Despite being an unholy crank for the last couple of days, I nonetheless managed to churn out an attempt at humour. I tried a different style of writing for this - okay, a blending of several styles, really - so let me know if it flows okay.

Title: Shopping
Fandom: Weiss Kreuz
Pairing: Schu/Ken (and vice versa)
Rating: Mmm...PG13? Suggestive but clean.
Notes: Okay, so it's not a sequel to 'Scrapes', but it's dedicated to lunabo and chiadfrostfur for being my biggest enthusiasts. glomptackles the two of you This is actually a snippet I decided to leave out of a longer piece I'm working on.

Summary: Pretty much what the title says. Beware of falling inuendo.

It was a well-proven fact that Nadi hated shopping. He especially hated it when he was forced to do it in the company of others.

"We don't need that. You don't even like brown bread."

"I do so! I ate three pieces of the last loaf before you threw it out."

"It was growing mold. You ate those pieces on the day we bought it and promptly left the rest to mutate in the breadbox."

"White bread is so boring. Fine. If I can't buy my bread, I want your buns." wink

"Down boy. What's next?"

"It's like watching an old married couple," Omi whispered, his eyes wide. Well, shopping with Omi was okay.

" Tub butter! It's softer and easier to spread."

"But mines firmer and easier to unwrap." leer "And I can rub a stick of butter more smoothly over you and follow it with my--"

"Fine, whatever, just stop saying things like that out loud!" pause "Or at least say it quietly." grin

"A perverted married couple," Nagi agreed, his own eyes as wide as his companion's. At least he wasn't suffering alone.

"I'd say we need to buy cheese but with you around, we always have an excess."

"Why, that was almost clever love! I'm so proud of you!"

"Shut up. Get the two percent milk."

"One percent is better."

"So what? I'm the one that drinks the damn stuff! Get the two percent."

a whine "I do so drink it! I had cereal the other day! And I drink chocolate milk too!"

"Which is why you can buy the one percent chocolate milk for yourself. I'm getting the two percent."

"I hate premixed stuff! I like the overseas stuff you bought me – the one with the rabbit on the box. One percent!"

"Two percent! Put that down!"

"One percent!"

"Two!"

"One!"

"I take it back," Omi announced. "They're children, disguised as a married couple."

"For fucks sakes, you can afford to buy both!" Nagi shouted at the pair. Raised eyebrows and scowls that plainly said, 'do NOT spoil our fun' were shot in their direction and the dark-haired boy sighed, raising his hands in defeat and stepping back. "Never mind."

Peace was restored.

"Ew, gross. You are NOT buying sardines."

Temporarily.

"There is nothing wrong with sardines."

"You don't even like them. You just like to see me squirm."

a sultry look "I'd never deny that, kitty-kat."

"You dope." a hint of a grin and a nuzzle "No sardines."

"Fine." a pause "Ooooh – hot dogs." eyebrows wiggle

"I know how much you love your...meat."

"Better buy extras. Can never have enough... meat." heated looks

"I am thinking of a calm and happy place, just like my therapist told me to," Omi said resolutely. "I mean it."

"Can I join you?" Nagi asked plaintively. A nice beach...warm sand...warm sun...

"Mustard and ketchup too..."

...barbequed meat...

Damn.

"Mmm...meat seasonings!" squeezes a bottle "Finger lickin' good!"

"That's not all I wanna lick..."

"How on earth can you pervert a condiment so easily?" Omi and Nagi exchanged shocked glances after blurting out the exact same thing. Twin smirks were thrown their way.

"Talent, Nagi m'boy! Pure talent!"

Omi glared at their shopping partners. "You realize that if I go home traumatized, Aya and Youji will know that it was you two that did it. Then they'll hurt you. And I will cheer. Loudly."

"I will take pictures," Nagi added solemnly. "And possibly video."

"Speaking of videos..." seductive toss of long hair

"Yeah, a trip to the video store would top this off nicely." grin

"That won't be the only thing topping." another leer and a pounce

scandalized gasps erupt from surrounding shoppers

"SCHU!"

"KEN!"

Twin screams of frustration and embarassment vent in the center of the supermarket. Schuldich looked up from where he was doing his best to brand his lover's neck. White teeth flashed in an amused grin..

"I'm impressed, chibis."

"Yeah," Ken added, still running his fingers through the long hair of his partner. "I mean, the amount of sheer outrage you both managed to compress into a single name. That takes talent too."

Nagi sighed. "Are you finished yet?" He held up a warning finger when Schuldich smirked, anticipating perversion. "Shopping, you moron. Finished shopping."

Ken laughed and took the cart back from the telekinetic. "Yes, we're finished."

The youngest members of the Schwartz/Weiss alliance breathed sighs of relief as, miraculously, the two older members (in age, if not mind) paid for their purchases without any further acts of impropriety.

"Do you find it at all strange that we were sent to babysit these two because they cannot be trusted in public?" Nagi murmured as they headed towards the car. "Which of us are supposed to be the adults, exactly?"

Omi just shook his head and began loading up. "When you figure it out, fill me in. Aya's pulling pervert-sitting duty next time."

"No Schu, I didn't forget the extra whipped cream."

Nagi looked up. "Extra?" Even as he asked, Omi was shaking his head wildly not to say anything. Schu gave a them – and Ken - a lavicious look. Which really was an impressive feat, hitting all three of them at once.

"Well, only one needs to go in the fridge, ya know." His eyebrows waggled eagerly.

Omi slammed the trunk down. "Aya. And Youji. Not me. Never again."

"Oi chibi, relax. We're just kidding with you," Schu said, ruffling the boy's hair. Then his eyes lit up. "But with them, Ken, we'd have enough for an or--"

"Therapy! Prescribed sedatives! TRAUMA!"

"Yes, yes," soothed Schuldich.

Nagi sighed wearily and settled in the car. He was resigned to his fate.

Crawford had already forseen next weeks shopping trip. Kritiker would have a psychiatrist standing by. He decided it might be best to wait until Omi recovered from this trip before springing it on him.

He hated shopping.

Anyone want this little AU to continue? Strike now while the muse is hot!