Disclaimer: This was written by aliens.
The Final Battle
"Excuse me . . . my dark lordness," several familiar seventh year boys stopped Neville in the hall. "May we please join you and become your followers without becoming women?"
"Huh?" Neville blinked.
"May we become your followers my Lord?" One of the boys repeated, "and not get transformed into women."
"Um . . . sure, I guess." Neville shrugged, "I've got to be going."
The boys cheered and Neville beat a hasty retreat, what was with people lately?
"Hello boys." Bella had arrived and a chill of fear went up the spine of every boy that wanted to stay male.
"Hello Ms. Black," one of the boys said nervously. "We talked to the Dark Lord Orion and he's agreed that it would be best if we were to stay mmmale."
"Really?" Bella raised an eyebrow, "why?"
"It's tradition," one of the boys offered. "To have a dark army and a group of dark consorts?"
"It's also tradition to have a dark army of dark consorts," Bella retorted. The boys all eyed the wand in her hand nervously.
"We're not worthy," one of the boys screamed. "We'll go on a journey around the world and return when we're finally worthy of becoming a . . . dark consort."
"With a few short returns to visit our families," another boy added. "We'll come back to Hogwarts or whatever dark fortress the dark lord Orion chooses to conquer when we're worthy."
"Well . . . are you sure you're not worthy?" Bella asked slowly.
"YES, very unworthy."
"Ok," Bella agreed. "But you had better work hard."
"We will," the boys nodded. Living in Angola wasn't so bad was it?
IIIIIIIIII
Neville took a moment to think about his life and he came to a realisation . . . Dumbledore was trying to turn him into a dark lord so that there would be a final battle between good and evil with Harry on one side and . . . the Dark Lord Orion on the other. With that realisation came the solution to his problems and that solution required his friend Harry. Plan fixed, Neville went off in search of the 'Boy-Who-Lived-For-Revenge.'
He found Harry tormenting a ministry official with what could be classified as the most dark and terrible curse that ever was.
"Do you know what I'm going to do to you?" Harry asked with a sadistic smile.
"No . . . no not that!" The Bureaucrat screamed.
"Yes," Harry agreed. "That."
"Hey Harry," Neville called out as he walked up. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
"Nothing important." Harry put his wand away and the Ministry official fled in well justified terror. "What can I do for you?"
"Dumbledore is trying to turn me into a dark lord so that the two of us can fight a battle," Neville explained. "I was thinking that we . . . "
IIIIIIIIII
It was the final battle between good and evil and when I say final I mean one of the final battles because wars to end all wars tend not to end all wars. When you think about it, it could be argued that wars to end all wars just end up causing more wars. Take World War I for example, at the time it was called the great war or the war to end all wars but the treaty that ended the war did nothing to address the root causes behind the war and created the conditions that would later cause World War II. So I guess what I'm saying is that the battle between Neville and Harry was unimportant in the grand sceme of things and that the victor would only matter in the short term . . . but that's another show.
The ground was littered with bodies from both sides and in the end, Harry and a small number of his Harem faced Neville and an equal number of his dark consorts.
"Listen up," Madame Hooch spoke up. "I want a good clean match, this is just a friendly game of Quidditch so there is not cause for dirty play."
"This isn't what I had in mind," Dumbledore said sullenly. "All those bodies I spent months transfiguring going to waste."
"Oh be quiet Albus," Minerva snapped. "Harry and Neville were good enough to let you scatter them on the Quidditch pitch now weren't they? Though I do feel sorry for the house elves that are going to have to clean this all up."
"That's not the . . . damn," Dumbledore screamed. "Neville caught the Snitch . . . how in the hell did Neville manage to catch the Snitch?"
"Looks like he swallowed it," McGonagall commented. "Ah well, Harry'll have better luck their next game."
"Next game?" Dumbledore asked nervously.
"Yes," Minerva agreed. "Everyone had so much fun planning this out that they've decided to make it a semiannual event, a Quidditch match between Harry's Harem and Neville's Dark Consorts."
"I can't believe that . . ." Dumbledore's rant was cut off by Luna's arrival.
"Hello Headmaster," Luna said happily. "Harry just realised that he forgot to get any revenge on you for the last chapter or two so I volunteered to do it . . .Explosivo Diario"
"Excuse me." Dumbledore made a mad dash towards the castle in hopes of reaching a bathroom before conditions demanded that he send his favorite robe to the best cleaners in the land.
"Where did you learn that charm Ms. Lovegood?" McGonagall asked sternly.
"Big book of Bowel Disrupting Charms, every spell needed to win duels and humiliate your opponents." Luna replied with a dreamy grin.
"Ah." The old woman nodded, "do you think I could borrow it?"
IIIIIIIIII
"Harry . . . Harry, you got to help me." Ron burst into a room to find Harry with a strange woman.
"Later hon," the woman gave Harry one last kiss on the cheek and disappeared.
"Who was that mate?" Ron asked with an odd grin on his face, "and where'd she go?"
"That was Hogwarts," Harry replied. "Apparently the castle can take the form of a beautiful woman and she wants to be in my harem."
"That's great mate but I have problems, you gotta help me." Ron begged, "don't let her do it to me."
"What's going on?" Harry was quick to calm his friend, "what's happening?"
"My mum says that she's going to make me marry Draco tomorrow," Ron said. Tears were leaking out of the boy's eyes. "You gotta get me out of this."
"Ok, the first thing you need to do is calm down." Harry commanded, "I think I know a way to get you out of this . . . or at least to delay things."
"What is it mate?"
"Tell me Ron, have you ever heard of the French Foreign Legion?" Harry pulled a portkey out of his pocket.
"What's that Mate?" Ron demanded.
"It's a muggle military unit that won't ask questions and will hide you from your mother and your wedding."
"Thanks mate," Ron said quickly. "What do I do?"
"Take this portkey and tell them I sent you . . . good luck."
Epilogue
Ron - escaped from his wedding and spent several years in the Legion, the brutal training and discipline was still better then being married to Draco. Eventually his mother tracked him down . . . he promptly escaped into the Los Angelus underground. Today he makes his living as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him . . . maybe you can hire . . . Ron. Sorry, but he was too busy running from his mother to think up a cool nickname.
Harry and his Harem – won the next few Quidditch matches and together they had several children.
Neville and his Dark Consorts – continue their reign of terror as the most benevolent dark regime in history. They also had several children.
Snape – lived a happy life for a few years until the Potter and Longbottom children started trickling into Hogwarts, the smattering of Weasley children didn't help matters either. One year, nearly the entire Hogwarts class was made up of Potters and Longbottoms and all the teachers were overjoyed to see them . . . except for Snape. And they all lived happily ever after . . . except for Snape who kept trying to kill himself but he never succeeded.
The End
Or if you'd prefer something else . . .
"What the hell?" Harry looked around, he seemed to be in some sort of crib . . . why in the hell was he in a crib?
"It looks like my manly little boy is awake," Lily beamed down at her child. "And saying his first manly words too."
"Um . . . goo?" Harry tried to smile innocently.
"Such a deviously manly smile too," Lily's smile grew. "How's my manly little boy doing?"
"Good" Harry smiled.
"Good." Lily nodded.
"Hey Lily could you . . . oh," Peter gave a fake smile. "Harry's awake."
"Explosivo Castrado," Harry grinned in anticipation as a sickly green light shot out of his finger and hit the man who betray . . . would betray . . . would have betrayed? . . . ah screw it. Wormtail screamed and rolled around in agony.
"JAMES," Lily gave an excited scream. "COME QUICK, HARRY'S CAST HIS FIRST SPELL."
"What is it?" James ran it and looked down at his friend, face paling. "Oh god . . . "
"He must have seen me use it and copied me," Lily was bouncing in joy. "Isn't it just wonderful?"
"I think I'm gonna be sick," James tried to remember the blood clotting charms he'd learned in school. "Why did he do that to Peter?"
"He's so manly that he must have seen Peter as competition and decided to remove him," Lily nodded . . . it all made so much sense . . . to her anyway. "With Peter gone there will be more girls for Harry."
"He's not going to do that to me is he?" James began backing out of the room nervously.
"Of course not," Lily shook her head. "And I'm going to tell him that he's not allowed to hurt you right now. Harry . . . honey, if you hurt your father then I'm going to be very angry at you and you'll have to have time out for five minutes."
"FIVE MINUTES?" James's eyes bulged.
"I know it seems harsh," Lily nodded. "But I have to be firm with him."
It was as this point that James passed out.
IIIIIIIIII
"James . . . wake up mate," Sirius shook his friend. "Are you alright?"
"Oh god what happened?" James looked around, "I had the worst dream."
"If it's that Harry learned THAT SPELL and used it on Wormtail then that was no dream." Sirius sighed, "on the plus side . . . it turned out that Peter was a death eater, healers found the mark when he went in because of . . . you know what."
"Oh," color began to return to James's cheeks. "So he's a death eater . . . Lily, he was going to hurt Lily and Harry protected her."
"Maybe," Sirius shrugged. "That's what Lily thinks, she's been going on about how her manly little boy protected his mummy . . . it's starting to scare me."
"Mate," James looked over to his best friend. "You're going to have to accept it some day . . . I did and my life is happier."
"That your wife is insane?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.
"Yes," James nodded. "But this ruins that unbreakable vow I made her swear to never use that spell on someone . . . it took months of planning to get her to promise that."
"And you were going to tell me this when?" Sirius's eyes flashed, "I've been living in fear for no reason."
"She told me not to say anything," James shrugged. "Threatened to make me sleep on the couch for a night if I told you."
"You let me live in fear for my life for months because you didn't want to sleep on the couch for one night?" Sirius was shocked that friendship seemed to mean so little.
"Yup," James nodded. "One, the couch is really uncomfortable. Two, well . . . I'm not going to tell you."
"You're not going to tell me?" Sirius's eyes narrowed.
"Sorry," James shrugged. "But there are some things that I'm not going to share about the joys I've found in married life."
"Oh," Sirius blinked. "Oh . . . so you . . . oh."
"Right," James nodded. "Now let's go get drunk."
"Sounds like a plan," Sirius nodded. "Or we could get blotto here and we won't run the risk of meeting a bunch of drag queens like last time."
"Poor Peter had to find out the hard way," James shook his head. "Ok, let's do it your way."
Three bottles of gin later . . . yes gin, they're Brits and Gin is a British alcohol, I added it for a bit of local flavor like those authors that . . . ah ta hell with it.
"I shink yer gonna havta fashe faks," Sirius slurred. "Yer shon's a derk lerd . . . no bloke 'll yush dat spill less he'sh a derk lerd . . . a reelly pwerfl derk lerd . . . voldsomething doeshent yuesh dat spell."
"I know," James nodded. "But he's still my son and I'm sure that if I raise him right he won't try to kill muggle born magic folk like every other dark lord in history . . . I don't think Lily would like it if he did that."
"A derk lerd thatsh hun hun killsh derk lerds?" Sirius perked up, "thash greet."
"Yeah," James nodded. "So can I have some gin now? I want to get blotto too."
"No," Sirius hugged the body. "Ish all mine I need it."
"Why?" James cast a quick sobriety charm on his friend, "What else happened while I was out?"
"Babies," Sirius shuddered. "Lots of babies."
"What?" James blinked.
"While you were out dozens of babies popped in with their parents . . . all of them girls,"
"Lily's been recruiting again?" James nodded, "I guess that makes sense."
"They came on their own," Sirius shuddered. "Some of the families were muggles . . . the kids used accidental magic to get in."
"Oh," James blinked.
"Some of them can talk and they told Lily that they're in Harry's Harem," Sirius shuddered. "She's happy but . . ."
IIIIIIIIII
"Bwahahaha," Voldemort stalked towards the unsuspecting house. "You will all die."
"Explosivo Castrado." A high voice sounded from the bushes to one side of the dark lord.
"Arrrg," Voldemort fell to the ground and began screaming.
Harry looked down at the screaming dark lorda and realised that . . . he was happy. He had it all, the girls, his parents, Sirius was alive, and plenty more years of revenge to plan and carryout.
The End II
AN: It's possible that I will continue this with 'Let's do the Time Warp Again Again' if there's enough intrest. I've got quite a few things I need to write and it would be a shame to let myself get caught up and not busy but sometimes these things happen.