, but it's classy silliness, I think. So have a go, read it. Oh, and by the way, if you're a fangirl of Artemis Fowl, read the dedication /wink/ it's special.


-White Scribe

And, no, I don't own any of the characters, cept for Kathleen, but who cares about that. Artemis Fowl and all unoriginal content within this fanfic is Colfer's work. Blah blah blah.



To all those who enjoy fantasies of the clever boy who discovered the fae of our world, hidden beneath or feet. To those who imagine him in detail while reading the books, ignoring almost to a dim extent the actual plot of the story. To those who write tales of their own to satisfy their facination with those dark blue eyes. To all those who are fangirls of Artemis Fowl II. This, is for you.


Glitter, Lipstick and a High IQ

Seething, the fourteen year old prodigy stormed into the room, and though the irritation was very much deserving of the word 'storm' there was also a panther like grace that followed his vexed movements.

Brow furrowed he closed the door, quietly, though it actually took some effort and then turned to look around the study, having expected Butler to be within.

He studied it in silence, the smooth red oak of the shelves and the flickering shadows of the light that flowed in through the curtains as the wind moved them. "Butler? Butler?" he stopped after the second 'Butler' hearing a note of urgency close to panic in his voice that not only startled him, but vexed him.

Frowning at himself he listened and then from behind the desk came a small grunt and Butler's shaved head popped up. "Sorry, Artemis. I'm fixing the server system. It crashed everything, including the security cameras. I have Juliet going around checking things out, but I want it up and running as soon as-"

Impatiently, Artemis walked over and sat down at the computer, typing rapidly, making Butler blink mildly at him. "I'm well aware that the security system is down, Butler. There's a mob outside." He more or less snapped, and frowned again at the massive amount of... well, emotion, in his voice.

Butler was up in less than three seconds, which was impressive for any man, let alone one over thirty and his size. "A mob? Is Juliet not watching the gates?"

Artemis didn't reply, his blue eyes coldly focused on the screen, rebooting everything from scratch.

"I would presume she's trying her best." was the boy's calm reply followed by the sound of the door being flung open and Juliet, panting and slightly ruffled up ran into the room.

Butler and Artemis both stared at her, her entrance startling enough to make them both silent.

"There's this...massive mob... just outside the gates..." she managed between breaths.

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Artemis turned away to look at the screen again. "I need to bring this system back up. Meanwhile, please get rid of those people." he muttered, engrossing himself completely in his work.

Butler hesitated to leave, then upon Juliet's urging walked out, calculating in his mind the many ways you can knock down people like bowling pins...

It was two hours, many scratches and runny make up later that Butler returned to the study to find Artemis finalizing details on the network, which had faught him furiously all the way. Sighing the boy pushed away from the computer and rubbed his eyes, standing as Butler entered.

The manservant was covered in dirt, there were tears in his clothing and stains that looked to be lipstick and several shades of eyeshadow smeared across his shirt.

Needless to say, Artemis was rather startled.

"Butler. Whatever happened? It looks as though you fell into Juliet's room."

Butler would have found Artemis saying that the most amusing thing of the day... if it had not been true.

"It was the crowd outside." He muttered, touching a massive hand to a scratch above his eye.

There was silence for a moment, as though Artemis were processing the thought and then very slowly, when he realized he didn't understand he asked. "Lipstick and eyeshadow?"

The manservant would have glared had he not been his employer but instead sighed and stated rather grugidly.

"It was a large group of teenage girls."

Artemis raised both eyebrows. "Teenage girls?"

Butler grumbled then and sat down, rubbing at a stain of red lipstick across his chest. "Yes." At this he did not manage to withold a smirk. "They wanted to see you apperantly."

Silence, cold slightly wary silence.

"Me?" Artemis repeated, and then deciding he did 'not' want to sound like a parrot continued. "That's propostrous. I don't know any teenage girls aside from Juliet and I don't really think she counts."

Not bothering to point out that she would be insulted, the elder Butler child continued.

"Well, they seemed determined to see you. And as far as I'm aware that's the only reason they gave for being at the gate."

If Artemis could have turned any more pale he would have. "Why in all the gods name would they do that?"

Perhaps if he had known that the answer would come crashing into him in the shape of a pink, scantily clad, blonde haired princess he would have kept his mouth shut.

However he did not know and as he asked the question the door flung open behind Butler and the pink, scantily clad blonde princess tackled Butler's principal to the ground.

The scream that ripped the room to shreds was so loud and so high pitched that Butler actually let go of the girl in order to cover his ears which forced Artemis to deal with the groping pink... thing on his chest all alone.

It was only after he had managed to get her hands to loosen around him enough so he could breathe that he realized that the screeching sound she was making was in fact her chanting in long notes "Arty!" over and over, making his ear drums scream almost as much as his nose felt like screaming for the perfume all over her was over powering him nearly to the point of dizziness...

Though that could have also been the lack of air, as her arms tightened around him more.

"Butler, for god's sake- what do I pay you for!" Artemis managed to cry out as she took another breathe to screech again. Finally Butler grabbed hold of the girl again and rather forcefully pulled, only to find that her grip was tight enough to pull Artemis along with her, something that shocked both of the males in the room.

Suddenly and just in time to save Artemis the Second from passing out Juliet came in and grabbing the first thing she could get her hands on (it happened to be a heavy encyclopidia britanica) she hit the girl over the head and the chaos more or less came to a very sudden stop. If only it had been the end.

Panting and actually frightened, Artemis pulled away from the girl's sudden loose grip, crawling backwards until he hit the bookshelves up against the back wall.

Juliet, rather breathless as well sat on the ground, staring at the girl with large eyes. "What...what...what..." she tried, but didn't manage to finish.

Butler rubbed his eyes and stood, hands on his hips to catch his breathe.

"How did she manage to get inside?" Artemis asked and rapidly shut his mouth, hearing his voice being a tad higher than he remembered it being regularly.

"I have no clue. She must've done that when the security was down." Juliet muttered, reaching for the girl's blonde locks to examine her face, which was useles for she was wearing about a mask's worth of make up.

"We should get her off the grounds while she's out. She puts up a good fight." Butler muttered, moving to pick the girl up, (he hesitated to do so, mind you) Artemis however stopped him.

"No wait. Take her to one of the empty rooms." he muttered, his voice coming back to it's regular pitch. "I'm curious to know why she came in here like that..."

Juliet opened her mouth to say something but a warning glare from her older brother made her quiet herself and grumbling she walked out, followed by Butler who picked the girl up and nodded towards Artemis. "I'd say she has about an hour. Juliet hits hard but not that hard."

Artemis pulled himself off the floor, disgusted by the perfume smell that seemed to be attatched to his clothing suddenly.

"All right, just...get her out." he muttered, waving his hand at Butler who nodded, seeing as he was breathing through his mouth in an attempt to escape the force of the smell.

Grumbling and slightly thrown out of balance, Artemis headed towards his rooms where he planned to shower and change. Hopefully Mother would not notice that he no longer wore the shirt she had given him. It would have to burned, that smell would never leave no matter the times it was washed.

ONE HOUR LATER (mwuahahahahahahaha...)

The security room was dark aside from a single white screen with a pile of pink at the center. There was rich normality on all other screens. Artemis sat silently and clenching his hands in front of him watched as the pink pile shifted and then sat up, blonde permed hair tumbling all over. He twitched slightly at the glitter over her face and groaned, rubbing his face. Why me?

Butler then walked in quietly, closing the door behind him and bringing the room once more to darkness.

"How is she?"

"Awake." Artemis replied shortly, sounding less than joyous. "Ah." Butler said softly, then cleared his throat in the silence.


"I'm going." Artemis snapped, standing and heading out the door gloomily. He stopped halfway out the door.

"Oh, and Butler, leave this room unless I call you... and you're fired."

Butler was left smirking in the darkness, amused by the sudden lack of security in the young Master Fowl.

Still, grumbling to himself Artemis headed down the stairs, his hand smoothing over the bannister. How did I end up in this?

He stopped then in the door way and looked at the shfiting shadow inside of the room. She was awake and by the sound of the teary sounding sobs... being irritable.

"Pleasant." he muttered and knocked.

Sudden silence met his ears. Rolling his eyes he opened the door.

The scream that hit him was like a physical force and for a moment he was tempted to slam the door shut again but grinding his teeth he stepped in and was slightly startled to find her curled at the opposite corner with her face buried in her arms yelling something that resembled 'Don't hurt me! I'll call my lawyer! I swear!"

He stood there in silence for a second and then sighing with the utter annoyance of it all he closed the door quietly and sat down at the small plain table set with two chairs one on either side. He waited then, with his hands folded in front of him, for her to stop.

It took... a surprisingly long time...

...a long... long...time.

After the third minute of screeched excuses and tears Artemis finally snapped. "Be silent!"

There was a half sob half gasp of surprise and she stopped, looking up with mascara and other... odd things running down her face along with the tears.

"You... you..." she stuttered. Artemis blinked at her, wondering if she had never been told to be silent before...

"You came! You CAME!" and in less time than it takes a squirrel to climb a tree she was up and running at him. With a compressed cry Artemis stood, keeping the table between them cleverly.

"No." he stated, as though speaking to some sort of animal. "No."

She stood on the other side, sniffing at the tears and obviously slightly agitated. "But, Arty you came, and I thought that-"

"Do 'not' call me that." he snapped impatiently, making her gasp slightly and look down at her hands with her lower lip trembling. He stared. "Oh God... do not start crying again..."

The girl however, as if waiting for something like that to be said burst into loud bawling and sat down on the chair with a less than graceful grunt. "I knew it... I knew it... you're completely like they said."

He cocked an eyebrow, and still hesitating to sit down shifted his weight. "What?"

She looked up at him then, rubbing her eyes and leaving smears of make up all over. "You're just as hot as they said, Oh my God, you even made me cry, look at that, like honestly, you're just gorgeous, I swear-" she went to grab his hand which he rather rapidly snatched away, taking a step back sharply in shock.

"I'm what?"

"Oh COME on. You haven't looked in the mirror? Just... god, I could eat you, I swear... look at those EYES!" she stood then and leaned over the table, squinting at his face, making him press against the wall, which was the furthest he could get from her at that moment.

"Uh, I really don't think this is-" he began and then made a noise which might have sounded something like a "gah!" of surprise and jumped to the other side of the table as she moved to clomp him. "Come on, Arty boy. I'm not that bad." she winked cheekily, earning nothing by deep loathing from the 'boy'. "

I have my personal opinions in that area." he retorted uneasily, noting that the door was now further than before.

"Please- okay, I won't touch you at all, I swear- okay, maybe I shouldn't swear, you never know- Oh, i LOVE your hair. It's just so... I dont know- it's just hot. Just look at you. I can't believe i'm actually talking to you. I mean... I never thought I'd get to, so I didn't get to stop and think of what I'd say, you know-"

"You think?" Artemis asked skeptically, making her laugh, which was one hundred percent unintentional.

"You're kinda funny, you know!" she grinned and sat down, pouting. "Okay, so I get you have this personal space problem, I'll totally keep my hands to myself, okay?"

"Personal space 'problem'?" Artemis asked, mainly himself, since she was talking already about his clothes, which he was glad to know she thought were a poor choice.

"And like... maybe a black hoodie... yeah you'd look hotter in a black hoodie... Oh my God- like, a skateboard one. Skateboarders are hot..." she drifted off and looked towards the ceiling as if picturing them. There was silence...

Artemis cleared his throat. She snapped back into reality and laughed. "Oh my Gosh, I'm so sorry. Dreaming about other hot guys is probly (yes, 'probly, not prolly or probably, probly) not very polite in front of another hot guy, huh? Cus if a guy did that to a chick the chick would like... dump him... Oh my God, don't dump me okay?"

Artemis started. "What? I can't 'dump' you-" he began and was rudely cut off by her flinging herself at him and once more ending on the ground with a lack of air and a mass of perfume.

"I love you too!"

"What! Get OFF." he grunted, shoving her roughly off, finding stregnth he had 'not' known he had.

"I meant I can't 'dump' you because I'm not dating you." he growled, smoothing out the wrinkles she had caused on his dress shirt.

The girl sat in silence on the floor a moment, shocked and then looked at the ground, making smooth circles with her hands. "Oh..." she mumbled. "Right."

"Indeed." He sighed, realizing this was his chance to escape. Determined, he began to head towards the door.

The girl stood suddenly and flung herself in the way. "WAit! We can work this out- we can totally move past this. Everyone has arguments- maybe it's cuz you dun even know my name! My name's Kathleen- or Katie if you want or Kittie, what do you want me to call you as a nick, cuz you don't seem to like Arty very much...":

Artemis stared at her stonily for a moment in utter awe of the stupidity being displayed before him.

"I'd ask politely for you to get out of the way, but I don't think you understand civilized vocabulary." he grumbled, trying to find a way around her that wouldn't involve touching her in any way.

"Oh come ON! Please? Please just listen to me." and she moved out of the way and sat on one of the chairs.

"You came in here to talk right? Like, I can totally talk." she held her hands in her lap in a lady like manner and it would have been reassuring if she hadn't had make up streaking her face.

Artemis stared at her and for a moment there was something like mixed hate and pity. "I think I'll be leaving now." he muttered and slipped out the door just in time to escape her attempt to snatch at him again. He stepped back and away from the door as she pounded it with her fists and screamed.

Juliet and Butler stood outside, smirking broadly and in Juliet's case on the floor laughing.

Artemis sighed and shook his head a them both. "You're both fired." he grumbled, though they knew it wasn't true and silently he went to heal his traumatized mind.


I hope you all liked! If you want me to write a lil more of it here and there, please R&R and lemme know. I have some ideas about how Juliet and the girl would get along. And perhaps even Butler. Mwuahahaha, anyway, yeah... please Review! Thanks!

-White Scribe