Once upon a time, there was a girl called Tom. No really, her mum wanted a son. And she grew up, married Harry, and lived happily ever after. Er, No actually, it was Hermione she married, under the new civil partnership act. She killed Harry. Or at least, ordered Harry's extradition to an oppressive dictatorship in Africa, which has a dreadful track record of misplacing suspected traitors. And he hasn't been heard of since.
So, you want to know who Tom is? No?... Piss off then. You already do? Wow, you're smart! Yup, it's our own dear lord Voldemort! What's that? Voldemort's not a girl? Um, actually, she is. That's just what they want you do think. Seriously, did you wonder not why she was so psychotic? Because all her life she's had her true gender suppressed, and she was bullied horribly as a child for being girly. Hmmm, how perceptive!
And now to Harry. Harry, despite his hugely successful "golden boy" act, is, or shall we say was, actually a double agent. No, he was NOT working for Voldemort! That's just silly, and rather clichéd. He was working for a certain African dictator who shall not be mentioned for legal reasons. Beginning to see the pattern?
Anyhow, it all began when Hermione, Ron and Harry, in one of their usual unlikely escapades, finally tracked down Voldemort (yup, again) in Amsterdam, committing a heinous crime on an old muggle bloke… Only this time he was wearing lipstick. And a blonde wig!
Confused by the evident lack of logic to this rather feeble muggle disguise, Hermione went over to see what the problem was. As she got closer she found to her horror that it was an entirely different act he was committing, and that it was in fact legal. In Holland, anyway...
It was then that Hermione realised the truth; Voldemort was a woman, and a cheap one at that.
So now on to Harry. While searching for Voledmort, Harry had somehow managed to annoy the CIA. Goodness knows how, but riding his broomstick over area 51 was probably not the best of plans. Anyhow, when the African dictator whom shall not be mentioned for legal reasons (Yes, law suits are far scarier than unforgivable curses), suddenly displayed abnormally detailed knowledge about secret American security plans, and reports were leaked to the media about what looked like a teenage boy with messy black hair, flying over the military base on a broomstick, Voldemort knew exactly how to get back at his old enemy.