Author's Note: Okay, a V-day oneshot inspired by watching alot, and I meana lot of cheesy romantic flicks. Trust me, not my own choice. Raven might be a little OOC, but hey. This is how I imagine her if she were real. A sarcastically funny, down to earth romantic cynic. Just like all of those hilarious novel heroines we read so much about these days.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans.
I don't even know how I got here. Damn you Kori and Jenn, damn you to hell. Forever may you burn in the fires of your own sick, twisted plots. May the little horned man poke and prod you with hot burning coals on the end of a stick, right where the sun don't shine. All for you and your meddling ways.
Okay, I may be exaggerating a tad bit. Maybe a lot. But you have to admit, getting dragged to these things is not only humiliating but its social suicide. Not that I cared much about my social standings… If I were to be seen here by someone from work. By all means, kill me now. I tried to tell them this isn't my scene. That was an understatement, not only was this not my scene, it wasn't even my planet. Who have thunk, the cold hearted bitch Raven Roth could be caught dead at a speed dating service. If I may reiterate, kill me now.
"What's your sign baby?"
This is torture. Twenty men. Twenty! Ten minutes each. I have to sit here through 3, count them 3, fucking hours. On a Saturday night, where I could be at home reading or doing something productive with my time. Like counting my ceiling tiles or trying to memorize the dictionary.
"If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?"
'Smile politely' I kept thinking to myself. No use, three guys in I lost the polite smile and flat out told them that I wasn't interested, resulting in 9 minutes of awkward silences. An on they went. Moving onto the next bimbette beside me.
"Do you have a map? I just keep getting lost in your eyes.
Half the men here are acting as if they were God's gift to women, the other half acting as if they've never seen a woman. Tell me now, if you're the shit and you could get any girl you wanted, then why are you even here? Why are you wasting your time here, when there could be some under-aged hormone driven teen you could plunge right into… in a club… elsewhere… away from me?
"I'm very, very lonely and I was wondering…"
And you… yes you. The one with the pocket protector, no I'm not trying to pick you up. I'm trying to tell you a woman does not want to be compared to software. I don't care that you're a Jedi master or how fast your hard drive is, and if that was a sexual innuendo, it wasn't a good one. So why don't you go home, you forgot your dignity. And while you're there, tell your mom I said hi.
"I know a great way to burn off the calories from that pastry you just ate…"
I sit here, listening to one lame pick-up line after the other. And sometimes they don't stop after the put down. They just keep talking, as if they think that if they keep talking, I'll forget they were full of it and fall madly in love…. Ooooo.
"I'm new in town; could you give me directions to your apartment?"
And the women who would fall for these idiotic lines are even worse. Have you no self-respect? The woman next to me giggles at every lame line and stupid joke. Her laugh is like a drowning Chihuahua, it makes me want to pop her head like a pimple and watch as the blood oozes out and stains her lovely 'virgin' blonde hair… I'm sorry, can I get another drink?
"You be the Dairy Queen and I'll be your Burger King: You treat me right, and I'll do it your way."
Well… That one was original.
"Bush should stop lookin', cuz I got a weapon of mass destruction in my pants."
O God, that was disgusting.
"Roses are black, violets are red. What's it gunna take to get you in to my bed?"
An eye test… roses are black!
"Wai-wai-wait…Le-let me try that again…that came out wrong"
You came out wrong. Then, suddenly, as if out of nowhere…
"Hey, do you have the time?"
This guy sits across from me. I was expecting another smooth talking asshole with a shiny shirt. I get a relatively cute guy wearing a dark forest green turtle ribbed neck. He has his sleeves rolled up past his elbows and was leaning across the table, looking as if he were actually asking for the time.
"How many times did you use that line today?"
He sort of looks at me funny, "Excuse me?"
I snicker a little, he is kinda cute. And I wasn't staring at how nicely his green eyes went with his turtle neck. Or how sexy his messy hair actually was… not staring at all.
"Oh, you're good. I suppose you're going to say something stupid like, 'what time do you have to be back in heaven?'" He looks at me genuinely confused.
"Sorry ma'am, I'm not looking to pick you up. It's just… God I hate this place, I want to get out now. I was wondering how much longer." I tried not to look dejected when he said he didn't want to pick me up. God, what is wrong with me? I don't want to be picked up.
"Yes well, you're not alone. I got dragged here by two over-eager friends of mine." He threw his hands in the air as if to say 'same here'. Then he leans in as if to tell me secret.
"I just got off an engagement. My friends dragged me here too."
"Yea… but it was two years ago," he laughs, burying his face in his hands, "I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I must sound so pathetic."
"No, actually, you're the most un-pathetic guy I've seen all day. And by the way, you've got about one girl after me, and then you're done."
He smiles and for some unknown reason, I notice he has really sharp canines that stick out when he smiles.
"Great, I suppose you don't' mind talking. You know, to kill time."
I smirked back, "I don't see the harm."
"So, read any good books lately?" I had to stop myself from laughing out loud and managed to hold back a snicker.
"Are you kidding me?"
I shook my head, "I don't know, that just doesn't seem like 'speed dating' conversation."
"Oh," he cocked his head to the side, "and what does? Talking about how beautiful you are and how much I want to see your beautiful hair on my pillow? No thank you."
"Something tells me it's not just the guys here who are desperate." I lean in, propping my elbows up on the table. It's the first time my arms have moved from their place, sternly across my chest, and yes, trying to cover them. They're a little numb but it didn't matter.
"Wow, the women here. They are all over you. Especially if your hair isn't greased back or parted down the middle."
"I am truly ashamed to be of this gender whom have tortured you so."
"Hey, I should talk… men must have been all over you. Spewing out lines and such."
"What makes you say that?"
"Why wouldn't they." O God, I just blushed. I hope the low lighting covered it. The he smiled, shit, it didn't.
"I don't even know why I bother with the dating scene. The whole club thing is tired, besides, I don't exactly attract attention from those type of guys."
"I'm not exactly the wild, partying go-getter." He chuckled.
"Well, I'm a wild, partying go-getter. Yet, I'm enjoying this conversation we're having."
"I don't know how much of a conversation it is."
"What do you mean?"
"We've been talking for, what? 7 minutes? And about what? The pathetic crowd we are both currently a part of?"
"Okay, then let's talk about something else…Hey did you hear the one with th-"
I cut him off right away, for God sakes he was trying to tell me a joke, "Uh, actually the present topic is pretty interesting as it is."
"Sure. Tell me, what do you think the is an appropriate age gap for a relationship."
"It depends, who's older, the guy or the girl?"
"What does that matter?"
"It matters plenty, if it's a young girl with an old guy its jut wrong…"
"But an old lady with a young guy is perfectly okay and not sick at all?"
I just stare at him, baffled by the fact we're even talking about this.
"What are we talking about?" I crack up laughing.
He laughs too, "I don't know, you wanted to keep talking about dating. Okay, okay. So how old are you?"
I look at him sideways, trying to decide whether I should tell him the truth, "27." Yes, the truth.
He nods, somewhat resembling a bobbing head dog, "And I'm 25, does it bother you in any way that I'm younger?"
"25! God, you're like a child!" He chuckles, as do I. I'm glad that sarcasm wasn't lost on him, "No, that doesn't bother me. Then again, we aren't dating…"
He stares at me, the smile not fading from his face, "Yes, well…"
The alarm went off. The men around him noisily get up and rotate. He looks around confused, not getting up from his seat. That's when I see it. I saw it a mile away. The guy on the table before me looks me up and down and winks then starts to make his way to my table. Across from me, he is trying to tell me something but I can't hear him through the noise. I shake my head and shrug my shoulders indicating that I can't hear.
Suddenly the new guy is at his seat and taps him on the shoulder. Turtle neck guy holds up a finger, asking for a minute and the new guy shakes his head and tries to push him out of the chair. They're gunna fight, O Lord, kill me now.
One thing led to another, and the guy in the turtle neck ends up getting kicked out. A shame really, he was cute too.