Disclaimer: Kitchens are dangerous.
The Adventures of Foamy, The Kung Fu Toad, and Laser Owl
Last week on the adventures of Foamy and Kung Fu Toad. Our intrepid duo was breaking into Azkaban Prison to teach a much needed lesson to their arch nemesis Wormtail.
"YOU," Peter smiled. "I've got you now, I'm big again and you arrag."
Kung Fu Toad launched himself at the man and round house kicked him in the nose and Foamy had severed Achilles tendon with her razer sharp teeth.
"How is this happening," Peter screamed as he fell to the ground. "You're just a rat and a toad, how can you do this."
Several hours later and a severe beating later, Foamy and Kung Fu Toad made their way off the island by stowing away on one of the supply boats. Wormtail's torment was over . . . for now.
Augusta Longbottom was sitting next to her catatonic son and daughter in law. She had come to their room in St. Mungos to let them know about how their son's life was progressing.
"Neville is doing well," Agusta smiled at her two children. "He's being cared for by Bellatrix Lestrange, turns out that she didn't attack you. She's still a bit . . . make that very crazy and had intended on adopting Neville with the hope that he would become the most terrible dark lord in history. I've talked her out of that and now she's decided to focus on building up his dark harem of consorts." Augusta smiled, "she's already gotten every girl in Slytherin and she's been trying to turn Draco Malfoy into a woman so that he . . . she . . . young Malfoy can be in the harem. Just think of it . . . hundreds and hundreds of grandbabies."
"Grandbabies?" Alice's eyes snapped open.
"Hundreds and hundreds of them," Augusta confirmed.
"Wake up Frank," Alice poked her husband in the side. "Our son's building a harem and I don't want to miss it."
"A harem you say?" Frank opened his eyes, "I'm so proud of my son."
"I am too," Alice nodded. "Think of all the grandbabies he can give us."
"And since I've missed out on all these years of my life," Frank began. "I'm going to have to build my own harem so that we have some common ground."
Sadly, only Alice Longbottom was well enough to check out of the hospital that day. Frank Longbottom was forced to stay another week while recovering from severe blunt force trauma.
"Did you hear about the wizarding world's new trio of heroes?" One random student asked another as the boarded the Hogwarts Express."
"Yeah," the other student nodded. "Foamy, Kung Fu Toad, and Laser Owl. They're the coolest.
"Did you hear the news about how Foamy, Kung Fu Toad, and Laser Owl defeated the dark lord Ming the Merciless in China?"
"Yeah," the other student nodded. "I heard that Kung Fu Toad took Ming on in Mortal Combat while Foamy destroyed his dark legions and Laser Owl stopped his death ray."
"I wanna be like them when I grow up," the other student sighed. "How cool would that be."
Harry watched the conversation with an odd look on his face . . . this hadn't happened in the old time line. Shooting Hedwig and Foamy a suspicious look, Harry walked over to the first member of his harem.
"Hi Hermione," Harry smiled.
"Hi Harry," Hermione smiled when she noticed Harry. "What are your plans for this year?"
"Did you happen to get a time turner?" Harry perked up.
"I'm not supposed to talk about that," Hermione blushed. "But yes I did."
"I suppose we could have some fun with that," Harry shrugged. "Other then that, I don't have any plans."
"Really?" Hermione gave him a suspicious look.
"I got all my work done ahead of time," Harry explained. "Maybe I could get Dumbledore drunk and shave him or something."
"Harry," Hermione was scandalized. "He's the Headmaster."
"You're right," Harry nodded. "I'll have to strip him and take photos and then submit those photos to the Teen Witch hot hunk contest."
"Exactly," Hermione nodded. "And you might want to put Snape in there with him."
"You know that you've got to throw the Yaoi fan girls a bone sometime," Hermione shrugged. "It might as well be with a necked hairless photo of Dumbledore and Snape."
"I guess that's true," Harry nodded. "Thanks for giving me this talk Hermione . . . I don't know what I'd do without you."
The train stopped and a sudden feeling of cold came over everyone on the train.
"What the hell," Harry muttered. "I know for a fact that there is no reason that dementers should be on this train."
"Maybe they got lonely," Luna suggested from her place under Harry's left arm.
"Hoot hoot Hoot hoot," Hedwig opened her cage. "Hoot hoot hoot."
(Translation – This Looks like a job for Laser Owl)
"Squeek," Foamy got out of her own cage.
(Translation – Foamy)
"Croak," Trever appeared.
(Translation – And the Kung Fu Toad. A toad whose day job is that of mild mannered Trevor, companion to Neville Longbottom. Together we are the unstoppable trio of Foamy, Laser Owl, and the Kung Fu Toad. We promise to fight for truth, justice, and to help Harry and Neville get even bigger harems.) Toad is a very complex and nuanced language.
"Hoot hoot hoot,' Hedwig added.
(Translation – and to make that geese ball Snape's life a living hell.) An odd fact that you might not know about the owl language is that the phrase 'make that geese ball Snape's life a living hell' is all one word. Conjecture is that Owls really don't like Snape. And now back to your regularly scheduled program.
A few minutes later . . . nothing happened and after that, an excited student stuck his head into the car.
"Foamy, Laser Owl, and The Kung Fu Toad are outside," the student called out. "And they're fighting a bunch of dementers."
Harry and his harem looked out the window and were shocked to see the masked forms of Foamy, Laser Owl, and The Kung Fu Toad battling a group of dementers.
"Has anyone seen Trever?" Neville made his appearance, "what are you all looking at?"
"We're watching a bunch of dementers get their asses kicked by Foamy, Laser Owl, and The Kung Fu Toad." Harry Replied.
"Oh," Neville watched for a while. "You know . . . The Kung Fu Toad kinda looks like Trever, except he has a mask and Trever doesn't wear a mask."
Harry and his harem looked at Neville incredulously.
"Oh well," Neville shrugged. "I gotta get back to my search for Trever."
The battle was incredibly one sided and in the end Foamy, Laser Owl, and The Kung Fu Toad were victorious.
"Well," Harry watched as the three animals took off their masks and silently made their way back into their cages. "That's something you don't see every day."
The girls all nodded and everyone got back to what they had been doing.
"Hey Potty," Malfoy arrived to make his yearly attempt to ruin everyone's good time. "What have you done to my mother?"
"I'll tell you when you're older," Harry smiled. "Shouldn't you be in Neville's harem right now?"
"Yeah," Hermione nodded. "Why are you still male?"
Draco just sort of turned white, no mean feat when you consider his normal complexion.
"I'll get you Potter," Draco promised as he left.
"No you won't," Harry called after him. "I'm not letting you in my harem."
The sorting went the way it normally did and several girls burst into tears after being informed that they could have asked the hat to assign them to Harry's harem. The great hall looked the way it normally did with one exception. At the Slytherin table, nearly every student had brought their mother to school with them.
"Attention everyone," Draco called out after the sorting had been completed. "I want everyone to know that I do NOT want to be a member of Neville's harem."
"There you are," Bellatrix had finally cornered her new niece. "Now this won't hurt me a bit."
"What did you do to me?" Draco looked down at his . . . her new body.
"Now you can be in my little dark lord's harem," Bellatrix nodded. "What do you think Cissy?"
"I always wanted a daughter," Narcissa nodded. "And now I have one, thank you sister dear."
"I don't want to be in anyone's harem," Draco protested.
"I understand dear," Narcissa nodded. "You have someone else you like."
"What?" Draco's eyes widened in shock.
"And I have a feeling that I know who it is," Narcissa looked across the room. "Molly dear, could you come over here."
"Certainly Cissy," Molly nodded.
"And bring young Ronald if you don't mind," Narcissa smiled.
"What are you doing?" Young Draco screamed.
"Seeing to my little girl's future," Narcissa replied.
"What can I do for you?" Molly dragged her youngest son over to the Slytherin table.
"I was hoping to arrange a marriage between my daughter Draco and your son Ronald," Narcissa replied. "I've seen the way my little Draco keeps bothering young Ronald to get his attention and I just want to see my little girl in a loving relationship."
"Wha," Ron fainted.
"Poor dear, he's so happy he passed out." Molly picked her youngest son up, "since Ron seems so happy about it then . . . then I guess I don't have a choice."
"Do you hear that Draco," Narcissa pulled her new daughter into a hug. "You're gonna be married."
Draco's eyes widened in horror and he too lost consciousness . . . and bladder control.
"Look how excited she is," Narcissa shook her head. "She hasn't lost bladder control since she was ten years old, she must really want this."
"Harry," the twins approached with tears in their eyes. "We came to tell you that we concede defeat."
"You're the greatest prankster in Hogwarts," Fred and George started sobbing. "We . . . we set Snape on fire and you know what he did?"
"What?" Harry was very confused.
"He told us that he wasn't going to let us take the fall for your work," Fred and George clutched each other. "He told us that . . . he told us that he . . . that he knew it was all your fault."
"Even though he watched us do it," George shook his head. "We didn't even try to hide what we were doing."
"Oh," Harry hadn't realised it had gotten this bad.
"So we present to you this map," Fred handed it over. "As our way of conceding defeat and passing the torch."
"Thanks guys," Harry took it. "I was wondering what happened to my father's map."
"Your father?" The twins perked up.
"Yep," Harry nodded. "Prongs is my father, Padfoot is my godfather, and Moony is a good friend of mine . . . don't ask about that filthy bastard Wormtail."
"That's great," the twins stopped crying and started dancing. "The Son of Prongs . . . there's no shame in being beaten by the Son of Prongs and the God Son of Padfoot."
"Do you want to meet Padfoot and Moony?" Harry suggested, "and to help us cause havoc?"
"Do we?" The twins shared a glance, "We'd love to."
"Let's go then"
Three Hours Later . . .
"Gentlemen," Sirius looked around. "I welcome you to Hogwart's most secret class . . . Basic Pranks."
"In basic we deal with pranks that affect large portions of the school," Sirius explained. "Such as causing everyone in Slytherin to shoot fire out their ears or something simple like that."
"In intermediate we go over such pranks as turning Snape into a goat and then portkeying him to the headmaster's brother." Sirius smiled at the happy memory, "or tricking him into taking a canoe trip in the backwoods of Georgia and taking his wand."
"And in Advanced?"
"YOU WANT ADVANCED?" Sirius yelled, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE ADVANCED . . . at least not yet, all things in their proper time."
"Well," Harry walked into his common room with a large brown envelope full of terrible terrible pictures. "That takes care of that."
"What takes care of what?" Lavender asked with a smile.
"Took naked hairless pictures of Snape and Dumbledore," Harry yawned. "Now all I gotta do is send them off to every magazine and newspaper in the country and my day will be complete."
"How . . . how did you get those pictures," Lavender shuddered at the mental image. "And how did you shave Snape and Dumbledore without vomiting?"
"I didn't," Harry smirked. "I got Draco to do it."
"How did you do that?"
"I told her that I'd do everything I could to get her out of her marriage with Ron," Harry smiled.
"What can you do to get her out of that marriage?" Lavender blinked.
"Absolutely nothing," Harry's grin widened. "I can't think of a thing . . . boy was she angry when I told her that."
"Can't believe that she fell for that," Lavender shook her head in amusement. "So what else are you going to do this year?"
"Well like I said," Harry frowned. "I've already gotten everything done. I can't even have some sort of Dementer sub plot thanks to the efforts of Foamy, Laser Owl, and The Kung Fu Toad."
"Maybe you should just skip to next year," Lavender suggested. "It's not like you care if people complain that you skipped an entire year."
"I suppose," Harry nodded. "Though the chapter does seem a bit short."
"Then you should have left Sirius to rot in Azkaban," Lavender smirked. "And spent a few more years tormenting the rat."
"I guess," Harry nodded. "Ah well."
The rest of the year was fairly uneventful, Dumbledore and Snape's photos were published and several people had to be checked into St. Mungos for eye gouging related injuries. Kung Fu Toad started dating Madame Umbridge but the relationship ended badly when he caught her cheating on him with Minister Fudge. Minister Fudge and Madame Umbridge died under mysterious circumstances, the cornier said that it looked like they'd been badly beaten and partially eaten then burned by some sort of high intensity light beam. In the end their deaths were ruled to be accidental. And the children found themselves back on the platform to meet their parents.
"How's the harem going hon?" Hermione's father patted her on the head. "Any new girls?"
"Not so many this year," Hermione smiled. "So far there's only about thirty girls in the harem but Harry says that he'll be adding a bunch of French girls to it next year."
"That's nice dear," Hermione's mother added her own two cents. "It'll give you an opportunity to practice your French . . . wouldn't want all those lessons to go to waste."
"So what do you want to do this summer?" Sirius smiled down at his godson.
"Well," Harry began. "I was thinking that we could kidnap Moody and replace him with a fake Moody."
"Why?" Sirius looked down at his god son.
"For the hell of it," Harry shrugged. "Or we could prevent Moody's kidnapping or something."
"That sounds great," Sirius rubbed his hands together. "And when we save him we can tell him that he needs to be more vigilant."
The dynamic duo quickly made their way to the house of the famous Auror Mad Eye Moody. When they arrived, they quickly became aware of an argument between Moody and a mysterious other man.
"CONSTANT VIGILANCE," Moody's voice rang out.
"CONSTANT FLATULENCE," the other voice replied.
"VIGILA . . ."
"Excuse me," Sirius called out. "Are you there Mad Eye?"
"Who is it?"
"Sirius and Harry," Sirius called back. "We've discovered that Barty Crouch has escaped from prison and plans to kidnap you and replace you and then do all sorts of terrible things."
"And?" Moody asked suspiciously.
"We were wondering if we could kidnap him and find out his plan," Harry explained. "Then you could take his place and we could make their lives a living hell."
"Sounds good to me," Moody nodded. "Let me introduce you to my cousin." Another heavily scarred man stepped into the doorway. "Bad Pie Roody . . . from the Mexican branch of the family."
"Hi," Harry blinked. "Why do they call you Bad Pie?"
"Best you don't know," Bad Pie Roody replied.
"It's because he's a pastry chef," Moody snorted. "And he just happened to be in a restaurant that was being used as a death eater meeting place. Let's just say he got a little . . . creative with the ingredients."
"If you're a chef . . . then," Harry scratched his head. "Why are you so scarred."
"Knives, boiling water, penguins." The strange man began counting things off, "the kitchen's a dangerous place. Mad Eye here became an Auror because he wasn't tough enough to join the family trade."
"Wha . . . riiiiiiight,' Harry blinked. "Here's the plan."