Disclaimer: It's probably illegal to build a Harem where you live, check local laws to be sure.

Harry's Harem

"Harry?" Sirius looked like hell.

"Hey Sirius," Harry waved to his godfather. "Wanna go see my house?"

"House?" Looked like all those years in Azkaban might have taken their toll.

"Yup," Harry nodded. "Come on."

"Ok," Sirius shook his head and followed Harry out of the great hall.

Meanwhile, down in the dungeons, Snape had wet himself. After wetting himself, he felt a terrible chill go up his spine . . . something bad was going to happen. The last time he had felt that chill it had been right before he went on that canoing trip in Georgia without his wand, on the plus side he had managed to grow back his arms and legs, on the minus . . . to this day he still heard banjo music whenever he got close to a dementer.

"And this is the entrance to my part of the castle," Harry motioned proudly. "Well . . . one of them anyway."

"How did you get your own part of the castle?" Sirius looked down at the boy in shock, "I thought you'd be in Gryffindor."

"I asked the hat to give it to me," Harry replied. "Come on."

Harry led his godfather into his unnamed house and the two of them spent several hours going over the story, note: if you really want to know what they talked about go back to chapter one and start reading again. Then when you get to this part, just skip over it and start reading again.

"Is that all?" Sirius had tears going down his cheeks.

"Well . . . no," Harry shook his head. "I forgot to tell you about the harem that I'm planning to build."

"Harem?" Sirius looked down at his godson in awe, "you're eleven years old and you're building a harem."

"Well I'm not really eleven," Harry smiled.

"Forget about all the time travel stuff," Sirius waved off the objection. "And answer the question."

"I'm planning ahead," Harry shrugged. "I may not be able to do much with a harem now, but I'll be glad I took the time to build it in a few years."

"I'm so proud of you," Sirius crushed Harry in a hug. "My godson is sooooo manly."

"What?" Harry wasn't expecting this reaction . . . well actually, he was expecting this sort of reaction from Sirius.

"You're mother would be so proud of you," Sirius smiled. "Her manly little boy."

"WHAT?" This he definitely did not expect to hear, well . . . no, no he didn't expect to hear this.

"Your mother could be a bit odd," Sirius shrugged. "She would have killed your father if he considered it but she would have been dancing and waving flags if she knew that you were doing it . . . she came from an odd family and I think she got this idea from her cousin."

"Cousin?" Harry perked up.

"Yes cousin," Sirius confirmed. "And now we shall never talk about that again."


"Never again," Sirius replied firmly.

"Ok," Harry shrugged. "Do you want to be my head of house?"

"Ok," Sirius nodded. "What do I do?"

"Make everyone's life a living hell," Harry nodded then added after a moment of thought. "And help me build my harem of course."

"Can I have a harem?" Sirius rubbed his hands together.

"What would my mother have said?"

"She said that only her manly little boy gets a harem," Sirius drooped. "I asked . . . every day . . . at least fifty times."

"I'm sorry," Harry patted Sirius on the shoulder sympathetically. "But I can't go against my dead mother's wishes."

"I know," Sirius nodded.

"But maybe we can use the whole bad boy ex-convict thing to pick up chicks for one night stands?" Harry tried to cheer the man up, "that way it wouldn't be a harem but you'd still be seeing lot's of women."

"Can't do that either," Sirius shook his head. "Lily thought of that too."

"Wow," Harry was amazed. "Did she do nothing but sit around and think of ways to make your life difficult?"

"Yeah pretty much," Sirius nodded. "I think it's because I slipped James a potion that turned him into a woman on his wedding night . . . or maybe it's because I took James to Vegas and got him engaged to those strippers . . . could have been the time I had James arrested for indecent exposure and had him sent to a Turkish prison for a week . . . or maybe it was because . . ."

"I get it, I get it." Harry nodded, "but why didn't you do all this to Snape?"

"Snape was in the hospital that month," Sirius shrugged.

"Oh," Harry nodded. "Why was Snape in the Hospital?"

"We tricked him into thinking that he won an all expenses canoeing trip to Georgia," Sirius began to giggle. "Then we stole his wand."

"How did that put him in the Hospital for a week?" Harry frowned.

"I'm not sure how," Sirius began. "But somehow he managed to lose his arms and legs and for some reason his greatest fear changed from werewolves to banjo music."

"You learn something new everyday," Harry nodded. "Well, I think you should know the rules of my house."

"RULES?" Sirius almost fainted, this didn't sound like something his godson would say.

"Yup," Harry nodded. "The first rule is that no one can know the name of our house, that is so we can keep telling Snape it's other things to trick him into taking points off his own house."

"Strict but fair," Sirius nodded. "Continue."

"The second rule is that we don't tell anyone the rules," Harry added. "That way we can make up new rules on the fly to make other people's lives more . . . interesting."

"I . . . I think I can live with that," Sirius nodded as he braced himself for the worst. "What else?"

"The final rule is that Harry's Harem belongs to Harry," Harry nodded. "So no one else gets it."

"What about the other girls in your harem," Sirius frowned.

"They're in the harem," Harry shrugged. "So that rule doesn't apply to them."

"I suppose I understand," Sirius nodded. "So . . . how are you going to make me your head of house?"

"I'll ask," Harry replied. "And when Dumbledore turns me down, I'll chose someone far worse Bwahahahahahahahaha."

"Good evil laugh," Sirius applauded politely.

The next day, Harry led Sirius to the great hall and looked around with an evil smirk on his face.

"EVERYONE,' Harry shouted. "I Have An Announcement To Make."

"What is it Harry?" Dumbledore had a feeling that he knew what was coming, he also had a plan to deal with it . . . .bwahahahahahahaha (and even in his head, his evil laugh had nothing on Harry's).

"I've decided to make Sirius Black my head of house," Harry replied.

"I thought you said that only people that have been in your house could be the head of house?" Dumbledore smirked.

"There are a couple of exceptions to that rule," Harry held up a finger. "One of them is to spend several years in Azkaban prison."

"I see," Dumbledore nodded. "But I'm afraid that he can't be a Head of House because he's not a teacher."

"Oh," Harry nodded. "Well . . . there is another exception, but I don't think you'll like it."

"What is it Harry?" How bad could it be?

"You have to be a Dark Lord," Harry replied. "Preferably one that has been cast out of his body and forced to live a spirit by drinking the blood of the innocent."

"I'm afraid we don't have one of those on the staff either," Dumbledore smiled, "why don't you just let Minerva be your head of house?"

"But you do," Harry walked to the defence professor. "Lord Voldemort, would you be willing to be my head of house . . . I don't want to be a Death Eater and I'm certainly not going to take the dark mark but I think your constant inept attempts to kill me will make my life more interesting."




"Wha . . ." Let's just say that a lot of people said 'what' and skip to the next part.

"Accio Turban," Sirius added helpfully.

"Kill him," Voldemort ordered from his spot on the head.

"Yes master"

"Does this mean that you won't be my head of house?" Harry had a sort of confused look of disappointment on his face. "Guess that means that I don't have any use for you."

"Arrrrrg," Voldemort screamed as Harry burned his host body to death with his bare hands . . . again.

"Looks like you have an opening for a Defence Professor," Harry made a mental note to loot the dead professor's rooms later. "And since Sirius is free . . ."

"Fine," Dumbledore nodded. "He can be your head of house and the defence professor.

"Yay," Harry raised his fist in the air. "Let's go have a drunken house party."

"Harry," Sirius interjected a voice of reason. "You're in first year, you can't get drunk."

"Rule two forty seven dash five," Harry replied smugly.

"Oh . . . right," Sirius nodded. "Never mind, you can get drunk."

"Yay," Harry and Sirius rushed out of the room.

And Dumbledore had a feeling that he was going to regret not insisting that Voldemort become Harry's head of house.

"That was fun," Harry chuckled. "Wanna go do some looting?"

"Sounds like a plan," Sirius nodded. "Let's go."

The two of them walked up to the defence classroom and into the professor's office.

"Doesn't look like anyone's cleaned this place for quite some time," Harry glanced around in shock.

"Hey," Sirius pulled a parchment out from under a pile of books. "It's my homework from first year."

"How'd you do?"

"Failed," Sirius shook his head. "The professor said he never got it and didn't give me any points . . . let's get revenge on him."

"Didn't you already get revenge on him?" This didn't sound like his godfather.

"Yeah," Sirius nodded. "But now I have proof that he was wrong so I want to get even more revenge on him."

"Ok," Harry nodded. That sounded more like the godfather he knew.

"What do you think this is?" Sirius held up a strange thing.

"I don't know," Harry shrugged. "Just toss it all in a box or something so we can pull random things out without people asking where we got them."

"What?" Sirius had an odd look on his face.

"It's like this," Harry began. "We may or may not need some sort of strange item in the future right?"

"I suppose," Sirius nodded.

"And if we just show up with something, people are going to ask where we got it right?" Harry asked with a grin, "they'll want to know when we had time to go buy it or where we were able to find such a rare item."

"That sounds like things people would wonder," Sirius shrugged.

"Well," Harry waved his hand. "Now we have the perfect excuse, if people want to know where we found all that gold . . . we just tell them that we found it here."

"If people want to know where we found that odd spell to turn Snape into a woman," Sirius smiled. "We found it here, you're right Harry . . . that'll certainly keep people from pointing out plot holes."

"Now let's go do something else," Harry nodded. "Since we've already established that we've looted everything of value and put it . . . somewhere."

"Great," Sirius laughed. "Don't you have class?"

"I've been skipping them," Harry admitted. "All except for potions."


"Because I like to torment Snape," Harry shrugged. "It's nice to have the shoe on the other foot in at least one life."

"I suppose," Sirius nodded. "I meant why have you been skipping your other classes?"

"Oh," Harry nodded. "Well, stealing the Philosopher's stone and proving your innocence took up a lot of time. Besides, it's not even the end of the first week."

"Suppose you're right," Sirius nodded. "Now run along to potions, you don't want to be late do you?"

"Actually I do," Harry nodded. "It'll give Snape an excuse to try to take points off my house."

"And you have another way to trick him into taking points off his own house," Sirius nodded. "Well get to it."

Harry took his time getting to the potions class room and Snape looked ready to explode when he arrived.

"Do you know what I learned Mr. Potter?" Snape asked in a controlled voice.

"Well . . . I'd say it wasn't how to bathe," Harry rubbed his chin. "Give me a hint?"

"I learned that Slytherin is deep in the red when it comes to house points," Snape's voice heated up. "Do you know why?"

"Is it because your students are inbred bigots?" Harry asked with a grin, "or because the other houses have grown tired of your rampant favoritism?"

"NO," Snape shook his head. "It's because there is no Slythereen house, you tricked me into taking points from my own house."

"Would I do something like that?" Harry shook his head, "I'm hurt that you would imply such a thing."

"What Is The Name Of Your House?" Snape knocked over several delicate potions brewing on his desk.

"Snape's bunch of idiots," Harry replied. "I didn't think you'd ever figure that one out."


"Man," Harry shook his head as he walked out of the room. "Did they get it wrong when they said that his house was known for being cunning."

Harry wondered around the school causing havoc and in general making everyone's life difficult when he heard an interesting conversation.

"She's in the girl's bathroom crying," some random girl said to the other. "Poor Hermione."

Harry stopped listening at that point, marveling at how strange it was that with all the things he changed there was still one thing that stayed the same Harry shook his head in wonder.

Shrugging his shoulders, Harry began walking towards the girl's bathroom . . . he had a harem to start.

"Hermione?" Harry called out as he entered the bathroom.

"Go away," the girl sobbed.

"What happened?" Harry hovered over the girl nervously.

"I don't have any friends, everyone calls me a know it all." Tears were pouring down the girl's cheeks, "maybe I should just go home and be normal."

"Remember what we talked about on the Hogwarts Express?" Harry took the smaller girl in his arms.

"Yes," Hermione nodded.

"Remember what's on pages two fifty two and two fifty three, the fold out?"

"Uh huh," Hermione nodded. "Several witches and one wizard in a harem scene."

"Well," this was it. "I'm starting a harem, would you like to be the first girl in it?"

"Aren't we a bit young for that?" No matter how old she was, Hermione was still Hermione.

"I'm planning for the future," Harry replied.

"Would I get to move out of Gryffindor?" Hermione made an unladylike snort.

"Of course," Harry nodded. "As a member of my harem you would automatically be in my house."

"Ok," Hermione nodded. "How do I do that?"

"Well," Harry took a moment to think. "I suppose that we'd better get the house elves to move your things into my wing of the castle and I guess I should tell you the house rules."

"What are the rules?"

"The most important ones are that no one ever learns the name of our house or about the house rules," Harry replied. "That allows to torment Snape and to make up any rules we want to mess with the professors."

"Ok," Hermione hiccuped.

"You're building a harem?" Myrtle announced her presence.

"Yup, t's too bad you're a ghost," Harry looked up at Myrtle. "You'd make a great addition to my harem."

"Really?" Myrtle asked with a wide grin.

"Yup," Harry nodded.

"Well," Myrtle's smile widened. "There is an incredibly illegal ritual that will bring me back to life so that I can join your harem."

"Why should I perform an incredibly illegal ritual?" Harry frowned, "granted it'd be nice to add you to my harem but, well prison scares me . . . especially after what happened to uncle Vernon."

Myrtle smirked as she leaned over to whisper into Harry's ear.

"Really?" Harry's eyes widened.

Myrtle whispered a bit more.

"I didn't even know that was possible," Harry developed a blush.

Myrtle whispered a few more things and pulled away, "well?"

"Illegal ritual here I come," Harry's smile couldn't get any wider. "Just remember your promise."

"Ok," Myrtle nodded. "I'll be waiting."

Six hours later, three crimes against nature, fifteen separate laws broken each enough to put the guilty party into Azkaban for life and a duck . . . Myrtle was alive, sort of.

"I thought you said you'd be alive again?" Harry blinked.

"I am . . . sort of," Myrtle shrugged. "It'll just take some time before I get to the point that I was when I walked in here."

"I guess that makes sense," Harry nodded. "Let's go to my part of the castle, I'll introduce you to the other girl in my Harem . . . now I have two."

"Ok," Myrtle shrugged. He was a little weird but being in his harem was better then being a voyeuristic ghost.

The next day Harry walked into the Great Hall with a girl on each arm.

"Why aren't you at your house table Ms. Granger?" McGonagall approached the strange trio with a feeling of dread.

"She's a member of my Harem now Professor," Harry replied with a smirk. "So she's not in your house anymore."

"Not in my house?" McGonagall was close to tears, this would lower the collective GPA of her house by at least five points.

"That's right," Harry nodded. "Have a good day."

"Wait," McGonagall called after him. "Who's the other girl with you?"

"She's another member of my Harem," Harry explained after all he didn't really have anything against McGonagall. "If you want in, you'll have to take some elixir of youth."

"That's ok," Minerva wondered off in shock.

"Hmm," Harry hmmed and then called out. "Well, the offer's still open if you change your mind."

"Why did you just offer Professor McGonagall a place in your Harem?" Hermione asked with a frown.

"Well it's like this," Harry smiled. "I've seen pictures of her when she was younger and I have some elixir of youth."

"Oh," Hermione nodded. "I guess that makes sense."

The weeks past and the the torment of Snape continued.

"Ten points from your house," Snape glared.

"What house?" Harry blinked.

"The one that you're in," Snape growled.

"You're going to have to be more specific," Harry smirked.

"Ten thousand points from . . . those idiot Slytherins," Snape sighed he really hated this kid.

The next week

"Fifty points from anybody named Draco because he's a dumb little bastard." Snape purpled.

And the next week still.

"A thousand points from . . ."

"Yes?" Harry leaned forward.

"From the bottom of my heart," Snape looked ill. But on the plus side, he did beat the sexual harassment suit Harry filed after that class.

And before anybody realised it, school had ended for the year.

"Harry," Dumbledore called out nervously. "I'm going to have to insist that you go to your Aunt's house this summer."

"No," Harry shook his head.

"I'll stay hold the train and stay here with you until you change your mind if I have to," Dumbledore took a lemon drop. He had to remain firm, he had to show the boy who the boss was he had to . . .

"I laced your lemon drops with a potion to keep you more . . . shall we say, regular." Harry smirked, "I figure it should be kicking in about now . . . I was only trying to help, I figured a man of your age . . ." Harry watched as Dumbledore made a mad dash back to the castle.

"Well that takes care of that," he nodded to himself. "Back to business."