TITLE: Goa'uldbusters!
AUTHOR: Tiffany Park
EMAIL: twilite@sprynet.com
STATUS: Complete
CATEGORY: Humor, Crossover with Ghostbusters
SEASON: Whenever.
CONTENT WARNINGS: Extreme goofiness.
SUMMARY: SG-1 versus Gozer the Destructor! Response to the "Bad Dream, Jack?" challenge on the StargateFan website.
ARCHIVE: StargateFan, Heliopolis, Fanfiction.net, my own site. Any others, please ask.
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. Ghostbusters and its characters were created by Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis, and are the property of Columbia/TriStar Pictures and probably a bunch of other companies that I don't know about. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Just an acknowledgment of source: For reasons that I hope are pretty obvious, most of Gozer's dialog was lifted straight from the Ghostbusters movie. In addition, Jack, Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c each also got a line or two that either came from the movie, or was directly derived from it.



Tiffany Park

Jagged streaks of lightning split the storm-swept sky. Dense, purplish clouds roiled above the twenty story, Art Deco apartment building, shrouding New York City in perpetual, terrifying darkness. Near-gale force winds howled around the exterior of the building, through every nook and cranny of the intricately carved masonry that decorated its facades, but on the rooftop itself the atmosphere was preternaturally still. The air reeked of ozone.

A lofty marble temple stood at the exact center of the apartment building's large, flat roof. Two gray monsters, of vaguely dog-like appearance, stood guard before its set of tall, imposing double-doors. Each creature sported glowing red eyes and row upon row of sharp, white teeth. Identifying crests were emblazoned on their foreheads: one monster bore two stars upon its brow, the other a medical caduceus. The two creatures watched the temple with an air of expectancy.

It was into this forbidding atmosphere that the four members of SG-1 arrived, having just fought their way up a secret, ramshackle staircase. Each team member carried an unwieldy, quietly humming zat-pack upon his or her back, and held a complex firing wand, covered with electronic circuitry and other technological doodads, that was connected to the zat-pack by a yard-long bundle of wires, rubber tubing, and flexible metal conduit.

"It was a dark and stormy night," Jack said, removing his sunglasses and tucking them into a pocket in his BDUs.

"Except that it's not night," Sam pointed out, as usual taking his statement far too literally. "It's only three-thirty in the afternoon."

Jack sighed.

"There are those dogs again," said Daniel. "They look like they're guarding that temple."

"You don't say?" Jack shot at him. "You know, I never would have guessed that on my own."

More ear-splitting thunder boomed. Bolts of lightening struck the temple, and eldritch fire outlined the ostentatious ornamentation on its walls.

"Something is happening to the temple," Teal'c stated the obvious as he watched the display.

Jack opened his mouth, but before the withering, sarcastic comment could escape, the temple's immense double-doors slowly parted. A line of light shone through, gradually widening and becoming bright enough to illuminate the rooftop.

Within the temple lay a vast realm of transcendent beauty. Iridescent mist swirled about a gleaming white staircase that led up to a golden pyramid with a crystalline entryway. The enormous structure, lit from behind by ethereal brilliance, hung suspended in thin air. The dog-monsters bounded into that otherworldly domain, taking up ceremonial positions upon pedestals set midway up and on opposite sides of the staircase.

The pyramid's crystal doors gracefully swung open, to reveal an activated Stargate at its heart. A slender, humanoid figure emerged from the Stargate's blue event horizon and exited the pyramid. As the being regally descended the stairs that led to Earth, its god-like features became clearer. It was possessed of glowing eyes, a stately bearing, and enough arrogance and condescension to choke even a United States senator. The four mortals gazed upon the newly arrived god with a mixture of awe, wonder, and, oddly enough, recognition.

"I believe that must be Gozer," observed Teal'c, his voice hushed.

"Looks like Apophis in a cat-suit and high heels to me," Jack snickered.

"There's no doubt it's Gozer, sir. It can take any form it wants," Carter told him, rather pedantically.

Gozer seemed inclined to dawdle, pausing just within the Realm of the Gods to scruff the ears of one of his guardian dog-monsters. He didn't appear to take any notice of the four humans watching him.

Tired of being ignored, Jack nudged Daniel. "Better go try to talk to him, Daniel."

"Why me?" Daniel objected, eyeing Gozer warily.

"Just do it."

Sighing deeply and looking somewhat put-upon, Daniel cautiously approached the living deity, taking care not to cross the boundary between the physical world and the crystalline realm of Gozer. "Um, hi," he said, not quite certain how to address the bizarre apparition. "Welcome to Earth. I'm Daniel Jackson--"

Gozer's gaze snapped toward the discomfited archeologist, and his eyes glowed with a strange mixture of curiosity and contempt. The dog-monster sniffed the air and growled, as its master asked in the distorted tones of the Goa'uld, "Are you a god?"

"Well, no. But I'm married to one," Daniel replied.

Gozer blinked at the unexpected response. He frowned thoughtfully at Daniel for a brief moment, apparently weighing the not inconsiderable options available to him and the possible consequences of offending another deity, then shrugged and said, "Well, die anyway, Tau'ri scum!" He flung out his left hand, where a ribbon device glowed brightly. The immense force of the energy burst released from the Goa'uld weapon slammed into the four members of SG-1, hurtling them backwards. They tumbled into the decorative railing at the edge of the rooftop--a feature that prevented them from plunging twenty stories to their deaths.

"All right, now I'm ticked," Jack said, wincing as he staggered back to his feet and rubbed the side of his head. "Everyone okay?"

Daniel stared, mesmerized, at the twenty story drop over the edge of the building, moaning, "I think I'm gonna be sick."

"Well, puke over the rail. We don't need the mess up here."

Evidently the thought of deliberately leaning over that railing did nothing to ease Daniel's nausea, to judge by the horrified expression on his face. He averted his eyes, instead focusing on Gozer and his two pet dog-monsters, and gradually seemed to recover.

"Any other problems?" Jack asked the rest of his team, satisfied that Daniel's fear of heights wasn't going to completely incapacitate him.

"I'm fine, sir," Sam told him.

Teal'c nodded in confirmation. "I am unharmed, O'Neill."

"Daniel?" Jack asked, hoping he'd recovered sufficiently to at least aim his gun. They'd need the team at full strength to beat Gozer.

"I'm better. But I'll be a lot happier when Gozer's gone," Daniel said, no longer looking green. Instead, he was watching Gozer with a certain predatory anticipation that Jack definitely approved of.

"Terrific. Let's get a little payback for that stunt with the ribbon device and kick ol' Gozer's butt back through the Stargate."

"All right! Lock and load," said Sam, as she activated her zat-pack and readied its firing wand.

"Lock and load?" Jack echoed, staring at her incredulously. "You been hanging out with SG-3 behind our backs?"

"Hey, I always wanted to say that," Sam replied, a defensive tone creeping into her voice.

"You watch too much TV."

"Let's rock!" Daniel added, striking an aggressive pose and aiming his firing wand straight between Gozer's unnaturally luminous eyes.

"Not you, too," Jack muttered.

Teal'c looked at each of his teammates, one by one, then intoned his own pop-media inspired battle slogan, "Party on, dudes."

Everyone stared at him, nonplused.

Observing their perplexed reaction, Teal'c raised a brow and inquired, "Was that not an appropriate aphorism?"

"Just fine, Teal'c," Jack replied. "It was just... fine." Shaking his head in despair, he aimed his own zat-wand. "All right, team, let him have it!"

Four high-intensity energy beams lanced out at the malignant deity. Gozer dodged the zat-blasts, leaping a good thirty feet into the air, executing an Olympic-quality backflip and twist, then making a perfect landing on an ornate marble pedestal at the far edge of the roof. The members of SG-1, having watched this startling maneuver, now turned to face Gozer quietly. They were somewhat bemused by the incredible feat of gymnastic virtuosity.

"Well, that was special," Jack said as rubbed the back of his neck, trying to soothe the crick he had acquired when he craned his head around to watch Gozer's graceful athleticism.

Teal'c said, "I was unaware that Gozer possessed such amazing acrobatic ability."

"Yeah, it was pretty impressive," Daniel concurred, staring at the hostile god.

"I thought it was remarkably impressive, especially considering that he did it in those four inch spikes," Sam enthused with heartfelt admiration. "He didn't even wobble. You have no idea how hard it is just to walk in those things. And he doesn't even look like his feet hurt! I wonder what his secret is?"

"I don't care how impressive you people think he is," Jack snapped, wondering what was wrong with his team. "I just want him gone! As in, off the Earth entirely. Preferably disintegrated into a lot of itty bitty, free floating little... uh..."

"Ions, sir," Sam supplied helpfully.

"Right. Ions. I knew that." Jack grimaced, rubbed his sore neck again, and added, "Let's get him this time."

The four would-be godslayers once again pointed their zat-wands at Gozer. Jack yelled, "Fire!" and four sizzling energy blasts seared the air. Gozer vanished in a flash of violet light.

"That seemed easy," Daniel said hesitantly.

"Yeah," Jack agreed unhappily, as he and his teammates cautiously approached the pedestal Gozer had been standing on and examined it. Surprisingly, the aged marble didn't have a single scorch mark on it. He ran a finger across the pedestal's smooth, unblemished surface, and commented, "Whoa."

"We neutronized him!" Sam exclaimed, amazed. "You know what that means? A complete particle reversal!"

"Did that make any sense at all?" Jack asked, rolling his eyes at the technobabble. "To anyone?"

"Who cares? As long as we got him," said Daniel.

Sudden thunder rumbled ominously, and lightening played along the Earthbound edges of Gozer's temple. The heavy clouds above flashed with internal, supernatural fire.

Teal'c slowly turned around, surveying the contents of the rooftop with wary eyes. "I do not believe we were entirely successful," he said.

"Never miss an opportunity to state the obvious, do you, Teal'c?" Jack needled him.

Before Teal'c could frame a reply, Gozer's unwelcome voice thundered through the heavens, "Foul creatures! Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, the Traveler has come! Choose and perish!"

Daniel stared up at the storm-wracked sky. "Choose? Choose what? We don't understand."

"Choose! Choose the form of the Destructor."

"Oh, wait," said Sam. "I understand. Whatever we think of, that's the form Gozer will use to destroy us. If we choose Godzilla, we'll have to fight Godzilla."

"What if we choose Bambi?" Jack asked, half seriously.

"I really don't think that's a good idea, sir. Gozer would probably just warp Bambi into something slimy and completely hideous."

The voice bellowed impatiently from the dark clouds, "Choose!"

"It is quite likely that Captain Carter's supposition is correct. What can we choose to minimize the dangers?" Teal'c asked.

Daniel's eyes widened with the sudden realization of a possible loophole. "Absolutely nothing! Don't think of anything! Clear your minds! If we don't think of anything, Gozer won't be able to pick a form."

"The choice is made," intoned the disembodied voice of Gozer.

"Waitaminute--" Daniel tried to interrupt.

"The Traveler has come!"

"Hey, now, nobody chose anything!" Daniel yelled angrily at the sky. "I didn't choose anything!"

"Neither did I!" Sam agreed.

Teal'c added, "Indeed, my mind was completely devoid of all thought."

Jack gnawed his lip, uncomfortably aware that he was the only member of the team to remain silent. As one, Daniel, Sam, and Teal'c all turned and eyed him with profound suspicion. Jack shoved his hands into his pant pockets and tried to project innocence. When no one bought the act, he gave his teammates a nonchalant look and shrugged self-deprecatingly.

Daniel groaned, "Jack, you didn't..."

"I couldn't help it!" Jack burst out, unable to contain himself. "Besides, it's all Carter's fault."

"My fault?" Sam protested. "How is this my fault?"

"When you mentioned that Gozer might go all slimy and hideous, it just popped into my head! It was only natural! It could have happened to anyone!"

"Yeah, but it happened to YOU!" Daniel accused him, jabbing an indignant finger at his chest. "This stuff always happens to you! Jeeze, Jack, don't you ever THINK?!?"

Footsteps of almost seismic proportions sounded in the distance.

"I mean, just once, I'd like to see you use your brain for something more than keeping your skull from imploding!" Daniel continued to rant.

"Yeah? Well, I did think! You were the one who wasn't thinking! That was the whole point, Mr. Don't-Think-Of-Anything-Clear-Your-Minds!" Jack was a firm subscriber to the tenet "the best defense is a strong offense," and he was bound and determined to be as offensive as possible.

Daniel opened and closed his mouth several times, looking for all the world like a gasping fish. He goggled at Jack and said irritably, "You know what I mean. Don't confuse the issue with--"

"With what? Facts?" Jack sneered in a childish 'so, there' tone.

The booming footsteps were nearer. They were so loud that the shockwaves rattled the building.

"If you two are finished," Sam interjected sarcastically, "we have a little problem on our hands. Remember?"

"It appears that we must do battle with the Traveler," Teal'c added in resignation.

"Remind me to thank you for that, Jack." It was obvious that Daniel was still feeling decidedly snarky.

The earth shook at the thunderous approach of the Destructor. Pieces of masonry cracked, broke away from the building and tumbled to the ground. The screams of the onlookers, so far below, could be clearly heard.

"Oh, jeeze, it's coming fast..." Jack checked his weapon. "Get ready, kids."

The four members of SG-1 all activated their zat-packs and readied their firing wands, waited tensely for the appearance of the ultimate evil.

The Destructor approached. A massive, dark form was visible, slowly moving between the skyscrapers. The rubberneckers in the streets shrieked and scattered in its wake.

"Here it comes," Jack said unnecessarily. He leapt to the edge of the building and aimed his zat-wand.

Another ponderous footstep. And another. The Destructor rounded the last corner and came into view.

Jack found himself staring into the enormous, malevolent face of a two hundred foot tall Colonel Maybourne...

"NOOOO!!!" Jack yelled, jerking awake and nearly falling out of his chair in the process. He glanced around the briefing table sheepishly, while General Hammond, Dr. Frasier, SG-1, SG-5, and the SF guards all gaped at him with varying degrees of amusement and astonishment.

"Bad dream, Jack?" Hammond asked sarcastically, with absolutely no trace of humor in his voice whatsoever.

Oh, man, he was in for it now. Jack groaned aloud and swore to himself that he would never, ever nod off during a staff meeting again.

*** end ***

May 19, 2000