Note: So here I am, finally giving in to the temptation of Theresa Green's wonderful idea. Thanks and credits to her for starting all this. Thanks to Capcom for providing a cornucopia of characters to toy with (-insert evil laughter here-).

So here we go, presenting proudly as ever

Albert Wesker: An Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of an ALBERT WESKER unit! In order to obtain top performance from your captain, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual.

Note that there are currently two editions of our WESKER unit available to guarantee a wider range of sexy evilness. You may chose between

(a) Type I CAPTAIN ALBERT WESKER

(b) Type II ALBERT WESKER CVX

Please ensure that you have been issued with the edition of your choice as confusing these two types may result in severe malfunctions and/or permanent damage to the unit and/or his owner.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: Albert Wesker (may be referred to as Wesker, Captain, treacherous bastard or Albie, although the latter is not recommended)

Manufacturer: Evil Traitor Inc.

Year of Production: 1960

Height: 6ft ( 183 cm)

Weight: 186 lbs ( 84 kg)

Length: not human anymore

ACCESSORIES

(a) Shades

(b) Spare shades

(c) Spare spare shades

(d) Handgun of your choice (Beretta M92FS if not otherwise stated)

(e) A pair of sunglasses, just in case

Additional firearms and/or other equipment must be purchased separately (contact Kendo's Gun Shop or Ann Summers Ltd. for further information).

Your WESKER unit should arrive fully assembled, standardized wrappings ((I) S.T.A.R.S. uniform (II) Black combat outfit) included. Wrappings are exchangeable (please consult Fashion Sense XP manual to ensure compatibility). If wrappings slow down or interfere with certain operating procedures feel free to discard of them immediately.

WARNING! Do not, under any circumstance, remove sunglasses! Doing so will result in grave disturbances of the unit's behaviour pattern which may cause injury and/or death to his owner.

CLEANING

Enhanced programming makes your WESKER perfectly capable of keeping himself in good condition. Stains of blood and/or unknown tissue as well as flesh wounds and burnings of various degrees will be removed automatically. See F.A.Q. for further information.

OPERATING PROCEDURE

The WESKER model can be utilized in an incredibly large number of ways, although only a small selection will be discussed here (See 'Guide to illegal procedures' and 'Manual NC-17' for further reference). Also keep in mind that while your WESKER's capabilities may be endless, his will to put them at anyone's service is more than weak.

Personal Fitness Trainer

Care to know if you're still in shape after a week of lazy indulgence? Let your WESKER unit collect and compare your combat data at any given time. But remember only to do so if you don't mind him selling this piece of information to the highest bidder, whoever that might be. Should your data prove to be unsatisfactory see 'Manual NC-17' for further information on how your WESKER may help to improve your fitness.

Researcher

Even though your WESKER is fully qualified to perform in the field of biogenetic research it is advised to let him carry out this task part-time only as he will soon 'begin to feel the limitations of his position'. Should your WESKER complain about the tedious work immediately engage him in additional physical activities to ensure that his needs to exercise regularly are fulfilled. You should then be able to keep up his interest in lab work a little bit longer.

Motivator

Profit from your captain's authority. The WESKER unit is designed to persuade a variety of people to do a variety of tasks. He therefore presents an ideal addition to units such as BARRY BURTON or WILLIAM BIRKIN (Don't forget to set your units to NON-SLASH should you decide to let them interact). Again, we strongly advise that you do not exercise this option unless 'The end justifies the means' applies to the task at hand. Because although your WESKER's means are highly efficient they might result in permanent mental or physical damage to other units in the end.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

Compatibility between a WESKER and any other unit is bordering the impossible unless your unit is set to SLASH mode in which compatibility is ensured although damage to the units is still very likely. If you still feel the urge to keep a second model besides your WESKER, you basically have two options:

JACK KRAUSER. KRAUSER units seem to show a certain kind of respect for WESKER units which makes them at least temporarily compatible. Caution is advised when watching them engage in playful violence and murder. This conjunction has yet to be tested on the long run but feel free to try it out anyway as long as you don't mind damage to one of the units or possibly yourself.

WILLIAM BIRKIN. Purchasing a BIRKIN has proven to be the only non-violent conjunction available for a WESKER unit. Don't forget to set your units to NON-SLASH mode unless you're willing to share or feel like watching.

While your WESKER Type I may seem to get along with other models too we will not guarantee for their permanent safety under any circumstances. Unlike Type I, Type II will act out his violent tendencies immediately and is therefore not suitable for social interaction with other units unless you are willing to overwrite your WESKER's settings with our special OUT OF CHARACTER KIT, which is sold separately.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: I heard the unit's keeping himself clean…
A: …but you feel that, as his owner, it's your duty to help nevertheless? Don't worry, you may very well speed up your WESKER's cleaning process as his tendency to let others do his dirty work will ensure maximum safety. Simply remove wrappings and shower whole unit or place unit in a hot tub and join. Afterwards dry your WESKER by rubbing him briskly with a large towel.

Q: A friend of mine has already purchased a WESKER but found him most unreliable. My friend has then installed Loyalty NT and says that his unit's performance has greatly improved. Why haven't I heard of this procedure before?
A: Because it's highly inadvisable, its positive effects nothing but a decoy. The unit's special WESKER'S LOYALTIES LIE WITH WESKER sequence will overwrite Loyalty, Loyalty NT and Loyalty XP immediately, making the installation useless from the start. Oh, and you'd better say goodbye to that friend of yours too.

Q: What's this thing about beekeepers being advised to buy a Type II rather than a Type I?
A: The thing is that your WESKER TYPE I might act rather hostile towards your precious insects. That's part of his programming though and can be stopped by approaching your WESKER and telling him about how you too noticed the suspicious behaviour of your BARRY unit. He will then see his task as fulfilled and hopefully leave your bees alone.

Q: I'm proud owner of a BIRKIN unit and have recently purchased a WESKER Type I to assist my BIRKIN with his labwork. I was prepared to provide the recommended extra activities but my WESKER unit doesn't seem to be in need of them. Also he hardly spends any time outside the laboratory. It's not a problem at all but I found it rather uncommon.
A: Please disable SLASH mode on your units immediately. If the situation doesn't improve, rent a DR. JAMES MARCUS unit for distraction or install cameras in your lab.

Q: I'm getting bored of my WESKER Type I. Can I exchange him for a Type II?
A: No. Upgrading, however, is a possibility. Simply order the CVX KIT consisting of a black combat outfit, EVIL CONTACT LENSES OF DOOM, a mysterious virus and a TYRANT unit. After applying the kit to your WESKER you may wish to rent a JILL VALENTINE unit unless you also want to keep the TYRANT unit.

TROUBLESHOOTING

Problem: My WESKER CVX has been exposed to my neighbour's CHRIS REDFIELD unit and now his perfect manly features of evilness are horribly scorched! What can I do?
Solution: Don't worry, your WESKER unit comes with amazing regenerative abilities. To speed up the process you may install RE4 PHYSICAL and your unit will be as good as new in no time.

Problem: I've had a rough day and I'm completely exhausted but my WESKER CVX keeps insisting that I come with him. I can't believe he hasn't had enough exercise yet!
Solution: Well, he probably has. Still this kind of behaviour is one of the little quirks that make this unit so interesting. Should you really feel no desire to interact with your WESKER unit at the moment run the additional YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF ITS POWER program to keep him at bay long enough for you to catch your breath.

Problem: My WESKER looks sturdier than I expected him to. I bought some additional clothing but they won't fit. Also there's this weird scar in his face that won't disappear. When I offered him his sunglasses he refused to put them on and insisted on wearing a beret instead.
Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a JACK KRAUSER unit. Buy bigger clothes and stop complaining!

Problem: Even months after activation my CAPTAIN WESKER won't show any signs of the subtle evilness I was so hoping to witness. He's also not particularly violent and has only betrayed me on rare occasions. Instead he often seems nervous and distracted, drops bawdy remarks and mutters something about 'having to be in control'.
Solution: Your WESKER suffers a technical default, commonly referred to as 'Perry syndrome'. Return the unit to manufacturer (see packing for address) and you will receive replacement immediately. Don't forget to include the receipt!

Problem: Albie is trying to kill me!1!
Solution: Murder is an inherited trait of any WESKER unit and will almost certainly surface sooner or later. Grave mishandling only encourages this behaviour further so be careful to follow the instructions given in his manual. Don't worry too much if your WESKER is of the 2nd type as his attempts to kill you may be very violent but are bound to fail due to a certain flaw in programming. Purchase a COUNT ON LUCK disc if you feel the need for further insurance. As for Type I – purchase BODY ARMOR for yourself and start praying. Alternately you may order a BARRY BURTON unit for protection but we don't recommend doing so as side-effects may vary.

Problem: I've just installed the KINKY OUT OF CHARACTER KIT on my WESKER unit and he immediately ran off with my neighbour's ALEXIA unit. When we realized that they were hiding in the cellar we sent a CHRIS REDFIELD unit down to retrieve them but none of the three has come back yet. I'm getting impatient! What should I do?
Solution: Join them.

FINAL NOTE

Your WESKER unit is guaranteed longevity way beyond the capacities of most other villain units. Make sure to handle him properly and don't let your guard down and you will be guaranteed many satisfactory years with your unit.